Day 207: Fear of Missing Out

THERE IS ACTUALLY A CURE.
Understand the fear, take self-responsibility for accepting and allowing the fear in the first place, change your perspective, and re-direct your decisions and physical movements to align with your utmost potential.

Something that I've noticed coming up a lot for me lately is the idea that I'm missing out on certain things in my life.  I see where this mind-set has been a part of me for a very long time, though, I didn't really start paying attention to it until recently.  So, last night I went to EQAFE and typed 'Missing Out' in the search bar and came up with several interviews that could potentially be supportive.  Based on the descriptions that were in alignment with the points I've been looking at, I decided to listen to I Fear Missing Out - Life Review and Missing Out - Fears & Phobias.  Interestingly enough, I have also been sorting out some relationship issues and see that My Perfect Partner Lives in My Mind (Part 1) - Life Review is among the interviews that popped up and I see how that could be supportive so I'll listen later.  For the moment, I'll be focusing on looking at the points that came up while listening to the first two interviews.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this in any of my previous blogs but when I was kid, my parents didn't usually allow me to do the things that my friends were doing as I was restricted to my room for months (or years) at a time, my parents would flat-out say, "No," or they would say, "Yes," and then I would get in trouble somehow and they would then tell me that I couldn't go.  I would always be hopeful that things would be different with each new opportunity that came up to be out with friends - that my parents would say, "Yes," and stick to it or make an exception to my restriction and within this, imagine all of the fun I would have.  This RARELY ever happened though.  Further, when my friends would talk about all of the fun that they had - the fun that I was not allowed to participate in - I remember seeing myself as 'left out' and I experienced a great deal of frustration and anger at both my friends and my parents because I had not been able to live out the good times that I had imagined in my mind.  And further, I saw no way that I could fix the situation and as hard as I worked on 'being good' so that I could do the things that other kids were doing, I'd usually make a mistake somewhere and the opportunity would be 'taken away'.  I blamed my parents for being too strict and not being understanding of me - and I blamed myself for always finding a way to screw things up.

Even after I moved out and became independent from my parents, I have continued with this seeing myself as 'missing out' - whether it's been in personal relationships where things don't go as awesome as I imagined and/or as I had planned them being or as a young mother not being able to do the things that others my age were doing.  I see how this fear of missing out has influencing my relationship with time, my moment-to-moment decisions, work, socializing, and even how I eat and what foods I choose to eat.

At the end of it all - my reason, excuse, and justification for not changing is that I see myself as the victim in all of this - like, I'm stuck and forced into going along with whatever my mind, others, and the world decides for me.  Like, I'm being punished over-and-over again and have no control over that which obviously, is not true.

In the next blog, I will begin the self-forgiveness process and see what comes up as I get deeper into understanding the problem and releasing myself from the pattern.

Day 158: The Bully

"I worship, admire, look-up-to, follow the lead of, and place myself in loyal relationships with those that fit into my idea and/or imagination of Rock Stars, The Best, and/or Perfected because I tell myself that if I am associated to/with these individuals, that this sends a message to all that this is Who I Am as well which gives me instant access to the positive feeling charge of Acceptance." - Care's Journey To Life, Day 157: The Rock Star!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by The Bully in my mind where: I tell myself that if I am not accepted, that I am not popular or that if I cannot influence others that I am a failure - a failure to myself and others. I determine my value by the amount of relationships that I am able to accumulate, manage, and control. Instead of managing the direction of my own life to realize myself to my potential and within this acquiring self-acceptance and allowing myself to see my value as a life equal to all others, I beat myself up time-and-time again because I believed this is what I must do to survive in what I see as complete chaos and confusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully others and be bullied by others. I have not investigated this point, why it exists, and why I allow it to exist even though I see clearly that the nature of bullying is to inflict harm. I have not questioned it but instead gone along with it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to observe my mind in action because it is here that the origin point of my acceptance and allowance of bullying is shown to me clearly. If I had questioned the thoughts and self-diminishing words that I belittle myself with instead of forcing myself to believe they are true, I would have stood up and seen that bullying exists in my external world because it exists in my internal world as I bully myself in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that as long as I allow myself to bully myself, I will allow others to be bullied by myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my fear of loss of acceptance from an external source. Because of my acceptance and allowance of this fear, I rarely took risks for others and I never took risks for myself to assist and support myself and others in seeing our potential as simply an expression of life and exploring what we can do here. No, I was fearful of what others would think of me or how they would react if I were 'different' - which is actually my own fear of what I will be and who I will become if I let go of what I know and go into the unknown/undefined.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look at how Bulling benefits me. It is obvious that Bullying assist me in feeling better about myself when I place myself as superior over others - but what else? What about when I am Bullied? Or what do I have to gain by controlling others with the same abusive tactics that I practice on myself? Who do I think that I am? Why would I not want who I am and how I do things questioned?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to STOP BULLYING - just get rid of it completely - because it's something that I hold near and dear as to maintain my individuality regardless of whether I am the bully, I'm being bullied, or I'm bullying the bullies. Is my individuality worth it? Did I really work that hard to create myself into the person that I Am? And am I really that special and unique that I need to be preserved and to never ever change or make changes?

