tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44014448680983610972024-03-12T21:05:52.534-07:00Care's Journey To LifeCarriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.comBlogger238125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-33205300260389018562021-01-25T18:16:00.004-08:002021-01-25T18:28:02.784-08:00Day 237 - The Soul Mate Experience<p>I have been been one of the fortunate (or unfortunate haha) ones to have had a Soul Mate Experience in my life time. It's awesome but it's not awesome at the same time which here can be seen the amount of energy that's generated from such an experience.</p><p>Let's be honest.</p><p>We go through our lives searching, wanting, needing and desiring 'The One'. Not realizing nor questioning that there are lots of 'One's'. I will expand on this. But first, to the beginning of when I met my 'Soul Mate'.</p><p>He caught my attention. There was something about him. The way he looked and the way he carried himself with a level of confidence that had not developed for myself at the time. Who is this?? I mean, in a sea of fish, of potential, he stood out like this beacon that had me completely intrigued. </p><p>The more I got to know him, the more I became fascinated with him. To put it into perspective, he could simply be walking towards me with this physical presence that he had and I would experience this weakness ... this 'shut off' where my mind would become completely silent and all that I would see is him. I had a busy mind and for everything to go completely silent and to experience a drop with myself, a grounding plus an intense physical attraction, I knew something was going that I hadn't ever experienced before.</p><p>We became friends. And the more I got to know him the more I saw that what he stood for and what was important to him were exactly what I had wanted for myself. At the time, I had this idea that people were not meant to be monogamous - we did not have integrity, there was no such thing as commitment, and Forever was a pipe dream - why bother? At the time, he stood as the point of integrity, commitment and forever in his words, the way he was expressing himself and the thoughts he was sharing with me about the situations in his life. I began to question my ideas. Is it really possible to be with just The One? Combine a strong personality - seriously, no fucks given, this is who he was, with a physical attraction. I was done. </p><p>FYA, I see it: Physical attraction, physical attraction, physical attraction.</p><p>He was the most physically attractive person on this planet to me in every way from his genetic composition to the way he carried and expressed himself - seriously, I was gone. I have since learned how to not be moved by physical appearance but ... I cannot say that if I went back with my awareness now that I would have changed things in any way. When it hits you, it hits you hard right? And the rainbows and butterflies cloud our entire perceptions. He coined this by way and often reminds me to not go into 'rainbows and butterflies' .. it's his. Grateful, keeps me grounded.</p><p>I would also like to add a few things about the Soul Mate experience that I had. First, I literally saw stars - it was this bubble that we were in back then where everything stopped and the Universe said YES - it was beautiful and intense to see reality bending, shaping, glowing and sparkling when we connected and we touched. Second, he would talk to me when we were miles a part - I could hear him in myself - just like we were standing face-to-face. And third, we had our own language based on other dialects that we had fleshed out to have a specific meaning - usually with humor and affection. </p><p>We were together for 17 years. We lived through a lot together. We raised my daughter and we birthed another one together.</p><p>So the question, for me, at this point, is where is my standing on it? How have a grown from this? What have a realized? How do I move myself differently now?</p><p>My standing on it is that people come and go from our lives - some longer, some shorter based on what's needed, self-honestly for us to develop and grow in a way a way that we know that we need to that we wouldn't have otherwise been able to do on our own. </p><p>In terms of growth, I have learned the difference between 'ideas' of what a partnership is - we're constantly bombarded with this shit of the way we're supposed to be. It's everywhere from TV series, news articles, religion, education and all of the other external influences that tell us 'this is how to have a satisfying life' (or it was back then -- I have been seeing things changing over the past few years). Where what's not considered within this is being aware of what we actually need/want - what's important and what makes us truly satisfied. </p><p>My growth is my self-honesty: this is what I really need in a partner - when I was younger, it was harder to discern. For you young ones, I tooooootallly get it. Haha.</p><p>I have realized - Real Eyes'd - that what I am seeing and/or experiencing doesn't have to move me. To make decisions on what I will allow to move me or what I will move myself within. I take most things into me slow - observe myself, my reactions/responses like an outsider, someone looking in from in a distance and ask myself questions - what's going on here? What is this? Does this work for me? Am I in rainbows and butterflies? Can I grow from this? How does everyone benefit from this? Will I become stronger?</p><p><br /></p>Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-21316430125144362692021-01-01T21:47:00.000-08:002021-01-01T21:47:01.093-08:00Day 236: Looking In the Mirror<p>So. You're a good looking person. "Nice to the eyes", and all. You've got charisma in spades and the world is yours for the taking. What do you do?</p><p>You look in the mirror.</p><p>I look in the mirror.</p><p>And ask, "Am I okay with me?"</p><p>Despite whatever hypnotic state I have been with myself based on my physical features, the external feedback that supports my self-hypnosis and my ego conquests I may have attainted. </p><p>Really. That is the question. Can I live with myself? </p><p>For me, the mirror has become dual purpose - one for having fun with how I look everyday and second, doing a self-check. The most important is my self-check - am I okay with me?</p><p>There have been SOOOO many times where I just shake my head in disbelief at what I have done and moved through the consequences of these decisions to the best of my ability. OMG, the stories I could tell (but I likely won't).</p><p>All the while, though, I have my self-honesty and been in a constant state of adjustment. Learning to listen to myself and respond, to the best of my ability at the time.</p><p>What it comes down to ... every day. Is the question: Am I satisfied with myself? Have I lived today with no regrets? If not, how can I make it so I have no regrets tomorrow? Did I make the best of my time here? If not, what is it that I can do the next time?</p><p>It's an intimate process.</p>Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-4388323913896217582021-01-01T19:44:00.003-08:002021-01-01T20:19:01.773-08:00Day 235: Confidence<p> Confidence. CONfindence.</p><p>This is a word that continually comes up in my life. This blog is about getting this out of the way.</p><p>Yes, it has a positive charge. I mean, who doesn't want to express of Confidence?</p><p>Lemme tell you though. It was a process to get here.</p><p>It started with a massive insecurity - I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm scared, that person is this and I'm this (comparison), and that constant voice in the back of the mind that instills self-doubt. You know the voice...</p><p>And then there's that moment of realization. Holy fuck. This is all coming from me. This is not external at all... and in that moment, everything changes. You become a God. And everything and everyone here is a part of your playground.</p><p>I Own This.</p><p>For me, specifically, comes a curiosity within in it. Because when I let go of myself, my mind, my self-doubts, I have become intensely curious about others. Who are you? What do you do? What do you need? What do you want? How do you see things? Talk to me...</p><p>Here's the con in Confidence.</p><p>Who/what I am doesn't matter. It's gone (to a certain extent). It's all about everything outside of myself. It's I Am Here. How many people can you count on your hand that are here? Hearing you?</p><p>So, yah, it's a small part to stand in but it's mine.</p><p>Not giving a fuck in terms of realizing that thoughts are just thoughts but giving a fuck at the same time within realizing that every one and everything is a part of me that I want to know.</p><p>And every one person that I have come to hear and take the time to get to know is a part of me.</p><p>You want to be Confident? Don't give a fuck about yourself. Thought are just thoughts. Be present. FILL YOUR BODY with you and take it all in, be curious, and give a fuck about others. </p><p>Ask yourself questions.</p><p>Which leads me into the next. </p><p>When you look into the mirror are you satisfied with you?</p>Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-44109874014968649822020-12-14T17:35:00.004-08:002020-12-14T19:08:35.708-08:00Day 234 - COVID-19 Vaccine <p>Ahhh. The Covid-19 Vaccine. </p><p>I love conspiracy theories. LOVE them. Sooo much fun, entertaining and oh so engaging. I just love chasing those white bunnies down the hole. It stimulates my mind, keeps me distracted and the most fascinating point of all: it keeps me separated from others within the mind-set that there is someone else out there somewhere that CONTROLS ME, makes decisions for me and boy-oh-boy do they have EVIL INTENTIONS. Hahaha.</p><p>So bear with me here. I realized a long time ago that the 'powers that be' are not separate from me in any way. We're all playing out our minds in the same exact way - for me, specifically, that addiction to control. And if we're talking about evil.. damn, the shit that has gone through my mind .. evil -- here, insert the blinking eyes and shaking the head at disbelief of what I have become capable of. A real face-rubber.</p><p>We've got to be self-honest here.. if it happened to me having the 'luck' to be born in a 'certain position' would I not be any different? Self-honestly, not likely. Even if I had a 'morality system', even if I had been 'raised differently' even if for whatever reason I thought I could make a difference, we're still working with the system here people. We didn't create it and because of this it's hard to understand sometimes and within this, difficult to come to terms with ... seriously makes no sense. But. We go along with it. That fear of being tossed out of the pack runs real deep.</p><p>Back to The Covid-19 Vaccine. Here in Maine USA, the governor has said that the front-line health care workers are getting it first. Poor fuckers. You're the test-cases. You're the monkeys. I feel for you. But. How long have we been testing this shit on animals without giving a fuck? Reasoning, it's best for humanity? Interesting how Karma, for real, works out. You can hate me for saying it - not the first time ... that's the times we're living in where life is at the wheel. It's actually reeeeally fascinating how life has pretty much bypassed other beings taking our consequence and we're actually going to have to step up.</p><p>So let's talk conspiracy theories. Here we go. Here's the fun part:</p><p>"OMG, they're going to chip me -- it's happening!" Haha. Sorry. We're already chipped. I just find this one so funny because of our cellphones that know everything that we're doing, hearing everything, and literally tracking every where we have ever been. Google wants us to rate our experience, right?</p><p>"OMG they're poisoning us?!?" What. Really? I can personally attest the crap I have put into my body .. all in fun right? My decision.. I did it and still do. Partying, processed food, and bleaching my big white down-alternative comforter. Not to mention the vaccinations we've already had before we were ever even aware that vaccines may not be the best for us and our bodies. So what makes it different when someone else is deciding for us? Do this or be kicked out of the pack? That's where we're going. What are you actually going to decide when it comes down to it?</p><p>"OMG, it's going to change my DNA!" Again. Really. Is our DNA that fucking precious, that golden, that sweet spot in reality? Look at what we have done here. Are we really 'all that'? You know we're not. I'm not going to take the next 15 minutes to articulate this because we already know we're assholes. Let's be self-honest: we're afraid of change, afraid of death, afraid of what we don't know.</p><p>So this is what I'm seeing.</p><p>Let's lean back and see how this goes for the front-line people. Let's support them in anyway that we can. Let's Facebook stalk them and give them hugs and comfort whenever we are given the opportunity to do so. Gratefulness for taking this on. We're all on the unknown here. In my life I do not remember a time like we're living now (I'm humping up on 50 years). Let's embrace this within the realization that we're all each other has - no 'things' or belief is going to save us. </p><p>Myself, I'm just in complete curiosity at this timeline. Where does it go from here? How can we make the best of what we have been given? What are we going to create? How are things going to change?</p><p>[EDIT] For those who have taken the time to read. I have become Agreeable. Meaning: I have in the past taken the stance of 'I'm right'. I have seen sooooo many times that I'm not 'right'. So, I'm curious. How do you see it?</p>Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-38777145333555619652020-12-13T20:53:00.002-08:002020-12-13T21:12:05.355-08:00Day 233 - Say Fuck It<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3E7NYd-WI_Y/X9bz_vbZCmI/AAAAAAAABMI/51YvdhqL5dU9Jb7YlRGczaD8kZZ0VibXQCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/20201214_000328%2B%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3E7NYd-WI_Y/X9bz_vbZCmI/AAAAAAAABMI/51YvdhqL5dU9Jb7YlRGczaD8kZZ0VibXQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/20201214_000328%2B%25281%2529.jpg" /></a></div><p>Okay. I have been seeing this blog as a job - as something I must do. Yet, at the same time, through out my days that I have NOT been writing, I see these really interesting points come up that I'd like to share. But there's always this point of 'I must direct this in a certain way to show how I'm practically living' or 'this is who I am as a result of me living within certain principles'. </p><p>I get my responsibility within the process of 'who I am within what I'm doing' but fuck. Where does the 'I have to be a certain thing or a certain way' stop? Seriously, I'm in the unknown here and sorting things out as I go. I wasn't given an Instruction Manual. What I have to work with is what I got - what's here. And Self-Forgiveness, correcting my mistakes, and redefining my life, my words as I go. </p><p>I realize this is all self-imposed. There's really nothing outside of me that's forcing me to do anything. All me. Really interesting to me how I process and respond to what I have been seeing and hearing externally.</p><p>Questioning myself has become me as 'bringing it back to self'. As much as I would like to 'stop it', as much as I would love living life in 'ignorance is bliss' (holy fuck that would be great right?) that's not going to happen - aware of myself in everything here.</p><p>So how I have made the best of it? I have fun. I do. From cuddling with a four-year old little human to drinking a glass of wine and letting it all spill out to physically expressing myself with nothing and all of me while I listen to music (this kitchen is for dancing) ... I do it. I've got this one life and I'm so very grateful for mine -- this world sucks and at the same time it's awesome. Giving it to you straight.</p><p>Oh. And not giving a fuck 85-90% of the time. And by not 'giving a fuck', I mean not giving a fuck about what others think of me from the realization that what others think of me is only thoughts and what -I- think of me is me. So, what comes up in any given moment is me. Makes things a lot easier to not 'give a fuck' in an external way in the life that I have. </p><p>There are some that I do give a fuck about in a very practical way -- my co-workers, the children, and my partner, because I am a part of the whole. As far as thoughts though.. not my gig. And I see the consequence of us having thoughts/fears/judgments of each other and the consequences of this which suck and I can't say 'no thanks' because then it would be me separating me from everyone.. also not my gig. So here we are.. </p><p>What to do with this blog...</p><p>Say fuck it. Going to make this Fun and see what happens.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-36382363804264025502020-03-21T09:25:00.001-07:002020-03-21T09:25:25.525-07:00Day 232: Free Choice<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<i>"I forgive myself that I failed to see that free choice in fact are the test of my character to see what I will choose and whether I will use the excuse of giving others the responsibility to forgive me and in this way remain in my self interest as I am through my own allowances not responsible or able to forgive myself and stop what I participate in to redirect myself to that which would be best for all life."</i> <a href="http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/04/day-1-self-forgiveness.html">Creations Journey To Life - Day 1: Self-Forgiveness</a><br />
