Day 129: The Helpless Victim

Here I begin writing out The Helpless Victim Character that emerged from the following writings:

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction
Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment




As The Helpless Victim, I see that the world is a dangerous place and that everyone within this world has the potential to harm me physically, emotionally, and/or mentally.  No one can be trusted - and if, for one moment, if I were to let my guard down with another, they would take advantage and victimize me in some way.  When I am The Helpless Victim, I see that there is no way for me to change this - there is no help for me, there is no protection for me, and no one is going to stand up for me to make sure that I am always okay or to get me away from the person who is hurting, harming, victimizing, and/or abusive to me.  In my mind, I have created the belief that people will stand up for others who are being harmed and stand against those that are harming - like, everyone should take care of each other - and yet we don't.  This is frightening to me.

Also, as this character, if I am in a situation that I see myself as being trapped in where another is stronger than myself, I will project myself as needing the others help to 'be better' because I cannot help myself.  This is where an extreme form of dishonesty emerges as I will use Helplessness to manipulate others as a defense mechanism and within this sell myself out.  Because this is not who/what I want to be, this causes an extreme amount of conflict, confusion, and stress as the anger that I accumulate within myself that eventually blows - it's just like a bomb going off and my situation becomes unbearable which compromises me even further.

Fear Dimension
Ultimately, I fear being alone in this world.  I do not think that I can do this on my own and I do not think that I have the power to stand up for myself.  I fear standing up and saying, "From here, no more."  What will become of me if I do this?  What if I stand up and say, "No more" and that person writes me out of their life?  Worse, what if they hurt me, degrade me, defame me, and succeed in taking away what's important to me or the people/things that I have defined myself within and as?  What if I end up losing everything?

Thought Dimension
The thought that triggers this character is, "I might lose everything that I care about - I would be lost and no one will help me."

Imagination Dimension
In my imagination I see that I lose everything and everyone in my life, that I will be homeless, that I will be broken, that I will be susceptible to much worse abuses, that I will live the rest of my life in regret and shame, that I will become a junkie, a bag-lady, live on the streets, push around a cart, go crazy, lose my teeth, be ignored, be repelling, and eventually die alone under a bridge somewhere.

Backchat Dimension
Internal conversations: "It's a dog-eat-dog world." "I would rather die than end up as a bag-lady." 
(And more - recorded in Backchat diary)

Reaction Dimension
In response to my thoughts, imaginations, and backchats, I react emotionally with disappointment, worry, anxiety, sadness, feeling 'small', and anger.   

Behavior Dimension
My behavior becomes jerky and edgy.  I begin moving around a lot and darting from one task to another.  When I am sitting or at rest, I curl into myself where I pull my knees close to my body and wrap my arms around myself.  When I'm full-blown into this character/personality/mind-possession, my eyes are WIDE open and I am on high-alert.  I speak my incoherent thoughts out-loud as means to try to make sense and/or to get others 'on my side' to stand-up for/take care of/protect me and/or justify my behavior, fears, and reactions.  My voice tightens and is either a 'small' voice or energetically forced.

Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6

 Why Am I So Curious?

In this blog, I will be walking myself as a Curious character.  To see how I got to here, read Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.

Ooo. What does this button do???

Problem: I Am Curious.  I have been living within and as an expression of Curiosity.  The problem isn't necessarily that I'm curious, the problem is that within myself being curious, I often cause a great deal of trouble within myself and outside of myself as a result of myself not seeing or intentionally ignoring the consequences and possible negative outcomes of my being curious.  When I become curious, I remove common sense and practicality from my processing and I will ignore all warnings and will only hear what I want to hear which is, "Go ahead! Do it.  What's the worst that could happen?"  I do not consider nor care about the effect my actions and decisions have upon others, my physical body, or my environment.  When I act within my curiosity, it is often counter-productive to my self-development.  I have assigned a positive definition to curiosity and it is generally accepted as 'okay' in the world so I have not been motivated to investigate myself within this character, remove my irresponsible expression of curiosity from my living nor suppress it.

Solution: To assist and support myself to not be controlled by my mind Curiosity by walking the dimensions of this Character/Personality with self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitments and thus making myself self-aware and stable within a responsible Physical living of the Word Curiosity.

Reward: Establish self-trust within myself that I will not act on impulse within and as my self-interests, wants and desires and that instead, I will direct myself to explore my physical world, myself, and the beings here with me from a point of responsibility.

