Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Day 22: Myself as a Diminished Version of Those Who Have Gone Before Me - Part One

This morning, I walked past my son's bedroom during my morning routine.  I noticed his blankets weren't on him and that he was probably cold or that he would become cold as he began to wake up.  This is no new occurrence, we all kick our blankets off when we're sleeping.  What made me stop and look at myself here was that in the past, when seeing another sleeping with no blankets in the cold, I would: 1) Ignore it.  My needs come first.  The other person can wait.  I will do what is that I have to do for myself first and IF I remember, I will return to cover their body, 2) Simply not care.  I would tell myself all kinds of justifications for not assisting another in the moment out of my desire to not want to give and spite.  I'm out for me, you're out for you - that person can take care of themselves.  Might as well toughen up now. And 3) I would stop and cover up the other person from the point obligation or a fake demonstration of my caring.  "See? I care for you! Really."  The obligation point would be based from memories of those that cared for me covering me up with blankets and how it made me feel protected, loved, cared for, and secure - they did it because they cared and so must I, even if I do not care.

So, back to this morning when I saw that my son should be covered, I stopped and slowed myself down within myself to watch myself as my thoughts and reactions.  I saw within myself those that cared for me covering me up and again, experienced that security and sense of protection and love.  As a child, I would have been able to discern whether or not the caring was real or fake and looking back within myself as a child I see that the caring was real without the justifications and excuses that I'm moving through myself.  Those that cared for me did so because it was simply required - no more, no less.  They were not trying to prove nor demonstrate anything.

I covered my son up with blankets, slowly and carefully.

I realize that I am a diminished version of those who have come before me and cared for me as I have allowed myself, somewhere down the line, to become completely self-absorbed, self-centered, and consumed by myself within my thoughts of myself.

Self-absorbed, self-centered, consumed by my thoughts - Interesting words here that further indicate the diminishment of myself.

In the blog to follow, I will begin writing self-forgiveness.

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