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Okay, so here sharing where I am at within myself, and my mind in relation to my lack of participation in the blogging and the sharing responsibility part of my process. I have made commitments to myself to share myself and my process in my blog, specifically, and have not lived up to those commitments. Why? Free choice.<br />
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A large part of my day is me working. I work from home online and am grateful for this - I usually don't have to do the rushing balancing act that most parents have to do, I am available to my family and friends for whatever they need and when they need it, and I get to work in my yoga pants. <br />
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It's great though it is a double-edged sword. It's not something that I see as an 'easy' job nor a job that I usually experience a satisfaction of my passions within it. And it's usually busy. <br />
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At the end of the day I often have the experience of being burned-out and mentally melted. From here, I make dinner for the kids, clean up, read, study, write, maybe watch some TV, see what everyone is up to on Facebook on my phone and chat with friends for a bit before bed. <br />
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The last thing I want to be doing when I am not working is doing anything on my computer. I realize that I have come to connect my computer and doing things on my computer (like blogging) to the negative, often times stressful experiences that I have had at work.<br />
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I also see and am aware of how I have created a relationship of 'this is something <a href="http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/04/day-4-i-have-to-do-this.html">I have to do</a>' - more work, more responsibility. Self-honestly, I know that I have dropped the ball here and have been going into things that I find more enjoyable and fun. Justifying my decisions by exercising my power of 'free choice'. And even further, having have the ability to justify or explain my choice as a Destonian walking my process: But ... but, I have redefined FUN and ENJOYMENT and that's what I'm working on living right now ...<br />
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I know what I've been doing, not doing and why. And it has come to the time where I'm currently standing at the 'y' in the road - do I do this or not? Will I be okay with myself if I don't?<br />
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No, I will not be okay with myself if I don't and a really don't want to live with the regret of not doing something that I could have done because I chose to go into self-interest or what 'felt better' instead.<br />
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Looking back at where I started and where I have come to be now - one thing I have become for sure is standing as point of Change. Every day has been a process of facing the things that are uncomfortable for me and forging forward - observing, writing, understanding, self-forgiving, testing, living a 'different way', sharing and supporting with how to change in real-time, here, in what I consider to be the 'real world' in 'real moments' and with 'real people' that I come in 'real physical contact' with.<br />
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Desteni is the why and how I have become who and what I am now. Not even close to being who I was 8-9 years ago when I started walking with this group of people.<br />
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I know that most of us, including myself, use these blogs for understanding and support, to break out of perceptions and patterns, to become better and to live or start living our potential. It's time for me to step up, do the same, and give what I have been given.<br />
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Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-46790288964926697032019-11-22T08:16:00.000-08:002019-11-22T08:16:11.835-08:00Day 231: Secrecy, Hiding and Redefining My Blog<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It has been almost 3 years since my last sharing of my self in a blog. Within that 3-year time, I have separated from a relationship, reconciled, separated again, started a 'new' relationship, divorced, and then recently broken off the 'new' relationship. I bring up the relationship points first as those are the one's that I have found have had the most profound impact on my process of self-awareness and my relationship with myself. I have died a few times ... I have lost or let go of parts of myself that have been creating delusion and illusion. It has been a painful process of releasing my self-definitions, the personalities that I had created while in the relationships, and adjusting to the quiet and empty spaces that were once occupied by someone else that is no longer with me.<br />
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An in-common point that has continued to come up in my relationships has been betrayal of trust, secrecy, hiding, and keeping things personal. When bringing this back to myself, I saw how I had been doing the exact same thing - keeping my process personal, not wanting to share the details of my life, having the idea that I shouldn't have to and that it's my life, my business. And there were the fears that came up as well ... the fear of judgement and how I had been allowing the perceptions, opinions, and ideas about me to hold myself back from communicating myself, my life and my decisions. Within this as well, my own judgments of others, my perceptions, my opinions, my energetic reactions, my backchat, my justifications, and how I change the way I move myself when deciding to separate myself from others.<br />
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To put things into perspective, I have several years of notebooks that contain my writing, my research of self-understanding, my self-forgiveness, my self-correction, and my redefining. Over the past 3 years specifically, I have reasoned to myself that my hand-writing in my notebooks has been a more intimate process with my self-communication ... keeping it personal with myself and only sharing from time-to-time when the opportunities to share or support come up. It has also been convenient for me - I keep a notebook with me to jot down points and to write in before I go to bed at night. It is has been my 'comfort zone' - I come from a generation in the education system where most everything was done in hand-writing and final drafts were submitted in type. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uIC2RNp6XN4/XdgIjopJB7I/AAAAAAAABF4/AvoKA5-18TUAAEwUfaaZR1KSgqT0ElYWgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Process%2BNotebooks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uIC2RNp6XN4/XdgIjopJB7I/AAAAAAAABF4/AvoKA5-18TUAAEwUfaaZR1KSgqT0ElYWgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Process%2BNotebooks.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Years of notebooks full of my personal process of self-awareness and self-perfecting</td></tr>
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When exploring the common point of secrecy, hiding, and keeping things personal or 'none of other's business' that continues to come up in my relationships, what immediately came up for me is that I haven't been sharing myself, my writing, my realizations, my process, and the details of my life in blog or with most everyone, really. I have mostly been communicating with myself, whomever I am in a relationship with, or a select few people in my circle of family of friends - and even then I have only been sharing bits and pieces. It became clear that sharing myself intimately, here, in my blog, is one way for me to step out of the secrets, hiding, and keeping this personal that continues to come up. Be the change that I want to see.<br />
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From here, I commit myself to sharing myself here on my blog with others. I commit myself to sharing myself openly, genuinely, intimately, and to work on / work through the points of judgment that come up rather than allowing them to hold me back from communicating.<br />
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My Blog = B - Log, Be Log.<br />
My Be Log = A place to share and LOG/document MY self, my writing, MY self-forgiveness, MY realizations, MY life, MY problems and MY solutions that I walk/work-on/move-through as me BEing here. <br />
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Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-15363087605493573122017-02-14T19:19:00.000-08:002017-02-14T19:19:17.365-08:00Day 230: Rock Bottom<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I have recently had the experience of hitting Rock Bottom. For me, it was a place of having lost everything - my relationships, a business I have been building, my integrity, and parts of myself as who I had been working on creating myself to be. There have been many times in my life where I have gotten to where I wanted to give up or not seeing the point of continuing to live but this Rock Bottom place, for me, was different in that what I had been hiding about myself and what I had created and manifested over months accumulated to the point of where I had no way out - the consequence of what I had created was inescapable. <br />
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Being at Rock Bottom is a milestone in my life that I will likely never forget - I never want to be in this place again. However, what I was seeing in the few weeks since being a Rock Bottom is how I have still been in it in a way - where, even though I have been writing, self-reflecting, and getting a massive amount of support, I have been seeing the behaviors, thoughts, and reactions that I haven't been wanting to give up - the very same behaviors, thoughts, and reactions that I have allowed to create and manifest my Rock Bottom which shows me that if I continue to make decisions that compromise my self-integrity and self-awareness that I will likely re-create and manifest this experience again.<br />
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Interesting, though, I have found that the temptation is there - to recreate the patterns that I know will lead me back to Rock Bottom, despite my seeing that I never ever want to go back there again. For me, the temptation is blame and my reasons or justifications for how others are responsible for me making the decisions I have made, easily recalling memories and other evidence that makes it look like others are against me, that I'm in the right, and that I can do/think/say the things that I do because others are in the wrong. Essentially, with blame, I give myself permission to be any version of myself - whether it's the best version of me or the worst.<br />
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Within the awareness that the cure for blame is to 'bring it back to self', self-honesty, and self-responsibility, it has become clear that the solution for not ever going back to Rock Bottom is the same: slowing myself down and looking at the nature of my thoughts, my inner dialogue, the conspiring, assumptions, ideas and my reasons for allowing these things to exist within me. I realize that my reasons, along with my reactions, must go and that when I have reasons come up or in anyway start arguing something in my mind - that this is a problem for me to take responsibility for and in that moment, instead of going into it, to stop, redirect it back to myself and look at it self-honestly and how it is in-fact me communicating with me about me.<br />
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Back to basics.<br />
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An unfortunate consequences of getting lost is being in that very strange place of being aware but at the same time, having given up my depth and my ability to process what I am seeing and hearing in one moment. Now, I understand what it means to not have access to life - before I had seen life as something external, something separate from me, something greater than me, and something profound. Not the case at all. I only have access to what I create - a few weeks ago, I had access to Rock Bottom and at this moment, cleaning up from the 'fall' and getting back on track.</div>
Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-16068791286710080912016-09-16T07:14:00.001-07:002016-09-16T07:14:15.828-07:00Day 229: Moving On From What Happened<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Moving on from what happened in my relationship is something that I have had the most difficulty with. There has been this constant, pervasive fear that it will happen again and this belief that I have to be vigilant - like, I will fuck myself if I miss any one detail. This one event in my relationship and in my life has triggered so many fears and completely changed how I see myself and my fellow human beings. Trust has become non-existent in my life, my relationships with others and my relationship with myself.<br />
