Day 227: Damsel In Distress

So, an interesting thing I noticed about myself a couple of weeks ago is how I have been going into an 'I Need You' Personality after I have participated in certain mind and behavior patterns that I don't particularly like about myself or when looking back on a decision or action that I have made that I have believed is wrong.

The things that I have seen about myself that I don't like and my behaviors that I see as wrong have triggered my fear of loss where in my mind I have imagined that if anyone finds out these things about me than I will lose the relationships and what I am getting out of the relationship like comfort, security, stability, commitment, affection, and care.

When faced with the fear of loss, it has been an 'oh shit ... how do I fix this or keep myself from losing these things?' moment and from there, I have automatically focused on how I can manipulate relationships in my favor.  In this case, my solution was to cast myself into the Damsel In Distress Role as the insecure, unstable, emotionally delicate, small and vulnerable female that says, "I'm not okay, I'm so small, I'm weak, I NEED YOU - to protect me, to hold me, to make everything okay for me ..."

Once I saw what I was doing - how I was manipulating others so that I could be comforted physically, emotionally and mentally instead of standing, facing myself, and taking responsibility for myself and changing what I was seeing, I stopped myself.  I realized that I had been abdicating myself, compromising others, and that this 'need' I had been demanding be satiated by an external source, distracted others from being able to focus on themselves and their own process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need others for comfort, security, stability, consistency, and strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if others knew me for who I really am and have become, that I would be rejected and within that, lose my sources of comfort, security, stability, consistency, and strength.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to develop comfort, security, stability, consistency, and strength for/as myself.  Instead, placing myself in need/want/desire to get these things from an external source.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself being rejected if anyone were to see my how my mind works and how I have been responding to/acting out my mind patterns.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play out in my mind how others will cross their arms, turn their back on me, walk away, and never come back if they were to see what goes on in my mind and the decisions/mistakes I have made.
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to show myself the result of others finding out about me: me, defeated, alone, sad, and broken - and being a physical expression of those emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had a conversation with myself about what's going to happen if/when/as others see the mistakes I have made with my decisions. I say to myself, "They are going to leave me. They are never going to come back. They are going to hate me. I'm never going to get things from them anymore. I will be alone ... Oh shit. How do I fix this so they never know or question me? I have to distract them."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself, "They are not able to understand," and/or, "They will never be able to understand me and be okay with me."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into Panic with/as I have internal conversations about myself about what's going to happen to me if/when/as others become aware of who/what I have become and the decisions that I have made while living out/acting on my mind-patterns.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing what I am getting from others for comfort, security, stability, strength, consistency, holding me, and pulling me back up on my feet when I have fallen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out the Damsel In Distress with the sound signature of "I Need You" and making myself appear to be distressed, vulnerable, and physically smaller by folding myself into on myself while communicating worry, fear, and anxiety with my eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as the Damsel In Distress that is in need, have manipulated myself and others, abdicated myself, held myself and others back from moving forward in our processes, and to have created this false-self/false-reality - all from my self-interest and benefit only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for consequences that I have created for myself and others by hiding behind the Damsel In Distress That Needs You personality/character. And within this, not seeing, realizing, and understanding that it's simply something that I didn't allow myself to see in awareness until that moment and in that moment, how I had made the decision to change and not go into it.

To be continued...

Day 213: Dark Side of Myself As A Leader

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as in possession of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself, "They are mine."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to collect people.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the groups that I have been in as my collection of people - in my mind I see it as many people in my circle - and within that circle, now for me to control, take ownership of and direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to see the confines that I place people in as a circle of defense. In my mind, the words repeat, "These are my people. Stay out. Stay away." And I see myself as a guard, constantly patrolling the perimeter, and keeping out anyone or anything that I don't see as worthy of 'my people'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to create an alternate reality for those whom I've 'collected' where I have attempted to physically manifest my idea of a perfect scenario - what I see as best for everyone. And having created this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend and protect my possessions - those that give life to the private little world that I've created from my ideas, beliefs, imaginations, and fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a panic when and as I have seen something or someone come in or attempt to come in from the area outside of the separation boundary that I have created - especially if it something or someone that I see myself as not being able to control and/or not be able to predict how the outside influence with effect things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become physically uncomfortable when and as someone or something is coming on to my territory in a way that I see as 'too comfortable' or 'too friendly' with what I have claimed as mine and after this, see and mark them as an enemy.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel all of myself into my eyes and face where I 'narrow' self, like a bullet or a bulldog, with my neck and shoulders pulled forward - still, quiet and watching - then saying to myself or out-loud with a deep sound, "No. This is not allowed. I don't like this ..."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be replaced if my people like the new individual more than me.  And as this fear, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go about making myself look better than the new individual where I will observe every move and listen to every word that the new individual makes and then map out their weaknesses in the event I see myself as having to manipulate opinion in my favor later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make energetic emotional and feeling connections to others - if I had not done this, than I wouldn't have gone into the desire to possess and thus physically manifested the possession.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood how much more complicated I have made my life and the lives of others as a result of that initial energetic relationship connection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lead from the points of creating energetic relationships and then fearing losing those energetic relationships.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed leaders who participate in the same pattern of creating emotional and feeling relationship connections to people, fearing losing that connection that we have defined ourselves by, and then making an enemy out of anyone or anything that threatens to change those relationship connections.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how this similar play-out exists within and as all of us existentially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and others as I have driven myself within my desire to manifest my ideas of what a perfect scenario is - unfortunately, my utopias have been created and managed from a starting point of separation and a backwards perspective about equality and oneness - they have only included a select few and not everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my vision and ideas about the way things could be. limit whom I share it with,  and also limit my potential as the one to lead the way because of my fear of making a mistake and losing it all. I realize that I must stop making emotional and feeling attachments to all of these for me to be able to open up, trust, and express myself.

