Sunday, June 10, 2012

Day 21: In Love, All Are Replaceable (part 3/3)

Continuing Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction from: Day 19 and Day 20 of In Love, All Are Replaceable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and have faith that a Soul Mate exists/existed for me 'somewhere out there' - I have told myself:  1) The perfect person will come to me, save me, protect me, and that we would live out our existence in this life, the next and the afterlife within our perfect, spiritual-Soul union/re-union.  2) That there is only ONE person/soul in the entirety of existence for me and that one person/soul would make me complete. 3) That if I waited, was patient, and did not look for my Soul Mate/Twin Soul that they we would naturally find each other as it was destined and pre-planned by ourselves that we would be together again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a polarity trap as a result of myself allowing myself to hope, believe, have faith, and to pray that there is Someone-THE ONE-Out There-Somewhere-Only For Me And Only Me For Them-Spiritual Re/Union-Twin Soul Mate-That Would Save Me-And All Would Be Balanced And Whole In My Life.  Where, I would go into each new relationship with the positive, hopeful idea that 'This Could Be The One', compare the relationship to what I had established in my mind as how I would experience myself when I 'found the one', and then become disappointed, graven, and see myself as a failure to myself and my soul because I did not have a mind-blowing, surreal, and religious experience that transcended me to the heaven's in white-light orb of perfect, spiritual-soul union.  When I was within this negativity for telling myself that I had failed/mis-directed myself, I would question myself where I went 'wrong' and tell myself that I must not be ready, that I was not yet worthy of this perfect love union, or that perhaps I was not one of those that are lucky enough to have a Twin Soul Mate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the 'Religious Experience' that I had when my relationship began with my current partner, was a complete Mind-Job that I created via YEARS of wanting and desiring a Close-To-God experience as a result of my finding The One.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as better, more knowledgeable, and as an example via my positive words and catharic physical expressions of/from/as A Person That Has Found Their Twin Soul Mate.  This projection of myself made me feel better about myself because I saw myself as giving others Hope that there was Someone Out There For Them and at the same time, it eased the doubt, disappointment, and uncertainty that I was carrying around with me that I did not in fact, find my Twin Soul Mate.  I have not seen until now how this was yet another game of competition where I would demonstrate and project myself as A Winner and Someone To Look Up To because the feedback from others would quiet my insecurities and satiate my Ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT be honest with myself and others that I in-fact, have had 'one foot out the door' during almost if not all of the relationship where I tell myself, almost every day, that this relationship is 'not right for me', is not working, and so I need to walk away or none of us - my partner, myself, those I care for - will not be stable nor have a chance to understand what Happiness Really Is.  I have not seen how I have sabotaged any potential of a life-partnership with another because of my unreal expectations that do not exist anywhere else but in my mind as my imaginations and fantasies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that because I have not been honest with myself about my unreal expectations that exist within my mind, showing myself as existing as judge and jury as back-chat, that I have continued to allow myself to blame my partner for ANYTHING between/within/as us/our relationship that does not go how I have told/programmed myself how it SHOULD go.  So, the truth is, when I tell myself and others that I am not blaming my partner anymore and that I am taking responsibility for myself, this is not self-honest communication.

I commit myself to removing the expectations that I have built up and layered within me that cannot be practically lived within this physical reality.

I commit myself to stop looking, scanning, and hunting for qualities, values, and ideals within others that could potentially match and/or co-exist with me.

I commit myself to stop presenting myself as my mind and physical body via verbal and non-verbal communication in a way that is specific to attracting many potential mates for myself to put 'to the test'.

I walk my self-commitments as follows:

When and as I see that I am extracting qualities, values, ideals and/or potential from others to determine if they are compatible with myself, my qualities, values, ideals, and/or potential that I see as being myself within/as of my mind, I stop.  I breath.  I realize that anything that I tell myself that I am/SHOULD BE based on how I am currently existing as memories, thoughts of myself, and judgements, are points that I am required to walk with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.  Thus, instead of ACTING on that which I have allowed myself to become as a living expression of myself, I direct myself to stopping the act and to walk through the thoughts, memories, fears and judgements that I have created the act FOR with self-forgiveness and self-correction.

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