Day 157: The Rock Star!

 

"Here is where I began to see why I ignored my physical signs because I was caught up in this idea of myself as having to preserve my individuality as a Rock Star.  Where, in my professional world, this label was given to me, I liked it, and I desired to preserve this because of the doors it opened for me and within this the experience of accomplishment and confirmation of my ability." - Care's Journey To Life, Day 156: Unwinding


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to align myself with the Words Rock Star and the positive meaning that have attached to these words.  In my mind, a Rock Star pushes their physical limits effortlessly, is the best at what they do, stands as a shining beacon, and has a bunch of 'fans' that constantly and continuously give them positive feedback about their performance.  So seeing a Rock Star in a positive light and wanting to be associated to this image so that I could experience myself in this positive way with all the perks that come with it, I pushed myself and forced myself to always be better than the day before.  I see that it's cool to realize my potential for myself however, my starting point was my desire for acceptance, positive feedback from my external world, to make a name for myself, and to insure that I do not miss out any opportunity that would benefit me as an individual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself from a point of fearing failure instead of from a point of self-curiosity and self-discovery where I test to see what I can do and how I can better improve myself - for my own self and not for any external reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself and/or place myself in a relationship with things and people that I see as Rock Stars, The Best, or Perfected as per my mind's idea or these archetypes.  I worship, admire, look-up-to, follow the lead of, and place myself in loyal relationships with those that fit into my idea and/or imagination of Rock Stars, The Best, and/or Perfected because I tell myself that if I am associated to/with these individuals, that this sends a message to all that this is Who I Am as well which gives me instant access to the positive feeling charge of Acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate this attraction to others whom I Want To Be into and as me to such an extent that it is now an automated behavior.  I have been on autopilot and have not questioned it.  Why would I?  This automation has benefited me time-and-time again - with as little as effort as possible and minimal risk.  So, while I am busy squeezing myself into anothers image and likeness so that I can hide from putting in the effort required to establish self-acceptance, nothing changes.  I ignore anything and anyone outside of my immediate self-interested drive - including my self-communication, others that I do not want to be identified with because they are a mirror of my self-judgment, and the world that I am trying to control by refusing to face it.

From a parental perspective, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show children to do the same as myself.  I encourage children to attach themselves to Super Heroes, Rock Stars and those that look Perfected and like they are The Best in hopes that they will become or be like that imaginary person so that I can say, "I created this person and this person is me." So, as an additional insurance of my acceptance from my external world, I encourage the child to be what I want to be so that I can continue living in the image and likeness of others because it's easy, there is little-to-no risk, and requires much less effort than actually developing myself or showing a child how to develop themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this Hero Worship that we accept and allow ourselves to imprint upon ourselves is the reason why our world is structured the way it is with many on the bottom and one at the top. Where: the one at the top - The Hero, The Rock Star, The Best of the Best, The Perfected Human Being has the money,the resources, the education, and the career. And instead of doing what is required to make sure that all realize their potential, including ourselves, we worship them, we work for them, we accept ourselves as less-than them, we drive ourselves to be like them/be associated with them, allow ourselves to be influenced by them, and enter into a Master-Slave agreement to survive. All because we never once questioned why the world is structured like a pyramid and have not looked at the consequences of our fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of not being accepted, fear of change, and fear of risking anything.

Day 155: Automated Parent

"When I heard my bone POP, I told myself that I 'really effed myself up this time' and I was aware of why: In spite of the fact that my body had given me plenty of warning and in spite of the consequences I have walked in the recent past for being too hard on my body, I made a decision to repeat a pattern."

When I heard my bone POP, I told myself that I 'really effed myself up this time' and I was aware of why: In spite of the fact that my body had given me plenty of warning and in spite of the consequences I have walked in the recent past for being too hard on my body, I made a decision to repeat a pattern. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/09/day-154-im-broken.html#sthash.6aiiYA7c.dpuf

Care's Journey To Life, Day 154: I'm Broken.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fracture and break my ankle bone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'really effing up this time'.  I see that I am often unnecessarily hard on myself because I believe that punishing myself with Words or thoughts makes a mistake better or more acceptable somehow - which, it never does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself as an emotional reaction to my judgment of myself.  I tell myself that I am taking responsibility for myself by being angry and disappointed at myself, my thoughts, my words, and my actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I am repeating and recreating myself as the judgmental and controlling Parent where I judge myself as 'in the wrong', I react in disappointment and anger,  and then expect some sort of show of remorse.  I have accepted and allowed this parenting tactic to such an extent that it has become automated.  I do not question it - even though in the end, when it is all said and done and I have inflicted mental and emotional harm on myself, nothing changes and nothing improves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of self-judgment and to ask WHY I have accepted and allowed self-judgment to exist within and as me so that I can assist and support myself to stop bullying, diminishing, and belittling myself and actually get into the process of developing self-acceptance, self-respect and preventing mistakes from repeating. 