Self-correction and self-commitment statements to follow.

Day 185: Proving Myself to the World

I want to prove myself.

I want those around me to recognize my talents, skills, experience and knowledge.

I want others to recognize my 'life's work', my hard work - my labor.

In my mind, I show myself that others around me - those who I see in positions of authority over me or those that actually have the physical ability to promote me and have influence on the direction of my living, must demonstrate a recognition of my work and my potential.  Additionally, if my talent and ability isn't recognized, I experience a loss of self - like, that part of myself, my time, my labor, and my history is lost and wasted.

I fear losing that part of myself that I defined as 'someone' with 'talent in the system' because holding on to this definition of myself as a talented, skilled, experienced, and knowledgeable person, creates a positive experience for myself.  I fear losing the good about myself, what I do, and what I have done.  So, when others do not recognize my talents, my skills, my abilities, and my achievements, it's as if all that I was and all that I did is lost or never existed at all.

Within this, I become sad and go into self-pity as I tell myself that my life and my potential is lost.  In an attempt to escape the depression, I will go into my imagination where I work out how to get what I want from others whether it's telling others what I can do, showing anyone that is willing to watch what it is that I can do, acting faster, and/or competing with others as to make myself stand out, to get attention, or to 'look better' then my fellow human beings.  It is as though I am acting out the words: See me! See me!  I was here first! I am so much better than the other person.

As I've walked this point of desiring recognition from others, I've come to realize that I am communicating with myself about what I want from ME where it is time to recognize for myself what I have done and what I could do - it's time to discard the beliefs and ideas that I've created, defined, and designed for and as myself and get into the unexplored areas of myself that I have been denying myself access to because I have been limiting myself with beliefs about myself and who/what I was and what I have accomplished - as if, that is all that I am or will ever be just because I'm good at it and because being 'good at it' gives me a positive energetic experience.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need, desire, and within these, drive myself to receive attention, recognition, and approval from my external world.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that me wanting to receive attention, recognition, and approval from my external world was me actually wanting to receive attention, recognition, and approval from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-and-over-and-over again - constantly - depend on others to recognize me because I would not give recognition to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe - via my constant and continuous application of this belief, program it into the actual physical fabric of my beingness and my body - that attention, recognition, and approval isn't real unless it is received in constant and continuous affirmation from external sources.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am in want, need, desire to receive attention, recognition, and approval from an external source and within this, see myself driving myself to get attention, recognition and approval from an external source, I stop, breath, and remind myself to 'bring it back to self' - and within this, give myself attention, recognize myself, be aware of myself and what I am doing, and make adjustments to what I am doing that will assist and support me to work and live my utmost potential.

I commit myself to over-and-over-and-over again, bringing points that I attempt to project on others back to myself and within this constant and continuous application of 'bringing it back to self', integrate self-awareness into my nature and my physical 'fabric', as to no longer accept, allow, nor require others to stand as points of attention, recognition, and approval for me.

In the next post I will continue with my belief that my external world has authority over me.

Day 162: Allowing Myself To Get To Know 'New People'

Part Two of self-correction and self-commitment for Day 157: The Rock Star.
Part One is here.

When and as I see that I am attaching myself to and/or making/seeking/maintaining relationships with those that align to my mind's interpretation/definition of Rock Stars, Perfect, and/or The Best as indicated by me ignoring, devaluing, deliberately disassociating myself from, and separating myself from others who do not align with these personality definitions that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that these personalities are what I have told myself that I must become, be associated with, or related with in order to gain acceptance from my external world and that by giving into my fear of loss of acceptance and acting on it, I am limiting myself from realizing myself, expressing myself as myself, developing my potential, and getting to know parts of myself as I get to know others.

