Day 158: The Bully

"I worship, admire, look-up-to, follow the lead of, and place myself in loyal relationships with those that fit into my idea and/or imagination of Rock Stars, The Best, and/or Perfected because I tell myself that if I am associated to/with these individuals, that this sends a message to all that this is Who I Am as well which gives me instant access to the positive feeling charge of Acceptance." - Care's Journey To Life, Day 157: The Rock Star!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by The Bully in my mind where: I tell myself that if I am not accepted, that I am not popular or that if I cannot influence others that I am a failure - a failure to myself and others. I determine my value by the amount of relationships that I am able to accumulate, manage, and control. Instead of managing the direction of my own life to realize myself to my potential and within this acquiring self-acceptance and allowing myself to see my value as a life equal to all others, I beat myself up time-and-time again because I believed this is what I must do to survive in what I see as complete chaos and confusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully others and be bullied by others. I have not investigated this point, why it exists, and why I allow it to exist even though I see clearly that the nature of bullying is to inflict harm. I have not questioned it but instead gone along with it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to observe my mind in action because it is here that the origin point of my acceptance and allowance of bullying is shown to me clearly. If I had questioned the thoughts and self-diminishing words that I belittle myself with instead of forcing myself to believe they are true, I would have stood up and seen that bullying exists in my external world because it exists in my internal world as I bully myself in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that as long as I allow myself to bully myself, I will allow others to be bullied by myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my fear of loss of acceptance from an external source. Because of my acceptance and allowance of this fear, I rarely took risks for others and I never took risks for myself to assist and support myself and others in seeing our potential as simply an expression of life and exploring what we can do here. No, I was fearful of what others would think of me or how they would react if I were 'different' - which is actually my own fear of what I will be and who I will become if I let go of what I know and go into the unknown/undefined.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look at how Bulling benefits me. It is obvious that Bullying assist me in feeling better about myself when I place myself as superior over others - but what else? What about when I am Bullied? Or what do I have to gain by controlling others with the same abusive tactics that I practice on myself? Who do I think that I am? Why would I not want who I am and how I do things questioned?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to STOP BULLYING - just get rid of it completely - because it's something that I hold near and dear as to maintain my individuality regardless of whether I am the bully, I'm being bullied, or I'm bullying the bullies. Is my individuality worth it? Did I really work that hard to create myself into the person that I Am? And am I really that special and unique that I need to be preserved and to never ever change or make changes?

Day 140: I Need Adderall: Requirement, Addiction, or Justification?

With the assistance, support, education, and the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction I was able to let go my dependence on Adderall and the fear that I could not survive or 'be okay' without it.  In this post, I'm showing how this was done.




Writing

I have defined myself as An Addict – I say, “I Am An Addict”, and in my world this is perfectly acceptable to be An Addict and all that is required for one to gain acceptance is to admit it – and once one as admitted it, it becomes one’s justification for participating in activities that are considered ‘bad’ for oneself. It has been easy for me to be An Addict.

I have defined myself as addicted to several things.  I have often told myself and others that ‘if there’s something to be addicted to, I will be addicted to it’.

I am currently working on my addiction to Adderall and my obsession with this drug consumes me - so I will be focusing specifically on this point.

Every day that I wake up without Adderall, I begin with the thought and expression of myself as, “different day, same crap” – without this drug I experience myself as unsatisfied, unfulfilled, unmotivated, unhappy, and complacent. My general attitude is sarcastically as ‘yay – another day, woopty-doo, I wonder how much weight I’ve gained –today-!’. I do not want to leave my home and I am bored with the tasks that I participate in while being in my home.