Day 141: Is ADD Real?

 

Is ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) Real?

Yes. ADD is a real, actual physical experience of limitation. In 1982, I became aware that 'something was missing' when learning fractions in the 4th grade and I could physically feel that my brain was not making the connections required to comprehend the material. In addition to not being able to make connections, I also had other behavioral issues such as: being 'off in the clouds', being disruptive at home and in-class, being 'out-of-control', impulsive, and aggressive. When I was a child, Psychologists had not yet started diagnosing anyone with ADD - in-fact, I was not diagnosed until I was 20 years old. So as I was growing up and being educated, the adults in my world were frustrated and so I was almost always in some sort of trouble. I was the kid in school who was often sent out of the classroom and made to sit in the hallway.

Unfortunately, my learning process was difficult to understand as those in my immediate environment were fast learners that excelled in school. And to make matters worse, my report cards often said something similar to: Carrie is intelligent and she could do so much better if she would apply herself.

I'm certain there are many that can relate to the report card.

Anyway, in my next blog I'll be going into the different therapies that I tried throughout the years as well as their effectiveness. And after that, showing how the way that I manage my living did not change until I began studying Eqafe learning materials, working on the Desteni 'I' Process courses, and participating with a group that is taking responsibility for themselves.

Relative Power Z-Score Maps from Quantitative Electroencephalography (QEEG)

Differences in activity in normal and ADD children
The brain maps on the left (1&2) are of normal individuals: a 14 year old female and 9 year old male. The ones on the right (3&4) are ADD individuals: a different 14 year old female and a different 9 year old male. Notice how the two ADD individuals (3&4) demonstrate high (more red) Theta and Alpha activity in their maps than do the normal individuals, respectively. High Theta wave activity is generally associated with drowsiness; High Alpha activity is generally associated with idleness. The ADD results (3&4) are characteristic of states of non-attentiveness, and too little stimulation of the reticular activating system, and probable inadequate number of connections. Thus the ADD/LD child can effectively "tune-out" his/her environment. In contrast, the normal children's results of low Alpha and Theta wave activity (1&2) are characteristic of alertness and focused attentiveness, demonstrating adequate stimulation of the reticular activating system, and thus, an adequate number of neural connections.

 (http://www.drugfreeadd.com/default/index.cfm/our-programs/add-adhd/medical-evidence/)

Day 134: What Are Ghosts? Are Ghosts Real?

For the past few weeks I have been writing in a parenting blog about the process of developing anger prevention within my living.  I will be continuing with the dimensions of the Helpless Victim Character here shortly.  For the moment, I'm taking a break from both writings to write about The Quantum Mechanics of Paranormal Events - Part 3 which can be purchased at Eqafe.

This interview was sent to me as a gift today which was quite cool because I've had a lot of questions about the existence of ghosts, poltergeists, spirits, and other beings 'beyond the veil'.  And it was extremely supportive for my understanding of my many experiences with these beings throughout my life as it answered how these beings got here, why many of them were trapped, how/why they could be seen, what they were attempting to communicate, and how us humans in the physical world could have better assisted and supported them.

As I mentioned, ghosts, poltergeists, and spirits have been a point that I have been faced with for most of my existence here.  These experiences began when I was 7 years old and continued to intensify as I got older.  I have several spine-tingling ghost stories that I have enjoyed sharing with others through the years and within these, I often share the experiences of others who were there to witness what I had.  It was a wild ride - and in truth, I existed in absolute terror because I never knew what was going to happen each night nor how frighteningly insane it was going to be.  Also, because these experiences not only happened when I was alone but when others were around as well, I saw myself as helpless, unsafe, and vulnerable to unseen attacks that could lead to my death.

For the longest time, I was driven to find the answers to why I experienced these paranormal events, what these beings actually were, why they were here, and why they were in some places but not in others.  Within my search for answers, I would submerge myself in books about the subject and shows like Ghost Hunters and Celebrity Ghost Stories in an attempt to understand and to identify with others who had similar experiences to mine.  However, this never assisted me in understanding what was really going on, what the problem was, and how to actually direct the problem because the only 'answer' given was to get the being 'into the light'.  How could I get the being into 'the light' if I could not see 'the light' - which, apparently, the gift of 'seeing the light' is a gift that only a select few have.

So, it's really a shame that I allowed myself to react with such intense fear and traumatized myself with this fear instead of breathing, investigating, and seeing my responsibility within the creation of these beings so that I could have directed the point and taken the opportunity to assist and support other beings rather than trying to run from them or looking for ways to evacuate them from my living space.  

In the end, this interview assisted me in realizing why it is best to not be afraid of or ignore the things in my world that I see as  beyond my capacity to understand or do anything about.  It's pointless, really, because I'm going to have to face what I've accepted and allowed in one way or another and I'd rather face the consequence and apply practical solutions now instead of allowing the problems to accumulate to the point of no return.