Day 88: Journey To Life Review – Day 1
Day 1 of my Journey To Life blog I was struggling with the word
‘commitment’. I remember quite clearly that when I read or heard the
word ‘commitment’ that I would have a fear and anxiety reaction. Since
then, I was able to walk my fears and anxiety in relation to the word
‘commitment’ and within my DIP Lessons, I was able to re-define the word
‘commitment’ to mean: When I say that I’m going to do something, I do
it.
I used to avoid commitment in my life and now I do not – I see commitments as challenges to live in by what I say and to show myself that I can take responsibility for my life and the lives of those that depend on me.
From where I am now, I see that I have connected a new fears to the word ‘commitment’ and those are ‘failure’ and ‘consequence’. I fear that if I fail or fall within my commitments that I will let myself down – that I will disappoint myself and from here, allow myself to go into self-sabotage and possibly go back to the way that I was before as someone that avoided any commitment, did not direct myself, did not hold myself accountable, and dreaming for a free-spirited life. As an additional layer of this fear of commitment, I see my fear of my self-commitments that I have made in my blogs, assignments, and in-private because if I do not live up to my self-commitments – the consequence is myself experiencing myself as emotional, overwhelmed, imagining the all sorts of crazy stuff, and backchatting which I then become unstable within.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘commitment, failure, and consequence’ to fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will disappoint myself, let myself down, and go back to the way that I was before deciding to walk my process with Desteni, if I were to fail to live up to any of my commitments and/or responsibilities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making any additional self-commitments as well as fearing any past self-commitments that I have made where because I fear my instability, have separated myself from my instability, and do not want to face myself within my instability, I blame my instability on the self-commitments that I have made as though they are existing in some universe out there beyond my understanding and are coming back to get me like Karma.
I forgive myself that I have accepted allowed myself to imagine consequence as a big, scarey, and all-powerful Universe Monster that’s coming to get me if I do not stand and live my commitments, responsibilities, and my self-commitments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I do not have to apply myself ‘all the time’ within my commitments, self-commitments, and responsibilities because ‘I’ve walked it and lived it enough already – I get it – and it doesn’t apply to me anymore so I can do what I want now’
.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am telling myself that I have transcended the points within my commitments, self-commitments, and responsibilities because I do not actually want to change and that I do not want to let go of my patterns, habits, and addictions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination to scare myself into not making any changes because within myself I have made it okay to justify my not changing because of the consequences I have imagined in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself ‘whoa … okay, then, it’s decided, I’m not changing,” when and as I imagine something bad happening if I let go of a pattern, habit, or addiction because from this imagining I create a physical fear reaction in my solar plexus that spreads through my body like a hot wave. I gasp. I panic. I say, “No way. I can’t I go there. Too risky.”
I used to avoid commitment in my life and now I do not – I see commitments as challenges to live in by what I say and to show myself that I can take responsibility for my life and the lives of those that depend on me.
From where I am now, I see that I have connected a new fears to the word ‘commitment’ and those are ‘failure’ and ‘consequence’. I fear that if I fail or fall within my commitments that I will let myself down – that I will disappoint myself and from here, allow myself to go into self-sabotage and possibly go back to the way that I was before as someone that avoided any commitment, did not direct myself, did not hold myself accountable, and dreaming for a free-spirited life. As an additional layer of this fear of commitment, I see my fear of my self-commitments that I have made in my blogs, assignments, and in-private because if I do not live up to my self-commitments – the consequence is myself experiencing myself as emotional, overwhelmed, imagining the all sorts of crazy stuff, and backchatting which I then become unstable within.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘commitment, failure, and consequence’ to fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will disappoint myself, let myself down, and go back to the way that I was before deciding to walk my process with Desteni, if I were to fail to live up to any of my commitments and/or responsibilities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making any additional self-commitments as well as fearing any past self-commitments that I have made where because I fear my instability, have separated myself from my instability, and do not want to face myself within my instability, I blame my instability on the self-commitments that I have made as though they are existing in some universe out there beyond my understanding and are coming back to get me like Karma.
I forgive myself that I have accepted allowed myself to imagine consequence as a big, scarey, and all-powerful Universe Monster that’s coming to get me if I do not stand and live my commitments, responsibilities, and my self-commitments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I do not have to apply myself ‘all the time’ within my commitments, self-commitments, and responsibilities because ‘I’ve walked it and lived it enough already – I get it – and it doesn’t apply to me anymore so I can do what I want now’
.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am telling myself that I have transcended the points within my commitments, self-commitments, and responsibilities because I do not actually want to change and that I do not want to let go of my patterns, habits, and addictions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination to scare myself into not making any changes because within myself I have made it okay to justify my not changing because of the consequences I have imagined in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself ‘whoa … okay, then, it’s decided, I’m not changing,” when and as I imagine something bad happening if I let go of a pattern, habit, or addiction because from this imagining I create a physical fear reaction in my solar plexus that spreads through my body like a hot wave. I gasp. I panic. I say, “No way. I can’t I go there. Too risky.”