Fear Dimension

When I was a child I was aware that what I accepted as information and knowledge became me and because I was not in agreement with others in my environment and did not trust them, I would not allow others, to the best of my ability and awareness, to influence or create who I Am -unless- they showed me via combined spoken words and actions that they cared for me and were looking out for what was best for me - these individuals were rare.  So, from a fear survival and fear of loss of self as I developed Who I Am during my childhood phase before I started Thinking, I interacted with and explored my world Physically as what I could prove to be true on my own was what I could trust.

Note:  I was not in agreement with others because their Words did not align with their living.  I could not make sense of this. And it's interesting to look at pictures from when I was a child at this time because the expression on my face was if I was saying, "This does not make sense."  As I got older, I assumed that it would all make sense when I 'grew up' but it never did. 

Anyway, the core-source-origin point of my Curiosity was fear of survival and loss of self and when I began Thinking, it became Mind Curiosity.

Thought Dimension

The Thought that activates my Curiosity is 'I don't know."  Where if 'I Don't Know" then I go into my Mind Curiosity which then I will test out in the Physical to find an answer as quickly as possible.

Imagination Dimension

When I am directing myself from my mind-curiosity, I imagine only good outcomes where I become a better, wiser, and more valuable person to others.  In my imagination, I am The Hero, The Comedian, The Brightly Shining Star, The Best, and The Most.  With my imagination, I suppress any fears because I Am Invincible!

Internal Conversations/Backchat/Voices in the Head

Recorded in private Backchat Diary.

Reaction Dimension

Negative: When I cannot connect to a specific experience with knowledge and information, I have a negative reaction of Anxiety because I fear being seen as dumb, stupid, naive, and lacking common sense and intelligence.

Positive: When I can connect a  specific experience with knowledge and information, I have a positive reaction of Excitement because I see myself as clever, knowledgeable, important, and bright.

Behavior Dimension

When my Curious Character activates, I lean forward and grasp my chin between my index finger and thumb of my left hand - I pull my arm and bent elbow tight into my body to lock my head in place. I may pull at my bottom lip as I'm thinking about how I'm going to 'pull something off' or a 'plan', my eyes are steady.  When I have decided on the quickest plan to find an answer or to satiate my curiosity/interest, I begin moving reeeeeeally fast from one task to another to accomplish my task as quickly as possible.  I am physically driven, steady, and robotic.

In my next entry, I will begin Self-Forgiveness starting with the Fear Dimension.

Day 55: I Am More - More Than You - Self-Correction

ART by Gian Robberts

This blog entry is the Self-Correction for: Day 54: I Am More - More Than You - Continued,  Day 53: I Am More - More Than You writings and Self-Forgiveness.  For additional context, refer to: Day 52: I Am Above This - Continued - Self-Correction,  Day 51: I Am Above This - Continued, Day 50: I Am Above This, Day 49: I Am Perfect, and Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

When and as I see that I am experiencing myself within/as being and/or telling myself that I am MORE than others, I stop.  I bring myself back to here within breath as I see, realize, and understand that for me to justify myself as being more that I would have had a thought about myself as less that I did not see because I was not present.  I commit myself to stop myself from not being here, present, and observing myself as my thoughts - and within this, I commit myself to when I see myself as justifying/showing/telling myself that I am more, to stopping, breathing, and going back-ward through my thought process to pin-point where I had seen myself as less, why, and/or what the trigger point was.  From here, I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to remove the 'I Am Less Than' points to, in turn, remove the 'I Am More Than' points with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

When and as I see myself within and/or as the experience of ups-downs-medians/highs-lows-middles via thought and/or behavior cycles/patterns, I stop.  I breath and bring myself back to here.  I see, realize, and understand that I am showing myself my patterns and/or polarity cycles and so - I commit myself to stopping/removing from/as myself my polarity cycles by writing out my polarity cycles, self-forgiving my polarity cycles, and then establishing and developing practical agreements with myself for how I can break out of these polarity cycles with self-corrective statements and self-commitments so that I can in-fact, be free.

