Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

On November 5, 2012 is when I decided to no longer hide from my dependence on Adderall and to instead begin writing about it.  At this point in my walking my dependence, I shared the writings in private and not public because I was not yet prepared to discuss the situation in public and I saw that revealing this could put a strain on some relationships that were already in conflict.

So, this point emerged when I reacted to the statement: You're Higher Than The Rest of Us.

Here it is:

I have been in conflict for many months within my decision to take Adderall - AKA, amphetamine salts. I have justified to myself that I NEED this drug to effectively live up to my work, home, and other responsibilities. I have told myself that this drug assists me in staying focused, alert, 'social', and requiring a very small amount of sleep, however, I am seeing that I have been lying to myself. The truth is, I LIKE this drug - I like being on High, I like being seen as having a great amount of stamina, I like going fast, and I LOVE it that I do not suffer from the 'lows' that others around me are experiencing.

So, yes, I AM, in physical fact, higher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to hearing, 'You are higher than the rest of us," with dismissal - I have not allowed myself to see that I am receiving a clear indication of why my application is not effective in that by making myself physically, mentally, and emotionally higher than others, that I am cheating myself and others as I am not allowing myself to be equal-to and one with myself and others. From close to the very start of my decision to take Adderall again,  it became clear to me that I was not standing equal-to and one with myself and others and yet instead of taking responsibility for my decision at that moment and stopping all of my fears in relation to stopping myself from taking this drug, I continued as it was easier to justify myself as needing this for my 'own reasons' and thus separate myself from others rather than facing the physical resistance that I saw others experiencing. I saw but did not want to be honest with myself that the consequence of this decision would separate me by my own accord as within my understanding of oneness and equality. I told myself that I was not working as hard as others and thus I am not allowed to stand equal-to and one with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a moment of 'being high' to self-sabotage my participation in my world where there were many times that I dropped out of participating in activities that were best because I feared having to change myself to be/become equal-to others and did not want to give up my High Reward - I have sold myself out for a Reward where the cost is my future physical self and the Reward is a guarantee that I won't become Low, that I am now 'thin', that I can engage others within a demonstration of high-energy, and that I can push my body to the point of agony.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience MANY moments of negativity within my taking of Adderall as Regret, Shame, and Guilt for not standing and then positively as telling myself that I am 'doing the right thing' and in the end it would 'all pay off', and the neutral as, 'I'll stop when I am ready and/or have less responsibility'. I have seen this negative to positive to neutral cycle within myself but have not moved myself to change myself nor remove myself from this cycle via my own direction - instead, from my point of neutrality, I waited for and outside 'sign' that CLEARLY and without a doubt would show me that 'it is time - are you life or are you not - are you here with us or are you not' before taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "I cannot do this without Adderall," and "If I do not take Adderall, I'm going to go 'down'," and "Yeah ... you're bringing the rest of us down, you need an addy," to exist within and as me. I have not allowed myself to hear myself communicating to myself that I see myself as not being able to move and direct myself effectively without the assistance of something/someone outside of myself and that if I am not 'high' that I will bring others 'down' - and instead of taking responsibility, investigating, and assisting and supporting myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction, I accepted the lie and allowed myself to live-out the lie over-and-over again rather than de-bunking the lie and giving myself the gift of self-trust via understanding and then agreement with myself to move myself in a way that is best rather than desiring for others to move with me and my self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see  - or see and dismiss that when I am taking Adderall, that I clench and grind my teeth until my jaw is sore because I am angry and 'grinding my gears' and yet, I suppress this within telling myself that, "I'm on Adderall. I cannot be angry! I cannot be sad! I am above this! It is all THEIR FAULT - it must be! I am clear, focused and getting MY work done! GO ME!" - I have definitely not allowed myself to see until now that I use my information and knowledge about Adderall, to tell myself that I am POSITIVE, amazing, and perfect rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that the REAL indicator is my physical body and that I am demonstrating to myself that I am willing to put myself in pain and ignore my body's signals which are telling me that all is not cool in exchange for the promise of positivity/Good Things.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to accept the belief that Adderall has magically changed me from a fat person to a thin person and because of my fear of getting 'big' again and my telling myself that if I stop taking Adderall that I will become physically big and no longer be comfortable in/with my body, I tell myself that is not in my best interest to stop taking Adderall. I have not seen nor realized that Adderall has not made me physically thinner and that what has actually made me physically thinner is increased physical activity, dehydration, and improper nutrition because I have trapped myself within my mind-backchat where I ignore my physical body instead of being aware of what my physical body needs.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that if stop taking Adderall, that I will become heavy again and within this, for every day of the 8 days that I have not taken Adderall, I weigh myself to see if there is any change - On days where it looks as though I've gained weight, I become frustrated, worried, anxious, and angry and say, "What am I gonna do? I'm going to be fat and miserable again -- I can't go back there ..." and on the days where my weight is below a certain marker, I say, "Phew. Okay. I'm okay. Maybe it wasn't the Adderall making me thin ..." I have not see, realized, nor understood that I am going from one polarity to another, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute as I allow myself to swing back and forth between being 'okay' with myself and then in the next moment, 'not okay' with myself.