I commit myself to stop separating myself from others by: when and as I see/hear myself communicating to myself that others are 'not like me', that they have nothing in common with me, or I am seeing traits that I have defined as undesirable that I do not want to be associated with, I stop, I breath, I get myself out of my mind and allow myself to explore and learn about others as it is here that I will learn more about myself or parts of myself that I have been suppressing, ignoring, and/or deliberately separating myself from.  Within this, I commit myself to self-forgive, self-correct, and self-commit for any energetic reactions that come up when I am getting to know anyone 'new'.

When and as I see that I am 'looking up to', worshiping, or placing someone on a pedestal that I would like to be and/or be by association, I stop.  I breath and I bring myself back to myself.  I see that this is a pattern that I have been participating in since I was a child and again, it goes back to a time where I believed that it was most important to be accepted by one's external environment and that I am inferior and must trust those that I see as superior.  I remind myself that this bouncing from one-person-to-another over-over-over-again to 'show me the way' has assisted me very little and leads to consequences that are the product of me not developing a relationship of acceptance, trust, respect, and integrity with myself.

I commit myself to STOP looking up to, worshiping, and/or placing others on a pedestal.  In addition to this, I commit myself to stop myself from acting on an attraction to what I am seeing in others as desirable traits that will 'get me somewhere' where I will want to spend as much time with them as possible in order to become them, integrate their personality into/as myself, and/or be associated with them.  Within this, I commit myself to stopping using others for my individual self-interests.  To actually live this commitment in a practical way, I will direct myself to 'not go there' when and as I experience positive energetic reactions of attraction and/or admiration in relation to another, breath, and remove myself, if required.  I write, I self-forgive, I self-correct, and I self-commit until I am done with this looking outside of myself and making relationships based-on what I can get out of it.  Instead of aligning myself to others for what they are so that I don't have to, I develop my own potential within the principle of what is Best For All.

Within this, I commit myself to, as a parent, to stop encouraging my children to look-up-to, worship and create a relationship with Rock Stars, Celebrities, Super Heroes, and other beings by reminding myself that my starting point is my desire for acceptance, my desire for a savior, my not wanting to take responsibility, and me not putting in the physical time and effort required to develop my own self and my own potential as a real human being - in other words, I commit myself to stop attempting to live out my self-interested desires and fears via my children.

I commit myself to show that the world is structured as it is because of the way that we accept and allow ourselves to exist.  Whether we're looking at Politics, Education, Religion, Corporations, or Government, it is all the same where we allow another to be an authority of us, make decisions for us, and direct us based on the belief that that one person has more value than ourselves - more money, more power, more education, more influence, more social status, more physical attractiveness - rather than actual physical proof of their ability to make decisions that are best for all and to actually follow-through with those decisions. 

Day 161: No, Sir, It Is Not Better To Burn Out

Part One of self-correction and self-commitment for Day 157: The Rock Star

“It's better to burn out than to fade away.” - Neil Young

When and as I am seeing that I am integrating a personality/character into/as myself because I experience an ease of my fear of loss, control of my external environment, and/or positive feedback that supports my Ego, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that when I become these characters and personalities that I am doing so from the starting point of satiating my mind self-interest and that there is very little about these characters and personalities that I are practical in my everyday actual living.  So, looking at the Rock Star and the physical requirements it takes to live-up to this image/imagination, I see that it mostly benefits myself as an individual and regardless of me telling myself in my mind that me being a Rock Star benefits all, I see in real, physical reality examples of rock stars getting burnt out, not having a life or dying young, and not being there for their families.

I commit myself to stop integrating characters and personalities into and as me, such as the Rock Star personality and character, that do not support me as Life or any others that require me to be here and functioning within and as my best physical capacity.  When and as I am presented with or given the opportunity to adopt a character/personality as my own, I do not readily accept/become/integrate the character/personality from a point of self-interest - no, I STOP the process, slow myself with breath, and investigate how the character/personality actually functions here in physical reality instead of the imaginations that I've attached to it in my mind.  Within this, I commit myself to removing the thought, imaginations, and reactions that I have personally attached to the personalities and characters that come up with writing and self-forgiveness as to be certain that I am clear and am standing.

When and as I see that I am driving myself from a point of fear of loss, I stop, I breath, and I bring myself back to physical reality.  Instead of allowing myself to move and function on automation and instead of assessing my environment or my situation within my mind, I allow myself to look through my physical eyes for solutions that I have not considered.  I allow myself to observe others being effective and to ask questions.

I commit myself to stopping myself motivating myself from fear of loss by allowing myself to step out of my mind and into physical reality by participating as a physical being - here, I practice observation, looking for solutions that I hadn't considered, and asking questions.  When and as I see that I am going into my imagination which is indicated by my 'thoughts wandering off', I stop, I breath, and I bring myself back.  I commit myself to practicing not allowing myself to go automatically into my thoughts and imagination in my mind and perfecting it.

