Thursday, September 19, 2013

Day 157: The Rock Star!


"Here is where I began to see why I ignored my physical signs because I was caught up in this idea of myself as having to preserve my individuality as a Rock Star.  Where, in my professional world, this label was given to me, I liked it, and I desired to preserve this because of the doors it opened for me and within this the experience of accomplishment and confirmation of my ability." - Care's Journey To Life, Day 156: Unwinding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to align myself with the Words Rock Star and the positive meaning that have attached to these words.  In my mind, a Rock Star pushes their physical limits effortlessly, is the best at what they do, stands as a shining beacon, and has a bunch of 'fans' that constantly and continuously give them positive feedback about their performance.  So seeing a Rock Star in a positive light and wanting to be associated to this image so that I could experience myself in this positive way with all the perks that come with it, I pushed myself and forced myself to always be better than the day before.  I see that it's cool to realize my potential for myself however, my starting point was my desire for acceptance, positive feedback from my external world, to make a name for myself, and to insure that I do not miss out any opportunity that would benefit me as an individual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself from a point of fearing failure instead of from a point of self-curiosity and self-discovery where I test to see what I can do and how I can better improve myself - for my own self and not for any external reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself and/or place myself in a relationship with things and people that I see as Rock Stars, The Best, or Perfected as per my mind's idea or these archetypes.  I worship, admire, look-up-to, follow the lead of, and place myself in loyal relationships with those that fit into my idea and/or imagination of Rock Stars, The Best, and/or Perfected because I tell myself that if I am associated to/with these individuals, that this sends a message to all that this is Who I Am as well which gives me instant access to the positive feeling charge of Acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate this attraction to others whom I Want To Be into and as me to such an extent that it is now an automated behavior.  I have been on autopilot and have not questioned it.  Why would I?  This automation has benefited me time-and-time again - with as little as effort as possible and minimal risk.  So, while I am busy squeezing myself into anothers image and likeness so that I can hide from putting in the effort required to establish self-acceptance, nothing changes.  I ignore anything and anyone outside of my immediate self-interested drive - including my self-communication, others that I do not want to be identified with because they are a mirror of my self-judgment, and the world that I am trying to control by refusing to face it.

From a parental perspective, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show children to do the same as myself.  I encourage children to attach themselves to Super Heroes, Rock Stars and those that look Perfected and like they are The Best in hopes that they will become or be like that imaginary person so that I can say, "I created this person and this person is me." So, as an additional insurance of my acceptance from my external world, I encourage the child to be what I want to be so that I can continue living in the image and likeness of others because it's easy, there is little-to-no risk, and requires much less effort than actually developing myself or showing a child how to develop themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this Hero Worship that we accept and allow ourselves to imprint upon ourselves is the reason why our world is structured the way it is with many on the bottom and one at the top. Where: the one at the top - The Hero, The Rock Star, The Best of the Best, The Perfected Human Being has the money,the resources, the education, and the career. And instead of doing what is required to make sure that all realize their potential, including ourselves, we worship them, we work for them, we accept ourselves as less-than them, we drive ourselves to be like them/be associated with them, allow ourselves to be influenced by them, and enter into a Master-Slave agreement to survive. All because we never once questioned why the world is structured like a pyramid and have not looked at the consequences of our fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of not being accepted, fear of change, and fear of risking anything.

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