Thursday, June 7, 2012

Day 19: In Love, All Are Replacable

I see that I am bitter about love.  When I read the words that I have written and watch myself talk, it becomes clear that because I have allowed myself to love I have tied myself down with all of these strings of attachment.  What I want for myself, at this moment, is to come and go as I please and the fact is, it's never going to happen.

I had a religious experience when my partner and I got together - it was intense.  It's that Soul Mate/Twin Soul stuff that we read about and program ourselves to look for where we just 'know' and when I was with them, I felt closer to God in this auric white-blushish moon-like bubble.

Looking at my starting point as having found my Soul Mate in Love and looking at times when we've discussed severing the relationship, it kinda debunks the whole 'Soul Mate/Twin Soul' thing.  It debunks the statement: you will know when it's time.

Love is the elusive carrot dangling before us...  I had it worked up in my mind of how great my life was going to be once I got my carrot.  When my life didn't play out with my Soul Mate how I had imagined in my mind, I became disappointed and angry and my reaction was to place blame and to go through the countless amounts of justifications and reasonings of why it couldn't' work.

Another point I've noticed about myself is that I've got all of this information rambling around in my mind as thoughts and reactions where I tell myself what I 'should' be doing based on what I'm hearing, seeing and have been telling myself as what would be best and within my awareness of this information, I'm battling out with myself in my mind as/with others every day.  I see that I have not changed as I am still taking what I hear as personal by analyzing others statements, breaking communication down, and extracting points that I can use to separate myself from others as I judge myself, beat myself up for not being a perfect match for another, and tell myself that others are manipulating, lying, deceiving, using me and feeling sorry for me so that I put up my physical defenses and close myself off.

I see how I keep myself a prisoner in my mind under complete lock-down.  I see that within this that I will never be able to express myself and give of myself openly to myself and others until I can stop my thoughts, fears, and judgements.  I see that it is pointless at this moment to consider redefining love for myself because it would just be another piece of information to throw into the mix of my mind.  The road ahead on the journey to life looks looooooooooooong and winding from here.

 Self-forgiveness to follow and maybe a vlog when I have a moment.

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