Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Day 26: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 1

Here I am sharing my process of walking the word Commitment.  I chose to investigate the word Commitment because when we began the Journey To Life blogs, I saw that I was constantly reacting when reading or writing the words, "I commit myself to ..."


I define commitment as giving up your life for someone/something else outside of oneself where within commitment, one's personal needs, wants, and desires are not a point of concern. To me, a demonstration of a commitment from the world is a marriage, a promise kept, and an action that is completed with unmovable determination. When I consider the word 'commitment', my first reaction is to show myself a picture that I have stored in my mind of Mother Theresa who I see as being a representation of a person who was able to give up their entire life for the benefit of others.

My second picture reaction is seeing a dark-haired female that's bound by a straight jacket in a white padded room. This indicates that I have created a polarity relationship with the word commitment where a committed person is either a Sinner or a Saint. From that polarity relationship, I have created a platform from which I can feel like a good person or feel like a bad person but according to myself as seeing myself as unwilling and unable to commit to anyone or anything outside of myself, I am a bad person - I am only human and I will never attain anything more than simply just being a selfish human. When I define myself as a bad person, I must find acceptance of this within myself as being selfish, a hedonist, and devilish to balance myself and so I have programmed myself to become spiteful when faced with commitments. From the confusion, frustration, guilt and anger that I experience as a reaction to myself and others because I have not been able to live up to my Saint Definition of commitment, I reject commitment because I see it as rejecting me and not being possible for me. Rejected, I experience spite within any commitments and I do not want to do anything for anyone or anything - because I do not have to if I do not want to, regardless of whether or not it's best for myself or anyone/anything outside of myself. I see myself as writing 'FUCK YOU' to commitment on the walls and sticking my middle finger out behind me in the air while I walk out the door.

When others ask for me to make a commitment to a project, a cause, a living creature, a thing, and/or another being, my immediate reaction is resistance – I will think and/or communicate the reasons that I cannot make a commitment. When others inquire about my maintaining a commitment that I have allowed myself to become distracted from, I become defensive – I harden or soften my body and my voice and I communicate my justifications and blames for not maintaining a promise that I had made with the words, “I’m TRYING”, “I am too BUSY for that”, “I have a hard enough time keeping up with what I’ve already got going on”, “Get off of my back” and/or “You’re expecting WAAAAY too much from me.” As I speak these words, I will either do so in a forceful/aggressive or in a tired/pitiful/shameful physical expression.

Dictionary Definitions of Commitment

commitment [kəˈmɪtmənt]
1. the act of committing or pledging
2. the state of being committed or pledged
3. an obligation, promise, etc. that restricts one's freedom of action
4. (Law / Parliamentary Procedure) the referral of a bill to a committee or legislature
5. (Law) Also called (esp formerly) mittimus Law a written order of a court directing that a person be imprisoned
6. the official consignment of a person to a mental hospital or prison
7. commission or perpetration, esp of a crime
8. (Economics, Accounting & Finance / Stock Exchange) a future financial obligation or contingent liability Also called (esp for senses 5, 6) committal [kəˈmɪtəl]

Within this dictionary definition I see polarity where the act of pledging is positive and obligation, promising, laws/threat of imprisonment, hospitalization, and liability are negative.

co-mit-ment || comm-it-ment || c-omit-ment || come-it-ment ||
com-mi-men (without 't') || kah-mit-ment || calm-mit-ment || calm-it-men

co-mit-ment = together; joint; jointly; mutually. To the same extent or degree.
co-mit-ment = combining form; thread; mitosis. Mit'a (Quechua) was mandatory public service in the society of the Inca Empire. Historians use the hispanicized term mita to distinguish the system as it was modified by the Spanish, under whom it became a form of legal servitude which in practice bordered on slavery.
co-mit-ment = a suffix of nouns, often concrete, denoting an action or resulting state.

co-mit-ment = The action and/or result of a combined mutual agreement to perform a service.

comm-it-ment = The 'comm' command in the Unix family of computer operating systems is a utility that is used to compare two files for common and distinct lines. (Comms) Abbreviation – communications headphones with microphones wired via a power supply and individual belt packs - Also known as cans. Communications, verbal or electronic, as in get comms with [call-sign].
comm-it-ment = Pronoun: Used to refer to a thing previously mentioned or easily identified. Referring to an animal or child of unspecified sex.

comm-it-ment = The action and/or result of separating and comparing previously mentioned, easily identifiable, or the unspecified sex of an animal or a child for the purpose of communication.

c-omit-ment = To fail to include or mention; leave out. To pass over; neglect. To desist or fail in doing; forbear. Leave undone.

c-omit-ment = See the action and/or result of neglection, failure, and non-completion.

co-omit-ment = The action and/or result of a combined mutual agreement to fail, neglect, and not complete.

