Day 158: The Bully

"I worship, admire, look-up-to, follow the lead of, and place myself in loyal relationships with those that fit into my idea and/or imagination of Rock Stars, The Best, and/or Perfected because I tell myself that if I am associated to/with these individuals, that this sends a message to all that this is Who I Am as well which gives me instant access to the positive feeling charge of Acceptance." - Care's Journey To Life, Day 157: The Rock Star!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by The Bully in my mind where: I tell myself that if I am not accepted, that I am not popular or that if I cannot influence others that I am a failure - a failure to myself and others. I determine my value by the amount of relationships that I am able to accumulate, manage, and control. Instead of managing the direction of my own life to realize myself to my potential and within this acquiring self-acceptance and allowing myself to see my value as a life equal to all others, I beat myself up time-and-time again because I believed this is what I must do to survive in what I see as complete chaos and confusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully others and be bullied by others. I have not investigated this point, why it exists, and why I allow it to exist even though I see clearly that the nature of bullying is to inflict harm. I have not questioned it but instead gone along with it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to observe my mind in action because it is here that the origin point of my acceptance and allowance of bullying is shown to me clearly. If I had questioned the thoughts and self-diminishing words that I belittle myself with instead of forcing myself to believe they are true, I would have stood up and seen that bullying exists in my external world because it exists in my internal world as I bully myself in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that as long as I allow myself to bully myself, I will allow others to be bullied by myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my fear of loss of acceptance from an external source. Because of my acceptance and allowance of this fear, I rarely took risks for others and I never took risks for myself to assist and support myself and others in seeing our potential as simply an expression of life and exploring what we can do here. No, I was fearful of what others would think of me or how they would react if I were 'different' - which is actually my own fear of what I will be and who I will become if I let go of what I know and go into the unknown/undefined.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look at how Bulling benefits me. It is obvious that Bullying assist me in feeling better about myself when I place myself as superior over others - but what else? What about when I am Bullied? Or what do I have to gain by controlling others with the same abusive tactics that I practice on myself? Who do I think that I am? Why would I not want who I am and how I do things questioned?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to STOP BULLYING - just get rid of it completely - because it's something that I hold near and dear as to maintain my individuality regardless of whether I am the bully, I'm being bullied, or I'm bullying the bullies. Is my individuality worth it? Did I really work that hard to create myself into the person that I Am? And am I really that special and unique that I need to be preserved and to never ever change or make changes?

Day 141: Is ADD Real?

 

Is ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) Real?

Yes. ADD is a real, actual physical experience of limitation. In 1982, I became aware that 'something was missing' when learning fractions in the 4th grade and I could physically feel that my brain was not making the connections required to comprehend the material. In addition to not being able to make connections, I also had other behavioral issues such as: being 'off in the clouds', being disruptive at home and in-class, being 'out-of-control', impulsive, and aggressive. When I was a child, Psychologists had not yet started diagnosing anyone with ADD - in-fact, I was not diagnosed until I was 20 years old. So as I was growing up and being educated, the adults in my world were frustrated and so I was almost always in some sort of trouble. I was the kid in school who was often sent out of the classroom and made to sit in the hallway.

Unfortunately, my learning process was difficult to understand as those in my immediate environment were fast learners that excelled in school. And to make matters worse, my report cards often said something similar to: Carrie is intelligent and she could do so much better if she would apply herself.

I'm certain there are many that can relate to the report card.

Anyway, in my next blog I'll be going into the different therapies that I tried throughout the years as well as their effectiveness. And after that, showing how the way that I manage my living did not change until I began studying Eqafe learning materials, working on the Desteni 'I' Process courses, and participating with a group that is taking responsibility for themselves.

Relative Power Z-Score Maps from Quantitative Electroencephalography (QEEG)

Differences in activity in normal and ADD children
The brain maps on the left (1&2) are of normal individuals: a 14 year old female and 9 year old male. The ones on the right (3&4) are ADD individuals: a different 14 year old female and a different 9 year old male. Notice how the two ADD individuals (3&4) demonstrate high (more red) Theta and Alpha activity in their maps than do the normal individuals, respectively. High Theta wave activity is generally associated with drowsiness; High Alpha activity is generally associated with idleness. The ADD results (3&4) are characteristic of states of non-attentiveness, and too little stimulation of the reticular activating system, and probable inadequate number of connections. Thus the ADD/LD child can effectively "tune-out" his/her environment. In contrast, the normal children's results of low Alpha and Theta wave activity (1&2) are characteristic of alertness and focused attentiveness, demonstrating adequate stimulation of the reticular activating system, and thus, an adequate number of neural connections.

 (http://www.drugfreeadd.com/default/index.cfm/our-programs/add-adhd/medical-evidence/)

Day 140: I Need Adderall: Requirement, Addiction, or Justification?

With the assistance, support, education, and the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction I was able to let go my dependence on Adderall and the fear that I could not survive or 'be okay' without it.  In this post, I'm showing how this was done.




