Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2

Why am I judging myself so harshly??


Here I begin applying the Solution of Self-Forgiveness as self-directed from writings on Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 where I saw the extent of which I am judging myself.

Artwork By Scott Cook

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assess myself as GOOD or BAD based on my review of myself within my self-commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically find reasons within my memories of why I am bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my judgement of myself as being bad with guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the experience of guilt to my judgement of myself of bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed with myself for not standing within and as my self-commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the thought and spoken Words of 'I Forgot' to a blank picture or nothingness within my mind.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood the extent of which I have been looking to my mind for visual cues as a means to tell myself how I will react.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I am interpreting the pictures in my mind - just like when I was reading Tarot Cards - and that I have trained myself to interpret the pictures that I see to have specific meanings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the negative experiences/emotions within myself with the physical action of 'wincing' - I have not been aware of myself doing this and why and so I am not certain of when I started doing it.

Definition of Wincing = Wincing is an involuntary grimace or an involuntary slight move away because of pain, discomfort or anticipation of pain or discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'involuntarily' grimace or move away because of the pain and discomfort that I am subjecting myself to or are about to subject myself to rather than breathing, investigating why I am causing myself this pain of guilt, and work on stopping it. Instead of standing up and stopping it, I allowed it to go-on-and-on-and-on-and-on for many years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being 'bad', 'dumb', 'naive', 'wrong' and 'not good enough' for not seeing, standing, stopping, and preventing this problem of myself inflicting pain on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and be hard on myself within my realization of myself trying to 'cover-up' my negative experiences of myself with good experiences of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'bad', 'stupid', 'slow', and 'too caught up in myself' to notice where I am being dishonest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see:  I am lying to myself because I fear the badness in me and I fear others finding out about the badness in me and so I try to hide the 'badness' with what I tell myself that others will see as 'good' - the goodness of me. So I judge myself to keep myself 'in-check' and suppress myself with guilt, remorse, and disappointment to make certain that no one else ever sees the thoughts, memories, and pictures in my mind.  Because as hard as a try to make myself forget - I can't - all of my mistakes and all of the things that I have seen, done, spoke, and thought keeps coming back.

For many years prior to starting my self-forgiveness process, I was convinced that I was haunted and that a demon or an evil spirit was following me throughout my life and torturing me with this ringing in my ears, strange experiences, and whispers just beyond what I could hear.  I was certain that this evil presence could harm me and my family so I would 'ward it off' by surrounding myself and my family with the White-Blue Light and saying the Lords Prayer.

I was terrified and existed in absolute fear of what might happen at night when the lights were turned off or when I was alone during the day.

Interesting, huh?

Up next: More Self-Forgiveness!