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The fears have actually become annoying and frustrating. I have written them out, done the self-forgiveness, committed myself to change and still, they are here with me. Along the way, I had this realization that I need to handle my mind fears in the same way that I do the other points that I have been changing in my life: when the fear comes up, don't go into it, and keep repeating this until I get myself out of the habit of going into the thoughts, reactions, and what-if fears. Being the one to direct and decide for myself how I would handle these things as they came up has been supportive, however, the reactions, the thoughts, and the what-if fears still come.<br />
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Looking back, I see that part of the problem is that I have given in during times when I have not been strong and that this vigilance, consistency, and persaviness has been mis-directed externally instead of being vigilant and consistent with pervasive commitment with myself.<br />
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Another point is that I have been existing in a belief and physical experience of being stuck as as though I have no choice but to have to go through this and see it to the end. This belief has brought me to the points of having very little enjoyment in my daily life and perceiving that I am obligated to and/or responsible for others as I have not been considering myself, taking time for myself, and have usually been putting others needs, wants, and desires ahead of my own. From this emerged something interesting that a friend of mine noticed -- I have been using my assumption of responsbility for others as a way to not face what is really here with me.<br />
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Even more interesting is when my friend suggest that I let go and allow others the space to grow - she pointed out that, with my relationship specifically, that we have been holding each other back, that we have become dependent on each other, and have been very miserable as a result of this ... my mind immediately went into imagining a break-up scenerio - I had the experience of panic, worry, fear, what-ifs, sadness, and lonliness. And I realized just how emotionally attached I am to another - that I have not been seeing things in this relationship clearly as they have become clouded with all of these fears, worries, and anxieties that I have avoided looking at.<br />
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So, what to do from here?<br />
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I have been working on relationship points for what seems all of my life - it has become clearer and clearer that it's my catalyst in assisting and supporting myself to get to the core of me. No matter how much I have resisted relationships, my mind continues to persist. I could attempt to separate myself from intimate relationships completely but who I am, either in a relationship or not in a relationship, will still be here with me. The problems are usually not with relationships or others - the issues have been mostly my emotionally veiled sense of perception.<br />
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My plan for myself is to let go. I commit myself to let go of my fears, worries, anxieties and what-ifs by breathing, stopping myself from suppressing or distracting myself from them with the habit I have formed of putting others first and/or assuming responsibility for others. <br />
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I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to let go of my fears by making a list of what's coming up - even the little fears throughout the day - as I look at my relationships - and from this list, look where else the fears exist in my life outside of the relationship and ask myself questions: What can I learn about myself from this? Where did this come from? What can I do about this? How can I direct this situation?<br />
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As I walk this plan for myself, I commit myself to stop allowing emotions to veil what I'm looking at and how I'm looking at it by breathing, reminding myself that I can't look at anything constructively while reacting - that, if I move myself into the emotions that this will trigger the what-ifs which place me back into looping through the pattern. <br />
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I commit myself to assist and support myself with stopping myself from going into the temptation of emotions by identifying the emotions and forgiving the emotions.</div>
Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-67998230007034567112016-03-24T07:05:00.000-07:002016-04-07T01:44:40.423-07:00Day 228: Damsel In Distress - Back To Self<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand as a point of comfort, security, consistency and strength for myself and others.<br>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when/as getting to know others and forming a perception of who/what they are or have become, judge and then reject them and within this, not stand as an unconditional point of comfort, security, consistency and strength.<br>
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my outer actions are a mirror reflection of my inner actions - and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when/as getting to know myself and forming perceptions about who/what I have become, to then judge and reject myself and from this starting point, to self-sabotage my ability to be comfortable with myself, secure, consistent, and strong.<br>
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I reject others and myself when seeing how our minds work and how we respond to/act out our mind patterns.<br>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cross my arms, turn my back, walk away, and to not come back when I see what's going on with others and the decisions they have made that I judge and disapprove of. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this behavior onto others - as if it's something they will do to me - fearing my own behavior and that others will do to me what I have done to them. Instead of standing in another's shoes and seeing how it can effect others as it has myself, understanding, and seeing where I can support, I have attempted to separate myself from it all.<br>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into being overwhelmed and self-pity when and as I have seen things about myself that look to big or too extensive for me to sort out and within this, telling myself that I have been defeated, broken, and that I am alone and becoming sad.<br>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I find myself becoming sad and having other negative emotional reactions to what's going on within and outside of me that seems to big or overwhelming, distract myself by focusing on activities from which I can get a positive energetic high - meanwhile, the issues do not get resolved or sorted and continue to accumulate.<br>
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Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to coerce others to do the same - to focus on the positive or what feels good in the face of the negative or what looks/feels shitty. And so, not supporting others to focus on sorting out the issue(s).<br>
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave others, to never come come back, to hate, to stop caring, and to stop supporting as a quick fix for myself to not have to deal with the fears, judgments, thoughts, and insecurities that come up as I walk with others.<br>
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand and be cool with myself and others.<br>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a panic when/as things come up in my mind about the decisions I have made. And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to utilize panic and anxiety to assist me to see that I have been or likely will be repeating the same mind/behavior pattern again if I do not change - continuing on with doing/thinking things that aren't supportive and accumulating the turmoil as a result of the self-conflict.</div>
Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-46693536150392942132016-02-18T10:36:00.000-08:002016-02-18T10:36:29.192-08:00Day 227: Damsel In Distress<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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So, an interesting thing I noticed about myself a couple of weeks ago is how I have been going into an 'I Need You' Personality after I have participated in certain mind and behavior patterns that I don't particularly like about myself or when looking back on a decision or action that I have made that I have believed is wrong. <br />
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The things that I have seen about myself that I don't like and my behaviors that I see as wrong have triggered my fear of loss where in my mind I have imagined that if anyone finds out these things about me than I will lose the <a href="http://desteniiprocess.com/courses/relationships">relationships</a> and what I am getting out of the relationship like comfort, security, stability, commitment, affection, and care. <br />
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When faced with the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/is-love-fear-of-loss-atlanteans-support-part-75">fear of loss</a>, it has been an 'oh shit ... how do I fix this or keep myself from losing these things?' moment and from there, I have automatically focused on how I can manipulate relationships in my favor. In this case, my solution was to cast myself into the Damsel In Distress Role as the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/insecurity-quantum-levels-atlanteans-part-253">insecure</a>, unstable, emotionally delicate, small and vulnerable female that says, "I'm not okay, I'm so small, I'm weak, I <span id="goog_998812391"></span>NEED<span id="goog_998812392"></span> YOU - to protect me, to hold me, to make everything okay for me ..."<br />
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Once I saw what I was doing - how I was manipulating others so that I could be comforted physically, emotionally and mentally instead of standing, facing myself, and taking responsibility for myself and changing what I was seeing, I stopped myself. I realized that I had been abdicating myself, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-the-internal-battle-with-pleasing-others">compromising others</a>, and that this 'need' I had been demanding be satiated by an external source, distracted others from being able to focus on themselves and their own process.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need others for comfort, security, stability, consistency, and strength.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if others knew me for who I really am and have become, that I would be <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/rejection-in-love-life-review">rejected</a> and within that, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-my-life-of-losing-relationships">lose</a> my sources of comfort, security, stability, consistency, and strength.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to develop comfort, security, stability, consistency, and strength for/as myself. Instead, placing myself in need/want/<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/a-chat-with-desire">desire</a> to get these things from an external source.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself being rejected if anyone were to see my how my <a href="https://eqafe.com/series/21-quantum-mind-self-awareness">mind</a> works and how I have been responding to/acting out my mind patterns.<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play out in my mind how others will cross their arms, turn their back on me, walk away, and never come back if they were to see what goes on in my mind and the decisions/mistakes I have made.<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to show myself the result of others finding out about me: me, defeated, alone, sad, and broken - and being a physical expression of those <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/self-awareness-steps-for-the-elite-introduction-part-1">emotions</a>.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had a conversation with myself about what's going to happen if/when/as others see the mistakes I have made with my decisions. I say to myself, "They are going to leave me. They are never going to come back. They are going to hate me. I'm never going to get things from them anymore. I will be <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/being-alone-fears-phobias">alone</a> ... Oh shit. How do I fix this so they never know or question me? I have to distract them."<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself, "They are not able to understand," and/or, "They will never be able to understand me and be okay with me."<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/panic-attacks-living-in-fear-atlanteans-part-292">Panic</a> with/as I have internal conversations about myself about what's going to happen to me if/when/as others become aware of who/what I have become and the decisions that I have made while living out/acting on my mind-patterns.<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing what I am getting from others for comfort, security, stability, strength, consistency, holding me, and pulling me back up on my feet when I have <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-fallen-reptilians-part-472">fallen</a>.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out the Damsel In Distress with the sound signature of "I Need You" and making myself appear to be distressed, vulnerable, and physically smaller by folding myself into on myself while communicating worry, fear, and anxiety with my eyes.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as the Damsel In Distress that is in need, have manipulated myself and others, abdicated myself, held myself and others back from moving forward in our processes, and to have created this false-self/false-reality - all from my self-interest and benefit only.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for consequences that I have created for myself and others by hiding behind the Damsel In Distress That Needs You personality/character. And within this, not seeing, realizing, and understanding that it's simply something that I didn't allow myself to see in awareness until that moment and in that moment, how I had made the decision to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/180-degree-change-quantum-systemization-part-113">change</a> and not go into it.<br />
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To be continued...<br />
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Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-2624783131746645902016-02-03T18:44:00.000-08:002016-02-03T18:45:25.716-08:00Day 226: Regret (and other emotions) Supports Me To Change<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I commit myself to when and as I see something is not working, to do something about it.<br />