Writing

I have defined myself as An Addict – I say, “I Am An Addict”, and in my world this is perfectly acceptable to be An Addict and all that is required for one to gain acceptance is to admit it – and once one as admitted it, it becomes one’s justification for participating in activities that are considered ‘bad’ for oneself. It has been easy for me to be An Addict.

I have defined myself as addicted to several things.  I have often told myself and others that ‘if there’s something to be addicted to, I will be addicted to it’.

I am currently working on my addiction to Adderall and my obsession with this drug consumes me - so I will be focusing specifically on this point.

Every day that I wake up without Adderall, I begin with the thought and expression of myself as, “different day, same crap” – without this drug I experience myself as unsatisfied, unfulfilled, unmotivated, unhappy, and complacent. My general attitude is sarcastically as ‘yay – another day, woopty-doo, I wonder how much weight I’ve gained –today-!’. I do not want to leave my home and I am bored with the tasks that I participate in while being in my home.

I make a decision at several points during my day to not call up and have my prescription for this drug filled at the pharmacy and I do this because of the commitments that I have made to myself as well as to show my self that I can stop this addiction with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am addicted to Adderall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and justification that I am addicted to Adderall to not stop taking the drug and when/as I am not taking/consuming the drug, I use this excuse and justification of myself being addicted to think about the drug and think of reasons to start taking the drug again so that I do not end my relationship with/to the drug. I tell myself: I am addicted to Adderall, I need it to be ‘okay’, I can’t stop this addiction, and I need this drug to gain control over my life/my body because my life/my body is out of my control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I Am An Addict and thus, within and as myself telling myself this I act out the part of an addict where I express myself as needing a drug, like Adderall, to make it through my day, my daily tasks, my job, and my over-consumption of food. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached the Word Addict to the Word Adderall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself and others, “I am addicted to Adderall – I am an addict,” where I tell myself within and as myself that I speak and play-out the part of ‘Admission of Guilt’ that I will not have to take responsibility for my decision to take Adderall, I will not have to change, and I can go back to taking it whenever I like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to Adderall because I told myself that it ‘could happen’ and gave myself permission to form an addiction to the drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replace Adderall with Sugar which I am well-aware is of almost equal harm to my physical body as Adderall. Within my walking this process of removing Adderall from life forever, I see that I punish myself with the sugar – I am aware that I feel physically like crap after I eat sugar and that I experience pain and discomfort in my digestive system – and yet, I continue. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand why I punish myself with sugar consumption.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt for abusing my body with Adderall – where a specific, observable indication of my abuse is my teeth that darkened, changed shape, began to break/rot, and became painful. Unfortunately, I never allowed myself to be shamed by the harm I caused my physical body because of the extent of separation I have created with my physical body where I see it as a separate entity for/from me. And thus, because I never allowed myself to be a shamed for what I have done, I have not changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself because I what I did to my teeth and ignored the problem – angry that I lost a tooth (a body part) and angry because of the amount of money I have had to spend to get my mouth healthy again because of the crippling pain. Within this, I am angry at myself that I had to live through an extensive amount of pain that pretty much had me unable to function before I directed myself to do anything about the problems in my mouth.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that ‘being angry’ at myself changed nothing in my application because I would still take Adderall if I saw a loophole and I would again not take care of my physical body within the justification and excuse that: It’s too expensive, I don’t have time, or I just can’t for whatever reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consequences of my Adderall abuse – even after I did research on Meth-Salts which are an ingredient in the drug and found that it can be linked to Parkinsons Disease. Because I don’t want to give the drug up and desire the physical/mental/emotional positive effects of the drug, I hurt myself, my physical existence, and the future quality of my physical existence – the future consequences of my actions/decisions are easy to ignore because I tell myself that, “I will be fine,” and that “I’m healthy. I never get sick. I am strong.” And that, “I age slower than others so I have more time to play with.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with ‘having to give up’ my Adderall addiction – where, because I did not want to let this point go, I continue to bring it up over-and-over again in my writing. I blame almost all of my problems on myself stopping taking Adderall – my weight gain, my lack of ‘energy’, my ‘not caring’, my lack of motivation to get up in the morning, my not wanting to participate with others in my world, my not wanting to exercise, my not wanting to leave the house, my not getting big projects done around the house, and my depressed ‘mood’. Because I am blaming my problems on something outside of myself, I am not standing – and as long as I allow it to continue, I will never establish self-acceptance and self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that, “I had to give up Adderall,” as if someone outside of myself was making me do it. When, in fact, it was a direct decision that I made to stop taking it because of the damage it can cause to my physical body, my self-development, and my standing as an example of a responsible, trustworthy human being. I have not seen, realized, nor understood that because I am separating myself from my decision to change, I am not allowing my decision to ‘stick’ because if I allowed myself to stick to my decision, I would change. And I don’t want this – what I want is an easy, ‘for now’ way out instead of the having to face myself.

Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that, “I had to give up Adderall,” for someone/something outside of myself as a means to not take responsibility for myself if I fail because if I decided to start taking Adderall again, I can say to myself, “I did not do this for ME. I did this for THEM. And until I do this for me, there’s no point in bothering to give up this point.” I have not seen nor realized that I have programmed myself to give up on my decisions and my commitments to live a specific way that is best for me because I have accepted this – I have heard it MANY times where we tell one another over-and-over-again, “If you’re doing this for someone else and not yourself, it will never work – you’ll just go right back to it.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself and others, “If you’re doing this for someone else and not yourself, it will never work – you’ll just go right back to it.” I do not see, realize, nor understand when I do this that I am giving myself and others a backdoor out of our commitments and life decisions – For myself, I am making it ‘okay’ for me to fail so that I do not have to experiencing myself negatively within guilt, shame, anger, or the imagined verbal abuse of my inner personalities. I have never allowed myself to embrace my guilt, shame, anger, self-abuse, and the personalities that exists within my mind because I have told myself that it is ‘too painful’ and pain is BAD – and anything BAD must be resisted, ignored, run-away-from.

Yesterday, I found an empty bottle of my Adderall prescription on my jewelry box – it was odd because it looked like it had been ‘placed’ there. I saw the bottle and immediately got excited, “I wonder if there is anything left in there? Did my partner find this and leave it out for me? Am I being tested to see how I will react to seeing the bottle? Does my partner want me to start taking this again – is he in hopes that if I see this bottle that it will trigger me to call up the pharmacy and re-fill it?” I held the bottle ‘lovingly’ in my hands, opened it up, I looked in and then ran my finger around the inside to see if there was a ½ of a pill or maybe some ‘crumbs’ – nothing. I smelled the bottle, and again nothing. I sighed, put the cap back on, and dropped my shoulders – I was a mixture of sad and missing it - I missed the relationship I had with the drug which I connected to a life without the pain, anger, and disappointment of being overweight.

I see that I have associated Adderall with giving me the ONE thing that I have always wanted for myself since I was very young and that is to have a normal-sized body – I was able to achieve this in a matter of months and I was free from a life-long experience of outside judgment, bullying, and non-acceptance. This is something that I have not been able to give myself – I have been on special ‘diets’ ever since I can remember – none of them worked. As I gain weight back, I experience constant fear, physical discomfort as my physical freedom to move diminishes and obviously, I make myself emotional within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to Adderall to give me something that I have not given myself. I have not been patient and have always wanted immediate results – and within this, I have not allowed myself the time to stabilize myself and my body and instead say to myself, “I will deal with this later, tomorrow, when I get a day-off, or when I get some time.” Which, I never do. So the problem accumulates because I do not give myself the opportunity to change/make changes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotion of ‘Sad’ to lack-of/missing Adderall. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself as longing/wanting/needed/craving Adderall where I allow my relationship with the drug to have power over me and change me mentally, emotionally, and physically in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience lacking and a deep void within myself in which I further experience myself as hopeless because of my desire for Adderall. I want to escape the pressure, the stress, and the physical discomfort that I feel in my body and see in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I take Adderall that the experience I have in/as my physical body is more aligned with my physical mind-body – when I am on Adderall I move my physical body extremely fast, I have constant physical reactions through-out my days, I am on High, I perceive myself as having an unlimited amount of energy, I communicate well with other’s as mind-consciousness systems, and I tell myself how good I feel and that this makes me happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a drug to force my physical body to align with my physical-mind-body – Instead of considering and/or allowing myself to work on aligning my physical-mind-body with my physical body where I am moving myself to make change rather than relying on an outside source. Additionally within this, because I never worked at aligning my physical-mind-body to my physical body, I have not tested to see if I could make a change with myself that is lasting – unlike drugs where I need to take them every day or twice a day to maintain my alignment.

Realizations

I see, realize and understand that I am not really addicted to Adderall. I am using the Word Addicted to justify myself wanting, needing, and desiring the drug so that I can have an excuse for myself to start taking the drug again because when/as/if I start taking the drug again, I tell myself that all I have to do to accept myself within my decision is to tell myself and others, “I am not in-control of this. This is stronger than me. It has power to give me something that I am not able to give myself. I need this to be okay.”

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using the Word Addicted to explain an experience of myself within want/need/desire where my want/need/desire is so strong that I tell myself that I may not survive/be stable without it.

I see, realize, and understand that I have connected Adderall to myself experiencing myself positively and because I do not like to experience myself negatively, it is easier to call up, get a prescription, go the pharmacy, fill it, and in the matter of moments, escape that which I see is negative about myself and my living. Via my Journey To Life blog, I have found that this is part of my pattern that locks me into not changing or considering a ‘way out’ so it’s best to stop it.

I see, realize, and understand that Adderall damages my physical body – and even though I am not aware of all the consequences of this abuse at the moment, I have investigated and found that use of amphetamines can cause/lead-to Schizophrenia and Parkinsons Disease. Additionally, I have been told that the drug ‘ages’ the body – and this is something that is definitely not best for myself as I have lots of work to do here before I leave this physical existence.

