Here I am continuing with the Thought Dimension of my ‘Just A Kid’ Character writings on Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6 and Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5.
So – looking at the re-occurring thoughts that I will bait myself into the I Am Just A Kid character, I see:
“This is too much for me. WHY do I have to do this? WHY do I have to live through this? Why must I make a decision? I am not equipped to deal with this.” And from this point of fear and being overwhelmed, I will respond within/as/to myself, “Okay, okay, I don’t have to deal with this right now. But I will – later. Right now, I just really need to have some fun and not think about this. If I forget about it, someone will remind me. Yes! And if still can’t deal with this, someone else will deal with it for me – I never had to learn how to deal with this stuff … I’m just a kid and I’ll always be just a kid. Everyone knows that I’m not the most responsible person so they don’t expect much from me anyway … I am okay with this!”
What is interesting here is that my actual living does not show this as Who I Am. What has happened, in-fact, is that I am responsible for large groups of individuals – this is how I am living. Which is the complete polar opposite of what I tell myself that I Am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bait myself with re-occurring thoughts into and as my Just A Kid character – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that these re-occurring thoughts indicate that I am activating a character/personality, I allow myself to follow myself into my mind with and as my thoughts and thus activate and become Just A Kid as it’s easier to do this rather than face myself, look at practical solutions for my situation, and then direct myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thoughts, “This is too much for me. WHY do I have to do this? WHY do I have to live through this? Why must I make a decision? I am not equipped to deal with this,” to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in the problem that I am faced with rather than directing myself within/toward a practical, livable, down-to-earth solution. I have not seen, realized, nor understood that my reward for myself within this is my freedom and independence which is something that I have always wanted for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepting and allowed myself to create my Just A Kid character for myself so that I do not have to experience myself negatively within/as being overwhelmed and fearing because I am faced with a situation that I, as my mind, have not given myself the tools to sort out effectively. So that I do not have to experience this sinking, boxed-in, and trapped-ness, I create an experience of myself for myself that is positive as the Just A Kid Character.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and imprint myself with the positive, uplifting thoughts of, “I’ll deal with this later – I’m going to go have some fun right now to take my mind off of this. If I forget, I’ve got someone to remind me! And if I ‘forget’ again, someone else will sort this out for me!”
LOL – I rarely forget anything. However, I have created and played this character so perfectly that those that ‘remind’ me and sort my messes out for me, believe that I forget everything. Even though, when asked to recount situations/events, I can do so right down to the minute details.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and experience guilt for manipulating and using tactics of deception to serve my self-interest and to maintain my control of others ‘doing things for me’. Within this manipulation and deception, I did not see, realize, nor understand that allowing myself and others to define me as Just A Kid limited me – I have limited myself from being able to make clear, direct decisions and have compromised my integrity. This is my consequence for not standing equal to myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that how I have been living in my world – within my survival system – is in polarity conflict with how I have been living outside my system of survival. When in system survival mode, I take responsibility for large groups of others – I enjoy this and I do this with ease. Outside of my survival system, I am Just A Kid and this takes some effort and does not come ‘natural’ which shows me that I am intentionally sabotaging myself and keeping myself trapped so that I do not face myself, realize myself, see anything real as myself, and thus never be free as Life.
Next, I will be walking my Imagination Dimension for my Just A Kid Character