When and as I see myself considering/wanting/desiring to purchase product because I tell myself that myself or someone I care for needs it/may need it, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that for me to purchase this product on impulse that, within the current system, that it will be required for me to work more and/or make up for 'the loss' somewhere within my weekly allowances - I am essentially selling moments of my life and my enjoyment of my life for a product that will end up in a pile somewhere, in storage, being given away, having to be lugged around from room to room within my commitment/partner-agreement to organize, and/or thrown in the trash.  I commit myself to stop purchasing/accepting products/items within a moment of impulse, desire, want, and narration within me saying 'this is on sale ... you might need this later'.  Within this, I commit myself to thoroughly research myself, the product/item, and myself within the pros and cons of taking on the responsibility of the product/item.

Additionally, within seeing, realizing and understanding that when I am taking/purchasing objects/items/products of physical substance, that I am required to give back of equal-to substance, I commit myself to researching ways, as a part of my pre-purchasing process of acceptance/responsibility of a product, to give back into my world substance equal-to what I am considering purchasing/accepting/taking responsibility for.

When and as I see myself wanting and desiring to become a chameleon and blend into my world because I have allowed myself to fear resistance, change, being alone, others reactions, and/or embarrassment, I stop and breath through the fear and bring myself back here within seeing, realizing, and understanding that fear is stupid, fear is not real, and what I am in-fact fearing is myself.  Within my commitment to develop and establish a relationship of trust with myself, I commit myself to stop myself from going into a fear reaction when faced with points that could assist and support me with changing my programming/myself by breathing through my fears, laughing because of my fears, writing out my fears, self-forgiving myself for my fears, and then developing self-corrective applications for the points that trigger my fears.  From here, I commit myself to support and stand for that which I have researched as being The Best Way.

When and as I see that I am projecting on to others and thus separating from myself my thoughts and seeing myself as 'less' as indicated by my mind-backchat-projections onto others as 'less than me', I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I am communicating to myself about how I see myself within that moment and the reasons that I think/see/show myself to myself as this way.  I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to be equal-to my backchat communication with/to/about myself by writing and self-forgiveness.  Additionally, I see, realize, and understand that I am fearing being discarded, replaced, and/or rejection which, to me, is equal-to death and thus the fear of death and being alone with myself - within seeing this, I commit myself to assist and support myself to walk myself through/with my fear of death and/or being alone with myself via writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction because there's no practical, realistic reason to be holding on to these fears - lol.

When and as I see myself activating my 'snob', 'brat', 'spoiled', 'baby' and/or 'princess' characters, as indicated by myself turning my physical expression upward and making my mind go fuzzy so that I do not have to take any responsibility within the event/environment/situation, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that by 'turning myself up', I am in fact, 'turning myself down' as turning down an opportunity to see myself, my fears and my reactions as thoughts, emotions, feelings, and physical behaviors within events/environments/situations that I am uncomfortable.  I commit myself to stop separating myself from others, my world, and myself as myself, others, and my world by  breathing and remaining here hearing and seeing my trigger reactions and then assisting and supporting myself to free myself from these trigger reactions with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

Additionally, because I see myself over-compensating and/or swinging to the opposite polarity of 'Capable Greatness' as I remove and free myself from the 'More Than You' and 'Less Than You' characters, I see, realize, and understand that I'm required to establish, develop, and integrate humbleness within and as me - I commit myself to stop myself from allowing myself as my Ego to step in and re-start the cycle of more-or-less by investigating, defining, walking, and self-correcting myself to become humble.

Self-Correction continued in next post.

Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

 

Withing my world, I'm hearing:
"You're perfect."
"You're higher than the rest of us."
"You're the bigger person."
"You are more.  More than us."
"Nothing you do is wrong."

I say, "No, no, no.  This is not how I want you to see me.  This is not my objective.  That is not cool at all." And within me I say, "This sucks - crap.  Where am I messing up here - I do not want this person to feel as though I am better than them because I've been there all of my life within that trap of seeing others as better than myself - please don't see me like that ..."

I'm taking it personal.  I'm even hearing spite resonating with the words as their spoken from others - spite mixed with honesty.  And it's that honesty that my Ego picks up on and I breath, smile, and within that honesty I experience a positive success and then use that energy within my communication that follows to cover-up and/or ignore the negativity.