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I commit myself to stop making threats - to stop threatening to change things - and to instead move myself to change.<br />
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I commit myself to stop myself from prolonging situations that aren't improving nor aligning with the way that is best for me to be living with by when and as I become aware that things aren't working nor in alignment with what's best, I will no longer attempt to reason, justify, explain away, or ignore it. I will instead sit down with myself, clear myself of reactions, decide on an action that is best, and then move on the decided change.<br />
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I commit myself to be my own change and to no longer to anticipate, hope, or expect others to be that change for me.<br />
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I commit myself to no longer allow myself to become stuck in misery or being miserable by when and as I become miserable, I remind myself to use being miserable as a point of support to change - that the misery is not an acceptable long-term solution and within/as being miserable, I direct myself to explore solutions for myself that I can be satisfied with.<br />
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I commit myself to stop going into 'self-sacrifice' as have become aware that this personality and other similar to it, is a farce and an attempt to be something that hides something else about me that I have not wanted to face and change.<br />
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I commit myself to stop holding onto memories and times when things are 'okay' or 'good' by reminding myself that if things were actually 'good' or 'okay', they would always that way and would not go to the opposite polarity of being shit. Additionally, when and as I see myself looking for the 'good times' and telling myself that things are or will be okay, I stop, breath, and look for the point that I am attempting to ignore or suppress and then re-direct myself to face it.<br />
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I commit myself to stop myself from allowing my fear of the unknown to influence my decisions by when and as I am in the process of making decisions, I will direct myself to make sure that I am clear on this point - and within this, also to remind myself of the potential within/as the unknown!<br />
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I commit myself to stopping fearing regret and fearing the potential that I may regret the decisions that I make. The reality is that this is not the first nor the last time that I have become regretful - it's a part of me living, making changes, and fine-tuning. With regret, the point for me is to utilize it for my awareness to not repeat the same mistakes and patterns again.<br />
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I commit myself to stop fearing change by when and as the fear of change comes up in response to a changing situation or a situation the requires my direction to change, with all of the 'What ifs ...', thoughts, future projections, beliefs, and backchats come up, I stop, breath, self-forgive what's coming up then give myself time to look at the situation in a disciplined way and allow myself to embrace the opportunity to be creative with change and making changes. I will work with change instead of running from it.<br />
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I commit myself to no longer allowing 'What If ...' thoughts to influence, direct and/or control my decisions or things about myself and living that I would like to change.<br />
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I commit myself to stopping myself from going into anger and frustration when things aren't going as I would like, hoped, and/or expected by when and as I see that things aren't going as I would have liked, how I would have hoped, or how I had expected, I stop and breath. I self-forgive the information and emotions coming up and then re-direct myself to take a self-honest look at my self-expectations and what would be cool for me to live - as this is what is really required to be sorted out and worked on.<br />
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I commit myself to stopping myself from having temper tantrums by when and as the urge comes up to physically release all of my accumulated anger and frustration, I stop, I breath, I remove myself from the situation, continue to breath and be here until stable. When and as the energy has dissipated, I self-forgive. Here, I see, realize, and understand that my starting point with stopping and changing acting out temper tantrums is to NOT DO IT.<br />
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I commit myself to changing my responses by when and as I see myself expressing with words and behaviors that aren't cool, I look for what it is that I am attempting to express and for ways that I can express them in way that is not suppressing. Here I utilize the tools of self-forgiveness and redefining myself.<br />
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I commit myself to utilize the moments that I become Miserable or Dissatisfied to look at where I have become miserable and dissatisfied with self and look at what it is that I can change about myself for self-fulfillment and self-satisfaction.<br />
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Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-11752723973204199022016-02-03T16:31:00.000-08:002016-02-03T16:31:15.931-08:00Day 225: Why Didn't I Do Something About It?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Self-Forgiveness for <a href="http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2016/02/day-224-not-so-obvious-to-me-anyway.html">Day 224: Not So Obvious (To Me Anyway)</a><br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for allowing myself to live, for a very long time, in the way that I have been and for doing nothing about it.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry on about, draw out, and/or threaten to do something about a situation that wasn't best for years instead of making the move to actually change it.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for prolonging the inevitable. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not making the move to change my situation much earlier when I had started to become aware that what I was living with/in/as was really fucked up and not cool at all.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and bitter at myself and others for me begging externally for my situation to change.<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be miserable for as long as I did - not seeing, realizing, nor understanding that being miserable is fine for a moment to support myself to make changes - and not a long-term solution where I had accepted it as 'wear for the road' and had come to believe that being miserable is normal - a sort of sacrifice of self for the greater good.<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the times when things were 'good' or 'okay' - getting myself caught up in the polarity of 'this is shit' but 'it's good sometimes too'. Bouncing back and forth instead of slowing myself down and facing what has been underneath it: a fear of the unknown.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear regret.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my 'What if ...' thoughts to influence me.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated when things aren't going well, as I would want, or as I had expected - and for having held on to the anger and frustration and allowing it to accumulate into Rage instead of self-forgiving it in the moment and the moments that the same patterns have played out in the past.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, with this accumulated anger, frustration, and rage, to act out with temper tantrums. become physically erratic, throw my arms up, point fingers, become intense, yell, and scream - not seeing that this is not an actual release of the accumulated emotions, only makes things worse, and conditions me to allow the behavior again - each time, going into it quicker than the last.<br />
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I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to change how I am responding to the situations that come up in my daily living - and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry and frustrated with myself for my responses that aren't cool.<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become miserable and dissatisfied with myself and how I am not responding in way that is supportive for me and others.<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become jealous and resentful of others whom I have been perceiving as having freedom to do as they like, the ability to adapt and/or bounce back from bad situations, and easily make changes for themselves - and get caught up in this - instead of seeing that Freedom, Adaptability, and Change are words and ways of being that have yet to be defined and lived by myself - and to stop what I am doing with the reactions and work on that.<br />
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Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-58853447637849232632016-02-03T16:24:00.000-08:002016-02-03T16:24:28.928-08:00Day 224: Not So Obvious (To Me Anyway)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I have been angry with myself for allowing myself to live the way I have for the past 16 years - and doing nothing about it. Always threatening to do something about my situation but never actually going through with it - and because of this, angry at myself for prolonging the inevitable with my hopes and begging an external source for things to change. Looking back, I have been miserable, however, I have overlooked this and instead used and held onto those rare and few moments where everything was okay and sometimes good.<br />
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I see that I was afraid that I would regret making a change. In my mind I have been thinking, "Well, what if this gets better? What if things can be more good than miserable? What if I change what I am doing here to get me my desired result?" I'm seeing more and more how the WHAT-IF question as been my downfall and leads me down so many roads that aren't best for me or anyone else. <br />
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And then there are the beliefs like, "I need to give this a chance to get better. I need to be stronger. I need to make myself happy or at the very least, make myself appear happy. I need to make myself better and good enough to be worthy of what it is that I would like to accomplish."<br />
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What tends to happen with me when I have seen myself working on something and have not seen results is that I have become frustrated and angry. Then, I have been projecting this anger, frustration, and other emotions and blaming external sources to the point of acting it out with words and having temper tantrums - which have been the behavioral patterns of 'snapping', becoming physically erratic, throwing my arms up, pointing fingers, becoming very intense, yelling, and sometimes screaming - and have continually come up for me overtime with no change.<br />
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So, I wonder. What is it that I'm actually angry about? Yes, the obvious point that I'm pissed off at myself for putting off something that happened regardless. And the not-so-obvious point (to me anyway) that I have been angry at myself for not changing how I respond to the way that I am living.<br />
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Something I noticed today is the voice inside of me that is resentful - resentful that I have been stuck in all this and that I have no freedom to do and make changes as I like - and within this, perceiving that others have the freedom to do and make changes as they would like in self-interest, regardless of what actually needs to be done. I have been in this perceived stuckness and comparing myself to others and seeing in my mind that they are so lucky, so much better off than me and the backchat, "Must be nice ..." And oh man, in this, I have actually physically burned with anger, rage and hatred.<br />
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Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-89648790150753675342015-12-31T13:51:00.002-08:002016-01-14T14:57:52.341-08:00Day 223: But I'm The Victim ... Right?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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PRIVATE</div>
Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-39505749250570757042015-12-26T12:05:00.000-08:002015-12-26T12:05:24.921-08:00Day 222: My God ... these lies - Part 2<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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This blog is the self-application and self-commitment part of my writing and self-forgiveness process from my previous blog post <a href="http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2015/12/day-221-my-god-these-lies.html">Day 221: My God ... these lies</a>.<br />
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I commit myself to stopping myself from reacting in shock when and as I am faced with lies in regards to the lies I tell myself/told myself and the lies that I am or have been told by when and as I am faced with and/and or hearing lies, I stop and breath until the energy dissipates. I realize that through the years that I have created an automatic physical response to information that doesn't align or match a pattern - that I have automatically been going into fear and within this, injecting myself with adrenaline which makes the experience shocking. So, by breathing, regulating my physical body, and not going into the fear thoughts that are coming up, I commit myself to gradually stop this automatic physical response and thus stop shocking myself.<br />
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I commit myself to being aware that the external lies that I am hearing/seeing are not personal and remind myself that what I am hearing/seeing is self-deception being externalized. And within this, I commit myself to when and as I hear/see something that doesn't align, doesn't fit a pattern, and/or is intentionally/unintentionally deceptive - and when I react to it - to breath and mirror it back to myself to support myself to see where I exist within the lie and where it exists within me.<br />
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I commit myself to handle the truth of myself and within this, I commit myself to be consistent and disciplined with writing and self-forgiving and thus stop myself from attempting to shut down self-awareness.<br />
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I commit myself to utilizing anger as a flag-point for when I am not or have not been self-honest with myself. So, in relation to lies, I commit myself to when and as I am hearing/seeing something that I perceive in my mind as wrong or something that 'people just aren't supposed to do', I will re-direct myself to investigate and deconstruct my belief system.<br />
