Friday, September 16, 2016

Day 229: Moving On From What Happened

Moving on from what happened in my relationship is something that I have had the most difficulty with.  There has been this constant, pervasive fear that it will happen again and this belief that I have to be vigilant - like, I will fuck myself if I miss any one detail.  This one event in my relationship and in my life has triggered so many fears and completely changed how I see myself and my fellow human beings.  Trust has become non-existent in my life, my relationships with others and my relationship with myself.

The fears have actually become annoying and frustrating.  I have written them out, done the self-forgiveness, committed myself to change and still, they are here with me.  Along the way, I had this realization that I need to handle my mind fears in the same way that I do the other points that I have been changing in my life: when the fear comes up, don't go into it, and keep repeating this until I get myself out of the habit of going into the thoughts, reactions, and what-if fears.  Being the one to direct and decide for myself how I would handle these things as they came up has been supportive, however, the reactions, the thoughts, and the what-if fears still come.

Looking back, I see that part of the problem is that I have given in during times when I have not been strong and that this vigilance, consistency, and persaviness has been mis-directed externally instead of being vigilant and consistent with pervasive commitment with myself.

Another point is that I have been existing in a belief and physical experience of being stuck as as though I have no choice but to have to go through this and see it to the end.  This belief has brought me to the points of having very little enjoyment in my daily life and perceiving that I am obligated to and/or responsible for others as I have not been considering myself, taking time for myself, and have usually been putting others needs, wants, and desires ahead of my own.  From this emerged something interesting that a friend of mine noticed --  I have been using my assumption of responsbility for others as a way to not face what is really here with me.

Even more interesting is when my friend suggest that I let go and allow others the space to grow - she pointed out that, with my relationship specifically, that we have been holding each other back, that we have become dependent on each other, and have been very miserable as a result of this ... my mind immediately went into imagining a break-up scenerio - I had the experience of panic, worry, fear, what-ifs, sadness, and lonliness.  And I realized just how emotionally attached I am to another - that I have not been seeing things in this relationship clearly as they have become clouded with all of these fears, worries, and anxieties that I have avoided looking at.

So, what to do from here?

I have been working on relationship points for what seems all of my life - it has become clearer and clearer that it's my catalyst in assisting and supporting myself to get to the core of me. No matter how much I have resisted relationships, my mind continues to persist.  I could attempt to separate myself from intimate relationships completely but who I am, either in a relationship or not in a relationship, will still be here with me.  The problems are usually not with relationships or others - the issues have been mostly my emotionally veiled sense of perception.

My plan for myself is to let go.  I commit myself to let go of my fears, worries, anxieties and what-ifs by breathing, stopping myself from suppressing or distracting myself from them with the habit I have formed of putting others first and/or assuming responsibility for others.

I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to let go of my fears by making a list of what's coming up - even the little fears throughout the day - as I look at my relationships - and from this list, look where else the fears exist in my life outside of the relationship and ask myself questions: What can I learn about myself from this? Where did this come from? What can I do about this? How can I direct this situation?

As I walk this plan for myself, I commit myself to stop allowing emotions to veil what I'm looking at and how I'm looking at it by breathing, reminding myself that I can't look at anything constructively while reacting - that, if I move myself into the emotions that this will trigger the what-ifs which place me back into looping through the pattern.

I commit myself to assist and support myself with stopping myself from going into the temptation of emotions by identifying the emotions and forgiving the emotions.