We all want to be seen as a positive personality that is 'doing the best thing' and I don't like it when the truth of myself and my application is reflected back at me as honest spite.  To test this, I looked at myself and saw myself as separate from the others in my life - I've been in conflict everywhere in my life and the picture of myself that I see within my mind is outside of the group.  As the negative, I see myself firmly standing with my arms crossing my body and my foot tapping impatiently.  As the positive, I see myself with my arms open and myself saying, "Come here.  Communicate with me.  Let's work this out." And as the neutral, I see myself distracting myself with work or what's within my physical environment while I wait for them to 'come around'.  When I put my Ego into the picture equation, I am suddenly MUCH bigger than everyone else - am a giant, I am God-Like, I am a guru waiting for the flock to come into my arms where I embrace them all motherly and lovingly 'show them the way' ... and we all live happily ever after.

In my real, physical world I am seeing frustration, disappointment, sadness, loneliness, and anger.  I see heads shaking.  I hear of others being scared of me and see those others lingering around corners watching me like I watched others when I was experiencing myself as small and powerless - wanting to understand and 'help' but afraid to get caught in the cross-fire.

Continuing writing in the next post.

Day 42: I Can't Watch This - Part 6

Here I am writing Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements for:

Day 37: I Can't Watch This
Day 38: I Can't Watch This - Part 2
Day 39: I Can't Watch This - Part 3
Day 40: I Can't Watch This - Part 4
Day 41: I Can't Watch This - Part 5
For additional context, see the documentary Earthlings.

ART By Anna Brix Thomsen

When and as I see that I am taking myself within and as my mind back to a memory of myself of when I was a very young child so that I will experience myself as a human being that does not care and thus tell myself that this is who I am, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that this is myself as my minds way to control me with guilt, remorse, blame, justification, and other negative emotions so that I do not remain here, in breath and thus never realize who I am as life.  Additionally, I now see, realize, and understand that the moment that I had with the cat where I killed the cat was a moment where any variable/instance/event could have happened.

I commit myself to being here in breath with the animals and thus sharing moments with animals.   Within this, I commit myself to stopping the fear that I've attached to the memories of my experiences with animals.  Additionally, I commit myself to stopping the fear that I've attached to the memories of OTHERS, the media, films, books, stories, fictions, etc. as imagined experiences with animals.

I see, realize, and understand that being/becoming equal to and one with life that is here within this physical world requires for me to be present and aware of my reactions and that within my awareness I have moment-by-moment decisions where I can breath through my fear and not allow my fear to direct me within an action/re-action in a moment where anything can happen. 

When and as I see and/or hear myself telling myself 'this is who/what I am' as 'only human', I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that 'who I am', 'what I am', and 'only human' is an expression of the knowledge, information, stories, imaginings, and memories that I have stored within myself as pictures in/as/of/from my mind that I have attached to the words 'who/what I am' and 'human'.

Within this, When and as I see/tell myself that 'I am human', I do so within awareness that 'human' is a physical body controlled by a mind - where every word, action, reaction, personality, Character, thought, emotion, and feeling is pre-determined, pre-scripted, pre-programmed, and pre-narraratored by the mind. 

I commit myself to no longer accept nor allow the excuse of 'I am only human' - within this, I commit myself to no longer accept nor allow myself to use the excuse/justification of 'I am only <anything>' as I see, realize and understand that my allowance of myself being 'only anything' is me allowing and thus accepting myself to be/become diminished, separated, categorized, characterized, and irresponsible.

I commit myself to no longer see myself as a Species separate from other Earthlings and within this, I commit myself to understanding exactly how we are the same as we are all born of/from the Earth and thus are of/from the same substance.  Within this, I commit myself to understanding and establishing a relationship with/as my design and the designs of other Earthlings.

When and as I see myself blaming myself with thoughts of what a 'bad human' I am or blaming my Race as the Human Race/Species, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that BLAME gets me no where and so I breath, equalize myself, and self-forgive my blames that come up in that moment. From here, I re-direct myself by re-minding myself that my design and the design of my fellow human beings as Mind Consciousness Systems is from/of/as a point of dominance and control - and in accepting and allowing myself as this design, I am responsible for all that I have established dominance and control over and I am responsible for all life that I have not seen or heard - specifically those that I have not accepted nor allowed as having/to have a voice/the ability to communicate.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to no longer get caught up in the Blame Game as I see that it is yet another cycle of entrapment.  Within this, I commit myself to focus on supporting, standing for and manifesting a SOLUTION that will put a PERMANENT end to abuse and exploitation.



Additionally, I commit myself to BECOMING THE SOLUTION.  I commit myself to becoming the solution here in THIS PHYSICAL REALITY where we are all given an opportunity in THIS ONE LIFE to reform ourselves and that we can be trusted with Life and thus be FREE.