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using Adderall to give to me what I have not allowed me to give to myself – specifically in regards to the body-size/shape that I am most comfortable. Suggest here for me to continue to investigating this point for myself as I am seeing that the problem may not only be with my food choices and/or the quantity of food that I eat – it is also linked to the amount of stress that I have allowed to accumulate within/as me.

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using Adderall to force my physical body to align with my mind and my systems that I live in – and thus, I see a cool opportunity here to work on aligning my mind and my systems to my physical body.

Self-Correction

 

When and as I see that I am telling myself that I am addicted to Adderall, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is me justifying my wanting, needing, and desiring to start taking the drug again and not taking responsibility for the point. Instead of allowing myself to separate myself from my wanting, needing, and desiring to take Adderall, I direct myself to take the opportunity to explore points that I may have missed by breathing, slowing myself down, and investigating the process that led me to wanting/needing/desiring the drug as I see, realize, and understand that I have had a negative experience of myself that I am trying to escape from.

I commit myself to stopping myself from trying to escape from a negative experience of myself with the assistance of Adderall by allowing myself to actually experience the negative of myself so that I can work on understanding my negative experiences – within this, I will stabilize myself with breathing and assist and support myself with writing and self-forgiveness.

When and as I see that I am telling myself that I need Adderall because I have become or may become unstable, I STOP. I BREATH. I see, realize, and understand that I am able to stabilize myself by breathing and that this is better than any drug because it is here with me, it actually keeps me alive, and the effects are lasting and supportive.

I commit myself to question my wants, needs, and desires as I see, realize, and understand that I created these attachments and ‘lack of things’ in my mind. Within this point, I will continue to investigate myself and find out what I am not giving myself/allowing myself to have/punishing myself and why.

When and as I see that I am wanting, desiring, needing, considering, and/or thinking about calling in a prescription for Adderall because I am experiencing myself negatively – I STOP. I see, realize, and understand that I am facing my pattern that I have committed myself to stopping. I do not call, I do not seek out the drug, and I do not accept the drug if it’s offered to me. Instead, I breath until I am stable and then assist and support myself with writing out my negative experience and self-forgiving myself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from automatically telling myself that the only solution to my instability is Adderall – I see, realize, and understand that the solution to my instability is to stabilize myself with breathing – this is not something outside of me, it is something with/in/as me that I will have with me until I die. Instead of looking outside of myself for ways to stabilize myself, I re-direct myself remain here with myself and BREATH – this is ‘faster-acting’, more effective, and last longer than any drug.

When and as I see/hear myself showing/telling myself that I am in great health, that I am untouchable by disease, and that I do not age so it’s ‘okay’ to take Adderall because the reported consequences do not apply to me – I stop. I see, realize, and understand that even though I am not aware of the consequences at this moment, that there may be damage at a level that I cannot see. Also, as I see my world, I see that consequences are happening sooner than later and that it’s best not to get caught up in these consequences IN ADDITION to the daily consequences/tests that I am faced with – to allow this to happen would essentially be me giving up on myself.

When and as I see myself experiencing discomfort with myself within/as my physical body and thus consider Adderall as a possible solution to make myself comfortable – I stop. I remind myself that I do not need a drug to make comfortable. I breath and allow myself to be here with my physical discomforts as I see, realize, and understand that what I am physically experiencing is nothing to be afraid of, I do not have to separate myself from it, and it’s not weird – in-fact, being here with/in/as my physical body is a cool way to see how well I am doing within my process of sorting out and managing my life.

I commit myself to stopping myself from automatically telling myself that there is an easy way out for me – that everything will get easier for me if I call in my prescription for Adderall and that it’s ‘okay’ – I will do this by reminding myself that I have chosen to walk my process here – and yes, it is not easy but a ‘way out’ is self-dishonest and delusional. And from here, I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction until I have established a point of self-trust.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to place myself in a position of where I could get ‘caught up’ in Adderall again – I do not look for it and I do not accept the drug if it’s offered to me. When and as I struggle with this and/or am in a position of where I could potentially compromise myself on this point, I say, “No,” and remove myself from the temptation. Within this, I continue to work on points that emerge with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction until I am no longer struggling and/or in conflict with myself about saying No to Adderall.

When and as I see that I am attempting to force my physical body to move at the speed/frequency/vibration of my mind and/or my physical world by either considering taking drugs or creating an energy high for myself, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is pointless – for one, doing this to my body hasn’t really improved much in my world/my mind and two, going faster creates much more work for me later as it takes a lot more time to stabilize my body/my life than it would if I were to breath and move forward steadily.

I commit myself to aligning myself as my mind to my physical body and stopping myself from forcing my physical body to align with myself as my mind by allowing myself to be here in/as/with my physical body, breathing, and ‘getting toknow’ myself with/in/as my physical body as I see, realize, and understand that it is here in my physical body that I can check myself, test my progress, and/or communicate with myself about points that I must be self-honest with myself about.