Day 158: The Bully

"I worship, admire, look-up-to, follow the lead of, and place myself in loyal relationships with those that fit into my idea and/or imagination of Rock Stars, The Best, and/or Perfected because I tell myself that if I am associated to/with these individuals, that this sends a message to all that this is Who I Am as well which gives me instant access to the positive feeling charge of Acceptance." - Care's Journey To Life, Day 157: The Rock Star!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by The Bully in my mind where: I tell myself that if I am not accepted, that I am not popular or that if I cannot influence others that I am a failure - a failure to myself and others. I determine my value by the amount of relationships that I am able to accumulate, manage, and control. Instead of managing the direction of my own life to realize myself to my potential and within this acquiring self-acceptance and allowing myself to see my value as a life equal to all others, I beat myself up time-and-time again because I believed this is what I must do to survive in what I see as complete chaos and confusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully others and be bullied by others. I have not investigated this point, why it exists, and why I allow it to exist even though I see clearly that the nature of bullying is to inflict harm. I have not questioned it but instead gone along with it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to observe my mind in action because it is here that the origin point of my acceptance and allowance of bullying is shown to me clearly. If I had questioned the thoughts and self-diminishing words that I belittle myself with instead of forcing myself to believe they are true, I would have stood up and seen that bullying exists in my external world because it exists in my internal world as I bully myself in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that as long as I allow myself to bully myself, I will allow others to be bullied by myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my fear of loss of acceptance from an external source. Because of my acceptance and allowance of this fear, I rarely took risks for others and I never took risks for myself to assist and support myself and others in seeing our potential as simply an expression of life and exploring what we can do here. No, I was fearful of what others would think of me or how they would react if I were 'different' - which is actually my own fear of what I will be and who I will become if I let go of what I know and go into the unknown/undefined.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look at how Bulling benefits me. It is obvious that Bullying assist me in feeling better about myself when I place myself as superior over others - but what else? What about when I am Bullied? Or what do I have to gain by controlling others with the same abusive tactics that I practice on myself? Who do I think that I am? Why would I not want who I am and how I do things questioned?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to STOP BULLYING - just get rid of it completely - because it's something that I hold near and dear as to maintain my individuality regardless of whether I am the bully, I'm being bullied, or I'm bullying the bullies. Is my individuality worth it? Did I really work that hard to create myself into the person that I Am? And am I really that special and unique that I need to be preserved and to never ever change or make changes?

Day 131: The Helpless Victim - Thought Dimension

In this blog I am writing Self-Forgiveness for the Thought Dimension of The Helpless Victim Character that emerged from realizations while walking a traumatic event.  The initial writing out of the dimensions of this character can be read here: Day 129: The Helpless Victim, Day 130: The Helpless Victim - Fear Dimension

The process from which The Helpless Victim Character emerged can be referenced within these posts:

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction
Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment

 


Writing from Day 129:
Thought Dimension
The thought that triggers this character is, "I might lose everything that I care about - I would be lost and no one will help me."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the Thought, "I might lose everything that I care about - I would be lost and no one will help me," to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this Thought as a way to scare myself into not changing, not doing what is best, and to not work on ways of improving my situation or allowing myself to step outside of my comfort-zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect, "I might lose everything that I care about - I would be lost and no one will help me," to fear.  What I have not seen or heard within this communication to myself that I live in fear that I will lose everything that I care about within and as myself, that I fear losing myself, and I fear that I will not assist and support myself within this process of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the THOUGHT to pop up in my mind as an image of me being cold, alone, scared, and everyone in my world that I have placed upon a pillar of importance as hating me, writing me out of their lives, and moving on without me.  I see anger and disappointment on their faces and I see them going about their daily lives where they choose to ignore me/pretend I do not exist.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that in the moment that the thought comes up, I have to decide whether or not I will participate with the thought.  It is here that I decide whether or not I will allow my fear to direct me or if I will direct myself to release myself from the fear with self-forgiveness and then stand within and as my decision to stand by/for/as my decision to change, do what is best for myself and others, work on implementing solutions that improve my situation, and pushing myself to step outside of my comfort-zone. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become The Helpless Victim for so long that I accept and allow myself to participate in and follow the Thought that presents an opportunity for me as an opposite of myself/who I have decided to be and my responsibility to myself and others/my world to stand as an example as what it means to do what is best, to improve the situation, and to push oneself to step outside of the comfort-zone. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and so not allow myself to live in awareness and direct myself within and as what is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this Thought to take me into my mind and place me in direct conflict with myself where I get caught up in my Mind where I completely compromise myself.  If instead I had allowed myself to practically walk myself through the process of making a decision that is best and living it - I would have improved my relationship with myself and given myself an opportunity to contribute as an example of how one can live with and as the point of not accepting and allowing The Helpless Victim character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the Thought to become more important/urgent and/or of greater value than myself stopping, breathing, and directing myself to make a decision that is best and to live it. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how one Thought/Picture/Image can control/determine the entirety of who I am in any given moment which shows the extent of which I have become influenced by the pictures and images within and as my mind, instead of living who I am here as the directive.