come-it-ment = To advance toward the speaker or toward a specified place; approach. To advance in a specified manner. To fare. To reach a particular point in a series or as a result of orderly progression. To arrive, as in due course. To move into view; appear. To occur in time; take place. To arrive at a particular result or end. To arrive at or reach a particular state or condition. To move or be brought to a particular position. To extend; reach. To have priority; rank. To happen as a result. To fall to one. To occur in the mind. To issue forth. To be derived; originate. To be descended. To be within a given range or spectrum of reference or application. To be a native or resident. To add up to a certain amount. To become. To turn out to be. To be available or obtainable. Vulgar Slang To experience orgasm. Vulgar Slang also cum (km) Semen ejaculated during orgasm.

come-it-ment = The action and/or result of moving oneself while in separation and seeing what’s in one’s world as separate, comparable, definable, and/or knowable.

cum-it-ment = The action and/or result of having an orgasm while separate.

com-mi-men = abbr. commercial organization. A prefix meaning “with,” “together,” “in association,” and (with intensive force) “completely,” occurring in loanwords from Latin (commit):  used in the formation of compound words before b, p, m: combine; compare; commingle.

com-mi-men = abbr. Bible Micah. abb. Michigan, military intelligence (internal security), myocardial infarction (destruction of heart tissue resulting from obstruction of the blood supply to the heart muscle), mile. n. Music The third tone of the diatonic scale in solfeggio. Music (in tonic sol-fa) the third degree of any major scale; median.

com-me-men = the nominative singular pronoun, used by a speaker in referring to himself or herself. Used to denote the narrator of a literary work written in the first person singular. Metaphysics the ego. The personality of the speaker or writer or something that expresses it.

com-mi-men = plural of man. Hands, manpower, work force, workforce.

com-me/mi-men = A combined and organized force of egos that keep all quiet, secret, and internal to maintain the median, middle-ground, and/or separation so that ourselves obstruct the heart from flowing/sounding/speaking/expressing openly.

kah-mit-ment = ka: noun Egyptian Religion a spiritual entity, an aspect of the individual, believed to live within the body during life and to survive it after death.

In ancient Egyptian religion, with the ba and the akh, a principal aspect of the soul of a human being or of a god. The exact significance of the ka remains a matter of controversy, chiefly for lack of an Egyptian definition; the usual translation, "double," is incorrect. Written by a hieroglyph of uplifted arms, it seemed originally to have designated the protecting divine spirit of a person. The ka survived the death of the body and could reside in a picture or statue of a person

Kah Tif - A offensive sentence used in some Irish cities, its equal to f*ck off in English.

Khamit - Nubian Egypt was originally known as Khamit and its people were known as the Khamau(Kah-mah-oo) or Khamites. These ancient people lived in one of the most peaceful civilizations in history guided by Seven of the Principles of Maat, which focused on Truth, Righteousness, Law, Order, Balance, Harmony, and Reciprocity. The goal of the Khamau was to live in a way knowing that each day was Judgment Day and, guided by the laws of Maat. The heart could be weighed on scales and be as light as a feather. They did not separate themselves from The Creator whom they called Neter in any of their actions.


calm-mit-ment = Not showing or feeling nervousness, anger, or other emotions. The absence of violent or confrontational activity within a place or group. The absence of nervousness, agitation, or excitement in a person. Become tranquil and quiet.

calm-mit-ment = The action and result of silence within a mutual agreement to fulfill a task and/or service.

Within the sounding of the word Commitment, I see polarity here as well where togetherness, agreements, service, sex/orgasm, communication, actions, positive results, working, peacefulness, and tranquility/silence within is positive and slavery, separation, neutrality, medians, comparing, judging, neglect, failure, and non-completion are negative.

I started this assignment two months ago and I've been struggling to complete it. I've seen through this process that I have chosen a word that I react to strongly in that I want to run away from it. Also, I noticed when I was doing a vlog, when I said the word 'commitment', I had to physically swallow the word. LOL - and I'm seeing now that I'm annoyed at losing two months of DIP to Commitment as this backchat, “WHY did I choose THIS word? I hate this word. This word has totally tripped me up. WHY didn't I (almost wrote eye) pick a different, more simple word - I was already working on re-defining Leadership.  Grr. I just want to get this done.”

During this two months, I have also recently realized the extent of which I have been in my mind as my Ego and completely self-possessed. I haven't cared about anyone or anything outside of myself and I'm now looking at some pretty messed up stuff as a consequence of this. So, it makes sense that I would completely AVOID Commitment because the core meaning of this word to me IS caring for others. Still, after self-forgiveness, when I place the word Commitment before me, in me, as me, I immediately see a picture of Mother Theresa cradling a child in her arms. Can I live with this picture? Yes, as long as I release myself from judging myself and comparing myself to Mother Theresa, the Pillar of Goodness, that I have created within my mind.