I make a decision at several points during my day to not call up and have my prescription for this drug filled at the pharmacy and I do this because of the commitments that I have made to myself as well as to show my self that I can stop this addiction with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am addicted to Adderall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and justification that I am addicted to Adderall to not stop taking the drug and when/as I am not taking/consuming the drug, I use this excuse and justification of myself being addicted to think about the drug and think of reasons to start taking the drug again so that I do not end my relationship with/to the drug. I tell myself: I am addicted to Adderall, I need it to be ‘okay’, I can’t stop this addiction, and I need this drug to gain control over my life/my body because my life/my body is out of my control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I Am An Addict and thus, within and as myself telling myself this I act out the part of an addict where I express myself as needing a drug, like Adderall, to make it through my day, my daily tasks, my job, and my over-consumption of food. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached the Word Addict to the Word Adderall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself and others, “I am addicted to Adderall – I am an addict,” where I tell myself within and as myself that I speak and play-out the part of ‘Admission of Guilt’ that I will not have to take responsibility for my decision to take Adderall, I will not have to change, and I can go back to taking it whenever I like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to Adderall because I told myself that it ‘could happen’ and gave myself permission to form an addiction to the drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replace Adderall with Sugar which I am well-aware is of almost equal harm to my physical body as Adderall. Within my walking this process of removing Adderall from life forever, I see that I punish myself with the sugar – I am aware that I feel physically like crap after I eat sugar and that I experience pain and discomfort in my digestive system – and yet, I continue. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand why I punish myself with sugar consumption.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt for abusing my body with Adderall – where a specific, observable indication of my abuse is my teeth that darkened, changed shape, began to break/rot, and became painful. Unfortunately, I never allowed myself to be shamed by the harm I caused my physical body because of the extent of separation I have created with my physical body where I see it as a separate entity for/from me. And thus, because I never allowed myself to be a shamed for what I have done, I have not changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself because I what I did to my teeth and ignored the problem – angry that I lost a tooth (a body part) and angry because of the amount of money I have had to spend to get my mouth healthy again because of the crippling pain. Within this, I am angry at myself that I had to live through an extensive amount of pain that pretty much had me unable to function before I directed myself to do anything about the problems in my mouth.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that ‘being angry’ at myself changed nothing in my application because I would still take Adderall if I saw a loophole and I would again not take care of my physical body within the justification and excuse that: It’s too expensive, I don’t have time, or I just can’t for whatever reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consequences of my Adderall abuse – even after I did research on Meth-Salts which are an ingredient in the drug and found that it can be linked to Parkinsons Disease. Because I don’t want to give the drug up and desire the physical/mental/emotional positive effects of the drug, I hurt myself, my physical existence, and the future quality of my physical existence – the future consequences of my actions/decisions are easy to ignore because I tell myself that, “I will be fine,” and that “I’m healthy. I never get sick. I am strong.” And that, “I age slower than others so I have more time to play with.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with ‘having to give up’ my Adderall addiction – where, because I did not want to let this point go, I continue to bring it up over-and-over again in my writing. I blame almost all of my problems on myself stopping taking Adderall – my weight gain, my lack of ‘energy’, my ‘not caring’, my lack of motivation to get up in the morning, my not wanting to participate with others in my world, my not wanting to exercise, my not wanting to leave the house, my not getting big projects done around the house, and my depressed ‘mood’. Because I am blaming my problems on something outside of myself, I am not standing – and as long as I allow it to continue, I will never establish self-acceptance and self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that, “I had to give up Adderall,” as if someone outside of myself was making me do it. When, in fact, it was a direct decision that I made to stop taking it because of the damage it can cause to my physical body, my self-development, and my standing as an example of a responsible, trustworthy human being. I have not seen, realized, nor understood that because I am separating myself from my decision to change, I am not allowing my decision to ‘stick’ because if I allowed myself to stick to my decision, I would change. And I don’t want this – what I want is an easy, ‘for now’ way out instead of the having to face myself.

Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that, “I had to give up Adderall,” for someone/something outside of myself as a means to not take responsibility for myself if I fail because if I decided to start taking Adderall again, I can say to myself, “I did not do this for ME. I did this for THEM. And until I do this for me, there’s no point in bothering to give up this point.” I have not seen nor realized that I have programmed myself to give up on my decisions and my commitments to live a specific way that is best for me because I have accepted this – I have heard it MANY times where we tell one another over-and-over-again, “If you’re doing this for someone else and not yourself, it will never work – you’ll just go right back to it.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself and others, “If you’re doing this for someone else and not yourself, it will never work – you’ll just go right back to it.” I do not see, realize, nor understand when I do this that I am giving myself and others a backdoor out of our commitments and life decisions – For myself, I am making it ‘okay’ for me to fail so that I do not have to experiencing myself negatively within guilt, shame, anger, or the imagined verbal abuse of my inner personalities. I have never allowed myself to embrace my guilt, shame, anger, self-abuse, and the personalities that exists within my mind because I have told myself that it is ‘too painful’ and pain is BAD – and anything BAD must be resisted, ignored, run-away-from.

Yesterday, I found an empty bottle of my Adderall prescription on my jewelry box – it was odd because it looked like it had been ‘placed’ there. I saw the bottle and immediately got excited, “I wonder if there is anything left in there? Did my partner find this and leave it out for me? Am I being tested to see how I will react to seeing the bottle? Does my partner want me to start taking this again – is he in hopes that if I see this bottle that it will trigger me to call up the pharmacy and re-fill it?” I held the bottle ‘lovingly’ in my hands, opened it up, I looked in and then ran my finger around the inside to see if there was a ½ of a pill or maybe some ‘crumbs’ – nothing. I smelled the bottle, and again nothing. I sighed, put the cap back on, and dropped my shoulders – I was a mixture of sad and missing it - I missed the relationship I had with the drug which I connected to a life without the pain, anger, and disappointment of being overweight.

I see that I have associated Adderall with giving me the ONE thing that I have always wanted for myself since I was very young and that is to have a normal-sized body – I was able to achieve this in a matter of months and I was free from a life-long experience of outside judgment, bullying, and non-acceptance. This is something that I have not been able to give myself – I have been on special ‘diets’ ever since I can remember – none of them worked. As I gain weight back, I experience constant fear, physical discomfort as my physical freedom to move diminishes and obviously, I make myself emotional within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to Adderall to give me something that I have not given myself. I have not been patient and have always wanted immediate results – and within this, I have not allowed myself the time to stabilize myself and my body and instead say to myself, “I will deal with this later, tomorrow, when I get a day-off, or when I get some time.” Which, I never do. So the problem accumulates because I do not give myself the opportunity to change/make changes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotion of ‘Sad’ to lack-of/missing Adderall. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself as longing/wanting/needed/craving Adderall where I allow my relationship with the drug to have power over me and change me mentally, emotionally, and physically in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience lacking and a deep void within myself in which I further experience myself as hopeless because of my desire for Adderall. I want to escape the pressure, the stress, and the physical discomfort that I feel in my body and see in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I take Adderall that the experience I have in/as my physical body is more aligned with my physical mind-body – when I am on Adderall I move my physical body extremely fast, I have constant physical reactions through-out my days, I am on High, I perceive myself as having an unlimited amount of energy, I communicate well with other’s as mind-consciousness systems, and I tell myself how good I feel and that this makes me happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a drug to force my physical body to align with my physical-mind-body – Instead of considering and/or allowing myself to work on aligning my physical-mind-body with my physical body where I am moving myself to make change rather than relying on an outside source. Additionally within this, because I never worked at aligning my physical-mind-body to my physical body, I have not tested to see if I could make a change with myself that is lasting – unlike drugs where I need to take them every day or twice a day to maintain my alignment.

Realizations

I see, realize and understand that I am not really addicted to Adderall. I am using the Word Addicted to justify myself wanting, needing, and desiring the drug so that I can have an excuse for myself to start taking the drug again because when/as/if I start taking the drug again, I tell myself that all I have to do to accept myself within my decision is to tell myself and others, “I am not in-control of this. This is stronger than me. It has power to give me something that I am not able to give myself. I need this to be okay.”

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using the Word Addicted to explain an experience of myself within want/need/desire where my want/need/desire is so strong that I tell myself that I may not survive/be stable without it.

