This week I have been walking some points in relation to the ups and downs that I experience while in actual and imagined physical sexual relationships with another. It was a crazy time within myself - there were moments when I experienced my insecurity lows so intensely that I became completely possessed by and obsessed with finding anything or anyone outside of myself from which I could get a positive high. Getting a positive high is easy for me as I have created a social network from which I can get my positive energy high addiction needs in any moment. The highs never lasted and in the end, nothing had changed - from my high, I would go right back into a low of self-doubt, distrust, assumption, rejection, and unworthiness.
It was quite a shit-storm I've been walking. And I had committed myself to seeing it through and thus seeing myself as who I have been and what I have been accepting and allowing myself to create and participate in. As I began my journey, I was scared as I had seen consequence as a 'bad thing' that must be avoided at all costs. I'm glad that I did not avoid my consequences. I am glad that I pushed myself to walk myself within myself as an observer of myself as I use my mind as a tool from which I can understand my starting points within the relationships that I create - the Eye Twitching Interview became available at a perfect time and I strongly suggest this series for any of us walking our relationships with others.
So. Half-way through my process of getting caught up in what I had defined as 'Love', with the extreme highs and lows, I was pacing, distracted, and struggling within my body with pain, anxiety, frustration, ego, ecstasy, and excitement, I forced myself to the computer and began to write self-forgiveness. As I was pushing through the reactions as emotions and feelings, it became clear to me that the sensation of 'Love' that I was experiencing within my stomach and parts of my body are the same sensations that I experience when I am startled, begin to panic, am faced with a phobia, or become intensely fearful. From this realization, I continued to test this 'Love' sensation and compare it with the 'Fear' sensation. And there was never any differentiation between the two.
It became clear: Love, as I have defined it, is not happy, wonderful, blissful thing. Love is a fear reaction. Suggest testing it for yourself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT stop and slow myself so that I could see and understand that my physical reaction that I have accepted as love is, in physical fact, the exact same reaction that I have when in fearful, scarey, phobic, and/or panic situations or events.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that a fear reaction 'must be love' because it is accompanied by positive energy highs and negative energy lows which I have equated to 'being in love' via my self-accepted programming from TV, movies, books, and observing others within my physical world who I have witnessed within this 'love' experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself become energized and excited by the flushed faces of confused, vacant, numbed, surreal and/or elated fellow human beings who are within this cycle of high-low love and thus desiring the experience for myself so that I can become what other human beings are when in love. I have not allowed myself to see the price that we humans pay in tears, self-doubt, distrust, and physical pain so that we can have a moment of ecstasy, numbness and the surreal experience that assists in our acceptance, allowance, and beliefs of this reality not being real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use love as a means to separate and distance myself from this real, physical world. When I am within my self-interests and within the high-low cycle of love, I am not seeing what is here - I am in my mind as thoughts and fantasies and in my body as fear. I have not seen that as long as I continue to allow myself to not be present because I am thinking and fearing, the longer it is going to take me to understand and stand as/for what must be done as a solution for life.
It is quite cool that I can look at Love as I look at Fear as we Destonians are looking at, facing, and taking on our fears every day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fearful within my relationships with others because I am afraid of losing others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself if I lose others because I have allowed myself to tell myself that I am rejected, not wanted, not desirable, not good enough, and not worthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misuse and abuse the word 'Love' where if and/or when and as I hear the words, 'I love you' from another, I equate this to myself as being accepted, wanted, desired, secure, and/or special which is only a temporary solution for my fear of loss. I have not allowed myself to slow myself and see that my fear of loss continues to linger, quietly in the background within my mind where I am required to be soothed over and over over and over again with positive feedback as what I have defined as 'loving expressions'.
When and as I see that I am considering placing myself within a high-low fear-love experience via a relationship that I have created with someone or something outside of myself, I stop. I breath. I sit. I self-forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to create for losses that I can fear.
When and as I identify my fears of loss, I write and/or speak my fears of loss with self-forgiveness statements and self-correction - I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to walk with, through, and thus out of my previously programmed definitions of love so that I can discover what love practically and eternally is as can be lived for/from/by my self.