Day 145: Hearing What I Want To Hear

I continue to hear, "You're not doing enough.  You need to do more."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when I hear that things are not going the way that I anticipated - and that it's caused by lack of participation and not meeting commitments.  I tell myself that I must be the one that's not doing enough and that this message is for me and for others like me that don't participate and/or possibly not contribute as much as others toward a goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, "You're not doing enough," and "I'm not doing enough," to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not doing enough - In my mind I have a quota of tasks that I would like to complete on a daily basis that I tell myself would satisfy me 'doing enough'.  So, if I am not meeting every task that I tell myself are the basics that I should be doing every day, then I tell myself that I'm "not doing enough" and show myself within my imagination what would make me better, good enough, and doing enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger at myself for not living up to my imagined expectations of myself doing enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my anger at myself for not living up to my imagined expectations of myself doing enough.  Instead of being honest with myself that I am in-fact angry at myself, I tell myself that someone else is 'the problem' and allow other unsupportive backchat.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take the time required to sit down and restructure my living after some changes.  I have not allowed myself to structure and re-direct myself in a self-honest way so that I am not longer reacting to hearing what's not being done or what needs to be done.  Instead, I allow myself to move from one polarity to another without actually deciding on anything - and this is a problem - I get caught up in my mind cycling through justifications and/or reasons for my emotions, inner-conflict, and other instabilities rather than simply making the decision and be done with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear, "You're not doing enough. You need to do more," as a way to flee and not take responsibility so that I never hear what is actually being communicated.  I only hear what feels good and if what's being communicated feels bad, I tune it out using a myriad of excuses, reasons, justifications, backchats, and blame-projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop hearing rather than taking a practical inventory of myself so that I could come up with a stable plan.  I stop hearing because it's a quick and easy way out of anything that I do not feel comfortable with, do not understand, and do not experience confidence in my abilities to take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change and/or stop how I interact, experience, and learn from the world because I fear not surviving the situation - others may stop liking me and may kick me to the curb - this terrifies me because when I was a child, being left out, being left behind, or not being apart of the group was horrible.  So, instead of allowing myself to be here without fear where I can hear, I allow my past to haunt me - a past that doesn't even exist anywhere else but in my Mind.