I see, realize, and understand that I have connected Adderall to myself experiencing myself positively and because I do not like to experience myself negatively, it is easier to call up, get a prescription, go the pharmacy, fill it, and in the matter of moments, escape that which I see is negative about myself and my living. Via my Journey To Life blog, I have found that this is part of my pattern that locks me into not changing or considering a ‘way out’ so it’s best to stop it.

I see, realize, and understand that Adderall damages my physical body – and even though I am not aware of all the consequences of this abuse at the moment, I have investigated and found that use of amphetamines can cause/lead-to Schizophrenia and Parkinsons Disease. Additionally, I have been told that the drug ‘ages’ the body – and this is something that is definitely not best for myself as I have lots of work to do here before I leave this physical existence.

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using Adderall to give to me what I have not allowed me to give to myself – specifically in regards to the body-size/shape that I am most comfortable. Suggest here for me to continue to investigating this point for myself as I am seeing that the problem may not only be with my food choices and/or the quantity of food that I eat – it is also linked to the amount of stress that I have allowed to accumulate within/as me.

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using Adderall to force my physical body to align with my mind and my systems that I live in – and thus, I see a cool opportunity here to work on aligning my mind and my systems to my physical body.

Self-Correction

 

When and as I see that I am telling myself that I am addicted to Adderall, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is me justifying my wanting, needing, and desiring to start taking the drug again and not taking responsibility for the point. Instead of allowing myself to separate myself from my wanting, needing, and desiring to take Adderall, I direct myself to take the opportunity to explore points that I may have missed by breathing, slowing myself down, and investigating the process that led me to wanting/needing/desiring the drug as I see, realize, and understand that I have had a negative experience of myself that I am trying to escape from.

I commit myself to stopping myself from trying to escape from a negative experience of myself with the assistance of Adderall by allowing myself to actually experience the negative of myself so that I can work on understanding my negative experiences – within this, I will stabilize myself with breathing and assist and support myself with writing and self-forgiveness.

When and as I see that I am telling myself that I need Adderall because I have become or may become unstable, I STOP. I BREATH. I see, realize, and understand that I am able to stabilize myself by breathing and that this is better than any drug because it is here with me, it actually keeps me alive, and the effects are lasting and supportive.

I commit myself to question my wants, needs, and desires as I see, realize, and understand that I created these attachments and ‘lack of things’ in my mind. Within this point, I will continue to investigate myself and find out what I am not giving myself/allowing myself to have/punishing myself and why.

When and as I see that I am wanting, desiring, needing, considering, and/or thinking about calling in a prescription for Adderall because I am experiencing myself negatively – I STOP. I see, realize, and understand that I am facing my pattern that I have committed myself to stopping. I do not call, I do not seek out the drug, and I do not accept the drug if it’s offered to me. Instead, I breath until I am stable and then assist and support myself with writing out my negative experience and self-forgiving myself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from automatically telling myself that the only solution to my instability is Adderall – I see, realize, and understand that the solution to my instability is to stabilize myself with breathing – this is not something outside of me, it is something with/in/as me that I will have with me until I die. Instead of looking outside of myself for ways to stabilize myself, I re-direct myself remain here with myself and BREATH – this is ‘faster-acting’, more effective, and last longer than any drug.

When and as I see/hear myself showing/telling myself that I am in great health, that I am untouchable by disease, and that I do not age so it’s ‘okay’ to take Adderall because the reported consequences do not apply to me – I stop. I see, realize, and understand that even though I am not aware of the consequences at this moment, that there may be damage at a level that I cannot see. Also, as I see my world, I see that consequences are happening sooner than later and that it’s best not to get caught up in these consequences IN ADDITION to the daily consequences/tests that I am faced with – to allow this to happen would essentially be me giving up on myself.

When and as I see myself experiencing discomfort with myself within/as my physical body and thus consider Adderall as a possible solution to make myself comfortable – I stop. I remind myself that I do not need a drug to make comfortable. I breath and allow myself to be here with my physical discomforts as I see, realize, and understand that what I am physically experiencing is nothing to be afraid of, I do not have to separate myself from it, and it’s not weird – in-fact, being here with/in/as my physical body is a cool way to see how well I am doing within my process of sorting out and managing my life.