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I commit myself to no longer expect that others purify themselves of lies. And within this, I commit myself to purify myself of lies through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-application. I take responsibility for my transgressions and stop going into stories that I have made up and stop creating new stories as a way of covering up or attempting to save face from what I have accepted and allowed of myself to do/be/become. By living this commitment, I will know that I can trust myself and be honest with myself and others.<br />
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And so...<br />
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I commit myself to stop judging myself for the decisions and actions made and to thus stop threatening myself with imaginations of what would happen if 'anyone finds out'. Instead of judging, threatening, and punishing, I will write it all out, self-forgive myself, self-correct. So, when this stuff comes up in a given moment, I stop, breath, and remind myself to stop torturing myself as this mind behavior hasn't ever kept me from making decisions that aren't best and has never changed me - in-fact, I realize that it actually triggers and perpetuates existing patterns.<br />
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I will utilize my commitments here to support myself to stop my reactions to external information and to stop reactions to the internal information that exists within me as my secret mind.<br />
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I commit myself to not go into the temptation of confessing or 'spilling my secrets' to an external source by when and as the urge comes up, I stop, breath, remind myself that what I want - to be able to confess in a safe, solid, and stable 'environment' - can only be done with myself with writing and self-forgiveness. I realize that the idea of external forgiveness is not realistic.</div>
Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-55772733959889403822015-12-24T00:33:00.000-08:002015-12-24T00:33:15.087-08:00Day 221: My God ... these lies<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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The extent of the lying that I have been faced with over the past weeks has blown me out of the water. In my mind, I can't even process it. I don't have the words ... alls I can say is, 'my god .. oh my fucking god..' I mean, I -really- have not liked taking this point on at all. And I get so angry and have just really wanted to project that anger and blame onto someone else. In awareness, though, I'm here reminding myself of the truth of myself. Face it Carrie. You have been a liar.<br />
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In the past, I have said whatever I have to say in order to not be found out. I have been spinning stories, embellishing, twisting facts, and intentionally withholding information - all of this to save myself, to safe face, or to keep things from changing in a way that I would not like. I have seen my lies as worse than any that have been told to me. And it hasn't been just 'then' ... the temptation to lie comes up - it's like, right there, alls I have to do is follow the words - follow the story that I have previously concocted in my mind during imaginary roleplaying. <br />
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Predominately, I have found ... and here's the kicker ... that I dislike holding onto secrets. I want to just spill it, be done with it, and move on. However, reality has shown that this can be damaging - to oneself and others. A predicament.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in shock when I have been faced with lies - as if it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to see lies as something that are happening to me instead of seeing that lying is actually something I have done quite often - it is not something that happens to me, it exists within and as me.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see my inability to handle the truth of myself in the very way that my mind cannot accept or come to terms with lies. I have not noticed how I have been shutting down self-awareness.<br />
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I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to utilize anger as a red-flag for when I'm not being self-honest and have been instead automatically projecting it onto others as something they are doing wrong. And within this, not seeing, realizing, or allowing myself to get into understanding the belief system that I've created about what I'm hearing/seeing as 'wrong'.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as doing wrong things and within this, to threaten myself with imaginations of what would happen if 'anyone finds out'. Instead of coming clean with myself, letting go, and seeing that I made a mistake that would best not be repeated, I have been holding on to these things and torturing myself with them.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to information.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my internal information - and the things that go in in my secret mind.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that 'spilling my secrets' clear me of responsibility because I 'told the truth' and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this idea that if I tell everything that have done and talk about the secret life I have created for myself in mind, that I am absolved of consequence.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see my desire/impulse to externalize my confessions instead of confessing to myself with self-forgiveness - and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be SELF-HONEST instead of HONEST.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask myself, "Who am I within the lies and who would I like to be - what is best for me to be?"<br />
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I started writing this blog a couple of weeks ago and it looks 'light' to me. Like, the self-forgiveness here doesn't even begin to cut into the anger and hurt that I am experiencing due to being repeatedly and intensely lied to over the past two months and beyond that ... the drawn out lies through the years. <br />
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Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-75890704319523702082015-12-03T01:08:00.000-08:002015-12-03T01:08:17.871-08:00Day 220: Betrayed - One Gift<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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One of the coolest things I've seen in myself within this all is how Resourceful I am. As I have walked my relationship with another and not gotten what I saw that I needed, I would find ways to give what I want or need to myself. So, as I expressed what I wanted or needed and my partner was not able to give, I found creative ways to be satisfied with myself. If I was wanting to be physical, I would work out . If I wanted to communicate with others, I would find people to communicate. If I wanted to go out and do things with others, I would make friends. With time, I was able to give myself almost everything. In a way, I see it as a challenge or something new that has yet to be discovered, like, "I want this. I need this. How can I go about getting this? Just how creative can I get here?"<br />
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So, when the point came up of walking a betrayal situation and deciding that enough is enough, I was fully equipped. Because I had given myself so much already, the transition was very quick and smooth. In my previous blogs, I have gone into <a href="http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2015/11/day-218-betrayed.html">how my life fell apart</a> - and even though there was a part of me that was in fear of the change and the unknown, there was more of me that was stable, solid, and automatically aware of what needed to be done and finding creative ways to do it. For the things that I didn't know how to deal with - the stuff that was coming up in my mind, the overwhelming emotions, and the intense shock of the situation, I had <a href="http://www.forum.desteni.org/">support</a>. For anyone - no matter what situation you are facing - see, you do not have to do this alone. There are <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/journeytolife/">people</a> here that can very effectively assist you.<br />
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My message here is: When, if, or as you find that you are not satisfied with your situation, look for an test out ways of giving yourself that satisfaction. Be creative. Enjoy the process. Make it a game if you will. I mean, in the end, when it comes down to it, our lives can change in any given moment ... we can in-fact lose everything outside of ourselves and be left with only ourselves. Doesn't it make sense to start doing and giving things for oneself now? The more we do things, the more automatic they become. <a href="http://lite.desteniiprocess.com/">Prepare yourself</a>.</div>
Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-36717639889203961532015-11-29T11:38:00.001-08:002015-11-29T11:38:34.912-08:00Day 219: Betrayed - Understanding: Q&A<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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So, my questions have been: How could this happen? How could someone that I trust do something that I see as damaging and highly consequential? And why did they not consider me and the life we built together - doesn't all of that time and work on the relationship mean something?<br />
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As I have been answering these questions over the past few days, some things have become clear. First, what has happened was not personal. Second, for many of us, the world is like an all access buffet that's a click or a message away - in fact, I have found that it takes a great amount of willpower to refrain from indulging. Myself, I have principles that assist with my decision making process but for the many, this is not the case. And without these principles - respect, honor, and integrity - it is very easy to go from one self-interest to another and not consider the consequences or the ripples that are being created. Third, in regards to interests of a sexual nature, we get turned on - like a switch, and in that moment have the tendency to make decisions that we might not have made if we were in our 'right mind'.<br />
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My answers to my questions are thus:<br />
This happens because it happens. Again, it had nothing to do with me on a personal level. It was something this person did because it may have been fun, exciting, or felt good at the time. And in a world where things are shit, it's understandable how another would want that moment of feeling better about themselves. Obviously, it is no way a permanent solution but it is understandable.<br />
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I have had the tendency to make moral judgment calls. For myself, I have utilized consequence or potential consequence as a way to keep myself in-check. What I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand is that I cannot hold others to my way of doing things - what is clear to me may not be so clear to another. And the truth of the matter is that I have done some things that aren't what's best and fell many times before deciding for myself what works for me, what doesn't work for me, what I can live with, and what I cannot live with - if I had not been allowed to make mistakes, I would not be where I am today. <br />
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In other words: we have to allow each other to make mistakes, be there as a point of support if possible, and not hold it against them.<br />
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Many times I have been in a similar situation as the person that I had placed my trust in - even as I have been working on answering these questions, a very similar scenario has played out for me. And I can say that when I'm in it, when I'm engaged, when I'm having fun, when my curiosity is getting peaked and satiated, and my mind is getting stimulated by an external source, that I am not considering the life I have built with another and I'm not focused on the work on the relationship that has or must be done. In fact, the relationship does not influence my experience much at all.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to separate myself from what another is living out - as if it doesn't exist within and as me.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my attempted separation from another and what they are living is a form of control - trying to control them and myself with a morality system that I have created from a fear of loss.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a decision that someone else made and make it personal and within this, see this as something that had been done to me instead of actually personalizing it for myself - getting to know the decision and how I have/could have made the same decision myself.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to allow myself moments of fun, excitement, and physically feeling good because of beliefs, ideas, my morality system, fear, and not trusting myself - within this, not seeing, realizing, nor understanding how I am betraying myself.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world that is shit and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that myself and others should be wallowing in this shit and not taking moments to take a break from the shit. We are the ones that will be cleaning up our shit so it's going no where - the point here is to trust oneself to go back to cleaning up the shit. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more focused on other people's landfill of shit moreso than my own.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that others are actually in a bigger pile of shit than myself because they have not yet realized how to clean up their shit.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to come to terms with the fact that for myself and some others in a fortunate position in life, that there is everything and anything that we're interested in exploring in the world and at our fingertips - but I have been unclear on the point and instead if clearing it up for myself without fear and with self-honesty, self-trust, and self-responsibility, I have been denying, suppressing, judging and punishing those parts of myself because I have had the belief that I shouldn't be like this or that I shouldn't be able to do the things that I'm able to.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize consequence and potential consequential play-outs as a way to keep myself and others in check. I haven't seen, realized, nor understood how by doing this, I am creating even more consequence. The question is for myself: can I live with these consequences I'm creating or can I not live with them? And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have it in mind that all others should be asking themselves the same question as a way to keep themselves in-check so that I don't have to face the reality of this world and my relationship with it.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear my principles like a Badge of Morality, a show of greatness, and a demonstration of my will - as if it sets me a part and makes me better than those who don't share the same principles. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how making my principles a religion creates an even shittier experience for those who don't share the principles - especially when I am preaching them instead of living them and really getting into opening them up for myself.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to externalize the principles that I'm aligning myself with - seeing them as my savior, greater than, or something I must obtain for myself.<br />
