Friday, June 22, 2012

Day 24: Myself As Diminished - Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my mom and my grandmother so that I can have a negative energetic experience within myself as guilt or 'something being wrong with me' or 'something missing from me'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself, as my mother and my grandmother, talking with each other and others that 'something is wrong with Carrie', that I'm just not getting it - in my thoughts I hear and see my family talking about me when I am not there and discussing how fucked up I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what others are discussing as personal.  In relation to my family, I have allowed myself to internalize what I have witnessed as being our family dynamic of discussing how my family members are fucking up their lives and the lives of others and within this I have a allowed myself to fear this because 'if they are talking about someone else, they are talking about me' in this negative way.  What I have not seen, realized, nor understood is that:  Taking what others say as personal CHANGES NOTHING of importance where importance is what is best for myself to become LIFE.  Taking what others say as personal is what is best for myself as my MIND which is my SURVIVAL where I push and drive myself to change my personality because of fear that I will not survive. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself NOT to see, realize, and understand that my participation within the thoughts of how others are talking about me, good or bad, is my acceptance and allowance in that moment to be nothing but a battery for myself as a mind.   I have not seen how I have allowed myself within thoughts as my mind to tell me WHO I AM in every moment and because of this, I have allowed others outside of myself to tell me WHO I AM - and I have accepted this as saying, "Maybe you're right ..." or "I haven't thought of myself that way but ... perhaps you're seeing something about me that I did not see myself" and from this impression, I submerge myself into my thoughts where I become completely absorbed within myself as my mind, become distracted by myself, work through all of the variables/possible outcomes, and thus change my personality.  This entire process requires energy - energy that must be taken from my physical body. So, not only am I beating/abusing myself within myself as my mind, I am also beating/abusing my body.

Early on within my process that I walk with Desteni, I became aware that I was/am diminishing myself as my physical body communicated this to me very clearly.  But because I did not get feedback, I doubted myself and told myself 'maybe I'm wrong' and 'maybe I shouldn't be talking about things or allowing myself to believe things that I do not understand'.  Also, looking back on the specific blog I wrote, I see that I was struggling to communicate what my body was telling me.

More to follow.

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