Within my body, when I consider Commitment, I become and express forcefulness, driven-ness, and determination as focus, strength, with an unwillingness to 'go back' on a commitment that I have made - it is myself saying, “I AM DOING THIS.” This is something that I see as positive and easily manipulated by myself as when I don't do what I have committed myself to do, I become a failure. I am living Commitment as WINNING when I am able to live up to my words which I then feel good and LOSING when I do not live up to my words which I then emote badness as I have failed, I am not going to make process, and I am unworthy and thus this becomes my physical expression of Commitment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that the definitions that I have assigned to words are the expressions that I will give life to as living expressions of myself.” - Earth's Journey To Life -Day 12

 In the next blog, I will be sharing my Self-Forgiveness for the word Commitment.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Day 25: Myself As Diminished - 4/4

Here I am sharing Self-Correction and Self-Commitments from the realizations and solutions that I have seen during my process of Self-Forgiveness while walking the point of Myself As A Diminished Version of Those Who Have Gone Before Me - Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.

Art by Matti Freeman

When and as I see myself placing people, animals, plants, objects, housework, etc., on a Value Queue of/as what requires my interest and/or is more deserving of attention, I stop.  I bring myself back to here from my where I am allowing my thoughts to direct me.  I commit myself to no longer placing my needs, wants, desires, fantasies, thoughts, and/or interests above all else that is here.

Within this commitment to myself, I see that it is required for me to remove judgements, worries, and fears from all that is here that I have separated myself from.  For example:  I feel guilty when I do not water/feed my plant because I am dehydrating/starving them and may be damaging their root systems - if I continue to do this, I will kill the plant and have to throw it away.  This pattern is the PRODUCT of myself being caught up in my thoughts and placing myself and others before the life of my plant.  It is beneficial to ONLY my mind because IF I can distract myself to the point of where I can kill life, I can then power my mind with guilt, remorse, and all other negative emotions, thoughts, and abuses of myself that I bring up in my mind.

Realizing this:

I commit myself to clearing myself of judgements, worries, and fears that I have attached to each and every thing here in separation - one-by-one, point-by-point - with writing, Self-Forgiveness, and walking my Self-Correction and Self-Commitment.

When and as I see myself as/becoming/going into distraction within myself as thoughts and/or what I can/could be doing that is/has captured my interests at a moment, I stop.  I breath and bring myself back to here within my actual, real physical world.  I commit myself to STOP ACTING/REACTING ON IMPULSE where an 'I-M-Pulse' is my physical indication to myself that I AM PULSATING as an energy high in response to a thought/possible experience that I like/desire/want/crave.  Within this commitment to myself, I direct myself to breath through the energy high and instead of acting on my desires/interests and allowing myself to be/become/live-out my distraction - I ground myself where I utilize that time that has been used for distraction to write, self-forgive, self-correct, self-commit, and/or be present with my family, my son's homeschooling, my work as my system of survival, my household responsibilities, and/or my participation with the Desteni group where I can read Journey To Life blogs, write Journey To Life blogs, vlog as per specific direction, work on my Desteni I Process and/or Agreement Course assignments.  I commit myself to remind myself that I HAVE PLENTY TO DO and thus, I do not require to add any other self-interests to my daily living.

I commit myself to taking care of myself by stopping my self-absorption of myself in/into/as/for my Mind as/within my thoughts and my Ego so that I can actually, for real, care for all others

I see that while I have been caught up in myself, my thoughts, and my distractions, that I have been ignoring the pain in my body - specifically my teeth, where I will only have my teeth repaired for cosmetic/appearance reasons and not for the actual holes that can't be seen by others on a day-to-day basis that are extremely painful.

Within this awareness, I commit myself to having my teeth repaired.  To further work on trust with my physical body, I commit myself to removing myself from my current physical care that has proven to not be caring of myself and my family and to find an actual medical doctor that can assist me with the care of myself and my family as what's best for our physical bodies and not what's best for a companies wallet.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Day 24: Myself As Diminished - Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my mom and my grandmother so that I can have a negative energetic experience within myself as guilt or 'something being wrong with me' or 'something missing from me'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself, as my mother and my grandmother, talking with each other and others that 'something is wrong with Carrie', that I'm just not getting it - in my thoughts I hear and see my family talking about me when I am not there and discussing how fucked up I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what others are discussing as personal.  In relation to my family, I have allowed myself to internalize what I have witnessed as being our family dynamic of discussing how my family members are fucking up their lives and the lives of others and within this I have a allowed myself to fear this because 'if they are talking about someone else, they are talking about me' in this negative way.  What I have not seen, realized, nor understood is that:  Taking what others say as personal CHANGES NOTHING of importance where importance is what is best for myself to become LIFE.  Taking what others say as personal is what is best for myself as my MIND which is my SURVIVAL where I push and drive myself to change my personality because of fear that I will not survive. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself NOT to see, realize, and understand that my participation within the thoughts of how others are talking about me, good or bad, is my acceptance and allowance in that moment to be nothing but a battery for myself as a mind.   I have not seen how I have allowed myself within thoughts as my mind to tell me WHO I AM in every moment and because of this, I have allowed others outside of myself to tell me WHO I AM - and I have accepted this as saying, "Maybe you're right ..." or "I haven't thought of myself that way but ... perhaps you're seeing something about me that I did not see myself" and from this impression, I submerge myself into my thoughts where I become completely absorbed within myself as my mind, become distracted by myself, work through all of the variables/possible outcomes, and thus change my personality.  This entire process requires energy - energy that must be taken from my physical body. So, not only am I beating/abusing myself within myself as my mind, I am also beating/abusing my body.

