Day 225: Why Didn't I Do Something About It?

Self-Forgiveness for Day 224: Not So Obvious (To Me Anyway)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for allowing myself to live, for a very long time, in the way that I have been and for doing nothing about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry on about, draw out, and/or threaten to do something about a situation that wasn't best for years instead of making the move to actually change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for prolonging the inevitable. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not making the move to change my situation much earlier when I had started to become aware that what I was living with/in/as was really fucked up and not cool at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and bitter at myself and others for me begging externally for my situation to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be miserable for as long as I did - not seeing, realizing, nor understanding that being miserable is fine for a moment to support myself to make changes - and not a long-term solution where I had accepted it as 'wear for the road' and had come to believe that being miserable is normal - a sort of sacrifice of self for the greater good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the times when things were 'good' or 'okay' - getting myself caught up in the polarity of 'this is shit' but 'it's good sometimes too'. Bouncing back and forth instead of slowing myself down and facing what has been underneath it: a fear of the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my 'What if ...' thoughts to influence me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated when things aren't going well, as I would want, or as I had expected - and for having held on to the anger and frustration and allowing it to accumulate into Rage instead of self-forgiving it in the moment and the moments that the same patterns have played out in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, with this accumulated anger, frustration, and rage, to act out with temper tantrums. become physically erratic, throw my arms up, point fingers, become intense, yell, and scream - not seeing that this is not an actual release of the accumulated emotions, only makes things worse, and conditions me to allow the behavior again - each time, going into it quicker than the last.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to change how I am responding to the situations that come up in my daily living - and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry and frustrated with myself for my responses that aren't cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become miserable and dissatisfied with myself and how I am not responding in way that is supportive for me and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become jealous and resentful of others whom I have been perceiving as having freedom to do as they like, the ability to adapt and/or bounce back from bad situations, and easily make changes for themselves - and get caught up in this - instead of seeing that Freedom, Adaptability, and Change are words and ways of being that have yet to be defined and lived by myself - and to stop what I am doing with the reactions and work on that.

Day 211: Pot & Kettle

I've been working with a point for a few months now where I require someone else to assist me with something because I have not seen how I can do it for myself.  I have asked, I have pushed, I have yelled, I have pleaded, I have cried, I have been changing my perspective, changed the way I do things, and I have presented alternative solutions.  There have been times when I just want to throw my arms up in the air and say, 'Fuck it! I give up!' - and I really do wish this was possible - that I could just say, 'I'm done with this', and be done with it.  But it's not happening.

I have noticed that every time I approach this problem and do not come up with a workable solution, that I say to myself, "Well, I'm just going to have to do this on my own ..." And then, I say to myself, "But I don't want to have to do this on my own.  Why do I have to do this on my own?  Everyone else in this similar situation does not have to do this on their own!" I have then started crying and being miserable.  This pattern has been repeating over and over and over again.

I ask myself, "Why am I so emotional about this? Why can I not accept that I am going to have to either give this point up or take care of it on my own?"  And my answer is the same: Because I don't want to.

Tonight my son Hunter was asking me to get him a snack.  Not only was he able to get himself a snack but I was also working so I said, "No. You get it."  The thing is, I will usually just go and get him whatever he wants when he asks, though this time, I didn't see why he couldn't do it himself.  He started to whine, "Noooooooooo. I don't want to do it myself ... you have to do it for me ..." And then started whimpering and carrying on for the next half-hour until he fell asleep.

Well, oh my god.  Talk about the pot showing the kettle how black it is.  He was doing the exact same thing that I had been doing shortly before ... having a temper tantrum.

When I look at what he's experiencing, I see that he's accustomed to me getting him a snack when he wants one and he's satisfied with that. So when the situation changes and he's placed in a position of having to change what he's doing, it's not an easy thing.  I see in him how I have gotten into these habits and ways of doing things based on how they have played out in the past - and I'm so accustomed to things going that one and only way that I do not consider that there may be another way to do things.  In fact, I don't even want to consider it.  My mind does not see the point of it when things work just fine doing the 'old way', the way that I know, and the way that I see everyone else is doing it.

