Day 90: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 3
There is another meaning to the word ‘Commit’ which has come up
again in my life as ‘Committed’ where others have said of me,
“Can’t we just have her committed?” And it’s interesting that this point
came up because I looked at this point specifically in a blog that I
shared where, in the past, another has threatened to have another person in our lives ‘committed’ with the reasoning that they ‘can’t be trusted
to take care of themselves’.
The reality is that this threat was made in an attempt to gain control over another because there was disapproval, disagreement, and our family-friend did not do as ‘they were told’.
This is something that I feared happening to me because if another were able to commit me, it would de-value me and say to the world that I cannot be trusted with the life that I have been given. I would lose any ‘say’, I would be seen for the rest of my life as unstable, and I would no longer be able to make decisions that are best for myself, my family, and the other points in my life that are important to me.
I took it personal when another brought up having me committed – I mean, what if they could get away with it – what does this say about how they see me? Do they really have no respect or value for my life what-so-ever?
And, how far would they go? Does it end here with them saying, “Well, too bad we can’t have her committed …” and move on – or will they look for reasons, angles, information, and experiences that I’ve shared that they could use against me?
The fact is – I do not trust this system – I’ve seen weirder more irrational and WTF situations and outcomes happen here than clear, common-sense, practical situations and outcomes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I hear that another in my life asked the question, “Can’t we just have her committed?” I took it personal, I became angry, and I asked myself, “How could they even consider doing this to me?”
See – if this person had been reading my blogs they would have read about my walking my fear of commitment – they would have understood and not 'gone there'.
Lol – I’ve been here before.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect another to behave or be a certain way that matches how my ideal relationship would be with them within my imagination. In my mind, I see my ideal relationship with this person as being calm, supportive, reasonable, accepting, and reasonable – I imagine soft smiles, warm hugs, and each protecting, standing-up-for, and looking out for each others best interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed because another has not changed to become what -I- want. Within me I have an expectation of myself that I must change others by changing myself and because of this, when others do not change to match what I imagine they could be, I experience a disappointment with myself for not changing them and a disappointment with others for not changing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that others not changing is an indication that I am not changing – and thus, within believing this thought, I set myself up for an experience of being a failure within this I tell myself that I have undertaken an impossible task.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thought, “This is impossible. Us human beings are never going to be able to fix ourselves.” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this thought to exist within and as me. I have not seen, realized, nor understood that this is me as my mind giving me the opportunity to take the easy, lazy way out – because, after all, if I tell myself that it is impossible and if I believe and live within my decision to believe this, then I don’t have to put in much effort – alls I’ve gotta say is, “Why bother?” Shrug, and move on within my process at my own pace for my own benefit exclusively.
So, these are points that have come up within me in-relation to this side of of the Word Commitment. What really needs to be looked at here, however, is my fear of being Committed, as being committed to a mental facility and losing my human right to make decisions for myself and my child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to tell myself that the ability to make decisions is my human right. Because I believe this, I fear losing this and I fight for this – I wage war within and without to protect my ability to make decisions. I do not see that this is me fighting for my individuality to protect who ‘I Am’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my ability to direct who I Am because I have created the belief that one who loses their ability to direct who they are is insane, deranged, crazy, irrational, psychotic, and anti-social. Because I fear being seen how I see others who have lost their ability to direct themselves, I do not allow myself to let go of my control over myself with my thoughts, beliefs, imaginations, backchats, and reactions. I fear that any change within and as me may lead to the embarrassment of losing my ability to make decisions for myself, my life, and my child.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow an imagination of myself in a straight-jacket or trapped in a mental hospital with my ass hanging out of hospital gown to keep me from changing and standing up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a picture/moving imagery of me that is not real, that has not happened, that has never happened, and probably won’t happen to have control and power over me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative experience of being lost, confined, trapped, frustrated, screaming, and pulling at my hair to the imagination of myself trapped in a mental hospital as a way to instill additional fear within myself so that I avoid changing within a moment to breath, not react, and to explore common-sense and practical solutions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the positive experience of humor and making-fun-of-myself to the experience of being lost, confined, trapped, frustrated, screaming, pulling at my hair, and having my ass hanging out as to separate myself from my fear and panic of imagining myself in this way.