Day 121: How Could You Do This To Me? -- Self-Forgiveness

Traumatic Event 1 - Part 2

Day 120: How Could You Do This To Me?
In this blog, I am walking Day 121: Self-Forgiveness



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to play-out the memory of myself within a shocking/traumatic event to incite thoughts of betrayal and being unloved to which I react with experiencing myself again-and-again as hurt, vulnerable, and angry.  Additionally, I use this memory to prove that others cannot be trusted and that, when I am experiencing a traumatic, shocking, and/or stressful event, the only person countable for support and assistance is myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I deserve to be hurt, betrayed, and unloved because of my bad behavior - because I have been bad, I tell myself that I have brought these things onto myself and that if I had been good that I would have earned better treatment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and force others into my definition of what a loving person is.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and force myself into my definition of what a loving person is.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood the great amount of conflict that I have created for myself by forcing myself and trying to force others into being something that is not real and that none of us are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect an apology from outside of myself instead of bringing this point back to myself and forgiving myself for the extensive amount of trauma that I make myself re-live over-and-over-and-over again.  Instead of facing my memories and releasing these memories with writing and forgiveness, I choose to cling to my memories as a reminder of why others deserve my spite, my anger, and my aggression as well as to remind myself why I deserve to receive spite, anger, and aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the memories of myself within traumatic events because I fear that I will forget and that I will 'set myself up' to get hurt again.  Within and as this fear of loss, I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I am manifesting these fear within my mind where I continue to hurt myself time-and-time-and-time-again - so, this fear is in-fact useless, has not protected me, and has not changed anything in my living at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that another outside of myself can provide safety, care, and trust.  Because of this image/belief that I created, I have been on the constant look-out for another that I can depend on to provide this for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for another to keep me safe, cared for, and show that others outside of myself can be trusted.  Within and as this desire, I have made decisions that are not in the best interest of anyone - including myself - and I have created undesirable consequences.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize, nor understand that the safety, caring, and trust that I'm looking for outside of myself are actually the points that I must bring/give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and separate myself from my memories and because of this separation, attempting to ignore, and running-away-from, I have not allowed myself to change my ways of living to establish my well-being, self-care, self-trust, and self-love.

Day 119: How Do I Change Myself To Not Be Stressed In The Future?

ART By Scott Cook

 Traumatic Events and Stresses

In the is blog series, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

Additional Content:
Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress? 
Day 116: How Do I React To Stressful Events?
Day 117: How Has Stress Changed Me?
Day 118: How Do I Change The Way I Direct Stressful Events?

I commit myself to stopping my reacting to unanticipated events, experiences, and problems with panic, worry, anxiety, and/or conflicting positive/negative reactions by breathing and stabilizing myself in the moment - once I am clear, then I will direct the event, experience, and/or problem.

Instead of ignoring my reactions that emerged in that moment, I commit myself to later investigating my reactions to an event, experience, and/or problem and supporting myself with self-forgiveness and self-correction for how to change when and as I face my reactions to a potentially stressful event, experience, and/or problem in the future.