So, the reality is that if this point is important enough for me to have for myself, I will have to do it for myself. And within this, give up all of my ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, and future projections of how it should be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to do certain things on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to change how I am doing things - even when the situation changes and there are no other practical alternatives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when things change and as a result of this change, I have to change.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness and pity for myself because things didn't go as planned, as I had hoped, or how others are going about doing similar things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have temper tantrums where I attempt to manipulate the sitatuation - and myself and others in the situation - with crying, anger, frustration, being miserable, and expressing depression.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control others with these manipulation tactics instead of moving myself to do things for myself by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to do certain things for me - even when I am capable of moving myself to do these things for myself.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy and to not commit myself to doing this important thing for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my beliefs to stand in the way of me changing.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed all of this - ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, future projections, resistance, emotions, temper tantrums, manipulation tactics and laziness - all because I have had a fear of the unknown and having to face it on my own.

I commit myself to do this for myself by putting my all into it, understanding it, exploring it, and learning how to do it on my own.

I commit myself to stopping myself from becoming emotional when I am faced with a point that's changed and as a result must change myself by when and as the thoughts come up of me being the victim somehow, getting the short end of the stick, and/or any of the reasons why things should go as I want, expect, or hope, I stop and breath.  I remind myself: this is Life - Life changes and where I've made the commitment to participate with and be Life, I've got to change too.

I commit myself to be equal-to the force of Life in my change and doing things for myself.

I commit myself to stop handling situations with temper tantrums and other manipulation tactics by when and as I see myself wanting to act out or speak out my frustration because something has changed, I'm not in control of a situation, and/or because I don't know what else to do, I stop and breath.  I don't allow myself to get myself worked up and in a panic and instead allow myself to breath myself back to where I can see things clearly and look at how I can approach the changed situation.  I realize that if I don't allow myself to go into my thoughts and beliefs on the matter, that I'm better able to sort things out and make adjustments as necessary.

I commit myself to stop allowing all of these ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, future projections, and resistances to influence me from changing - I realize that it's all utter nonsense.  And, really, I can be done with it at this point and simply use these things coming up for self-support.

I commit myself to show myself what I can do for myself to support myself.

Day 210: The Way Life Should Be

In this blog, I am applying self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment to thoughts that I have had while in my I'm Missing Out Character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself, "I never get to do what I want," after I have seen that I am not able to do something that I want to do or if I haven't gotten to do something that I had wanted to do.  As I hear myself and the words now, it sounds like a pouty-voiced temper tantrum - where, if I were to act it out, I would pout, clench my fists, stomp my foot and whine.  Had I not reacted to things not going my way - or for that matter, not gone into my and imagined how things could go in the first the place - I would have been stable and better able to see the moment in a down-to-earth, mature way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project blame on others when and as there has been something that I want to do but can't.  I have been turning my dissatisfaction with my life and myself onto others and not taking responsibility for the decisions that I have made while attempting to live out a fantasy of unrealistic events and expectations of 'what life should be' in my mind.  It is an alternate reality that doesn't hold up in the physical world outside of my mind - and yet, despite my ideas, beliefs, and plans of how I can live out my fantasies rarely working out and causing a lot of conflict with myself and others, I have not allowed myself to let go of my beliefs nor have I stopped recreating them for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the belief that life is 'too short to be missing out on opportunities to experience certain things'. I have bought into these words because they have benefited me on my path of attempting to live out my fantasies of 'what life should be' - nice words that have been covering up and supporting my fear of missing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have often times imagine myself as really old lady who is looking back on my young life in regret of all of the things that I could have done but didn't.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this future-projection of myself to exist within and as me as I realize that picture is something I picked up somewhere from watching TV or a movie or I read it somewhere along the way - it's an implant that I accepted and allowed because it aligned with my fears of growing old, loss, missing out, and negative emotional experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that there are 'so many things to do and so many people to meet - and there's not enough time to do it in'. I see that this is a belief that I created for myself by repeating it to myself over-and-over again after I heard a friend say something similar a few times - and I wanted to be like her: popular, a master socializer, and a free spirit - as this would have insured that I was liked, included in everyone's plans, and free to join in whatever others were doing.  Thing is, I've never been 'free' to join in what others are doing as I would like to which has produced a significant amount of conflict, some consequence that I'm not really cool with, and decisions that had not considered what is best for everyone that could potentially be effected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be doing, seeing, and experiencing what others are instead of doing, seeing, and being who/what I am and have been.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as one of my friends or past relationships come up in my mind with the memories of experienced that I have connected to them and then wonder, "What fun are they having without me?" and "What have I been missing?"  Instead of going into what I have been missing or what I have apparently 'lost' because I'm not getting fun or whatever other experience from the relationship/friendship anymore, I could have simply enjoyed the memories and the times we had together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself and others, "I always miss everything!" in a whiney voice. Lol.  This is not true and me playing out a character (and not even a unique one) to get some sort of a reaction out of  myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself and others, "It's not fair that others can be there and doing the things that I want to do when I can't."  Somewhere I have come up with this belief and idea that life is supposed to be fair when it obviously is not.  And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have unreal expectations of what life is and trying to force life into these ideas instead of realizing I can't control life, letting go of this belief that life is supposed to be fair, and being in/with/as life without preconceived notions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have driven myself from starting points of greed and self-interest - so, when I say, "If I don't this, someone else will get to experience it and I won't," it has meant that I have not wanted to share and that I have not wanted others to have what I want for myself.  Why would I continue to allow myself to exist in this way when, looking at the world,  I see the consequences of living/being/thinking in this way?