I commit myself to stopping myself from automatically telling myself that there is an easy way out for me – that everything will get easier for me if I call in my prescription for Adderall and that it’s ‘okay’ – I will do this by reminding myself that I have chosen to walk my process here – and yes, it is not easy but a ‘way out’ is self-dishonest and delusional. And from here, I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction until I have established a point of self-trust.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to place myself in a position of where I could get ‘caught up’ in Adderall again – I do not look for it and I do not accept the drug if it’s offered to me. When and as I struggle with this and/or am in a position of where I could potentially compromise myself on this point, I say, “No,” and remove myself from the temptation. Within this, I continue to work on points that emerge with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction until I am no longer struggling and/or in conflict with myself about saying No to Adderall.

When and as I see that I am attempting to force my physical body to move at the speed/frequency/vibration of my mind and/or my physical world by either considering taking drugs or creating an energy high for myself, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is pointless – for one, doing this to my body hasn’t really improved much in my world/my mind and two, going faster creates much more work for me later as it takes a lot more time to stabilize my body/my life than it would if I were to breath and move forward steadily.

I commit myself to aligning myself as my mind to my physical body and stopping myself from forcing my physical body to align with myself as my mind by allowing myself to be here in/as/with my physical body, breathing, and ‘getting toknow’ myself with/in/as my physical body as I see, realize, and understand that it is here in my physical body that I can check myself, test my progress, and/or communicate with myself about points that I must be self-honest with myself about.

Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3

Why do bullying, gossip, and other abuses exist?

This blog is a continuation of self-forgiveness for writings and realizations from Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.

In addition, I have included my assessment of the Problem, the Solution to be walked, and the Reward for myself as an outcome following through with my Solution.  



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses for the bad that I see in myself, others, and my world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn-away and ignore the bad that I see in myself, others, and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself within the statement of 'as above, so below' and 'as within, so without' when considering the relationship between myself and my world.  It is easier to see what's outside of me as separate from me and easier to take responsibility for what I see as outside of me and separate from me rather than seeing myself as a mirror-image.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that it is not only that I have been in agreement with what is here, it is also that everything that is abusive, deviant, spiteful, and directly against our agreed system of Morality exists within me and my mind.  Instead of facing the 'really bad secret stuff' and taking responsibility for it, I try to ignore it, forget it, or make it go away.

Problem: I am trying to suppress, ignore, and forget the experiences of my past which is not possible.  As much as I try, the pain from the reactions to my thoughts and memories persists.  I wish that I lived in a world where we could express our secrets openly to each other and I am greatly disappointed by the fact that we do not allow this - I found out the hard way at a very early age, when after expressing what was going on within my thoughts that was seen as 'bad', that others in my world would use physical force, bullying, threats, and gossip to be certain that I would stop.  And it continues, to this day.  So, to me, part of the problem here is that I must walk my secrets in-private, which anything walked in-private, to me, is a missed opportunity to assist and support another facing the same.

Solution: Bring my point of responsibility back to myself within my disappointment and 'wishes' with self-forgiveness. Assist and support myself with writing out each and every secret that I can remember, no matter how 'wrong' or 'bad' I have defined it to be, for myself in-private, and then use the tools of self-forgiveness and self-correction to release myself and prevent myself from these memories and experiences to have 'power' over me again.

Reward: No more suppression of myself with judgement, guilt, worry, shame, anxiety, fear, and remorse when and as I recall my past and within this, give myself the opportunity to live without the pain of these reactions.

Next: Self-Forgiveness for my disappointment in others not meeting the expectations of my 'wishes' or my picture of The Perfect World With Perfect People.

Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

 

I fear losing respect from others if I write about my characters that I have created for myself that I have been living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose the respect of others if I share, write, and expose my characters that I have created for myself that I have been living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I want, need, and desire to hold on to the characters that I have created and as such, I have used my fear of loss of respect from others to ensure that I would not lose my characters and thus, within this, I was able to continue to create characters and sub-characters which 'evolved' my characters that I created which made them 'more real' which made me think, believe, and tell myself that the characters I created were/are me.

I forgive myself that I have/ accepted and allowed my fear of losing the respect of others to be equal and one with my fear of death where I tell myself that that if I were to lose the respect of others in my world because of a character that I have shared, written about, and/or exposed, that I'm 'taking the chance' of losing my system of survival as my job and those 'above me' in power that have the 'say' of whether I work and make money or not. I tell myself that others 'above me' may not like what they see about me and thus will begin the process of removing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live-out my life within and as my fear of losing respect.  I have not seen, realized,nor understood that by accepting and allowing myself to live within and as fear of losing respect, that I have manifested the fear in my life in my world - this is proven by the fact that I have lost the respect of others over-and-over-again - so holding on to my fear of losing respect has changed nothing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to self-direct myself to consider and/or imagine what my life would be like if I were to let go of my fear of losing respect because it was easier for me to simply hold onto my fear of losing respect, compound it, and make it more real for myself rather than taking responsibility for it. Additionally, I been so distracted, caught up, and/or enslaved by my fear of losing respect, that I did not allow myself  to stop my participation within and as my mind as my fear of losing respect so that I could, for a moment, consider who I would be without the illusion of fear of losing respect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fear of losing respect is real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my acceptance and allowance of myself within and as my fear of losing respect has impacted my world where because I have perpetuated, nurtured and maintained my fear losing respect, I have in-turn, perpetuated, nurtured and maintained the fear of losing respect in my world.  There is no real respect in this world because if there were real respect, it would be the same yesterday and tomorrow as it is today and it would be the same respect for all equally - and because I accept and allow my respect of others and myself to change day-to-day, hour-to-hour and minute-to-minute, I thusly accept and allow it to exist with my world.

I forgive myself that I have, as an additional dimension of perpetuating, nurturing, and maintaining my fear of losing respect, passed this fear onto my children where I have taught them that if they express themselves freely, that they may in-turn, be at risk of losing respect of others and thus losing their system of survival -- I did not see, realize, nor understand that by me passing this onto others, that I was creating additional 'Me's' who would live out my fear of losing respect, be/become 'people pleasers' and then go on to pass my fear of losing respect on to others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed the back-chat of, "Holy crap. Did that person REALLY just say that about themselves?! I have just lost any and all respect for them ..." to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the back-chat of, "Holy crap.  Did that person REALLY just say that about themselves?! I have just lost any and all respect for them ..." is myself communicating to myself about myself where I am telling myself that I have lost respect for myself - which is an additional indicator that my holding onto my fear of losing respect changed nothing AND that I, am in-fact, abusing myself/beating myself up withinside and withoutside of myself when I communicate myself honestly.  Because I have projected this back-chat onto others instead of investigating myself within and as the back-chat, I did not allow myself an opportunity to see, realize, nor understand where this self-abuse is coming from within me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I 'beat myself up', punish myself, and abuse myself with fear, emotions/sadness, conflict, confusion, and the experience of falling/failing when and as I express myself with self-honesty and free expression because self-honesty and free expression were/was/is violently punished or threatened to be violently punished within my world - we do not like to see or hear the truth of ourselves through the lives, words, and actions of others, especially when those lives, words and actions are as/of/from a child.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of the memories and programming that I accept and allow myself to abuse, torment, hate, suppress, conflict, and confuse myself with.  Instead of letting go, I live out my memories and programming over and over and over again within re-calling pictures that I have stored in my mind so that I can experience an energetic reaction of negativity which I will then project onto others as blame, hatred, and spite to then experience a positive reaction when seeing myself as an 'innocent, the good guy, and only a child/baby', and thus be 'okay' with myself as the neutral within telling myself, "It's over now.  You're a survivor. There's nothing you can do until they come to you and tell you how wrong and sorry they are."

