Saturday, June 9, 2012

Day 20: In Love, All Are Repleacable (cont.)

This is the self-forgiveness and self-correction for Day 19: In Love, All Are Replaceable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have not been honest with myself in relation to love and being in a relationship.  Somewhere, somehow, I got this idea and this picture in my mind of myself in a physically affectionate, eternal bond with another that would separate and protect myself, my partner, and those that I care for from anyone or anything on the outside of ourselves.  From this, I can determine that I am seeing other people outside of my immediate life, as a threat that can be protected against with strength in numbers where the numbers can be strengthened by love, affection, and bonds.  Where I have not been honest with myself within this allowance of myself to become bonded, is that this is something that I really do not want for myself.  So, I am and have been living in this polarity where I am wanting my idea of a perfect relationship inwhich I am bonded and secured while at the same time, I want to break out because I see myself as tied down, restrained, and not able to explore myself and my world as freely as I see others who are not in a bond with another.

So, what do I really want here?
AND, IF I knew what I -really- wanted, can I trust myself at this point to move in a direction that is best?
I'm seeing that before I make any move, that I have to get rid of my ideas, pictures, reasons, justifications, fears, feelings, and emotions from both sides that I've allowed as I've placed negative and positives on being in a relationship and not being in a relationship.  I've been doing this for a VERY LONG time.  Enough is enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being tied down by my relationship attachments:  This tied down by attachments is a physical-feeling picture where the attachments are like stringy, stretchy tendons that cover my entire body where I fight and struggle to see and breath as they hold my naked physical body to the ground.  I have not seen the hell that I have placed myself in by seeing myself held in this way.  Within this honest admission to myself, I see that the only solution is my process I walk with Desteni where if I self-forgive and continue to walk with the group, I can get up, be clean from these surreal attachments, walk, and enjoy the air that I breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that if I am not able to make time everyday to self-forgive and thus rid myself of these attachments that I see as binding me to the earth, that I will never be free.  I get angry, I get agitated, and I get bitter because I am blaming my partner, those that I take care of, work, and all the other distractions I have for myself not being able to release myself from my self-created mess.

I forgive myself that I have have accepted and allowed myself to not see that my acceptance and allowance of myself of being bonded, attached, restrained, and/or unable for ANY REASON outside, inside and/or alongside myself is strengthening my bond to my surreal hell - because I ALLOW IT to.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that if I continue to allow this version of myself to exist and continue to see myself as a victim of my pre-Desteni choices and decisions, that I will continue to BE a victim.

I commit myself to stop myself from victimizing myself.

When and as I see myself as being attached to anything or anyone outside of myself, I stop.  I breath.  I realize that the attachment I have created is something that I have made up in my mind that I communicate to myself as a surreal Gieger-esque picture so that I will fear of myself existing this way and thus fight against it.  I realize that it only takes ONE MOMENT of BREATH where I decide that I am LIFE and thus, I no longer accept this mind-physical attached version of me as me as it is not me as life.

When and as I see myself desiring to be free from my commitments and my responsibilities as indicated by my blaming others and/or my back-chat, I stop.  I breath. I stop my back-chat.  I understand and am clear on the fact that blame gets me no where - I have been walking this.  Within this awareness, I see that the limitations I live are the limitations that I place for myself - I see this in myself and I see this in my world.  Thus, at this moment, I commit myself to a practical solution of observing the points in which I have placed limitation on myself, bringing these points of limitation of myself back to myself and testing the equality of myself within/as limitation - when I do this, I commit myself to removing the limitations that have no potential for supporting myself and others.  As I remove that which is not supportive, I continue to walk and test the limitations that ARE supportive for myself and others.  Within this re-direction of myself, I remove the polarity from myself as being 'free' or 'not free' by living and walking that which is required to support myself and others - no more, no less.

 To be continued.

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