I commit myself to stop going into reacting when and as points come up that are not aligning with my ideas and beliefs of the way 'things should be' and/or 'my way' as I have worked them out to be in my mind.  When and as the beliefs and ideas come up, I stop, breath, and question the ideas and beliefs by asking myself, "Where is this coming from?  How am I living out this point? How is this benefiting me? What are the consequences? What can I do to physically change this point?"

Within this, I commit myself to stop going into my imaginations from a point of self-interest with the intent of seeing how things could play out in a positive way for me by when and as I see there is an opportunity for me to do or experience something, I stop, breath, and do not allow myself to go into anticipation, excitement, or any other positive feelings or any of the images that may be coming up in my mind.  I remain clear and stable - observing what's coming up and self-forgiving if possible or necessary - and direct myself from here.

I commit myself to stop the pattern of going into want and desire in regards to what others are doing and experiencing by when and as I see myself going into imagining what it would be like for me in their situation, I stop, breath, and bring my attention and focus back to myself, where I am, what I am doing, and what I'm already working on for goals and fun activities.

I commit myself to stop the fear of becoming old and within this, the fear of existing in regret by reminding myself that I will truly be fortunate if I am able to become old and of all the things that I've done, the regrets that I have had are a result of me being in my mind in separation rather than being here in the moment - letting go, taking it in, giving back, and allowing myself to enjoy myself, others and whatever is going on if anything at all.

I commit myself to stopping my mind and physical patterns of attempting to be someone else or attempt to live out their life and instead focus on living my own - I commit myself to my own adventure into the unknown.

I commit myself to giving myself what I have been looking for experiences and other people to give to me by when and as I see myself looking to an external source for me to have a desired experience, I stop and breath.  I bring the point back to myself, investigate it, and see if I can come up with ways of giving it to myself! I will make a game of it and create some fun for myself.

I commit myself to stopping my mind and physical patterns of forcing myself as my ideas, beliefs, and the way I think 'things should be' onto external reality by when and as the fear comes up as indicated by the tightness in my solar plexus and the urge to 'speak my mind', I stop, breath, and allow myself to let it go.  I mean, life as it exists isn't fair - and it will never be fair until it's fair for everyone equally.

I commit myself to stop my mind and physical patterns of greed and self-interest by changing my ways - I will give as I have been given or as I would like for myself, I will take the time to consider others and where they are coming from and I will support where I am able and always work on creative ways of expressing this support.