I will continue in my next blog entry.

Day 42: I Can't Watch This - Part 6

Here I am writing Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements for:

Day 37: I Can't Watch This
Day 38: I Can't Watch This - Part 2
Day 39: I Can't Watch This - Part 3
Day 40: I Can't Watch This - Part 4
Day 41: I Can't Watch This - Part 5
For additional context, see the documentary Earthlings.

ART By Anna Brix Thomsen

When and as I see that I am taking myself within and as my mind back to a memory of myself of when I was a very young child so that I will experience myself as a human being that does not care and thus tell myself that this is who I am, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that this is myself as my minds way to control me with guilt, remorse, blame, justification, and other negative emotions so that I do not remain here, in breath and thus never realize who I am as life.  Additionally, I now see, realize, and understand that the moment that I had with the cat where I killed the cat was a moment where any variable/instance/event could have happened.

I commit myself to being here in breath with the animals and thus sharing moments with animals.   Within this, I commit myself to stopping the fear that I've attached to the memories of my experiences with animals.  Additionally, I commit myself to stopping the fear that I've attached to the memories of OTHERS, the media, films, books, stories, fictions, etc. as imagined experiences with animals.

I see, realize, and understand that being/becoming equal to and one with life that is here within this physical world requires for me to be present and aware of my reactions and that within my awareness I have moment-by-moment decisions where I can breath through my fear and not allow my fear to direct me within an action/re-action in a moment where anything can happen. 

When and as I see and/or hear myself telling myself 'this is who/what I am' as 'only human', I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that 'who I am', 'what I am', and 'only human' is an expression of the knowledge, information, stories, imaginings, and memories that I have stored within myself as pictures in/as/of/from my mind that I have attached to the words 'who/what I am' and 'human'.

Within this, When and as I see/tell myself that 'I am human', I do so within awareness that 'human' is a physical body controlled by a mind - where every word, action, reaction, personality, Character, thought, emotion, and feeling is pre-determined, pre-scripted, pre-programmed, and pre-narraratored by the mind. 

I commit myself to no longer accept nor allow the excuse of 'I am only human' - within this, I commit myself to no longer accept nor allow myself to use the excuse/justification of 'I am only <anything>' as I see, realize and understand that my allowance of myself being 'only anything' is me allowing and thus accepting myself to be/become diminished, separated, categorized, characterized, and irresponsible.

I commit myself to no longer see myself as a Species separate from other Earthlings and within this, I commit myself to understanding exactly how we are the same as we are all born of/from the Earth and thus are of/from the same substance.  Within this, I commit myself to understanding and establishing a relationship with/as my design and the designs of other Earthlings.

When and as I see myself blaming myself with thoughts of what a 'bad human' I am or blaming my Race as the Human Race/Species, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that BLAME gets me no where and so I breath, equalize myself, and self-forgive my blames that come up in that moment. From here, I re-direct myself by re-minding myself that my design and the design of my fellow human beings as Mind Consciousness Systems is from/of/as a point of dominance and control - and in accepting and allowing myself as this design, I am responsible for all that I have established dominance and control over and I am responsible for all life that I have not seen or heard - specifically those that I have not accepted nor allowed as having/to have a voice/the ability to communicate.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to no longer get caught up in the Blame Game as I see that it is yet another cycle of entrapment.  Within this, I commit myself to focus on supporting, standing for and manifesting a SOLUTION that will put a PERMANENT end to abuse and exploitation.



Additionally, I commit myself to BECOMING THE SOLUTION.  I commit myself to becoming the solution here in THIS PHYSICAL REALITY where we are all given an opportunity in THIS ONE LIFE to reform ourselves and that we can be trusted with Life and thus be FREE.

