Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5
As I was reading over Parts 1 – 4 of my JTL Day 1 Review, I asked
myself the question, “Where was it that I started telling myself that I
am this person that does not make commitments?”
I remember when I was told that I was not responsible. I remember this so clearly that I can still see myself, as a middle-schooler, struggling to write out the Words ‘Responsible and Responsibility ‘ for a writing assignment. I remember that being told that I was not responsible really bothered me as this is not how I saw myself – the Word did not match up to the definition of myself that I had already accepted for myself at that time which was, ‘Just A Kid’.
So, I learned how to use this new Definition of myself as Irresponsible to my advantage and as such, I lived this Word out as per the world’s definition of the Word and would attach this principle of living to other living Words like, ‘Commitment’. My world made this very easy for me to do because it’s generally accepted that one can be irresponsible and not live up to one’s commitment agreements.
In this world, we value individuality and free choice for one to be whatever is best for one’s own interests. In my life I’ve seen us do unspeakable acts toward each other and it’s seen as ‘okay’ if it has been done with ‘good intentions’ or if a person is seen as a ‘good person’.
Having realized this, I can use my free choice to release myself from the memories that I’ve used to define myself and from here re-define myself as an individual that cares for myself and others by living responsibly and living my self-commitments.
The reward for myself within this is that I will no longer have to look outside of myself for confirmation that I’m doing okay and that I’m a good person. I will take a great deal of pressure off of myself and no longer require myself to have to continually re-define myself to please or prove myself to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate the Word Irresponsible into and as myself and my living because a source from outside of myself that I considered an authority over me told me that this is who and what I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, “I Am Irresponsible,” to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out the definition of the Word Irresponsible as a response to myself listening to the thought, “I Am Irresponsible.”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the Word and Meaning of the Word Responsible to the Words, “I Do Not Make Commitments – I Am Not A Committed Person – I Avoid Commitments – I Have Others That Take Care of My Commitments For Me”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative judgement of myself within and as my living as Irresponsible and Non-Committed. I tell myself that a person that lives in this way is a ‘bad person’ that does not deserve the life that they have been given – so, bringing this judgement back to myself, I am telling myself that I am a bad person that does not deserve the life that I have been given. Within this judgement of myself that I have attempted to separate myself from, I do not give myself the opportunity to see a mistake that I have made nor the opportunity to release myself from the obsessive/possessive thoughts, memories, and reactions to a mistake that I have made.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself turn the negative about myself that I do not want to experience into a positive where I use that which I see as negative about me to get a positive result that is in my best interest. Instead of changing myself so that I no longer am that which I see as not acceptable, I abdicate myself. This is easy when in a moment where I am desiring to not have a negative experience of myself – however, within this, I do not see the long-term effect/consequence of me avoiding, justifying, and abdicating myself is that because I have given the power to make responsible decisions and commitments to another, I place myself at the will of another to to tell me who I am, what I am, what’s important, and what I stand for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine what an Irresponsible Person That Does Not Make Commitments acts, lives-out, and speaks as to make the playing of this character real and believable. Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the negative scenarios that I can encounter within which I can use this character to ‘get out of it’. Time-and-time-again, when I have not been actually able to escape from the negative consequences of my actions by using this character, I have a temper-tantrum and blame everything and everyone outside of myself until someone steps in and takes responsibility for my commitments and/or cleans up the mess from my not taking responsibility for my commitments. Instead of standing up and taking care of my mistakes, I expect others to do this for me as this is how I imagined it would be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically express myself as an Irresponsible Person That Does Not Make Commitments by making myself appear to be submissive to those that claim to have the ability to fix my mistakes – I show myself as vulnerable and helpless to this big-scarey-world by demonstrating insecurity, naivety, innocence, confusion, and mentally-emotionally unable/disabled/unstable.
I remember when I was told that I was not responsible. I remember this so clearly that I can still see myself, as a middle-schooler, struggling to write out the Words ‘Responsible and Responsibility ‘ for a writing assignment. I remember that being told that I was not responsible really bothered me as this is not how I saw myself – the Word did not match up to the definition of myself that I had already accepted for myself at that time which was, ‘Just A Kid’.
So, I learned how to use this new Definition of myself as Irresponsible to my advantage and as such, I lived this Word out as per the world’s definition of the Word and would attach this principle of living to other living Words like, ‘Commitment’. My world made this very easy for me to do because it’s generally accepted that one can be irresponsible and not live up to one’s commitment agreements.
In this world, we value individuality and free choice for one to be whatever is best for one’s own interests. In my life I’ve seen us do unspeakable acts toward each other and it’s seen as ‘okay’ if it has been done with ‘good intentions’ or if a person is seen as a ‘good person’.
Having realized this, I can use my free choice to release myself from the memories that I’ve used to define myself and from here re-define myself as an individual that cares for myself and others by living responsibly and living my self-commitments.
The reward for myself within this is that I will no longer have to look outside of myself for confirmation that I’m doing okay and that I’m a good person. I will take a great deal of pressure off of myself and no longer require myself to have to continually re-define myself to please or prove myself to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate the Word Irresponsible into and as myself and my living because a source from outside of myself that I considered an authority over me told me that this is who and what I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, “I Am Irresponsible,” to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out the definition of the Word Irresponsible as a response to myself listening to the thought, “I Am Irresponsible.”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the Word and Meaning of the Word Responsible to the Words, “I Do Not Make Commitments – I Am Not A Committed Person – I Avoid Commitments – I Have Others That Take Care of My Commitments For Me”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative judgement of myself within and as my living as Irresponsible and Non-Committed. I tell myself that a person that lives in this way is a ‘bad person’ that does not deserve the life that they have been given – so, bringing this judgement back to myself, I am telling myself that I am a bad person that does not deserve the life that I have been given. Within this judgement of myself that I have attempted to separate myself from, I do not give myself the opportunity to see a mistake that I have made nor the opportunity to release myself from the obsessive/possessive thoughts, memories, and reactions to a mistake that I have made.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself turn the negative about myself that I do not want to experience into a positive where I use that which I see as negative about me to get a positive result that is in my best interest. Instead of changing myself so that I no longer am that which I see as not acceptable, I abdicate myself. This is easy when in a moment where I am desiring to not have a negative experience of myself – however, within this, I do not see the long-term effect/consequence of me avoiding, justifying, and abdicating myself is that because I have given the power to make responsible decisions and commitments to another, I place myself at the will of another to to tell me who I am, what I am, what’s important, and what I stand for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine what an Irresponsible Person That Does Not Make Commitments acts, lives-out, and speaks as to make the playing of this character real and believable. Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the negative scenarios that I can encounter within which I can use this character to ‘get out of it’. Time-and-time-again, when I have not been actually able to escape from the negative consequences of my actions by using this character, I have a temper-tantrum and blame everything and everyone outside of myself until someone steps in and takes responsibility for my commitments and/or cleans up the mess from my not taking responsibility for my commitments. Instead of standing up and taking care of my mistakes, I expect others to do this for me as this is how I imagined it would be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically express myself as an Irresponsible Person That Does Not Make Commitments by making myself appear to be submissive to those that claim to have the ability to fix my mistakes – I show myself as vulnerable and helpless to this big-scarey-world by demonstrating insecurity, naivety, innocence, confusion, and mentally-emotionally unable/disabled/unstable.