Early on within my process that I walk with Desteni, I became aware that I was/am diminishing myself as my physical body communicated this to me very clearly.  But because I did not get feedback, I doubted myself and told myself 'maybe I'm wrong' and 'maybe I shouldn't be talking about things or allowing myself to believe things that I do not understand'.  Also, looking back on the specific blog I wrote, I see that I was struggling to communicate what my body was telling me.

More to follow.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Day 23: Myself as a Diminished Version of Those Who Have Gone Before Me - Part Two

Here I begin the Self-Forgiveness for Day 22: Myself as a Diminished Version of Those Who Have Gone Before Me - Part One

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore others basic physical needs for protection from the cold and shelter because I tell myself that MY needs must come first.  I have seen but not cared that I have programmed myself to look out and/or attend to the needs of #1 - me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed and created myself to look out for myself and my self-interests before all else because I have allowed myself to learn from others, my world, and my thoughts that, 'no one is going to take care of me and/or put me first, so I must take care of me and put myself first', 'it's a dog-eat-dog world and all others will get eaten before I do', and 'I am responsible for me and no-one else'.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have used my responsibility for myself as a back-door out of my responsibility for others when I tell myself and communicate to others, "They will have to live out their own consequences." Where 'They' are those that I am responsible for because 'They' are physically and/or intellectually not-able/not developed to practically and realistically be responsible for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that other people, animals, plants, work-related responsibilities, household responsibilities, and all commitments can wait until I am done doing what I am doing, until I am done with what I had previously set out to do, until I feel good/better/productive in the moment, and/or done with whatever I have placed in my self-interested 'Value Queue' first. I have seen and not cared  that I will always create 'something else' that is more important for me to be doing as a means to avoid and ignore the fact that I do not and have not wanted to do anything for anyone/anything outside of myself that does not directly and mostly immediately serve my own purposes from moment to moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself functioning and living in this self-centered pattern/program/behavior from outside of my Ego.  I was not able to see the extent of the damage I have caused and continue to cause as a result of myself being completely and 100% 'caught up' in my thoughts as what has happened to ME, what has been/could be done to ME, how I could have changed others and specific events as to benefit ME and  how I can change ME as my personality, communications, manipulations, and physical appearance to get what I want/desire as an outcome for attention, recognition, appreciation, respect and/or advancement for the 'next time'.

Photo: Self Honesty = Humbling Process

Day 31: Fawning http://wp.me/p1IIrR-vH

Artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo
Artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the heavy weight of remorse and guilt upon realizing that I had 'messed up' via memories and pictures that I am walking, where within this state, I allowed myself to experience a nakedness and exposure without which I reacted with fear and insecurity within.  As I have continued to walk within this state, I have put my guard up as I wrap my arms around the front of my body throughout my day and avoid making eye contact because I see myself, at the moment, as a threat until I get myself sorted out.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry, fear, and feel obligated to others outside of myself who give me the 'I can see you're not okay and I'm worried'  feedback which I interpret as attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and feel obligated to others because I fear that I will lose them if I do not allow myself to show them that I am happy in their presence - I am aware of my commitment to myself to limit myself and within that awareness, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider breaking my commitment to appease, please, relieve, and/or allow another to think/believe/have hope that their efforts are making me 'better' and 'happy'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I do not 'care' nor desire to demonstrate what I have defined as 'loving behaviors' as smiling, laughing, holding, communicating and/or attending to the needs of other people, animals, plants, or anything else in my world outside of myself unless I see there is a potential for MY loss.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted nor allowed myself to be aware of the fear indicators that I energetically inject into my physical body as anxiety, panic, and stress when I am in conflict with myself and another as/in Love - where, because I see myself as obligated within my Fear of Loss and thus hate, become spiteful, and blame the other that I LOVE, as backchat, where I tell myself that another is making me feel fear and thus making me change from being self-centered to having to focus on another.  Thus, seeing this blame and spite and bringing it back to myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that within my walking, writing, and self-forgiveness to understand what LOVE IS and what it COULD BE, that I am scared of losing myself as everything that I have created myself to be as a defense against the threat of realizing what real love is when I change from being self-centered within my mind to actually considering and living what is best for others as what I require equally for myself.