Day 129: The Helpless Victim

Here I begin writing out The Helpless Victim Character that emerged from the following writings:

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction
Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment




As The Helpless Victim, I see that the world is a dangerous place and that everyone within this world has the potential to harm me physically, emotionally, and/or mentally.  No one can be trusted - and if, for one moment, if I were to let my guard down with another, they would take advantage and victimize me in some way.  When I am The Helpless Victim, I see that there is no way for me to change this - there is no help for me, there is no protection for me, and no one is going to stand up for me to make sure that I am always okay or to get me away from the person who is hurting, harming, victimizing, and/or abusive to me.  In my mind, I have created the belief that people will stand up for others who are being harmed and stand against those that are harming - like, everyone should take care of each other - and yet we don't.  This is frightening to me.

Also, as this character, if I am in a situation that I see myself as being trapped in where another is stronger than myself, I will project myself as needing the others help to 'be better' because I cannot help myself.  This is where an extreme form of dishonesty emerges as I will use Helplessness to manipulate others as a defense mechanism and within this sell myself out.  Because this is not who/what I want to be, this causes an extreme amount of conflict, confusion, and stress as the anger that I accumulate within myself that eventually blows - it's just like a bomb going off and my situation becomes unbearable which compromises me even further.

Fear Dimension
Ultimately, I fear being alone in this world.  I do not think that I can do this on my own and I do not think that I have the power to stand up for myself.  I fear standing up and saying, "From here, no more."  What will become of me if I do this?  What if I stand up and say, "No more" and that person writes me out of their life?  Worse, what if they hurt me, degrade me, defame me, and succeed in taking away what's important to me or the people/things that I have defined myself within and as?  What if I end up losing everything?

Thought Dimension
The thought that triggers this character is, "I might lose everything that I care about - I would be lost and no one will help me."

Imagination Dimension
In my imagination I see that I lose everything and everyone in my life, that I will be homeless, that I will be broken, that I will be susceptible to much worse abuses, that I will live the rest of my life in regret and shame, that I will become a junkie, a bag-lady, live on the streets, push around a cart, go crazy, lose my teeth, be ignored, be repelling, and eventually die alone under a bridge somewhere.

Backchat Dimension
Internal conversations: "It's a dog-eat-dog world." "I would rather die than end up as a bag-lady." 
(And more - recorded in Backchat diary)

Reaction Dimension
In response to my thoughts, imaginations, and backchats, I react emotionally with disappointment, worry, anxiety, sadness, feeling 'small', and anger.   

Behavior Dimension
My behavior becomes jerky and edgy.  I begin moving around a lot and darting from one task to another.  When I am sitting or at rest, I curl into myself where I pull my knees close to my body and wrap my arms around myself.  When I'm full-blown into this character/personality/mind-possession, my eyes are WIDE open and I am on high-alert.  I speak my incoherent thoughts out-loud as means to try to make sense and/or to get others 'on my side' to stand-up for/take care of/protect me and/or justify my behavior, fears, and reactions.  My voice tightens and is either a 'small' voice or energetically forced.

Day 121: How Could You Do This To Me? -- Self-Forgiveness

Traumatic Event 1 - Part 2

Day 120: How Could You Do This To Me?
In this blog, I am walking Day 121: Self-Forgiveness



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to play-out the memory of myself within a shocking/traumatic event to incite thoughts of betrayal and being unloved to which I react with experiencing myself again-and-again as hurt, vulnerable, and angry.  Additionally, I use this memory to prove that others cannot be trusted and that, when I am experiencing a traumatic, shocking, and/or stressful event, the only person countable for support and assistance is myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I deserve to be hurt, betrayed, and unloved because of my bad behavior - because I have been bad, I tell myself that I have brought these things onto myself and that if I had been good that I would have earned better treatment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and force others into my definition of what a loving person is.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and force myself into my definition of what a loving person is.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood the great amount of conflict that I have created for myself by forcing myself and trying to force others into being something that is not real and that none of us are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect an apology from outside of myself instead of bringing this point back to myself and forgiving myself for the extensive amount of trauma that I make myself re-live over-and-over-and-over again.  Instead of facing my memories and releasing these memories with writing and forgiveness, I choose to cling to my memories as a reminder of why others deserve my spite, my anger, and my aggression as well as to remind myself why I deserve to receive spite, anger, and aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the memories of myself within traumatic events because I fear that I will forget and that I will 'set myself up' to get hurt again.  Within and as this fear of loss, I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I am manifesting these fear within my mind where I continue to hurt myself time-and-time-and-time-again - so, this fear is in-fact useless, has not protected me, and has not changed anything in my living at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that another outside of myself can provide safety, care, and trust.  Because of this image/belief that I created, I have been on the constant look-out for another that I can depend on to provide this for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for another to keep me safe, cared for, and show that others outside of myself can be trusted.  Within and as this desire, I have made decisions that are not in the best interest of anyone - including myself - and I have created undesirable consequences.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize, nor understand that the safety, caring, and trust that I'm looking for outside of myself are actually the points that I must bring/give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and separate myself from my memories and because of this separation, attempting to ignore, and running-away-from, I have not allowed myself to change my ways of living to establish my well-being, self-care, self-trust, and self-love.