Day 137: Adderall or Life?

In the next several blogs I will be sharing the process I've walked with Adderall and some perspective, realizations, and research that I have found in relation to ADD and ADHD.

Adderall is a drug that is prescribed for ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and Narcolepsy.  I was able to get a prescription for this drug because I have been diagnosed with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) by a Psychologist.

What IS Adderall?

Amphetamine and Dextroamphetamine Mixed Salts or simply Amphetamine Salts sold under the brand name Adderall.


When I took Adderall, I experienced alertness, sociability, happiness, irritability, a significant weight loss, a rush of relief and a general feeling of being able to make it through my day and be okay.

The Problem of Adderall

I decided to stop taking Adderall for many reasons with the most important being that the drug was not supportive for my physical body and there was an increased risk of speeding the aging process and developing Parkinsons disease later in life.  When I made my decision, I was at a point in my process where I saw that it was time for me to choose whether or not I was going to use my time here to the best of my physical and mental ability and whether I would be a part of Life or not.  I chose to be here for as long as possible and to not speed up the process of death so that I could be a part of the change for a New World. Additionally, I had become addicted to the drug as I had convinced myself that I could not function normally in the world without it.

The Solution

I took 1-2 pills per day on-and-off for about 3 years.  After I had made my decision and my bottle of pills was low, I began taking 1/2 of a pill twice a day and then 1/2 to 1/4 once per day until the bottle was empty.  I did not call in to have my prescription re-filled.  It was within this time that I began assisting and supporting myself with writing, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction.  I also was given full support as well as an education about Addiction via my Desteni I Process lessons.  When and as other points related to desiring Adderall emerge, I get support, I work on my self-realization process, I refine my self-correction, and I apply myself.

The Reward

Because I am no longer accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on the drug or tell myself that I require the drug to survive in this world, I no longer make excuses, justifications and reasons for my continued use of a substance that is harmful to my physical and mental health.  This self-limitation is being removed.  I no longer experience the side-effect of irritability with myself because I made a self-honest decision that was best for myself and who I would like to be.  I am no longer taking a chemical that makes everything feel good or that fixes what I see as problems - instead, I am facing the points that come up and supporting myself with investigation, asking questions, testing answers, writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.



In the following posts, I will be sharing what's been walked so far.

Day 136: Guarding My Thoughts and Words

When and as I see myself reacting to a topic, situation, or event within which I experience a compulsion to speak, I stop - I place a guard on my thoughts and words.  I do not participate - I remove myself if I must, get myself stable with breathing and then write out the topic, situation, or event and what I am seeing as a problem within the topic, situation, or event.  From here, I self-forgive for why I am reacting and what I want to say - which, I see, realize and understand is actually what I want to say to myself and work out a solution for. 

I commit myself to stop speaking when and as I experience a compulsion by allowing myself to be aware of myself within and as compulsion as indicated by imaginations that play into my fear, increased blood-pressure, movement in my solar-plexus, and jerky physical movements. 

I commit myself to further practice perfecting putting a guard on my thoughts and words by allowing myself to slow myself down so that I can stop myself when and as I am faced with a physical, mental, and/or emotional reaction. 

When and as I see that I am putting myself in-conflict with myself as indicated by the amount of thought, effort, time, justifications, and reasons for my actions, reactions, and my allowance of myself existing in-conflict with myself and others, I STOP.  I see, realize, and understand that this self-dishonesty takes a lot more time and effort to keep up and/or maintain and that it is best to make it simple for myself by taking a moment to write out what's going on and bring the points that emerge within this back to myself with self-forgiveness.

 

I commit myself to stopping placing myself in-conflict with myself by re-Minding myself that it takes a great deal more effort and time to justify my actions with reasons for 'why I did what I did' - additionally, I re-Mind myself that any reaction that I have after a thought is a response to fear -- that my thoughts are showing me who/what I am and because I fear what I am showing myself, I attempt to separate myself with a reaction when and as I say, 'Oh, that's not me ... let me show myself why'.

Within this,
I commit myself to watch my thoughts and to investigate where these thoughts are coming from by allowing myself to slow myself so that I can actually see/hear my thoughts and then look-back at my memories which will assist and support me in seeing and understanding where my thoughts are actually coming from and why. 

Day 123: How Could You Do This To Me? -- Self-Commitments

Traumatic Event 1 - Part 4

Day 120: How Could You Do This To Me?
Part 2 - Day 121: Self-Forgiveness 
Part 3 - Day 122: Self-Correction
In this blog, I am walking Day 123: Self-Commitments





I commit myself to stopping my participation play-outs with/as/in my memories where instead of allowing myself to participate, going-all with, and imagine ideal outcomes, I commit myself to re-direct my memories to writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I commit myself to stopping my projecting my past experiences, memories, events, and traumas onto others as pre-determined blame, opinion, and assumption.  I commit myself to re-mind myself that when I project I am self-communicating and, instead of separating myself from this communication, I bring this communication back to myself where I investigate myself within this communication, write it out, self-forgive, and self-correct.