The reality is that this threat was made in an attempt to gain control over another because there was disapproval, disagreement, and our family-friend did not do as ‘they were told’.
This is something that I feared happening to me because if another were able to commit me, it would de-value me and say to the world that I cannot be trusted with the life that I have been given. I would lose any ‘say’, I would be seen for the rest of my life as unstable, and I would no longer be able to make decisions that are best for myself, my family, and the other points in my life that are important to me.
I took it personal when another brought up having me committed – I mean, what if they could get away with it – what does this say about how they see me? Do they really have no respect or value for my life what-so-ever?
And, how far would they go? Does it end here with them saying, “Well, too bad we can’t have her committed …” and move on – or will they look for reasons, angles, information, and experiences that I’ve shared that they could use against me?
The fact is – I do not trust this system – I’ve seen weirder more irrational and WTF situations and outcomes happen here than clear, common-sense, practical situations and outcomes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I hear that another in my life asked the question, “Can’t we just have her committed?” I took it personal, I became angry, and I asked myself, “How could they even consider doing this to me?”
See – if this person had been reading my blogs they would have read about my walking my fear of commitment – they would have understood and not 'gone there'.
Lol – I’ve been here before.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect another to behave or be a certain way that matches how my ideal relationship would be with them within my imagination. In my mind, I see my ideal relationship with this person as being calm, supportive, reasonable, accepting, and reasonable – I imagine soft smiles, warm hugs, and each protecting, standing-up-for, and looking out for each others best interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed because another has not changed to become what -I- want. Within me I have an expectation of myself that I must change others by changing myself and because of this, when others do not change to match what I imagine they could be, I experience a disappointment with myself for not changing them and a disappointment with others for not changing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that others not changing is an indication that I am not changing – and thus, within believing this thought, I set myself up for an experience of being a failure within this I tell myself that I have undertaken an impossible task.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thought, “This is impossible. Us human beings are never going to be able to fix ourselves.” I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this thought to exist within and as me. I have not seen, realized, nor understood that this is me as my mind giving me the opportunity to take the easy, lazy way out – because, after all, if I tell myself that it is impossible and if I believe and live within my decision to believe this, then I don’t have to put in much effort – alls I’ve gotta say is, “Why bother?” Shrug, and move on within my process at my own pace for my own benefit exclusively.
So, these are points that have come up within me in-relation to this side of of the Word Commitment. What really needs to be looked at here, however, is my fear of being Committed, as being committed to a mental facility and losing my human right to make decisions for myself and my child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to tell myself that the ability to make decisions is my human right. Because I believe this, I fear losing this and I fight for this – I wage war within and without to protect my ability to make decisions. I do not see that this is me fighting for my individuality to protect who ‘I Am’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my ability to direct who I Am because I have created the belief that one who loses their ability to direct who they are is insane, deranged, crazy, irrational, psychotic, and anti-social. Because I fear being seen how I see others who have lost their ability to direct themselves, I do not allow myself to let go of my control over myself with my thoughts, beliefs, imaginations, backchats, and reactions. I fear that any change within and as me may lead to the embarrassment of losing my ability to make decisions for myself, my life, and my child.
I forgive myself that I accept and allow an imagination of myself in a straight-jacket or trapped in a mental hospital with my ass hanging out of hospital gown to keep me from changing and standing up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a picture/moving imagery of me that is not real, that has not happened, that has never happened, and probably won’t happen to have control and power over me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative experience of being lost, confined, trapped, frustrated, screaming, and pulling at my hair to the imagination of myself trapped in a mental hospital as a way to instill additional fear within myself so that I avoid changing within a moment to breath, not react, and to explore common-sense and practical solutions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the positive experience of humor and making-fun-of-myself to the experience of being lost, confined, trapped, frustrated, screaming, pulling at my hair, and having my ass hanging out as to separate myself from my fear and panic of imagining myself in this way.