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I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate, explore, and open up what I like, why I like it, and how these things have been able to influence me or change me in a moment - where one moment, I am aware and the next moment, I am somewhere else that is not here and considering all things.<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself. I mean, as I have been walking these points this past week - this is what has become very clear - that I have been suppressing myself with the belief that there is something wrong with how I would like to express myself.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my suppression of others in my external world is a reflection of my suppressing myself internally.<br />
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I commit myself to stop separating myself from what others are experiencing or living out for themselves by when and as the thoughts come up of, "That is so wrong ... how could they do that? That is highly consequential ... and why are they considering me and everyone else?" I stop and breath. I remind myself of where I was in my mind when in similar living situations - that I was in a moment and not considering the consequences, how it may effect others, or the ripples it may cause. In fact, I had worked it out in my mind how everything that I was doing and all the decisions that I was making were fine and everything would work out just fine. So, here, to remind myself that we have all been equally corrupt and for myself, personally, I have made the decision to stop the corruption with the tools I have available and to no longer expect, dictate, and demand that others walk the same path that I have chosen for myself.<br />
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Within this, I commit myself to stop attempting to control how others are living via separation by when and as the points come up that I see are wrong or even unforgivable, I stop, I breath, and I bring this point that's coming up back to myself and look at is self-honestly. I ask myself, "Who am I within this? Why am I telling myself this is wrong? Why have I been telling myself that I cannot live out the same? Why have I been denying that this is separate from me? What am I afraid of?" In this particular case, with the 'unforgivable', I forgive myself, stop being my jailer, let go, and allow myself to explore the unexplored about myself.<br />
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I commit myself to stop taking other's life decisions as a personal or intentional attack. I realize that it's my ego stepping in to keep me from connecting with me - who I have accepted and allowed myself to become - so that I do not have the opportunity to sort through it, release myself, and be the creator of myself. So, when and as I see myself taking others life decisions personally or seeing them as an attack, I stop and breath. I redirect myself to applying the point to myself and coming to terms with it as it exists within and as myself as my mind where I have defined myself. I release myself from these points with self-forgiveness and then see what comes up for new ways of seeing and understanding things and go from there - sans ego.<br />
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I commit myself to no longer allow my ideas, beliefs and/or morality system to influence my ability to enjoy the things in life or whether or not I will have fun and play around with what is here and available to me. When and as I see these thoughts and judgments come up or I see myself going 'on-guard' in my mind, I stop, breath, and let go. I allow myself to present and get into whatever is that I'm doing at the moment without fear or judgment. Further, I will write out for myself the things that I enjoy so that I can integrate those things into my life for myself.<br />
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I commit myself to stop betraying myself with lies and stories about who or what I am by when and as I see myself going into my mind about myself and have a dialogue with myself or imagine a dialogue between myself and others about me, I stop and breath. I remind myself that I am storytelling - and do something like sing, "Storrrrrrrries! Making up stories!" lolol - here, I stop trying to convince myself and others that I'm something special, unique, different, or better than how I actually have been seeing myself in relation to the things coming up that I have defined as negative, wrong, or undesirable.<br />
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I commit myself to show that: Yes, the world is shit and yes we created this landfill of shit - however, it is only ourselves that can clean up our shithole mess so obviously, this is going to take some work. We work, we take breaks, sometimes a vacation, and then we go back to work. It is not for us to decide how another cleans up their shit or if they do it all - what has substance is what we do for ourselves. So when the time comes that I meet my maker - The Earth, when I'm dead in the ground, I can say that I did not give into complacency and did not leave pile of shit to add to the already existing piles of shit that were already here. Instead, I will be able to show myself where I have utilized the shit as fertilizer to grow life - an expression without the limitations of a mind.<br />
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I commit myself to utilize my being in a fortunate position in this world to be a happy, healthy, educated, and stable human being - and in doing so, nurture and support any means necessary to make sure that ALL can have the same equally. I commit myself to using my education, my talents, and the skills I have developed to planting seeds of life in all this shit so that we can all get to being happy, healthy, stable, and have equal access to realizing our potential via education. I realize that I don't need to beat myself up about this anymore as long as I am doing something about it - then, I'm cool with myself.<br />
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I commit myself to stop myself from keeping myself and others 'in-check' from a point of fear. Here, I commit myself to slowing myself down when in communication with myself and others so that I can see what's coming up for movement within me as thoughts and physical reactions. Is what's coming up clear or am I grasping at straws for something to say to try to control the situation? Am I expressing in a moment of understanding or am I searching my data for beliefs, ideas, stories, or words to support my fears which fuel my drive to control?<br />
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I commit myself to stop wearing my principles as a Badge - as though they are superior or better than me and others by when and I see that I'm utilizing the principles for judgment and separation, I stop and breath. I realize here that I have often been hiding behind principles and using them to support my Ego rather than integrating them into my living. I will revisit the principles, cross-reference, see where I'm standing, and reassess/readjust as necessary.<br />
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I commit myself to open myself up to the possibilities and potentials for myself - I have seen that I have essentially been handed a 'Get Out Of Jail Free' Card - why hold onto it and stay in jail (with the same patterns) if I don't have to? I say this is quite a gift. And realistically speaking, it probably wouldn't have come about (at least not for a loooooong time) if I hadn't been faced with being betrayed. Does it suck? Yep. Does it hurt like a bitch? Oh yeah. Am I grateful? Totally.<br />
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Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-36942867126436640342015-11-20T08:01:00.000-08:002015-11-20T08:32:10.157-08:00Day 218: Betrayed<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Discovering that someone is not who I thought they were - that they have been doing things for many years that are outside of our agreement and commitments has been a shock. I placed my trust in this person and so placed myself in them. As the lies have been unfolding, I have found that I have this experience of being destroyed - wasted. When the thoughts come up about what I know and what I might not know, I have been reacting to them with this overwhelming sense of loss of self. I think, "How could I have been so stupid?", "Why did they do this to me?", "I'm such a loser,", "They did this because I am not good enough for them,", "There is too much wrong with me physically - I am flawed," and "What am I going to do with myself now that I am like this?"<br />
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My world and the life that I built is falling apart - something that I did not see was possible for me as I saw myself as stronger than that, that I am beyond that, that I am the one one that would always be in control of me and my life - no matter what happened. I have had this belief that if I had myself that I could weather anything.<br />
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I have been fortunate to have an unlimited and unconditional amount of support in this process of my life falling apart. Probably the best suggestion I was given was to breath - to hold the in-breath and realize - this is me, this is my life force, and I am still here, regardless of the external loss. I have also been fortunate to have my child and my dog here and a friend suggested that I hug them when the emotions come up - this has assisted me to stay grounded and to not get lost in everything going on. Seriously, I cannot imagine having to sort through this without that physical support from these two.<br />
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One of the most profound realizations I have had along the way is that the 'life' I built was actually an illusion that I created from fear of losing a relationship or who I was or wanted to be in the relationship. I saw that in the beginning of the relationship that there was a part of myself that I really liked - but overtime, I was no longer able to connect with that self and so I was clinging to the memory of the 'way things used to be' in hopes that I could somehow get that experience of myself back.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in another.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself as my trust to another.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself when things didn't 'add up', didn't make sense, or what I was seeing and what I was hearing was unaligned. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-doubt and to not listen to myself.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into physical shock when faced with all of the delusions that I have allowed, accepted, perpetuated, and supported - and created.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my delusions/illusions coming down as something bad or destructive - I realize that I saw the process in this way because I did not want to let go of the illusion and that I was in, I did not want to give up hope, I did not want to change, I did not want to let go, and I have had a paralyzing fear of the unknown - I mean, who/what/where would I be if I no longer had all of that?<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and keep myself locked in to a way that of being that was perhaps not what was best from fear of loss of self and fear of the unknown.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the gift of betrayal - if the lie I was living had not been exposed and if I had not been faced with the extent that I had put my trust in something or someone outside of myself, I would still be living in a bubble of constant paranoia and self-doubt and making up stories to make myself 'okay' with all that.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to loss.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the loss of my hopes and beliefs about myself, the loss of how I saw my life playing out, the loss of the future I had planned for myself, and the loss of who/what/where and with whom I would be.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, "How could I have been so stupid?" - and creating this self-judgement as an excuse to go into blame and self-victimization and thus justify and pave the way for me to go into despair, sadness, depression, and feeling bad for myself rather than breathing, remaining here, and seeing the situation in a self-honest and realistic way.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, "How could they do this to me?" and giving myself over to this thought with negative experiences instead of seeing that blame and how I have been using the blame as a vehicle for allowing myself to be the victim instead of being the one here standing in awareness of how this blame and self-victimization is self-defeating and gets me no where. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that it is my strength, life force and commitment to creating a better life for myself that I will actually get me out of the mess I have created and ensure that I do not repeat the same mistakes.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the negative thought that "I am a loser" and to see this as me sucking at life and having very little value. Instead of seeing that, yes, I am a 'loser' within the context that I have experienced a loss and it doesn't necessarily mean that something with wrong me and rather that I have some adjustments to make with my awareness, my self-relationship and how I direct myself externally physically.<br />
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the belief that I must not have been good enough for another and because of not being good enough is why I was betrayed - not seeing, realizing, considering, and understanding that it was not likely the best match - or it was at sometime and not anymore - we all meet up, are sometimes with each other for some time, and ultimately always move on.<br />