I commit myself to stop punishing myself with my past experiences and memories by first reminding myself that the past is not here - it is done, it does not define me, and there's nothing I can do to change the past.  Additionally, I commit myself to remind myself that me going back to my past over-and-over-and-over again is another point of self-communication that I am trying to ignore rather than become equal-to and change myself that it does not happen again in the future.    I commit myself to stop hiding from myself, allow myself to write out my past experiences, my participation in my past experiences, my reactions to my past experiences, and to take responsibility for myself within and as my past experiences with self-forgiveness.  From here, I commit myself to write self-correction and self-commitment until my past experiences no longer direct/move me and it is done.

I commit myself to stopping myself from defining/re-defining personalities/characters with 'if-then' statements by reminding myself of my commitment to stopping myself from attempting/trying to change and/or rescript my past experiences, events, and memories.

I commit myself to stop attempting/trying to force others into pre-defined supporting characters within seeing, realizing, and understanding that this is pointless, causes conflict, and sets me up for disappointment.

I commit myself to stop looking for apologies, remorse, regret and 'I'm sorry', from others outside of myself by assisting and supporting myself to give this to myself with self-forgiveness where I take responsibility for my thoughts, mind-participation/acceptance/allowance, my reactions, and my decisions that have physically and mentally caused me harm.

I commit myself to investigate ways of caring for myself, creating a safer environment for myself, and strengthening my self-trust.  Within this, I commit myself to assisting, supporting, and standing for a solution that will provide this care, safety, and self-trust for everyone.

Day 99: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 12

Continuing here with Self-Commitments.
For other posts within my Journey To Life Review - Day 1, see:

Day 98: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 11

Day 97: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 10 

Day 96: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 9
Day 95: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 8
Day 94: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 7
Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6
Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5

Day 91: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 4

Day 90: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 3

Day 89: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 2

Day 88: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 1

I commit myself to stopping myself from placing unreal expectations on others within the realization that the consequence of myself projecting my ideal relationship on to another is myself experiencing emotional reactions such as disappointment, grief, frustration, and doubt.  Additionally within my process I have come to understand that within this projecting my desires onto others that I am timelooping as I have been doing this for most of my existence and nothing has improved or matched my imagination.  Within this, I commit myself to (for)giving myself what it is that I am looking to separate from myself and project on to others.  I bring it back to myself.

I commit myself to stop attempting to walk others processes for them by bringing the points back to myself, working with what I am given, and not taking what I experience with others as personal. When points emerge that I have walked and am clear within,  I will assist and support others with these points - as I have been assisted and supported.  And I will remind myself the only person one can change is oneself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from believing the thought, "This is impossible.  Nothing is going to change," by not allowing myself to follow the thought nor give the thought any validity with 'proof', 'reasons', and/or 'assumptions' that make it true/real for myself.  Instead, I assist and support myself with writing and self-forgiveness to understand what is behind the excuses like, 'This is impossible," and within this commit myself to shutting those back-doors out.

I commit myself to stopping myself from fighting for my 'individuality' by assisting and supporting myself with writing, self-forgiving, and self-correcting my 'I Am' thoughts and internal statements.

I commit myself no longer allow myself to fear 'being committed' to a mental institution as I have come to understand that those that are committed to mental institutions are a threat to life and as long I continue to walk my process, follow through on my self-commitments, and stand up when faced with consequence of what I have accepted and allowed as a responsible, dedicated human being with integrity than this fear cannot be a reality for me.

Additionally, I commit myself to releasing myself from such fears as 'being committed' as I see, realize, and understand that it is my acceptance and allowance of these fears is how I make it possible for myself to become 'crazy', 'out-of-control', unstable, and possessed - within this commitment, I will use the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to assist and support myself to release these fears.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to use my fears as an excuse to not stand up, change, and take responsibility for myself and my world.  When and as I am faced with my fears, I breath through my fears, I stand up, and do what must be done.

I commit myself to stopping myself from accepting and allowing myself to move myself into the past and future with and as my fears as I see, realize, and understand that this is myself as my mind directing me from here and breathing.  When and as I see myself moving forward and backward in Time to flee from an experience of myself, I stop, I breath and I bring myself back to here and investigate the negative experience of myself within my memories that I'm running from and/or suppressing and I apply self-forgiveness as this will assist and support me to actually change.

I commit myself to stop 'humoring myself' as a reaction to my fears where I will tell myself that I am 'funny' or 'quirky' to 'save face' for myself instead of standing up and facing my fears.

Many more self-commitments to follow.