When and as I continue walking the Earthlings Documentary and I experience any reactions of thoughts, emotions, feelings, memories or the 'I Can't Watch This' Character, I stop.  I breath. I see, realize and understand that this is me within and as my mind where I do not have control over nor an established relationship of responsibility with what I am seeing and so I want what I'm seeing to 'go away'.  Within this seeing, realizing, and understanding that my reactions are an experience that I am having within and as my mind, I direct myself to self-forgive any thoughts, emotions, feelings, memories, and/or physical adrenaline reactions that surface as continue to watch Earthlings and thus give myself the opportunity to align/re-align and equalize myself with what has been accepted and allowed for/as animal abuse.

I commit myself to understanding and becoming equal to what has been/to what I have accepted and allowed for/of/as animal abuse - and within this commitment, I commit myself to watch the Earthlings documentary from start to end and as I do this, I commit myself to self-forgiving and self-correcting any memories, thoughts, and reactions that surface during this process.

When and as I see myself 'feeling sorry' for myself or any other outside of myself, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that 'feeling sorry' is not real - in fact, it is a lie as I have proven to myself that I have programmed the word 'Sorry' into and as my physical living as a way to not accept nor allow myself to be/become responsible for the consequences of my choices and decisions.  Additionally, I see, realize, and understand that by accepting and allowing the word 'Sorry' to exist within and as my physical living/expression, that I am accepting and allowing 'Right/Wrong', blame, judgement, excuses justification, guilt, and escapism to exist and thus I am accepting and allowing the manifested consequences as the World Systems that serve individual self-interest and control without consideration for LIFE.

I commit myself to removing, stopping, and/or re-directing 'Sorry' from my programming and replacing each instance of 'Sorry-ness' with Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction.

When and as I see myself, as a parent, participating in thoughts, memories, programming/pre-programming, imaginings, judgements, and/or fears that could potentially lead to my reacting - I STOP.  I BREATH.  I do not react.  I see, realize, and understand that I NO LONGER have to/need to follow the direction of the narrator within and as my mind that tells me what to do, how to do it, and why to do it from a point of fear that I am 'not raising my kid right' or that 'my kid will not be accepted and/or survive in this world'.  I trust myself to make decisions for/direct myself and my children within the principle of equality and what's best for us as living, breathing, and responsible beings.

I commit myself to stopping my reactions to others and PERFECTING this as I see, realize, and understand that this is absolutely required if I am to actually FOR REAL to assist and support myself and others in being/becoming one/equal-to our physical bodies and our physical world.

I commit myself to SHARE the education of myself within and as my Journey To Life with my children - specifically with my pre-school/kindergarten-aged child who is still home with me, I commit myself to exploring, understanding, and sharing our physical world together as an equal part of his homeschool education. 

I commit myself to remove myself from the HUMAN RACE - where I take myself out of the RACE as I am in NO HURRY to get to the FINISH LINE.  I see, realize, and understand that competing is pointless and that DEMONstrating how special/more deserving/how -amazing- /how right I am changes nothing as when and as I reach the finish line/the end, all that I used as knowledge, information, Characters and personalities to give me a 'winning edge' will die when my mind dies and my body will return to the Earth along with all of my other fellow dead Earthlings.

Within this, I commit myself to changing/re-directing/becoming Being Human where Human is my design and Being is to Be Living here equal to/as myself within and as my design and with all Beings/Earthlings that are here within and as their individual designs.

I commit myself to re-mind myself that FEAR IS LAME.  I see, realize, and understand that fear and all of the processes that go into storing and maintaining that fear are actually diminishing my physical substance and in-fact, are making me lame.

I commit myself to no longer trust my fears by telling myself that 'my fears will keep me safe' as this is simply not true.  I see, realize, and understand that my fears keep myself as a Mind Consciousness System safe - where myself as a physical body is in a safe, under-lock-and-key, and within control of the authority of my Mind that is required to MINE from my physicality/substance to survive.

Within this, I commit myself to trust myself to make cautious, common sense decisions within awareness/understanding of the environment/situation/event that I am in at any given moment.

I commit myself to self-forgive myself for any negative/positive/neutral relationships that I have created with myself and other beings and within this, I commit myself to walk the self-correction for no longer accepting and allowing these mind relationships as well as walk my self-commitments to establish real, physical relationships with myself and other beings.