Day 112: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 12

 How do I trap myself in my mind?


Within my Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud, this is what I've found:

When I see something as BAD it is a trigger for myself to ignore, deny, reject, and polarize that which I am seeing as BAD.

When I participate in a behavior that I see as BAD I experience GUILT.  The experience of GUILT is physically painful so I separate myself from my GUILT - I detach myself from my physical body and go into my mind where I can be blank and numb.

Within and as this blankness is where the excuse, justification, and lie of, "I don't know," and/or "I forgot," exists because I interpret myself as 'forgetting' or 'not knowing' when I do not get information as pictures from my mind.

When and as I see blankness and tell myself that "I don't know," and/or "I forgot," I will go back through my memories in search of things that I can identify about myself and my experiences that are GOOD and I will laugh-off the BAD, the guilt, the not-knowing, and the forgetfulness and tell myself, "I'm FINE!  What was all that guilt about? Geesh."

Instead of facing the things that I see as BAD, taking responsibility for mistakes, removing the triggers, and redirecting myself within self-correction, I have allowed the pattern of guilt, escape, excuses/justifications/lies, and being positive to keep myself locked into myself as my mind.

Bringing this point back to my not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud, what happens is that I literally self-sabotage myself because I made a self-commitment to say my self-forgiveness out-loud to assist myself in releasing myself with sound - I tell myself that NOT doing this is BAD and that it will slow down my process.  Additionally, if I do not live up to my self-commitments, this is BAD too.  So, if I tell myself that not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud equals BAD which I will manifest as a real experience within and as me with negative emotions which then I will then enter into my pattern of self-sabotage that leads to myself not living up to my self-commitments, laughing it off, and telling myself, "I don't need to say self-forgiveness out-loud all the time!  That's just silly and impractical.  I'm fine." - I like THIS voice, much better.

And then within my I Am Curious Character that saw while working on this review, I found and an additional layer of protection to keep myself locked into place which is I have defined 'Not Knowing' as BAD where I connect Not Knowing to abusive experiences that I have stored within my memories. I become very uncomfortable with myself and so I will trigger my I Am Curious Character/personality which is fun and thus I am able to experience myself more positively.  Within this character/personality possession, I direct myself within and toward a desired outcome of finding an answer, proving to myself that I knew all along, or doing something where I will see/prove to others how the world in-fact functions.  Because the energy build-up is so massive from the conflict within myself from bad-to-good over-an-over again - I tell myself that I cannot stop myself and that I must see this through - even if/when/as I see that BAD things could result.  My heart races, my physical expression goes from 'zippy' to 'agitated' over-and-over-again, and I experience my skin as opening, breathing, standing-up, and living - I 'feel' alive.  When the dust has settled, the outcome of this personality possession typically compromises my self-development and changes nothing for the best within myself and my world - instead, I have created yet another negative experience for myself to store as BAD within and as me for future pattern triggering.



What is really interesting within my process of self-observation is the huge amount of others voices I have stored in my memories. Wow.  I can recall personalities, spoken works, actions, and judgements of every human that I have gotten to know.  And when I do something that I question myself as, "Is this BAD?", I will gang up on myself with these personalities with their judgements and show myself over-and-over again how these people will react to me making a mistake.  For those personalities that are currently in my life or somehow nearby, I will show myself how each person will reject/leave me 'for good' this time.

 

Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6

 Why Am I So Curious?

In this blog, I will be walking myself as a Curious character.  To see how I got to here, read Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.

Ooo. What does this button do???

Problem: I Am Curious.  I have been living within and as an expression of Curiosity.  The problem isn't necessarily that I'm curious, the problem is that within myself being curious, I often cause a great deal of trouble within myself and outside of myself as a result of myself not seeing or intentionally ignoring the consequences and possible negative outcomes of my being curious.  When I become curious, I remove common sense and practicality from my processing and I will ignore all warnings and will only hear what I want to hear which is, "Go ahead! Do it.  What's the worst that could happen?"  I do not consider nor care about the effect my actions and decisions have upon others, my physical body, or my environment.  When I act within my curiosity, it is often counter-productive to my self-development.  I have assigned a positive definition to curiosity and it is generally accepted as 'okay' in the world so I have not been motivated to investigate myself within this character, remove my irresponsible expression of curiosity from my living nor suppress it.

Solution: To assist and support myself to not be controlled by my mind Curiosity by walking the dimensions of this Character/Personality with self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitments and thus making myself self-aware and stable within a responsible Physical living of the Word Curiosity.