When and as I continue walking the Earthlings Documentary and I experience any reactions of thoughts, emotions, feelings, memories or the 'I Can't Watch This' Character, I stop.  I breath. I see, realize and understand that this is me within and as my mind where I do not have control over nor an established relationship of responsibility with what I am seeing and so I want what I'm seeing to 'go away'.  Within this seeing, realizing, and understanding that my reactions are an experience that I am having within and as my mind, I direct myself to self-forgive any thoughts, emotions, feelings, memories, and/or physical adrenaline reactions that surface as continue to watch Earthlings and thus give myself the opportunity to align/re-align and equalize myself with what has been accepted and allowed for/as animal abuse.

I commit myself to understanding and becoming equal to what has been/to what I have accepted and allowed for/of/as animal abuse - and within this commitment, I commit myself to watch the Earthlings documentary from start to end and as I do this, I commit myself to self-forgiving and self-correcting any memories, thoughts, and reactions that surface during this process.

When and as I see myself 'feeling sorry' for myself or any other outside of myself, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that 'feeling sorry' is not real - in fact, it is a lie as I have proven to myself that I have programmed the word 'Sorry' into and as my physical living as a way to not accept nor allow myself to be/become responsible for the consequences of my choices and decisions.  Additionally, I see, realize, and understand that by accepting and allowing the word 'Sorry' to exist within and as my physical living/expression, that I am accepting and allowing 'Right/Wrong', blame, judgement, excuses justification, guilt, and escapism to exist and thus I am accepting and allowing the manifested consequences as the World Systems that serve individual self-interest and control without consideration for LIFE.

I commit myself to removing, stopping, and/or re-directing 'Sorry' from my programming and replacing each instance of 'Sorry-ness' with Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction.

When and as I see myself, as a parent, participating in thoughts, memories, programming/pre-programming, imaginings, judgements, and/or fears that could potentially lead to my reacting - I STOP.  I BREATH.  I do not react.  I see, realize, and understand that I NO LONGER have to/need to follow the direction of the narrator within and as my mind that tells me what to do, how to do it, and why to do it from a point of fear that I am 'not raising my kid right' or that 'my kid will not be accepted and/or survive in this world'.  I trust myself to make decisions for/direct myself and my children within the principle of equality and what's best for us as living, breathing, and responsible beings.

I commit myself to stopping my reactions to others and PERFECTING this as I see, realize, and understand that this is absolutely required if I am to actually FOR REAL to assist and support myself and others in being/becoming one/equal-to our physical bodies and our physical world.

I commit myself to SHARE the education of myself within and as my Journey To Life with my children - specifically with my pre-school/kindergarten-aged child who is still home with me, I commit myself to exploring, understanding, and sharing our physical world together as an equal part of his homeschool education. 

I commit myself to remove myself from the HUMAN RACE - where I take myself out of the RACE as I am in NO HURRY to get to the FINISH LINE.  I see, realize, and understand that competing is pointless and that DEMONstrating how special/more deserving/how -amazing- /how right I am changes nothing as when and as I reach the finish line/the end, all that I used as knowledge, information, Characters and personalities to give me a 'winning edge' will die when my mind dies and my body will return to the Earth along with all of my other fellow dead Earthlings.

Within this, I commit myself to changing/re-directing/becoming Being Human where Human is my design and Being is to Be Living here equal to/as myself within and as my design and with all Beings/Earthlings that are here within and as their individual designs.

I commit myself to re-mind myself that FEAR IS LAME.  I see, realize, and understand that fear and all of the processes that go into storing and maintaining that fear are actually diminishing my physical substance and in-fact, are making me lame.

I commit myself to no longer trust my fears by telling myself that 'my fears will keep me safe' as this is simply not true.  I see, realize, and understand that my fears keep myself as a Mind Consciousness System safe - where myself as a physical body is in a safe, under-lock-and-key, and within control of the authority of my Mind that is required to MINE from my physicality/substance to survive.

Within this, I commit myself to trust myself to make cautious, common sense decisions within awareness/understanding of the environment/situation/event that I am in at any given moment.

I commit myself to self-forgive myself for any negative/positive/neutral relationships that I have created with myself and other beings and within this, I commit myself to walk the self-correction for no longer accepting and allowing these mind relationships as well as walk my self-commitments to establish real, physical relationships with myself and other beings.