Thursday, August 22, 2013

Day 153: The Writing Ho-Hums

Over the past couple of weeks, I have had a great amount of resistance to writing.  I have been experiencing 'blankness' where I would usually have something to write about at all times.  Many of the points that emerge throughout my day are either being directed or have easy, practical solutions.  For the other points, I tell myself that it may not be best to share and that it would be better for everyone if I walked these points in private.

In general, I have not been motivated to push myself.  Like the wind is out my sails.  I did not realize until recently how much I have relied on others to keep me motivated - and now I see just how much I have been relying on others to do this for me when that outside motivational support is no longer here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my resistance to writing.  I accepted my 'blankness' and/or told myself that it would 'go away' and that I would be back to myself with topics to write about again.  I thought that I needed a break - that, maybe if I took a breather that I would soon have many things to write out and about.  So, the days passed and nothing changed - I did not have any 'pressing' points emerge that I felt a desire to write about.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to go deeper into my process of understanding myself because of fear.  Fear of what others will think, fear that I'm not directing 'new' points effectively, and fear that the things that I would like to write about will cause backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself as hard as I was pushing before because my relationships and daily living have become very stable where I am now able to support my family and others in a way that is best and I'm self-supporting myself with practical, common sense solutions.  I have been so accustomed to everything being a shit-storm during my existence and using this as my only point of self-motivation that when and as there is no longer uncontrollable chaos and turmoil in my immediate world, I see no reason to have to change anything else.  If it 'ain't broke, don't fix it', right?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the fear of not being liked or causing problems/discomfort with others instead of not allowing this fear to influence me and to continue writing regardless.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my desire to keep the darker stuff about myself private is in-fact me not wanting to expose this stuff to myself.  Why open up a can of worms when I've finally gotten some relief?

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Day 152: Bernard is Dead. Now What?

Bernard Poolman died on Sunday, August 11, 2013. Like many others, I experienced shock and I asked, “How could this happen?” I had been considering for several weeks what would happen if he did die and I concluded that it simply would not happen. I reasoned that he was in good physical condition, that he took care of his body, and that the world needs him. In my mind, I imagined that he would be with us here until we were certain that each being had a life worth living and that until that time, he would not rest. I imagined that some day, when we get this done, that he would be free - free to rest and maybe even free from the pain that he lived with. This was the initial point that emerged when I heard of Bernard's death and it was shocking because this was not how imagined it going! This is not the way it was supposed to be! As a group, we were going to have our happy ending, damnit! No, no, no!

After this, I allowed myself to go into my thoughts and I got caught up in my dramas for several hours. My DIP buddy was here for support and the group was writing out their processes of remaining stable which assisted me in stabilizing myself. About mid-day today I made the decision to not participate in the random thoughts that were coming up and the self-pity, self-judgment, regret, blame, and emotional reactions stopped. None of my reactions changed anything anyway - I'm still here, I'm still breathing, Bernard is still dead, and our world still messed up. So, now what?

I realize that Bernard was a point of support. He has walked the process of self-forgiveness that we are now walking so he could see where we're at and give practical perspective on where we could direct ourselves more effectively. It's clear that we've been shown all of the tools to give ourselves this level of support and when and as we face a point that requires another's perspective, we have each other and the Desteni Forum.

Bernard was really good at showing us responsible decisions. He's shown us the same points time-and-time again and in as many ways as possible. It is all here and documented in the Creations Journey To Life blog and his v-logs. Now we must walk the points presented and realize them for ourselves.

I realize that any other defined relationships that I connected to Bernard are points that I must bring back to and give to myself.

With these realizations, the answer to 'now what?' is: I stand. And here I state my commitment to the Desteni group, being a part of bringing to reality a world that is best for all, and continuing with my process of self-awareness.

So, thanks for the support, direction, and down-to-earth explanations Bernard. And thanks for the wake-up call! It was really cool having you here with us.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Day 151: Fear Is Useless

While communicating with another, I saw that a fear of not being good enough emerged as a thought where I told myself that I am not educated to the level required to be equal to another.  What I was doing here is comparing myself to another and then judging myself as less than because there was a point that I simply was not familiar with.  This shows me that my starting point was dishonest because I did not approach the communication as a discussion but rather from a point of competition and proving that I am right - so, when I saw that I may not be right, this created instability within and as me where I go through the information and knowledge that I have stored as evidence that I can present to prove my position so that I do not have to face the fact that I do not have all of the understanding required, that I was missing parts that needed to be researched, and that I would actually have to put in the effort to do the research in order for the communication to continue moving.