Continued in the next blog.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Day 22: Myself as a Diminished Version of Those Who Have Gone Before Me - Part One

This morning, I walked past my son's bedroom during my morning routine.  I noticed his blankets weren't on him and that he was probably cold or that he would become cold as he began to wake up.  This is no new occurrence, we all kick our blankets off when we're sleeping.  What made me stop and look at myself here was that in the past, when seeing another sleeping with no blankets in the cold, I would: 1) Ignore it.  My needs come first.  The other person can wait.  I will do what is that I have to do for myself first and IF I remember, I will return to cover their body, 2) Simply not care.  I would tell myself all kinds of justifications for not assisting another in the moment out of my desire to not want to give and spite.  I'm out for me, you're out for you - that person can take care of themselves.  Might as well toughen up now. And 3) I would stop and cover up the other person from the point obligation or a fake demonstration of my caring.  "See? I care for you! Really."  The obligation point would be based from memories of those that cared for me covering me up with blankets and how it made me feel protected, loved, cared for, and secure - they did it because they cared and so must I, even if I do not care.

So, back to this morning when I saw that my son should be covered, I stopped and slowed myself down within myself to watch myself as my thoughts and reactions.  I saw within myself those that cared for me covering me up and again, experienced that security and sense of protection and love.  As a child, I would have been able to discern whether or not the caring was real or fake and looking back within myself as a child I see that the caring was real without the justifications and excuses that I'm moving through myself.  Those that cared for me did so because it was simply required - no more, no less.  They were not trying to prove nor demonstrate anything.

I covered my son up with blankets, slowly and carefully.

I realize that I am a diminished version of those who have come before me and cared for me as I have allowed myself, somewhere down the line, to become completely self-absorbed, self-centered, and consumed by myself within my thoughts of myself.

Self-absorbed, self-centered, consumed by my thoughts - Interesting words here that further indicate the diminishment of myself.

In the blog to follow, I will begin writing self-forgiveness.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Day 21: In Love, All Are Replaceable (part 3/3)

Continuing Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction from: Day 19 and Day 20 of In Love, All Are Replaceable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and have faith that a Soul Mate exists/existed for me 'somewhere out there' - I have told myself:  1) The perfect person will come to me, save me, protect me, and that we would live out our existence in this life, the next and the afterlife within our perfect, spiritual-Soul union/re-union.  2) That there is only ONE person/soul in the entirety of existence for me and that one person/soul would make me complete. 3) That if I waited, was patient, and did not look for my Soul Mate/Twin Soul that they we would naturally find each other as it was destined and pre-planned by ourselves that we would be together again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a polarity trap as a result of myself allowing myself to hope, believe, have faith, and to pray that there is Someone-THE ONE-Out There-Somewhere-Only For Me And Only Me For Them-Spiritual Re/Union-Twin Soul Mate-That Would Save Me-And All Would Be Balanced And Whole In My Life.  Where, I would go into each new relationship with the positive, hopeful idea that 'This Could Be The One', compare the relationship to what I had established in my mind as how I would experience myself when I 'found the one', and then become disappointed, graven, and see myself as a failure to myself and my soul because I did not have a mind-blowing, surreal, and religious experience that transcended me to the heaven's in white-light orb of perfect, spiritual-soul union.  When I was within this negativity for telling myself that I had failed/mis-directed myself, I would question myself where I went 'wrong' and tell myself that I must not be ready, that I was not yet worthy of this perfect love union, or that perhaps I was not one of those that are lucky enough to have a Twin Soul Mate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the 'Religious Experience' that I had when my relationship began with my current partner, was a complete Mind-Job that I created via YEARS of wanting and desiring a Close-To-God experience as a result of my finding The One.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as better, more knowledgeable, and as an example via my positive words and catharic physical expressions of/from/as A Person That Has Found Their Twin Soul Mate.  This projection of myself made me feel better about myself because I saw myself as giving others Hope that there was Someone Out There For Them and at the same time, it eased the doubt, disappointment, and uncertainty that I was carrying around with me that I did not in fact, find my Twin Soul Mate.  I have not seen until now how this was yet another game of competition where I would demonstrate and project myself as A Winner and Someone To Look Up To because the feedback from others would quiet my insecurities and satiate my Ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT be honest with myself and others that I in-fact, have had 'one foot out the door' during almost if not all of the relationship where I tell myself, almost every day, that this relationship is 'not right for me', is not working, and so I need to walk away or none of us - my partner, myself, those I care for - will not be stable nor have a chance to understand what Happiness Really Is.  I have not seen how I have sabotaged any potential of a life-partnership with another because of my unreal expectations that do not exist anywhere else but in my mind as my imaginations and fantasies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that because I have not been honest with myself about my unreal expectations that exist within my mind, showing myself as existing as judge and jury as back-chat, that I have continued to allow myself to blame my partner for ANYTHING between/within/as us/our relationship that does not go how I have told/programmed myself how it SHOULD go.  So, the truth is, when I tell myself and others that I am not blaming my partner anymore and that I am taking responsibility for myself, this is not self-honest communication.