I commit myself to allowing myself to consider feedback and suggestions from others on how to handle/look-at/solve problems and unexpected events/experiences by first, stopping myself from going into my judgement of others, second stopping myself from thinking while others are speaking, and third, assisting myself to not be influenced by my thoughts and judgements of others by using the tools of writing and self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to stop devaluing others experiences by stopping myself from devaluing my own by investigating and researching myself, others, and the world.  Within this, I commit myself to stop dismissing others and actually allowing myself to hear.

I commit myself to relieving some of the stress in my living by allowing others to take on tasks, situations, events, problems, and experiences with me.  I do this within the realization that I am not alone when things get tough - and so, I remind myself that just because something looks 'tough' or 'impossible' to me, does not mean that the way that -I- see it is the way it -actually- is, it makes sense for me to discuss the task, situation, event, problem and/or experience with another that may have the solution.

I commit myself to working on stopping my personality conflicts/polarities with writing and self-forgiveness as these will assist and support me in understanding where my conflicts are coming from, when I created them, and why.

I commit myself to developing an awareness of myself within conflict, polarity, and stress by responding to the indicators from my physical body (clenching my teeth, licking my lips, sighing, etc.) with breathing, slowing myself down, and aligning myself to my physical body.

I commit myself to stopping myself from choosing a personality/character that suits me best in the moment by reminding myself that this places me in-conflict with myself and compromises my self-honesty, self-trust, and the development of my integrity/standing.  Additionally, I commit myself to removing the personalities/characters in which I am unable to stand by/for/as which are the personalities/characters I stored/memorized/scripted/created for my own personal gain, self-interest, and/or a means to keep myself locked in to patterns.

I commit myself to working on slowing myself down and to stop moving quickly from task to another by reminding myself that this behavior indicates that in my mind I am moving quickly from one point to another in my mind to which I am reacting to and ignoring/running from rather than sorting out.  An additional reminder to myself here is that if I do not allow myself time to relax, breath, and sort things out that I end up pushing myself mentally and physically to the point of burn-out.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to remove stress from my living by removing the conflicting Ego definitions of myself with the tools of writing and self-forgiveness within seeing, realizing, and understanding that none of these definitions are actually me.

Day 68: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 6

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/search/label/bravery

My last blog was on Wednesday, November 28 and it is now Monday, December 3.  I was busy at work this past week preparing for a large event for 450 guests on Saturday where the work went into Sunday.  It is astounding to me how much time I 'lose' when I'm at work.  And time has been a point that I have been walking which I will share later.  For the moment, I'm picking up where I left off from:

Day 67: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 5

Which was Self-Correction from writing and Self-Forgiveness within:
Day 66: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 4
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I lose respect, that I will not be able to 'show my face' in the the town that I live in, the city that I work in, and the places in my world that I frequently go to/like to go to - I fear that others in my environments will reject me, be afraid of me, be nervous around me, be uncomfortable around me, judge me, and 'look' at me as if to communicate that they think/see me as insane."

When and as I see that I am fearing showing who I am as what I stand for and as, I stop and I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that this has nothing to do with others and has everything to do with me - I am the only one that rejects me, I am the one that fears changing, I am the one that is nervous with myself and uncomfortable with being with myself, I am the one that judges me, and I am the one that communicates to myself that I must be fucking insane.  I commit myself to stop projecting my rejection, my fear, my nervousness, my uncomfortableness, my judgement, and myself seeing myself as insane onto others and using them as a point of blame and to stand within and as this commitment, I investigate these points as they come up within me and/or as I 'interpret' that these points are coming up outside of me and/or directed at me from outside of me - I do this in breath.  And from here, I assist and support myself to become equal-to these points with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'physical places and the people within those physical places' to my fear of losing respect and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

When and as I see that I am connecting a physical place with fear of loss, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that attaching a fear of loss to a place does not make a place 'mine', does not make a place 'safe', and does not keep the place from being removed or myself from being removed from a place - it changes nothing.  In-fact, I have seen, realized, and understood this via watching how the fear of loss actually works within this physical world in that - if I fear losing something, a place, a person, or whatever it is, I will eventually lose it so it makes no sense to hold onto this crap with fear.  Why do this to myself?  So, I commit myself to stop myself from making fear of loss connections with places, things, and people by first become aware of the relationship my connections with the 'things' in my life, one-by-one/moment-to-moment and then write these relationship connections out, day-to-day and a few pieces at a time - then self-forgive myself and give myself the gift of getting rid of all of this crap.