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Further, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into taking all of this personally and assuming that there is something wrong with me when something doesn't work out - I realize that I have been misinterpreting the information and the self-communication - having been connecting polarity definitions and meanings to what's coming up which has been clouding my ability to see clearly.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into the thought/idea/belief that many of the issues that I face in my life are because there is something wrong with me physically and because I am flawed physically - and allowing and going into complacency with that rather than seeing where this stuff comes from and if it's actually relevant or changeable. I mean, when I look at it now and see where these ideas come from and that they have come from fear, there's some comedy here.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the thought, "What am I going to do now?" and within this, having a lost and insecure experience because I have been panicking in situations that aren't known, are unplanned, or are unpredictable. Had I had been hearing myself instead of reacting and in fear, I would have heard myself clearly asking myself, "Okay. So. What AM I going to do? How will I be changing here? How will I be building a new life that's real and not fiction?"<br />
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I commit myself to no longer allow myself to place myself as trust in an external source and instead bringing trust back to myself by committing myself to a working relationship with self where I hear myself, stop doubting my ability to see, and stop doubting my awareness. When and as questions and inconsistencies come up or I am seeing a pattern that aligns with specific information that looks as though it requires adjustment, I stop and breath. I let go of any energetic reactions, definitions, connections, and fears that I have attached to what is coming up and hear myself communicating with myself without the polarity. I allow myself the space and time required to work it out for myself. I realize that I do not have all of the answers, however, I commit myself to living a real life and not one that I have reasoned or contrived in my mind because I did not yet have the understanding or clear direction. I will be patient with myself.<br />
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I commit myself to assist and support my physical body with not going into shock as I make a transition from my 'old life' and into a 'new life' by breathing, staying physical, and reminding myself that the life I am letting go of was only a really good story and my future that I had planned was a brilliant idea - mostly all of it was made up in my mind - conflicting, confusing, and trying to physically conform to the story I had made up. It was a big CON. I allow myself to breath, let go, and walk into the unknown - here using the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to support me.<br />
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I commit myself to no longer allow the definitions I have connected to information to influence my ability to see clearly and communicate with myself without polarity by breathing, stopping, and redirecting myself to look beyond the meanings I have connected to what's coming up - here, I will say the words within myself as self - slowly, clearly, and with my sound - and take a look at what's being communicated and within awareness, decide how to respond.<br />
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I commit myself to stop going into all these thoughts that I have about myself in a negative, self-defeating way. When and as the thoughts come up, I stop, breath, and center myself. I remind myself of my self-commitment to establish self-trust with self-communication and hear myself with sound stability. Here, I commit myself to practice this stopping, breathing, sounding, hearing, and responding in awareness until it becomes me.</div>
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Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-13861510615118887442015-08-14T22:58:00.001-07:002015-08-15T00:16:19.013-07:00Day 217: If you're wrong, are you going to tell everybody?<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-OXZB-d6Xqq4/Vc7nQeejYmI/AAAAAAAAAc0/O5qnW4j1lg8/s640/blogger-image-1131109992.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-OXZB-d6Xqq4/Vc7nQeejYmI/AAAAAAAAAc0/O5qnW4j1lg8/s640/blogger-image-1131109992.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><br></div>I was watching a video on YouTube recently and the individual speaking asked the question, "If you're wrong, are you going to tell everybody?"<div><br></div><div>I found this an interesting question because points came up immediately in my mind where I was showing myself my history with being wrong, knowing that I have been wrong, and not wanting others to see it. I saw a fear of losing face - as though being wrong would diminish, discredit, or make me look unreliable or not worthy to particpate in the goings-on with life. I saw how this fear had become so ingrained into myself that I would go to great lengths with deceptive explanations of how I couldn't possibly be wrong. My twisting of the information was oftentimes so effective that I could convince others of my validity and within this, almost convince myself. Almost I say because my memory of myself in situations with others is not difficult for me to access and even easier to trigger. </div><div><br></div><div>So, my question for myself is: why do I expect that others come forth and admit they are wrong when I have not yet developed the integrity and humbleness to do the same myself? And deeper, looking at the memories that I've connected to 'being wrong' and with that, the automated fear response, how is that I can expect others to transcend themselves as their memories and push through their fears when I have continued to allow the existence of my memories and fears, accepted them as being me, and allowed them to influence me?</div><div><br></div><div>Within this, I realize that when I have called others out as 'being deceptive' or 'deliberately withholding information' or 'not being truthful', is the pot calling the kettle black. I realize there is no understanding when I have had thoughts or voiced statements like this - I have separated myself from the indivuals and/or situation, I have not mirrored back to myself, and I have not taken responsibility for where is exists within and as me.</div><div><br></div><div>I see that I have got it in my mind that it's perfectly acceptable to call them out, show them how they are wrong within my morality system, and pardon the language ... to be a fucker about it. I realize this is my Ego, though, because in reality when I approach a situation or individual with understanding and already taken responsibility, I am gentle and introspective.</div><div><br></div>Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-40397499052693942812015-06-06T17:52:00.000-07:002015-06-06T17:52:13.105-07:00Day 216: You've Been Hijacked<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, 'lucida grande', sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><i>"So you have truly been Hijacked by Evil: the Evil of the Light. It’s the same as a Moth that’s been Hijacked by the Light, it continues going to the Light, Ignoring the Evidence that Going to the Light inevitably is going to Wear you out and you’re going to End up Dying and that it’s Getting you Nowhere: the Moth keeps on Going to the Light." - <a href="http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/07/day-445-universal-mind.html">Creation's Journey To Life, Day 445: The Universal Mind</a></i></span><br />
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I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I've been hijacked. We've all been hijacked.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have been jacked up high - severed, separated, and lifted up off of the earth.</div>
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I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be high jacked.</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jacked up into my mind where it's comfortable and away from what's become of our reality - a system of survival, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-when-breath-is-not-your-own">starvation</a>, curable disease, sacrifice, deliberate <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-my-relationship-with-physical-abuse">abuse</a>, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/murdered-death-research-part-1">murder</a>, and constant trauma.</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to be hijacked - seized and manipulated to see my internal and external world in a distorted and backwards way so that I would be a part of and used as a tool to bring about a world that is not best for all and benefits a few.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the information that's been inserted into my mind - and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become a willing <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-educated-into-a-sex-slave">slave</a> instead of questioning the information and investigating to see whether or not it's in-fact true or a story that's been made up to protect those that fear the consequences and potential loss if/when/as the real <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-the-beginning">truth</a> comes out.</div>
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am all things - I am not just the part, I am the whole - and that what I accept and allow as myself, I accept and allow for all in existence.</div>
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself see, realize, and understand myself as a creator. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me, as a creator, to be hijacked and re-directed - allowed myself to be created into a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/creator-or-created-reptilians-part-344">creator</a> for specific creation.</div>
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I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and be able to immediately take responsibility for why I would allow myself as a creator to be utilized to create a world of survival, suffering, pain and torment.</div>
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest about the constant and continuous suffering, pain, and torment that goes on within and as me - as a being I have been separated, fragmented, and I have been furious about it and my physical body is literally being torn, stripped, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/drilling-the-physical-for-energy-kryon-my-existential-history">drilled</a> and sucked of physical <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-the-physical-as-the-resource-for-energy-part-36">resource</a>s so that me as my mind - with all of my fears, beliefs, self-definitions, relationship connections, and personalities - can survive.</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider and want to believe that everything here as it exists is the result of a veeeeeeery tiny group of super <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-an-elite-philanthropist">elite</a> manipulating everything for their own <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-why-the-nature-of-man-is-inherently-evil-part-33">evil</a> agenda. When two things are for sure: one, I don't know for certain what their agenda is - I mean there is so much disinformation and assumption going on, and two, I realize that if I accept that there is an evil group of hell bent manipulators controlling everything from behind the scenes and within this, allow myself to blame them, this is showing me how this archetype actually exists within and as me and that I am attempting to pin it on an external source.</div>
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Further, within the realization that I am all as one as equal, I see that this 'elite group' is me in another life. They are in the same game of competition for resources - however, they are better at the <span id="goog_1697798455"></span>game<span id="goog_1697798456"></span>.</div>
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react, judge and blame instead of allowing myself to breath, remain stable, and be with/as/for another, understand, embrace unconditionally and forgive as I would forgive myself. And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest and see how I would have played the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-game-of-life-part-96">Game of Life</a> no different if it were me as them - Why would I? If everything was going fine for me, why would I even consider changing or doing anything differently? It's the same damn mind-set that is running in each and every one of us that are in a position of physical comfort, relationship distractions, and financial stability.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into helplessness and self-victimization and tell myself, "<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/how-to-stop-disempowering-yourself-reptilians-part-392">There's nothing I can do</a> ..." or "<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/i-just-don-t-care-life-review">I don't care</a> ..." or "<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/it-s-too-late-for-you-life-review">It's too late</a> ..." instead seeing, understanding, and realizing that I/we must stop and change what I am/we are doing and create a balance within and as ourselves, each other and the world, where everything is equalized into win-win solutions.</div>
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To be continued with self-corrections and self-commitments.</div>
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Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-50032440529909133332015-06-03T23:03:00.000-07:002015-06-03T23:03:13.745-07:00Day 215: Myself As A Leader - Making Some Changes<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2015/05/day-213-dark-side-of-myself-as-leader.html">On Day 213: Dark Side of Myself As A Leader</a>, I took on some points that I've been facing about myself for sometime that I had finally had enough of. This post is a continuation of that writing and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/the-effects-of-self-forgiveness-atlanteans-part-301">self-forgiveness</a> where I am now making some changes to how I have been seeing and doing things - not only as an external system leader but also internally personally. Currently, I'm in a cool position of not having to be responsible for a lot of people - so, I can take a step back from it all, breath, and make a new plan for myself. </div>
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I commit myself to stop attempting to possess other people and instead allow myself to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/homesick-letting-go-atlanteans-part-304">let go</a>.<div>
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I commit myself to stop repeating, "They are mine," to myself and within this, stop seeing others as mine and instead change my perspective back to myself and focus on becoming my own.</div>
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I commit myself to stop the desire to collect people by when and as this desire comes up, I remind myself to get myself collected - to bring the parts of myself that I've separated from myself back to myself. So, instead of going about the process of collecting the individual, I collect the point or part and bring it back here as me.</div>
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I commit myself to applying self-control - to take ownership of myself and be self-directive. By doing this, I will support myself to stop attempting external control, ownership and having to be the only one to make all of the decisions.</div>