I commit myself to removing the expectations that I have built up and layered within me that cannot be practically lived within this physical reality.

I commit myself to stop looking, scanning, and hunting for qualities, values, and ideals within others that could potentially match and/or co-exist with me.

I commit myself to stop presenting myself as my mind and physical body via verbal and non-verbal communication in a way that is specific to attracting many potential mates for myself to put 'to the test'.

I walk my self-commitments as follows:

When and as I see that I am extracting qualities, values, ideals and/or potential from others to determine if they are compatible with myself, my qualities, values, ideals, and/or potential that I see as being myself within/as of my mind, I stop.  I breath.  I realize that anything that I tell myself that I am/SHOULD BE based on how I am currently existing as memories, thoughts of myself, and judgements, are points that I am required to walk with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.  Thus, instead of ACTING on that which I have allowed myself to become as a living expression of myself, I direct myself to stopping the act and to walk through the thoughts, memories, fears and judgements that I have created the act FOR with self-forgiveness and self-correction.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Day 20: In Love, All Are Repleacable (cont.)

This is the self-forgiveness and self-correction for Day 19: In Love, All Are Replaceable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have not been honest with myself in relation to love and being in a relationship.  Somewhere, somehow, I got this idea and this picture in my mind of myself in a physically affectionate, eternal bond with another that would separate and protect myself, my partner, and those that I care for from anyone or anything on the outside of ourselves.  From this, I can determine that I am seeing other people outside of my immediate life, as a threat that can be protected against with strength in numbers where the numbers can be strengthened by love, affection, and bonds.  Where I have not been honest with myself within this allowance of myself to become bonded, is that this is something that I really do not want for myself.  So, I am and have been living in this polarity where I am wanting my idea of a perfect relationship inwhich I am bonded and secured while at the same time, I want to break out because I see myself as tied down, restrained, and not able to explore myself and my world as freely as I see others who are not in a bond with another.

So, what do I really want here?
AND, IF I knew what I -really- wanted, can I trust myself at this point to move in a direction that is best?
I'm seeing that before I make any move, that I have to get rid of my ideas, pictures, reasons, justifications, fears, feelings, and emotions from both sides that I've allowed as I've placed negative and positives on being in a relationship and not being in a relationship.  I've been doing this for a VERY LONG time.  Enough is enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being tied down by my relationship attachments:  This tied down by attachments is a physical-feeling picture where the attachments are like stringy, stretchy tendons that cover my entire body where I fight and struggle to see and breath as they hold my naked physical body to the ground.  I have not seen the hell that I have placed myself in by seeing myself held in this way.  Within this honest admission to myself, I see that the only solution is my process I walk with Desteni where if I self-forgive and continue to walk with the group, I can get up, be clean from these surreal attachments, walk, and enjoy the air that I breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that if I am not able to make time everyday to self-forgive and thus rid myself of these attachments that I see as binding me to the earth, that I will never be free.  I get angry, I get agitated, and I get bitter because I am blaming my partner, those that I take care of, work, and all the other distractions I have for myself not being able to release myself from my self-created mess.

I forgive myself that I have have accepted and allowed myself to not see that my acceptance and allowance of myself of being bonded, attached, restrained, and/or unable for ANY REASON outside, inside and/or alongside myself is strengthening my bond to my surreal hell - because I ALLOW IT to.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that if I continue to allow this version of myself to exist and continue to see myself as a victim of my pre-Desteni choices and decisions, that I will continue to BE a victim.

I commit myself to stop myself from victimizing myself.

When and as I see myself as being attached to anything or anyone outside of myself, I stop.  I breath.  I realize that the attachment I have created is something that I have made up in my mind that I communicate to myself as a surreal Gieger-esque picture so that I will fear of myself existing this way and thus fight against it.  I realize that it only takes ONE MOMENT of BREATH where I decide that I am LIFE and thus, I no longer accept this mind-physical attached version of me as me as it is not me as life.

