Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Self-Commitment To Speaking Self-Forgiveness

In this blog I will be reviewing my Journey To Life blog entry Day 2: Self-Commitment To Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud.

By Marlen Vargas Del Razo

So when I moved on to this day for review and opened it up, I judged myself in an instant! "Good or bad progress here? BAD." Boom.  Man, it happens fast...

I had a full guilt (GUT) reaction and I immediately flooded my mind with pictures of myself and others that I had stored within me along the way from where I was at that moment of making the self-commitment to where I am now as if to show myself proof -- "See this? Guilty! See that? Guilty! See their disappointment? Guilty, guilty, guilty!"

I took a quick breath in and then have an inner dialogue with myself that's accompanied with a 'blank screen' in my mind, "Oh crap. Oops. Forgot about this one." I winced and then went BACK through my memories again to show myself where I had lived up to my self-commitment and said to myself, "I did pretty good." Then laughed to myself.

This entire process happened within like, 2 seconds.

And I see the lie - it's right freaking here!
"...Oops. Forgot about this one."  When in fact, I have remembered several details of the several times I have not said self-forgiveness out-loud and I remind myself of this fact EACH time I post a blog with self-forgiveness or when I direct myself in moments to speak self-forgiveness from withinside of me.  I am showing myself in vivid detail that I cannot change.  It's cool that I see it but if I've programmed this into me as an automated response that I haven't seen and realizing this, I question myself, "How long has this been going on for and WHY would I do this to myself?" Not so cool.

This is a problem.  The excuses and stuff for not speaking the self-forgiveness, I'm on that - in fact, I've been 'on-it' since I made the self-commitment - and I will walk this as well.  For the moment, let's look at The Big Eye-Opening ...

Problem: I am judging myself - there is no 'innocent until proven guilty' - I see that I am guilty and that I must prove my innocence.  I'm using my self-commitments to show myself that I am really a BAD person that has no potential to change and that I cannot be rehabilitated. And when I do this, I do it FAST, which means that I am not slowing myself down enough to see it coming.  My response to 'cover it up' is almost as quick but not fast enough - as though I hadn't fully automated my Ego to respond to the nastiness that I don't want to have to look at or be held responsible for.  After my Ego has soothed the pain of guilt, I can then laugh it off like it 'never happened', 'Oh silly me ... that's not so bad ... ha-ha-ha'.  I have trapped myself in this triangle and if I do not get myself out, I will never have the opportunity to realize who I am or what I could be without it. 

Solution: To investigate myself and to assist and support myself with writing and self-forgiveness so that I can give myself some clarity and within this, be able to find self-corrections and other preventions.  Work on stopping myself my automated judgement response.

Reward: I will have a better understanding of myself and why I am doing this to myself which is a real cool starting point.

So, in the next entry I will be walking the Solution of Self-Forgiveness.

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