Reward: Establish self-trust within myself that I will not act on impulse within and as my self-interests, wants and desires and that instead, I will direct myself to explore my physical world, myself, and the beings here with me from a point of responsibility.

Fear Dimension

When I was a child I was aware that what I accepted as information and knowledge became me and because I was not in agreement with others in my environment and did not trust them, I would not allow others, to the best of my ability and awareness, to influence or create who I Am -unless- they showed me via combined spoken words and actions that they cared for me and were looking out for what was best for me - these individuals were rare.  So, from a fear survival and fear of loss of self as I developed Who I Am during my childhood phase before I started Thinking, I interacted with and explored my world Physically as what I could prove to be true on my own was what I could trust.

Note:  I was not in agreement with others because their Words did not align with their living.  I could not make sense of this. And it's interesting to look at pictures from when I was a child at this time because the expression on my face was if I was saying, "This does not make sense."  As I got older, I assumed that it would all make sense when I 'grew up' but it never did. 

Anyway, the core-source-origin point of my Curiosity was fear of survival and loss of self and when I began Thinking, it became Mind Curiosity.

Thought Dimension

The Thought that activates my Curiosity is 'I don't know."  Where if 'I Don't Know" then I go into my Mind Curiosity which then I will test out in the Physical to find an answer as quickly as possible.

Imagination Dimension

When I am directing myself from my mind-curiosity, I imagine only good outcomes where I become a better, wiser, and more valuable person to others.  In my imagination, I am The Hero, The Comedian, The Brightly Shining Star, The Best, and The Most.  With my imagination, I suppress any fears because I Am Invincible!

Internal Conversations/Backchat/Voices in the Head

Recorded in private Backchat Diary.

Reaction Dimension

Negative: When I cannot connect to a specific experience with knowledge and information, I have a negative reaction of Anxiety because I fear being seen as dumb, stupid, naive, and lacking common sense and intelligence.

Positive: When I can connect a  specific experience with knowledge and information, I have a positive reaction of Excitement because I see myself as clever, knowledgeable, important, and bright.

Behavior Dimension

When my Curious Character activates, I lean forward and grasp my chin between my index finger and thumb of my left hand - I pull my arm and bent elbow tight into my body to lock my head in place. I may pull at my bottom lip as I'm thinking about how I'm going to 'pull something off' or a 'plan', my eyes are steady.  When I have decided on the quickest plan to find an answer or to satiate my curiosity/interest, I begin moving reeeeeeally fast from one task to another to accomplish my task as quickly as possible.  I am physically driven, steady, and robotic.

In my next entry, I will begin Self-Forgiveness starting with the Fear Dimension.

Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5

Why do I always get myself in trouble??





Continuing here from Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.




I had a moment where I was presented with a decision to do or to not to do something that I 'normally' would not do as a response to the multiple voices within me that say, "Not a good idea."  But I was curious and I wanted to see the outcome of doing something that I normally would not do.  So, like a 'bull in a china shop', I ignored my inner-dialogue and pushed a point because I desired to prove a specific outcome and wanted to see if it was true.

Understand that even though I was participating in a behavior that is something I would not 'normally' do, what was actually happening is that I was participating in a behavioral pattern that I have been repeating since I can remember which is:  I see an opportunity for knowledge and information that I have not experienced first-hand in my physical living, I become curious to see what will happen, I charge forward and do not allow myself to hear what's going on within my mind and within this I do not consider any consequences - nor do I see that 'I have to' because I tell myself that I am pushing forward to discover the truth or the outcome.  I am on a mission that does not consider others nor do I consider myself within and as where/who/what I have directed myself to be.  What I have not seen, time-and-time again is that this curiosity, pushing, and bullying through a point leads to trouble.

The only difference this time within this experience is that I made certain that I remained stable where I would not allow myself to get caught up in mind flooding with judgmental voices from the past and future.  Instead of allowing myself to have an 'oh crap ... what did I do?' moment that spirals out-of-control, I breathed, listened to myself, observed my physical reactions and had an 'ah-ha!' moment.

Within this 'ah-ha' moment, I saw where I told myself, 'That Was Bad' and from this starting point all of the voices of those that I have listened to within their judgments of others descended upon me - where I would tell myself as others personalities what their opinion was on 'what I did'.  It was fascinated to see the extent of the amount of others as pictures, expressions, voices, and personalities I had stored within me to tell me how 'bad/wrong' I am.  And with each personality that I brought forth, I would have a fear reaction to each as, "Oh no, this person is going to react to me and I am probably going to lose them for real this time."

I imagine that if I had not been stable and directed myself to stand within my decision at the time that I would have gone into a full-blown mind-possession where I would beat on myself with these voices, opinions, personalities, and reactions for days or weeks on end until I had a melt-down.

This has been going on within and as me for a very long time.  This whole thing - where my Curiosity from self-interested desires, wants, and needs baits me into a mind possession triggered by the Word, 'Bad'.