Day 85: What If I Die In My Sleep? - Part 3

Continuing from Day 82: What If I Die In My Sleep? and Day 84: What If I Die In My Sleep? - Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money.  Bringing this point back to me dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not have enough money to cover the expenses of myself dying unexpectedly in my sleep – afterall, I had simply planned on going to sleep and waking up after a few hours, I did not plan on dying and so, I did not prepare for my body to be taken care of when I no longer could.  And this takes money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not having enough money’ to fear of dying in my sleep and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spending money.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spending money because if I die unexpectedly and I have spent all of my money; there will be no money to fulfill my end of the financial responsibilities – my funeral expenses, my son’s education, my home, my bills, the care of my animals, the disposal of my material possessions – all of these things will become the financial burden of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘spending money’ to fear of dying in my sleep and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my money will be stolen.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that this fear of my money being stolen is equal-to and one with my fear of dying in my sleep in that it is an unexpected event that I cannot control that would place me in a position of having to look to another to assist with/take on the burden of my financial commitments and responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘my money being stolen’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to afford to pay my bills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to afford to pay my funeral bills and/or bills that may accrue after my death that I see myself as responsible for handling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to afford my bills’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have to compromise myself to make money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to afford my funeral/death bills’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have to compromise myself to make money so that I can die with a ‘clear conscious’ – because I experience guilt for not having yet placed myself in a financial position where all that I am responsible for here will be taken care of when and as I die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘self-compromise to make money’ and ‘self-compromise to make money to die’ to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing money.  Bringing the point back to dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I die in my sleep unexpectedly without having a legally documented and signed plan for where my money/possessions/assets will go, that I, as my family, will lose that money that I see as their ‘right’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘losing money’ to fear and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to make money.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to make the money required to support my family in the event that I die unexpectedly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to make money’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not being able to make enough money to support my family in the event if I die unexpectedly’ to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I die unexpectedly that my family will lose our home, not have enough food to eat, have no clothes, not be able to support our animals, not have enough money to keep a vehicle on the road, be forced to place Hunter into a mainstream school system, lose/be forced to sell everything that we’ve worked for and be labeled as ‘poor’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘lose our home’, ‘not enough food’, ‘no clothes’, ‘lose animals’, ‘no running vehicle’, ‘Hunter in mainstream school system’, ‘lose/sell all that we have labored for’, and ‘labeled as poor’ to fear.  And thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what may happen in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what may happen in the future if I were to die unexpectedly – I see, realize, and understand that my fear of the future if I were to die unexpectedly is based on past experiences that I expect will occur or might occur again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I have watched others go through during my existence when and as a family member that the other family members count on as income to survive dies unexpectedly – over and over and over again in my world I have seen this – I have seen this in families, I have seen this on TV/movies/media, and I see others outside of myself preparing themselves and their finances in anticipation of this dying unexpectedly in the future point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my expectations of ‘the future if I were to die unexpectedly’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that fear of the future equals fear of death and fear of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that in the future my family will have no money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘my family with have no money in the future’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that in the future that I will get old – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that in the future that I will get old and die in my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘getting old and dying in my sleep in the future’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot change the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘cannot change the future’ to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

Day 82: What If I Die In My Sleep?

Here I am sharing writing and self-forgiveness for my Fear of Dying In My Sleep. For previous writings in-relation to my walking the point of death, see: Honest Parent Dec 22 2012: On Death

Recently, a family member died from a heart-attack in their sleep.  It was assumed that the family member died painlessly.  I did not buy into this because a comedian on TV described a different scenario of those that die in their sleep – that, what in fact happens is that one wakes up from sleeping, grasping at their chest and gasping for air until they die and fall right back into the place that they were sleeping prior to their heart-attack – alone, looking as though one had died ‘peacefully’ with no one wiser to their pain.  Later, a woman described to me how her husband had woken up from sleep and suffered a heart-attack – she watched him die, she said she was powerless, and that it was horrific. 

So, when I heard from my partner that my family member died of a heart-attack in their sleep and that all assumed that the person had ‘probably slept right through it’ with the reasoning that they had diabetes, I did not for one moment believe this.  Within my mind, I saw my family member waking from sleep, grasping at their chest and neck with fear while they tried to get air into their lungs until they died, falling right back into the position that they had been sleeping in.

Physically, I crossed my arms in front of me, set my jaw, and watched my partner’s features for any physical indication that he was not convinced about the ‘painless story’.  Not seeing any, I questioned myself, ‘…perhaps diabetes would numb the heart area and maybe this person didn’t feel any pain … maybe they did sleep through it …’ I communicated this to my partner and he confirmed that diabetes could have numbed the pain, which is why the family member didn’t wake up.

Either way, in the end, I had a faint graven image of my family member in my mind – curled up in the fetal position on their side in bed and gray.

They are dead. 

I have always had a fear of dying in my sleep because I have feared that if I died in my sleep that I would get lost in my dreams and that it would take me a long time to find my way back to myself or back to ‘home’.  Also, where I am now, I do not want to miss any detail of my death.  When I die, I want to be aware that I am in fact dying and not suddenly wake up in someplace where I don’t know where I am or how I got there.  Additionally, I’m always afraid that I’m going to ‘miss out on’ or lose an opportunity for an experience that others have and/or had.

