In this blog, I am applying self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment to thoughts that I have had while in my I'm Missing Out Character.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself, "I never get to do what I want," after I have seen that I am not able to do something that I want to do or if I haven't gotten to do something that I had wanted to do. As I hear myself and the words now, it sounds like a pouty-voiced temper tantrum - where, if I were to act it out, I would pout, clench my fists, stomp my foot and whine. Had I not reacted to things not going my way - or for that matter, not gone into my and imagined how things could go in the first the place - I would have been stable and better able to see the moment in a down-to-earth, mature way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project blame on others when and as there has been something that I want to do but can't. I have been turning my dissatisfaction with my life and myself onto others and not taking responsibility for the decisions that I have made while attempting to live out a fantasy of unrealistic events and expectations of 'what life should be' in my mind. It is an alternate reality that doesn't hold up in the physical world outside of my mind - and yet, despite my ideas, beliefs, and plans of how I can live out my fantasies rarely working out and causing a lot of conflict with myself and others, I have not allowed myself to let go of my beliefs nor have I stopped recreating them for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the belief that life is 'too short to be missing out on opportunities to experience certain things'. I have bought into these words because they have benefited me on my path of attempting to live out my fantasies of 'what life should be' - nice words that have been covering up and supporting my fear of missing out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have often times imagine myself as really old lady who is looking back on my young life in regret of all of the things that I could have done but didn't. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this future-projection of myself to exist within and as me as I realize that picture is something I picked up somewhere from watching TV or a movie or I read it somewhere along the way - it's an implant that I accepted and allowed because it aligned with my fears of growing old, loss, missing out, and negative emotional experiences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that there are 'so many things to do and so many people to meet - and there's not enough time to do it in'. I see that this is a belief that I created for myself by repeating it to myself over-and-over again after I heard a friend say something similar a few times - and I wanted to be like her: popular, a master socializer, and a free spirit - as this would have insured that I was liked, included in everyone's plans, and free to join in whatever others were doing. Thing is, I've never been 'free' to join in what others are doing as I would like to which has produced a significant amount of conflict, some consequence that I'm not really cool with, and decisions that had not considered what is best for everyone that could potentially be effected.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be doing, seeing, and experiencing what others are instead of doing, seeing, and being who/what I am and have been.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as one of my friends or past relationships come up in my mind with the memories of experienced that I have connected to them and then wonder, "What fun are they having without me?" and "What have I been missing?" Instead of going into what I have been missing or what I have apparently 'lost' because I'm not getting fun or whatever other experience from the relationship/friendship anymore, I could have simply enjoyed the memories and the times we had together.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself and others, "I always miss everything!" in a whiney voice. Lol. This is not true and me playing out a character (and not even a unique one) to get some sort of a reaction out of myself and others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself and others, "It's not fair that others can be there and doing the things that I want to do when I can't." Somewhere I have come up with this belief and idea that life is supposed to be fair when it obviously is not. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have unreal expectations of what life is and trying to force life into these ideas instead of realizing I can't control life, letting go of this belief that life is supposed to be fair, and being in/with/as life without preconceived notions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have driven myself from starting points of greed and self-interest - so, when I say, "If I don't this, someone else will get to experience it and I won't," it has meant that I have not wanted to share and that I have not wanted others to have what I want for myself. Why would I continue to allow myself to exist in this way when, looking at the world, I see the consequences of living/being/thinking in this way?
I commit myself to stop going into reacting when and as points come up that are not aligning with my ideas and beliefs of the way 'things should be' and/or 'my way' as I have worked them out to be in my mind. When and as the beliefs and ideas come up, I stop, breath, and question the ideas and beliefs by asking myself, "Where is this coming from? How am I living out this point? How is this benefiting me? What are the consequences? What can I do to physically change this point?"
Within this, I commit myself to stop going into my imaginations from a point of self-interest with the intent of seeing how things could play out in a positive way for me by when and as I see there is an opportunity for me to do or experience something, I stop, breath, and do not allow myself to go into anticipation, excitement, or any other positive feelings or any of the images that may be coming up in my mind. I remain clear and stable - observing what's coming up and self-forgiving if possible or necessary - and direct myself from here.
I commit myself to stop the pattern of going into want and desire in regards to what others are doing and experiencing by when and as I see myself going into imagining what it would be like for me in their situation, I stop, breath, and bring my attention and focus back to myself, where I am, what I am doing, and what I'm already working on for goals and fun activities.
I commit myself to stop the fear of becoming old and within this, the fear of existing in regret by reminding myself that I will truly be fortunate if I am able to become old and of all the things that I've done, the regrets that I have had are a result of me being in my mind in separation rather than being here in the moment - letting go, taking it in, giving back, and allowing myself to enjoy myself, others and whatever is going on if anything at all.
I commit myself to stopping my mind and physical patterns of attempting to be someone else or attempt to live out their life and instead focus on living my own - I commit myself to my own adventure into the unknown.
I commit myself to giving myself what I have been looking for experiences and other people to give to me by when and as I see myself looking to an external source for me to have a desired experience, I stop and breath. I bring the point back to myself, investigate it, and see if I can come up with ways of giving it to myself! I will make a game of it and create some fun for myself.
I commit myself to stopping my mind and physical patterns of forcing myself as my ideas, beliefs, and the way I think 'things should be' onto external reality by when and as the fear comes up as indicated by the tightness in my solar plexus and the urge to 'speak my mind', I stop, breath, and allow myself to let it go. I mean, life as it exists isn't fair - and it will never be fair until it's fair for everyone equally.
I commit myself to stop my mind and physical patterns of greed and self-interest by changing my ways - I will give as I have been given or as I would like for myself, I will take the time to consider others and where they are coming from and I will support where I am able and always work on creative ways of expressing this support.