Saturday, February 23, 2013

Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4


Continuing here from Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.

I remember being a young person that kept waiting to be shown the goodness that exists within others.  I was aware of myself as being the Bad Kid as I was always in some sort of trouble and because I was the Bad Kid as the kid that stood out as being a Problem amongst the Good Kids and Good People of this world, I looked for the goodness in people as I believed it must be there because it was the Good People that would point out my faults, what was wrong with me, and what I need to do to be 'Good' like them. As I got older, I would ask directly for feedback, observe others, and internalize what was Good or what works in this world so that I could create Good Characters for myself to play-out.

Anyway, because I became a person that quietly studied others and became quite skilled at absorbing their personalities so that I could be a reflection of the Good that I saw in them, people opened up to me and would tell me their secrets - which may have been easier for them to do because I was rarely shocked as my secrets were far more unacceptable, taboo, dark, and morbid in comparison to what I was hearing.  To me, these things I were told were not secrets at all - just good people making mistakes.  Unless someone told me directly, "DO NOT TELL ANYONE," I would share the stories that I was told with others - it was always an 'oh crap' moment when others would react to the stories that I shared with them about others and I would often say, "I shouldn't have said anything.  I didn't realize that was bad."

So through the years, I got myself in a lot of trouble within this point and had to 'bail myself out' time-and-time again.  I learned that there are just some things we don't talk about with others.  Actually, I learned it but I never accepted it because of my belief that humans were innately good and/or had a natural desire to be good.

In all fairness, I have been fortunate to see a raw kind of kindness, gentleness, caring, sharing and compassion in humans who assisted me many times so that I would not fall and I would not 'get lost' amongst the messiness of my living.  And from this I would re-spark my hope, faith, and belief that others had a capacity within them to be able to hear the truth without reacting - and from this point of hope, faith, and seeing that maybe my belief was correct, I would begin to share with another but it would never work out in a way that I anticipated which was to 'share, trust each other with the experiences shared, and move on'.  Instead, in a matter of weeks or months there would be a disagreement and within anger and bitterness what was shared in trust would be used against each other.

To be clear, as tempting as it is to push blame, I cannot do this as what I am showing here is in-fact reactions and behaviors that I have participated in myself as I will show in my self-forgiveness that follows:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, "I can be trusted with all of this persons secrets and everything that they tell me about themselves that they would not share with another.  I will not judge this person.  I am their friend.  I understand them and I would never do anything to hurt them."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself where I attempt to suppress and ignore the negative thoughts within me where I tell myself, "I can not be this persons friend and this person cannot be my friend.  I will probably tell someone about what I'm hearing, I will let it 'slip', or I will use the information against them when and as relationship is ending or I need to defend myself.  I am judging this person - right now - because I do not understand and I do not agree with the decisions that this person has made."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a kind, gentle, caring, sharing, and compassionate human being as this self-dishonest.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that if I were in-fact a kind, gentle, caring, sharing, and compassionate human being that I would BE this in every moment of every breath - this would never change, regardless of any moment that I am experiencing and living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect for others to be something that I am not.  I have created an unreal expectation of others within my definition of a Friend or a Fellow Human Being where I show and tell myself that to be a Friend or a Fellow Human Being, one must be supportive, unconditionally understanding, kind, gentle, caring, sharing, compassionate, and able to give a strong, comforting hug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not only attempt to force others into my imagined idea of a Friend or Fellow Human Being, but to also force myself into this role for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively when and as I hear something about another that I have defined as 'wrong', 'bad', 'taboo', 'something that you just don't do', and/or as something that does not agree with my Moral Code.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act surprised, shocked, and completely taken-aback when and as I hear something about another that does not agree with my Moral system or whatever Moral Code I'm playing within a character at any given moment.  Physically, I widen my eyes and make my expression go blank, hold for a few seconds, then gasp, "Oh my god ... no way!" From here, I participate in gossiping with the group about the details and how messed up the situation is with another that we're talking about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react positively when and as I hear something negative about and gossip about another - first, I become both excited and relieved because the gossip isn't about ME or what I was doing and second, I tell myself, "Phew ... I would never do -that-," which makes me feel better about myself within my own experiences, memories, and secrets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see the consequence of this reacting, gossiping, and self-dishonesty is: I am participating in and perpetuating a social behavior that takes the power away from one and gives it to the group that sees ourselves as 'better' because we are 'Good' - because of my agreement with this, I am in agreement with this exact same thing happening in our world where we take from the mouths of others to make ourselves more comfortable with ourselves with the justification that 'They are bad and we are good'.  When distracting myself with others processes, I am not facing my own process - I am not here in breath and I am projecting the negative about myself onto others instead of being here and bringing the negative stuff back to myself responsibly.  I am showing myself and others that I cannot be trusted - that I will react and go in for the 'kill' when and if it is within my self-interest to do so - and thus, I miss an opportunity to establish a points of integrity and self-trust with myself.  And, it is dishonest and a great disservice to myself to pretend that I am 'Better' person when I known darned well that what is going on inside of my mind is telling me that I am not this 'Better Person' at all.

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