Instead of seeing the simplicity in the experience as, "here is what I must research next", I went into my mind and made this much more difficult than is necessary where I make all sorts of assumptions, justifications, arguments, plans for ways in which I do not have to change, and all sorts of distracting inner-dialogue.

More and more I see how absolutely useless fear is other than showing me what I have accepted and allowed.  Allowing myself to exist in fear and get caught up in it with the consequences of this allowance is one of the worst uses of my time that I can see.  At the end of the day, it changes nothing - I am still here, I am still breathing, and I still have this point to direct.  Just because I found every reason I could possibly come up with for myself to not have to face the fear does not mean that the fear magically disappears!  No, it is still here and if I do not sort it out, it will continue to accumulate and influence me.

Additionally, I see that I can later use this fear as a reason to self-sabotage and back out of my objective to be a part of creating a world where every child born has a life worth living - which will most likely set me back and set me up to become angry at myself for not acting when I had the opportunity to do so.

As I have written this, it is interesting to see how I have completely inflated something simple with fear, competition, comparison, judgment, reactions, justifications, projection, assumptions, and resistance to change.  It is clear how important the process of writing is where I take something from the instability of my mind and bring it here to the physical world of stability where I can actually direct something and change it.

Check out the Free Downloads from EQAFE!

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Day 150: Fine-Tune Instead of Tuning-Out

Part Four of Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements for Self-Forgiveness on Day 145: Hearing What I Want to Hear.  Part Three is here, Part Two is here and Part One is here.

When and as I see that I have stopped hearing when and as I am in a situation, event, or change that I experience as uncomfortable, not understanding, nor having confidence in my ability to take responsibility for, I stop and I breath myself back to hear.  I see, realize, and understand that when I stop hearing, I have gone into my thoughts, reactions, fears, Ego and imagination rather than taking the opportunity to take a self-inventory of myself during this moment where a self-dishonesty emerged.  Instead of escaping into my mind where I cannot hear, I allow myself to breath and investigate myself.  In relation to this point of practically supporting myself to live my commitments and responsibilities self-honestly, I direct myself to write out what it is that is that I would like to do, the possible ways that it can be done, and the pros and cons as this will assist and support me in making a decision that is practical, considerate of the consequences, and best for all.

I commit myself to improve my hearing by assisting and supporting myself to work out problems in a practical, common sense way rather than immediately reacting with fear, escaping into my thoughts and imaginations, and making decisions for and as my Ego.  In relation to situations, events, or changes, I commit myself to utilize the writing process for integrating commitments and responsibilities that are important to me and/or assist and support myself with being self-honest and cool with myself. 

When and as I see that I am allowing myself to change, interact, have an experience, or learn from the world because of my immediate reactions of fear, I stop, breath, and slow down my processing.  I see, realize, and understand that these specific social fears that I have are created by memories of not being liked, being left out, or not being a part of the group.  As with my other childhood memories, this is the past that I am accepting and allowing myself to live in and not here.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that having these fears aren't necessary for me to participate with a group and that in-fact, group participation is MUCH more easier and enjoyable when and as I let my fears and memories go.  I continue to remind myself that my memories are not Who I Am and I assist and support myself to self-forgive myself for accepting and allowing these memories to change anything about Who I Am, how I relate to others, my stability, my common sense, and my perspectives.

I commit myself to stop allowing fear-based memories to define and/or change Who I Am, how I interact, what I experience, and what I learn from others, the environment that I am in, and the world by reminding myself that my memories are the past and it is not necessary that I live in the past nor use them to define my future - Who I Am is here, in this moment of breath.  As an additional level of self assistance and support, I utilize the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction for the points of fear-based memories that I am not effectively directing so that I can research the parts of myself that require removal, re-alignment, re-definition, and/or re-direction.