When and as I see myself desiring to be free from my commitments and my responsibilities as indicated by my blaming others and/or my back-chat, I stop.  I breath. I stop my back-chat.  I understand and am clear on the fact that blame gets me no where - I have been walking this.  Within this awareness, I see that the limitations I live are the limitations that I place for myself - I see this in myself and I see this in my world.  Thus, at this moment, I commit myself to a practical solution of observing the points in which I have placed limitation on myself, bringing these points of limitation of myself back to myself and testing the equality of myself within/as limitation - when I do this, I commit myself to removing the limitations that have no potential for supporting myself and others.  As I remove that which is not supportive, I continue to walk and test the limitations that ARE supportive for myself and others.  Within this re-direction of myself, I remove the polarity from myself as being 'free' or 'not free' by living and walking that which is required to support myself and others - no more, no less.

 To be continued.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Day 19: In Love, All Are Replacable

I see that I am bitter about love.  When I read the words that I have written and watch myself talk, it becomes clear that because I have allowed myself to love I have tied myself down with all of these strings of attachment.  What I want for myself, at this moment, is to come and go as I please and the fact is, it's never going to happen.

I had a religious experience when my partner and I got together - it was intense.  It's that Soul Mate/Twin Soul stuff that we read about and program ourselves to look for where we just 'know' and when I was with them, I felt closer to God in this auric white-blushish moon-like bubble.

Looking at my starting point as having found my Soul Mate in Love and looking at times when we've discussed severing the relationship, it kinda debunks the whole 'Soul Mate/Twin Soul' thing.  It debunks the statement: you will know when it's time.

Love is the elusive carrot dangling before us...  I had it worked up in my mind of how great my life was going to be once I got my carrot.  When my life didn't play out with my Soul Mate how I had imagined in my mind, I became disappointed and angry and my reaction was to place blame and to go through the countless amounts of justifications and reasonings of why it couldn't' work.

Another point I've noticed about myself is that I've got all of this information rambling around in my mind as thoughts and reactions where I tell myself what I 'should' be doing based on what I'm hearing, seeing and have been telling myself as what would be best and within my awareness of this information, I'm battling out with myself in my mind as/with others every day.  I see that I have not changed as I am still taking what I hear as personal by analyzing others statements, breaking communication down, and extracting points that I can use to separate myself from others as I judge myself, beat myself up for not being a perfect match for another, and tell myself that others are manipulating, lying, deceiving, using me and feeling sorry for me so that I put up my physical defenses and close myself off.

I see how I keep myself a prisoner in my mind under complete lock-down.  I see that within this that I will never be able to express myself and give of myself openly to myself and others until I can stop my thoughts, fears, and judgements.  I see that it is pointless at this moment to consider redefining love for myself because it would just be another piece of information to throw into the mix of my mind.  The road ahead on the journey to life looks looooooooooooong and winding from here.

 Self-forgiveness to follow and maybe a vlog when I have a moment.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Day 18: Fear and Love Are the Same

This week I have been walking some points in relation to the ups and downs that I experience while in actual and imagined physical sexual relationships with another.  It was a crazy time within myself - there were moments when I experienced my insecurity lows so intensely that I became completely possessed by and obsessed with finding anything or anyone outside of myself from which I could get a positive high.  Getting a positive high is easy for me as I have created a social network from which I can get my positive energy high addiction needs in any moment.  The highs never lasted and in the end, nothing had changed - from my high, I would go right back into a low of self-doubt, distrust, assumption, rejection, and unworthiness.

It was quite a shit-storm I've been walking.  And I had committed myself to seeing it through and thus seeing myself as who I have been and what I have been accepting and allowing myself to create and participate in. As I began my journey, I was scared as I had seen consequence as a 'bad thing' that must be avoided at all costs.  I'm glad that I did not avoid my consequences.  I am glad that I pushed myself to walk myself within myself as an observer of myself as I use my mind as a tool from which I can understand my starting points within the relationships that I create - the Eye Twitching Interview became available at a perfect time and I strongly suggest this series for any of us walking our relationships with others.

So.  Half-way through my process of getting caught up in what I had defined as 'Love', with the extreme highs and lows, I was pacing, distracted, and struggling within my body with pain, anxiety, frustration, ego, ecstasy, and excitement, I forced myself to the computer and began to write self-forgiveness.  As I was pushing through the reactions as emotions and feelings, it became clear to me that the sensation of 'Love' that I was experiencing within my stomach and parts of my body are the same sensations that I experience when I am startled, begin to panic, am faced with a phobia, or become intensely fearful.  From this realization, I continued to test this 'Love' sensation and compare it with the 'Fear' sensation.  And there was never any differentiation between the two.