·          

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose myself, within this implying that I am able to ‘get lost’.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible for me to be lost within the realization that I am here always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘lose myself’ to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing myself in my sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect losing myself in my sleep to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my life while I am sleeping.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect losing my life while I am sleeping to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing the physical experience of death because I am sleeping, dreaming, and/or not aware.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing the physical experience of death because I am sleeping, dreaming, and/or not aware’ to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing – even at death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing – even at death’ to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself changing at death – whether it be in my sleep or otherwise, however I get there – where because I have defined myself by my characters, the way I look, the people that I know, the ‘things that I own’, and my physical reality, I fear losing this work that I have done to create the characters, the look, the relationships with people, and the ‘things that I own’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to that which I have accepted and allowed to exist separately from me within my world and thus, within and as that separation, I believe, show, and tell myself that when I die, all of those parts that I have separated myself from will be gone from me forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in placing myself in material and emotional possessions in my world, where if I were to physically die, I would be gone, I would go, I would disappear, I would forget/be forgotten – I can’t handle that; I have to control my experiences and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and control my experiences and my world because as long as I am able to control my experiences my world, I see that I am in control and I do not have change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a method of control in my world where I manipulate, lie, tell part-truths, avoid, create conflict, speak knowledge and information, blame and enforce guilt to control the human beings in my world to keep them locked-in to the way that I want them to be so that I do not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might lose part of myself if I change.  And bringing this point back to my fear of death and dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose the human beings and physical materials that I control and possess – everything that I know that I can control with my methods of control, are gone when and as I physically die and thus, lose myself and how I have come to define myself within and through that which I have separated myself from.  I see death as the ‘ultimate change’ – the BIG change, the inevitable change that can happen at any moment and the where, when and how of my death is the unknown variable that I cannot control and instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is myself communicating to myself about my negative fear of losing everything if I change, I tell myself that ‘to die would be a great adventure’ positively and then ‘it happens when it happens’ as means of ‘settling’ myself within a neutral standing in which I express my living as, ‘I have no power or control so I accept’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing parts of myself when and as I change from being here physically to not when I physically die’ to fear and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that changing from being here physically to not being here physically will be difficult, painful, hell, torture, frightening, and confusing.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood this is me communicating to myself about my perspective and living expression within and as the point of change – my ‘not wanting to’ and resistance to changing is actually myself self-sabotaging myself with fear of difficulty, pain, hell, torture, fright and confusion – and because I have accepted and allowed this fear to exist within and as me in relation to change, it has in-fact become my relationship with change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘changing being difficult, painful, hell, torture, frightening, and confusing’ to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to change.  Bringing this back to death and dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I die in my sleep that I will fuck up death too – that I will lose out on that moment because I was sleeping, sucked into my mind, and not aware.  Additionally, I fear that after my physical death that I will not be able to change and that I will continue to repeat the same patterns over-and-over-and-over again, not ‘get it right’, and be lost for eternity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changes in my environment where ‘my environment’ in relation to death is:  I fear that I will catch a disease from my environment/my living/others that I cannot control that would be ‘the end of me’ and kill me. As my mind where I negatively tell/show myself that I cannot control others and the diseases that others spread so I must control myself by positively demonstrating myself as ‘above disease/others with disease’ and so neutralize my physical environment with separating myself from others when there is a ‘flu’ going around and neutralize myself and the environments that I control with chemicals that kill diseases.  I have not seen nor realized that the chemicals that I use to kill and/or neutralize disease in my environment can also kill me – and thus, fearing changes in my environment that could kill me manifests changes in my environment that can kill me.  Additionally, until now, I have not seen, realized, nor understood just how vicious, dangerous, and physically abusive neutrality is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear leaving this physical existence forever – and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being in a non-physical existence because I have no fucking clue how the here-after functions, how it works, what the ‘rules’ are, how it ‘looks’ and how I must change myself to not be lonely for eternity.  Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death because I fear that I will never be able to come back here within and as this physical existence – because this physical existence is ‘all that I know’ and ‘all that I have defined myself within and as’, I cannot imagine any other existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘changes in my existence’ to fear of The Unknown and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing/adapting to the beings around me in the here-after – if there are any beings around me at all.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear any changes in the beings in the here-after – where, I become uncomfortable and insecure when I try to imagine what beings in the here-after are/will be ‘like’ because my mind cannot ‘wrap itself around’/see/make a connection and/or relationship to that which I, as a mind consciousness system have never had an experience with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘changing/adapting to the beings around me in the here – after, if there are any beings around me at all’ to fear.  And thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing because my fear of being alone – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have to change my ‘role’ within existence over-and-over again.   Where I’m seeing the here-after as hard-work that one CAN NOT simply just ‘settle’ into one position, master the position, and make a choice later on of whether one stays within their position or if one moves on.  I am scared that I will have to live many ‘illusionary’ lives in the here-after to their fullest potential and once this is done, as I am about to live a life of enjoyment and fun, I will be removed/removed myself and placed/place myself within and as another.

Continuing with Self-Forgiveness in my next entry.