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I commit myself to stop attempting to separate others from each other and also stop making judgement calls about who can be trusted and who cannot. I will stop placing myself as a guard and no longer accept and allow to see myself as a 'protector'. So, when and as I see myself going into that <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/lips-quantum-physical">physical</a> urge of being the protector, I stop and breath. I allow the fear to dissipate and I remind myself that there are no enemies - I have created enemies to feed my fear and utilized judgement to keep the whole thing going. I'm done with that. So instead of continuing to project all of this stuff onto others, I will focus on stopping the separation, focus on self-trust, and guarding myself from creating unnecessary consequence for others.</div>
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I commit myself to stop attempting to live out and within the alternate realities that I have created in my mind where everything is 'just so' and perfect. I allow myself to let go of these things and become a collaborator - a Co-Lab-Operator - a Co-Lab-Orator. Co-testing, Co-speaking, co-<a href="https://eqafe.com/p/anu-s-process-of-creation-reptilians-part-399">creating</a> and seeing how I can be a part of testing out others ideas and bringing them to reality.</div>
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I commit myself to stop going into <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/panic-attacks-real-time-change-atlanteans-part-300">panic</a> and/or paranoia when I see a situation or a person as being unpredictable and/or somehow influencing an idea that I've managed to manifest. I breath, let go, and see what unfolds. I remind myself to allow myself to be curious again.</div>
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I commit myself to stop being territorial as at the moment, as outside of the survival system, I'm not seeing that it benefits anyone but myself. When and as I see that I am becoming physically uneasy or uncomfortable when and as I see someone that is 'too comfortable' or 'too friendly' in a space that I am in and see as mine, I stop, breath, and do not go into a reaction. I relax and again, allow myself to let go so that I can be comfortable and friendly with myself. Within this, I will stop my <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/wrinkles-around-the-eyes-quantum-physical">physical </a>reaction of going into the 'bulldog' backchat/composure/stance/expression and see what comes up as an expression of me <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reprogramming-your-being-reptilians-part-402">being</a> here.</div>
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I commit myself to stop looking for and mapping out others weaknesses and instead focus on my own weaknesses that I can utilize to assist and support me in my process of oneness and becoming my potential by when and as I see myself looking for points in others that could potentially be seen as 'unlikable', 'weak' or less than perfect qualities, instead of marking others with those things, I flag-point them for myself as points for me to open up as myself and stop ignoring their existence within and as me.</div>
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I commit myself to remove the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/homesick-emotional-dependency-atlanteans-part-303">emotional</a> and feeling <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/drilling-the-physical-for-energy-kryon-my-existential-history">energies</a> that I have used to connect myself to others - and within this, I commit myself to stop myself from re-creating them. I commit myself to digging into understanding myself and why I have been continuing to not only maintain these connections but to also attempt to form new ones despite my awareness that it's a disservice to myself and others.</div>
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I commit myself to focus first on being a self-leader - and to assist and support myself with this process to let go of the <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/interrupted-by-fear-reptilians-part-401">fear</a>s, beliefs, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/overcoming-self-judgements-reptilians-part-398">judgments</a>, thoughts, reactions, and physical programming that I have created within and as myself being an external system leader. A cool goal I see for myself is to become a sort of life leader where the seeds are planted, the care is provided, and something grows ...</div>
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Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-14863284770801550812015-05-31T19:33:00.001-07:002015-05-31T19:36:11.405-07:00Day 214: The Gift of Sadness<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-fcJkaAI0q4Y/VWvEdOLbFbI/AAAAAAAAAXQ/EhTe7xkJV3s/s640/blogger-image--1369260180.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-fcJkaAI0q4Y/VWvEdOLbFbI/AAAAAAAAAXQ/EhTe7xkJV3s/s640/blogger-image--1369260180.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><br></div>My dog passed away last week. She'd been sick for about a month before we finally made the decision to let her go. In the end, she was in a lot of pain and could not move around. We made the best decision for her, though even making the best decision doesn't make not having the dog around easier. <div><br></div><div>When we were at the vet having the procedure done, I looked over to the vet and she looked overcome with sadness. I was crying but at that moment I was grateful that we were able to do this for the dog - that we could relieve her of her pain. I said to the vet, "Why are you so sad? We're doing what is best for her." And she said, " I know ... But it doesn't make it any easier..." </div><div><br></div><div>My dog not being here didn't 'hit me' until the next day - she was not here when I woke up, there was no dog to feed or go outside, no one watching my movements, and no one barking at the neighbors. I went about cleaning as the housework was set aside during the time I was nursing the dog - the hardest part was sweeping and vacuuming up the dog hair - I saw it as removing her and I didn't like that. I cried. I kept telling myself that I shouldn't be emotional - that I shouldn't be reacting to the the thoughts that came about her not being her anymore and the things we would no longer share together. I attempted to suppress the sadness and the crying which made the process physically painful. See, I had this idea that I should be beyond going into the thoughts and reactions - that I should be able to give myself what I got from my dog. Unfortunately, I wasn't there yet. It was an ideal - information and knowledge - an idea that wasn't yet realized.</div><div><br></div><div>Eventually, I gave up and allowed myself to be sad. I laid in bed, watched Netflix, slept and cried. I allowed myself to be aware that were weren't here together anymore, that I was lonely without her, that I could not give myself at this time what she had given me, and that I couldn't connect with another in the same way that I connected with her. I let it all come and I went into it. </div><div><br></div><div>I had this belief that if I went into the sadness and responded to what was coming up for thoughts that I would be doing myself an injustice, that I would harm myself in some way, or that I would not come out of it and end up in a depression. This didn't happen though - and looking back I see that I hadn't yet trusted myself to be able to remember, to think about her, to see myself without her and be sad.</div><div><br></div><div>After about two days of being sad, I started to feel better - I again wanted to get up and be a part of everything again without my dog. I learned that I could trust myself to be sad and am on better terms with myself for giving this to myself.</div><div><br></div><div>This morning I was talking with a friend about sadness and he pointed that we are all sad - it is a part of all of us. He said that he's grateful for sadness. And you know, he's spot on. See, when I stopped denying sadness as being me and stopped attempting to separate myself from sadness - my sadness was supportive and assisted me to come to terms with the passing of my companion. </div><div><br></div><div>Isn't it fascinating how we tell ourselves and each other that we shouldn't be sad? That we shouldn't be experiencing ourselves in this way? When all along it could be the best things for ourselves in the long-run? A gift we give ourselves when we require it the most. </div>Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4401444868098361097.post-482768204103943312015-05-02T20:57:00.000-07:002015-05-02T21:02:30.611-07:00Day 213: Dark Side of Myself As A Leader<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-q1VkqXFjNFc/VUWGd2kZQeI/AAAAAAAAAV0/1G2-xs2Kp8Y/s1600/mine_not_yours.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-q1VkqXFjNFc/VUWGd2kZQeI/AAAAAAAAAV0/1G2-xs2Kp8Y/s1600/mine_not_yours.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as in <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/i-possess-my-mind-and-my-mind-possesses-me-life-review">possess</a>ion of people.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself, "They are <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/relationship-success-support-why-obsession-takes-over-when-meeting-someone-new-part-8">mine</a>."</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/what-a-girl-wants-life-review">desire</a> to collect people.</div>
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And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the groups that I have been in as my collection of people - in my mind I see it as many people in my circle - and within that circle, now for me to control, take <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/i-am-what-own-support-the-soul-of-money">ownership</a> of and direct.</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to see the confines that I place people in as a circle of defense. <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/when-the-voices-trap-you-in-your-own-mind-part-2-2013-the-future-of-consciousness-part-27">In my mind, the words repeat</a>, "These are my people. Stay out. Stay away." And I see myself as a guard, constantly patrolling the perimeter, and keeping out anyone or anything that I don't see as worthy of 'my people'.</div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to create an alternate reality for those whom I've 'collected' where I have attempted to physically manifest my idea of a perfect scenario - what I see as best for everyone. And having created this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend and protect my possessions - those that give <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-experiencing-life-vs-living-life-part-52">life</a> to the private little world that I've created from my ideas, beliefs, imaginations, and fears.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/panic-attacks-introduction-atlanteans-part-291">panic</a> when and as I have seen something or someone come in or attempt to come in from the area outside of the separation boundary that I have created - especially if it something or someone that I see myself as not being able to control and/or not be able to predict how the outside influence with effect things.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/journeys-into-the-afterlife-seeing-mind-in-the-physical-part-23">physical</a>ly uncomfortable when and as someone or something is coming on to my territory in a way that I see as 'too comfortable' or 'too friendly' with what I have claimed as mine and after this, see and mark them as an enemy.<br />
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And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel all of myself into my eyes and face where I 'narrow' self, like a bullet or a bulldog, with my neck and shoulders pulled forward - still, quiet and watching - then saying to myself or out-loud with a deep sound, "No. This is not allowed. I don't <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-feeling-like-i-don-t-belong">like</a> this ..."<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be replaced if my people like the new <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/i-want-to-be-unique-part-2-life-review">individual</a> more than me. And as this fear, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go about making myself look better than the new individual where I will observe every move and listen to every word that the new individual makes and then map out their weaknesses in the event I see myself as having to manipulate opinion in my favor later.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/appetite-for-energy-demons-in-the-afterlife-part-48">energetic</a> emotional and feeling connections to others - if I had not done this, than I wouldn't have gone into the desire to possess and thus physically manifested the possession. I have not seen, realized, nor understood how much more complicated I have made my life and the lives of others as a result of that initial energetic relationship connection.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lead from the points of creating energetic relationships and then fearing losing those energetic relationships. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed leaders who participate in the same pattern of creating emotional and feeling relationship connections to people, fearing losing that connection that we have defined ourselves by, and then making an enemy out of anyone or anything that threatens to change those relationship connections.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how this similar play-out exists within and as all of us <a href="https://eqafe.com/tag/interdimensional-races">existentially</a>.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and others as I have driven myself within my desire to manifest my ideas of what a perfect scenario is - unfortunately, my utopias have been created and managed from a starting point of separation and a backwards perspective about equality and oneness - they have only included a select few and not everyone.<br />
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my vision and ideas about the way things could be. limit whom I <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/sharing-perfecting-the-human-race-parenting-part-54">share</a> it with, and also limit my potential as the one to lead the way because of my fear of making a mistake and <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/can-you-ever-lose-yourself-life-review">losing</a> it all. I realize that I must stop making emotional and feeling attachments to all of these for me to be able to open up, <a href="https://eqafe.com/p/using-doubt-to-build-trust-in-yourself-reptilians-part-382">trust</a>, and express myself.<br />
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Self-correction and self-commitment statements to follow.</div>
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Carriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08756028377099110138noreply@blogger.com0