It became clear: Love, as I have defined it, is not happy, wonderful, blissful thing.  Love is a fear reaction.  Suggest testing it for yourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT stop and slow myself so that I could see and understand that my physical reaction that I have accepted as love is, in physical fact, the exact same reaction that I have when in fearful, scarey, phobic, and/or panic situations or events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that a fear reaction 'must be love' because it is accompanied by positive energy highs and negative energy lows which I have equated to 'being in love' via my self-accepted programming from TV, movies, books, and observing others within my physical world who I have witnessed within this 'love' experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself become energized and excited by the flushed faces of confused, vacant, numbed, surreal and/or elated fellow human beings who are within this cycle of high-low love and thus desiring the experience for myself so that I can become what other human beings are when in love.  I have not allowed myself to see the price that we humans pay in tears, self-doubt, distrust, and physical pain so that we can have a moment of ecstasy, numbness and the surreal experience that assists in our acceptance, allowance, and beliefs of this reality not being real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use love as a means to separate and distance myself from this real, physical world.  When I am within my self-interests and within the high-low cycle of love, I am not seeing what is here - I am in my mind as thoughts and fantasies and in my body as fear.  I have not seen that as long as I continue to allow myself to not be present because I am thinking and fearing, the longer it is going to take me to understand and stand as/for what must be done as a solution for life.

It is quite cool that I can look at Love as I look at Fear as we Destonians are looking at, facing, and taking on our fears every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fearful within my relationships with others because I am afraid of losing others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself if I lose others because I have allowed myself to tell myself that I am rejected, not wanted, not desirable, not good enough, and not worthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misuse and abuse the word 'Love' where if and/or when and as I hear the words, 'I love you' from another, I equate this to myself as being accepted, wanted, desired, secure, and/or special which is only a temporary solution for my fear of loss.  I have not allowed myself to slow myself and see that my fear of loss continues to linger, quietly in the background within my mind where I am required to be soothed over and over over and over again with positive feedback as what I have defined as 'loving expressions'.

When and as I see that I am considering placing myself within a high-low fear-love experience via a relationship that I have created with someone or something outside of myself, I stop.  I breath. I sit. I self-forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to create for losses that I can fear.

When and as I identify my fears of loss, I write and/or speak my fears of loss with self-forgiveness statements and self-correction - I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to walk with, through, and thus out of my previously programmed definitions of love so that I can discover what love practically and eternally is as can be lived for/from/by my self. 

Friday, June 1, 2012

Day 17: In-Spite of Myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become scared and confused and thus become irritated and emotional.  I have not been honest with myself that I am scared to be alone with myself.  I have not been honest with myself that I am confused within myself as to WHY I am scared to be alone with myself and continue to seek out attention as a means of gaining positive feelings from others outside of myself – WHY can’t I be content, calm, and stable within myself as myself as here, as nothingness? 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become mad at myself for not allowing myself to simply be here with myself as my physical body where I am seeing that instead of taking moments to get to know myself within and as myself as physically here, I give in to my urges and desires to ‘keep on moving’ or to be doing ‘something else’.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use myself as my physical body for ‘fun’, something ‘different’ from my everyday experiences, and as a means to express my appreciation/gratitude for others accepting me and/or giving me what it is that I tell myself that I require to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get rid of all of myself as my mind, my body, and my personalities so that I do not have to face myself – I just want myself to GO AWAY.  Because I do not ‘just go away’ and I have to work with myself within the agreement I have made with myself to do the work required so that I am effective and do not have to be removed, I become spiteful.  And within that spitefulness, I sabotage myself with words and emotions of hate and revenge as my Ego – how dare I reject myself as my mind? How dare I deny myself fun and good feelings?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the attention that I require to be stable – instead I have given my attention to others and other things and within that, I have allowed myself to get caught up in a positive/negative energy trap because I was bored – bored with myself, bored with my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, in any given moment, that I would fall/fail.  I did not and have not realized that to fall while I am walking would mean that I wasn’t watching where I was walking OR that someone else wasn’t watching where they were walking and I would get angry and annoyed at them for tripping me up – since I am taking responsibility for myself,  there is no blame allowed and all blame can be directed back to myself within self-forgiveness.  Further, any moments where I wasn’t present within my walk, I can bring back to myself in self-forgiveness, study myself, see myself self-honestly within/as my self-forgiveness and stop.  I forgive myself that I did not allow myself to see that at ANY moment, I can stop and re-direct myself via writing and self-forgiveness. Yes.

When and as I see and/or begin to experience restlessness within my physical body and imagination/scenario curiosity and wanderings as my mind as boredom, I STOP and I BREEEEEEEEEEATHE.  I slow myself down.  I ground myself to my physical world with both feet. I bring myself back to myself, equal and one with myself as myself, my mind, and my body.  I ask myself as my mind and my body questions: Do I have excess energy to get rid of as my physical body? Why? Why not? If no, what is it that I am working on distracting myself from as myself? What is the resistance here?  What do I not want to see in myself that I’m looking for outside of myself?  I continue to bring myself back to myself within/as/from questions for myself that are answered for myself as all as equal to myself until I am clear, satisfied and able to re-direct myself from an experience of boredom to a solution that is best for all of myself as equal.