"You're bad."
"That's bad."
"I'm bad."

So, I see many problems here that are required for myself to write, self-forgive, and take responsibility for.

Problem: I Am Curious - this is how I live and express myself.  I have assigned a positive meaning to the Word Curious as being fun, cute, inquisitive and mischievous - like a kitty cat.  I have not seen that over-and-over again that my curiosity expression from my point of self-interest leads to an outcome that can in some way, shape, form or another be defined as Bad.  To the Word Bad, I have attached a Fear of Loss - fear of losing others and the relationships that I have defined myself by, within, and as others. 

I do not consider consequence within the decision making process of asking myself, "Am I placing others first and doing what is best for all?" or, "Am I placing myself first, acting on impulse, doing what interests me and/or what benefits me only?"

From my fear of loss of self and my fear of survival, I have internalized the personalities, opinions, and expressions of others so that I can react, in any given moment, as what another 'wants to hear or see' as both a self-defense mechanism and a system of control over what I see as 'Bad/Wrong' about me.

Solution: To focus in on and dissect each of these points with writing and self-forgiveness.  To self-correct and self-commit myself to no longer be influenced by what is 'Bad/Good/Right/Wrong' and my self-interests within my decision-making process and to instead make my decisions based on 'What Is Best For All' and placing myself second.

Reward: A clearer understanding of myself and my responsibility as a co-creator of our world as it currently exists.  Self-trust that I will make decisions based on how my decisions will effect others, my physical body, and my world via my living expression, my Words, and my vote.  Break myself out of a pattern that is counter-productive to my development of Self.

So, in the next blog I will be focusing on my 'I Am Curious' Ego/Personality/Character.

Day 85: What If I Die In My Sleep? - Part 3

Continuing from Day 82: What If I Die In My Sleep? and Day 84: What If I Die In My Sleep? - Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money.  Bringing this point back to me dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not have enough money to cover the expenses of myself dying unexpectedly in my sleep – afterall, I had simply planned on going to sleep and waking up after a few hours, I did not plan on dying and so, I did not prepare for my body to be taken care of when I no longer could.  And this takes money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not having enough money’ to fear of dying in my sleep and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spending money.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spending money because if I die unexpectedly and I have spent all of my money; there will be no money to fulfill my end of the financial responsibilities – my funeral expenses, my son’s education, my home, my bills, the care of my animals, the disposal of my material possessions – all of these things will become the financial burden of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘spending money’ to fear of dying in my sleep and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my money will be stolen.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that this fear of my money being stolen is equal-to and one with my fear of dying in my sleep in that it is an unexpected event that I cannot control that would place me in a position of having to look to another to assist with/take on the burden of my financial commitments and responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘my money being stolen’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to afford to pay my bills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to afford to pay my funeral bills and/or bills that may accrue after my death that I see myself as responsible for handling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to afford my bills’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have to compromise myself to make money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to afford my funeral/death bills’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have to compromise myself to make money so that I can die with a ‘clear conscious’ – because I experience guilt for not having yet placed myself in a financial position where all that I am responsible for here will be taken care of when and as I die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘self-compromise to make money’ and ‘self-compromise to make money to die’ to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing money.  Bringing the point back to dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I die in my sleep unexpectedly without having a legally documented and signed plan for where my money/possessions/assets will go, that I, as my family, will lose that money that I see as their ‘right’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘losing money’ to fear and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to make money.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to make the money required to support my family in the event that I die unexpectedly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to make money’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to make enough money to support my family in the event if I die unexpectedly’ to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I die unexpectedly that my family will lose our home, not have enough food to eat, have no clothes, not be able to support our animals, not have enough money to keep a vehicle on the road, be forced to place Hunter into a mainstream school system, lose/be forced to sell everything that we’ve worked for and be labeled as ‘poor’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘lose our home’, ‘not enough food’, ‘no clothes’, ‘lose animals’, ‘no running vehicle’, ‘Hunter in mainstream school system’, ‘lose/sell all that we have labored for’, and ‘labeled as poor’ to fear.  And thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what may happen in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what may happen in the future if I were to die unexpectedly – I see, realize, and understand that my fear of the future if I were to die unexpectedly is based on past experiences that I expect will occur or might occur again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I have watched others go through during my existence when and as a family member that the other family members count on as income to survive dies unexpectedly – over and over and over again in my world I have seen this – I have seen this in families, I have seen this on TV/movies/media, and I see others outside of myself preparing themselves and their finances in anticipation of this dying unexpectedly in the future point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my expectations of ‘the future if I were to die unexpectedly’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that fear of the future equals fear of death and fear of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that in the future my family will have no money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘my family with have no money in the future’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that in the future that I will get old – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that in the future that I will get old and die in my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘getting old and dying in my sleep in the future’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot change the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘cannot change the future’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.