Day 37: I Can't Watch This
Day 38: I Can't Watch This - Part 2
Day 39: I Can't Watch This - Part 3
Day 40: I Can't Watch This - Part 4
And the documentary Earthlings
|ART By Silvia Simone Gerssen|
I am questioning my definition of Abuse because:
- I see abuse everywhere, in every 'thing' on this planet.
- When I am NOT being self-honest, I do not see myself as an abuser - I see everyone/thing else OUTSIDE of myself as The Abuser.
- I react to others stories, memories, and experiences of abuse/being abused as, "What the HECK? That is SO wrong." I experience a sorriness with the individual sharing their experience. I want to hug, hold, and comfort the victim and I want to do everything within my power to separate the victim from their abuser. I become angry with Earthlings hurting other Earthlings - I become angry, frustrated, and disappointed with Earthlings who ignore the Earthlings that are being hurt by other Earthlings. I want the abuser, in any form that they have taken on this earth - animal, plant, insect, human, element - all that is HERE to STOP. Even if it means removal. Just stop. WHY does it have to be this way?
Now, when and as I ask others in my immediate environment the question of 'WHY does it have to be this way?', I hear, "It is what it is ...", "It's God's Will ...", "That's life ...", "Survival of the fittest ...", "There's nothing any that I or any of us can do about it ...", "Yep. We're all evil. Get used to it ..." or, "Not my concern, not my problem ..."
Honestly, I am equal to each and every one of these answers as the truth is, before participating with a group if beings that are working on standing up and taking responsibility for the abuse, my answer to the question of 'WHY does it have to be this way?' was any of the above responses depending on what character I was acting, studying, or practicing at the time. The fact that I have a 'new perspective' as 'NO MORE ABUSE PERIOD' changes nothing in my pattern of character creation - specifically, since I realize that as long as I am reacting to what myself or others see or share as 'abuse', that I have no clue what I'm standing for - how can I possibly give myself an opportunity to understand when I'm completely DISTRACTED by my reaction? I'm just another picketer, waiving a well-written sign in the air, while I use every possible character in my arsenal to get passerby's to not cross-the-line, to join us, or get out of the way.
Here is where I see myself - standing on the grass with my eye-catching sign of all the ugliness that is here. From time to time, I get the attention from a curious, lonely, or guilty walker-by that wants to learn more but in the end I hear and see, "No thanks. Good luck, though. I might check on you later to see how you're doing ..." I see others as not 'getting it' - which is interesting because I GOT IT - loud and clear. Sure, there was a moment when I said, 'This person is INSANE ... I'm out of here ...' but I came right back for more in a matter of days. Why? Because all of my questions were answered honestly. These people spoke to my common sense. And they gave, and gave, and gave, and gave...
So. Honestly, truthfully, practically, and realistically, how am I allowing myself to define Abuse? Because I can 'take others words for it' or allow my imagination to show me what abuse is, who the abusers are, who the victims are, etc. - over and over and over again BUT it's not getting me anywhere.
Oh, and another point: Because we are ALL REACTING TO ABUSE, this leaves A LOT of room for deflection and deception. I have proved this to myself recently. Abuse is another Trump Card that I play to resist changing. I've lived through some chaotic, confusing, emotional, unsafe and physically damaging times which I see myself as justified as using as an excuse and/or escape. I can no longer allow myself to become this Abused Person Character nor can I accept this character of/as/from others.
Putting It Together
In relation to Animal Abuse and my reaction to the Earthlings documentary, I am reacting as my 'I'm An Abuser' and 'I Am/Was/Will Be Abused' Characters where I then justify becoming the 'I Can't' Character where I am allowing myself to resist as my mind and thus continue with my programming so that I do not allow myself the opportunity to establish an actual real relationship connection with myself via another Earthling.
In my next blog I will write my self-correction and self-commitment statements for my 'I Can't Watch This' Character. From there, I will investigate how I am living out my Abuse programming/Characters/definitions so that I can stop the reactions, GIVE myself an underSTANDING, and thus continue to establish a relationship of trust with myself. Within this, I will continue watching Earthlings as my reaction indicates that I must walk this point with my awareness of my resistance.