Friday, August 14, 2015

Day 217: If you're wrong, are you going to tell everybody?

I was watching a video on YouTube recently and the individual speaking asked the question, "If you're wrong, are you going to tell everybody?"

I found this an interesting question because points came up immediately in my mind where I was showing myself my history with being wrong, knowing that I have been wrong, and not wanting others to see it. I saw a fear of losing face - as though being wrong would diminish, discredit, or make me look unreliable or not worthy to particpate in the goings-on with life. I saw how this fear had become so ingrained into myself that I would go to great lengths with deceptive explanations of how I couldn't possibly be wrong. My twisting of the information was oftentimes so effective that I could convince others of my validity and within this, almost convince myself. Almost I say because my memory of myself in situations with others is not difficult for me to access and even easier to trigger. 

So, my question for myself is: why do I expect that others come forth and admit they are wrong when I have not yet developed the integrity and humbleness to do the same myself? And deeper, looking at the memories that I've connected to 'being wrong' and with that, the automated fear response, how is that I can expect others to transcend themselves as their memories and push through their fears when I have continued to allow the existence of my memories and fears, accepted them as being me, and allowed them to influence me?

Within this, I realize that when I have called others out as 'being deceptive' or 'deliberately withholding information' or 'not being truthful', is the pot calling the kettle black. I realize there is no understanding when I have had thoughts or voiced statements like this - I have separated myself from the indivuals and/or situation, I have not mirrored back to myself, and I have not taken responsibility for where is exists within and as me.

I see that I have got it in my mind that it's perfectly acceptable to call them out, show them how they are wrong within my morality system, and pardon the language ... to be a fucker about it. I realize this is my Ego, though, because in reality when I approach a situation or individual with understanding and already taken responsibility, I am gentle and introspective.