Saturday, February 23, 2013

Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5

Why do I always get myself in trouble??

Continuing here from Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.

I had a moment where I was presented with a decision to do or to not to do something that I 'normally' would not do as a response to the multiple voices within me that say, "Not a good idea."  But I was curious and I wanted to see the outcome of doing something that I normally would not do.  So, like a 'bull in a china shop', I ignored my inner-dialogue and pushed a point because I desired to prove a specific outcome and wanted to see if it was true.

Understand that even though I was participating in a behavior that is something I would not 'normally' do, what was actually happening is that I was participating in a behavioral pattern that I have been repeating since I can remember which is:  I see an opportunity for knowledge and information that I have not experienced first-hand in my physical living, I become curious to see what will happen, I charge forward and do not allow myself to hear what's going on within my mind and within this I do not consider any consequences - nor do I see that 'I have to' because I tell myself that I am pushing forward to discover the truth or the outcome.  I am on a mission that does not consider others nor do I consider myself within and as where/who/what I have directed myself to be.  What I have not seen, time-and-time again is that this curiosity, pushing, and bullying through a point leads to trouble.

The only difference this time within this experience is that I made certain that I remained stable where I would not allow myself to get caught up in mind flooding with judgmental voices from the past and future.  Instead of allowing myself to have an 'oh crap ... what did I do?' moment that spirals out-of-control, I breathed, listened to myself, observed my physical reactions and had an 'ah-ha!' moment.

Within this 'ah-ha' moment, I saw where I told myself, 'That Was Bad' and from this starting point all of the voices of those that I have listened to within their judgments of others descended upon me - where I would tell myself as others personalities what their opinion was on 'what I did'.  It was fascinated to see the extent of the amount of others as pictures, expressions, voices, and personalities I had stored within me to tell me how 'bad/wrong' I am.  And with each personality that I brought forth, I would have a fear reaction to each as, "Oh no, this person is going to react to me and I am probably going to lose them for real this time."

I imagine that if I had not been stable and directed myself to stand within my decision at the time that I would have gone into a full-blown mind-possession where I would beat on myself with these voices, opinions, personalities, and reactions for days or weeks on end until I had a melt-down.

This has been going on within and as me for a very long time.  This whole thing - where my Curiosity from self-interested desires, wants, and needs baits me into a mind possession triggered by the Word, 'Bad'.

"You're bad."
"That's bad."
"I'm bad."

So, I see many problems here that are required for myself to write, self-forgive, and take responsibility for.

Problem: I Am Curious - this is how I live and express myself.  I have assigned a positive meaning to the Word Curious as being fun, cute, inquisitive and mischievous - like a kitty cat.  I have not seen that over-and-over again that my curiosity expression from my point of self-interest leads to an outcome that can in some way, shape, form or another be defined as Bad.  To the Word Bad, I have attached a Fear of Loss - fear of losing others and the relationships that I have defined myself by, within, and as others. 

I do not consider consequence within the decision making process of asking myself, "Am I placing others first and doing what is best for all?" or, "Am I placing myself first, acting on impulse, doing what interests me and/or what benefits me only?"

From my fear of loss of self and my fear of survival, I have internalized the personalities, opinions, and expressions of others so that I can react, in any given moment, as what another 'wants to hear or see' as both a self-defense mechanism and a system of control over what I see as 'Bad/Wrong' about me.

Solution: To focus in on and dissect each of these points with writing and self-forgiveness.  To self-correct and self-commit myself to no longer be influenced by what is 'Bad/Good/Right/Wrong' and my self-interests within my decision-making process and to instead make my decisions based on 'What Is Best For All' and placing myself second.

Reward: A clearer understanding of myself and my responsibility as a co-creator of our world as it currently exists.  Self-trust that I will make decisions based on how my decisions will effect others, my physical body, and my world via my living expression, my Words, and my vote.  Break myself out of a pattern that is counter-productive to my development of Self.

So, in the next blog I will be focusing on my 'I Am Curious' Ego/Personality/Character.

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