To be continued.

Day 58: Nothing I Do Is Wrong - Self-Forgiveness, Continued

 

This blog is a continuation of:
Day 57: Nothing I Do Is Wrong
Day 56: I Am More Than You - Self-Correction, Continued
Day 55: I Am More - More Than You - Self-Correction for
Day 54: I Am More - More Than You - Continued  
Day 53: I Am More - More Than You
Day 52: I Am Above This - Continued - Self-Correction,
Day 51: I Am Above This - Continued
Day 50: I Am Above This 
Day 49: I Am Perfect, and
Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my back-chat blame others for me not assisting and supporting myself where I tell myself within myself, "I can't work on this point because -you- do not understand, -you- do not take an interest in my blogs, -you- are pushing my buttons, and -you- won't give me the space to work on this and figure this out." I have not wanted to see: That I am expecting others to do for me what I am not doing for myself and thus, I am abdicating myself. And, that I have been equally not supportive of others in my world by not making an effort to understand, not taking an interest in others work/blogs/activities, pushing others buttons, and not giving others space to work on figuring themselves out/developing themselves.  Instead of taking responsibility for this and directing this within my reality, I transformed it into blame in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others in my world for something that I was, in-fact, doing myself instead of taking responsibility for not supporting myself and others and thus, within doing this, asking others in my world to equally support me so we all have the opportunity to become equal and one in taking responsibility for the support of ourselves and each other instead of me accepting and allowing the blame inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create inner-conflict in my mind toward others in my world through accepting and allowing myself to blame others in my back-chat instead of communicating with myself and others about not being supportive and within this, coming to a practical solution instead of accepting and allowing myself to generate more and more and more conflict within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resort to blame within myself as my mind-back-chat instead of investigating my reactions towards others in my world within myself and then taking responsibility for what I'm experiencing, accepting and allowing within myself - but instead I've been taking it out on everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create unnecessary conflict within my mind and because of this, I have been sabotaging my relationship with myself and my relationships with others in my world through not establishing communication with myself in investigating my own accepted and allowed mind-reactions of back-chat and thus not establishing effective communication with others in my world, where the relationship within me then became that of blame instead of equal and one consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak to others within my mind as back-chat within blame instead of initiating actual direct and clear communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "I cannot work on this point because -you- do not support me, -you- do not understand, -you- do not take an interest in my blogs, -you- are pushing my buttons, and -you- won't give me the space to work on this and figure this out," to come up and exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the back-chat, "I cannot work on this point because -you- do not support me, -you- do not understand, -you- do not take an interest in my blogs, -you- are pushing my buttons, and -you- won't give me the space to work on this and figure this out," was, in-fact, me speaking to myself, but I accepted and allowed myself to project it in blame towards others in my world and to not see, realize, and understand that I am doing the exact same thing in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the back-chat, "I cannot work on this point because -you- do not support me, -you- do not understand, -you- do not take interest in my blogs, -you- are pushing my buttons, and -you- won't give me the space to work on this and figure this out," to blame others in my world instead of taking responsibility for me in myself in my world, but instead accepted and allowed myself to resort to blame instead of me taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my own tendency of not being supportive onto/towards others in my world where I create conflict with others in my world and not seeing, realizing, nor understanding that all along, I have been showing myself through others in my world that I have the exact same tendency of not being supportive - I didn't see, realize, nor understand this because I accepted and allowed myself to be possessed with blame.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I am not taking responsibility for my not being supportive, that I am suppressing it, denying it, ignoring it with me and instead I am taking it on others in my world and projecting myself as a person who is not supportive onto/towards others only as it's more convenient to blame others rather than to take responsibility for myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give into the convenience of blame in my mind through back-chat instead of taking responsibility for me and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my communication with myself and others within my world through accepting and allowing myself to participate within back-chat of blame for something I did not take responsibility for and then trying to project my own responsibility onto/towards others in my world only and thus making everyone else the cause/source/origin of the problem, not seeing, realizing, nor understanding that the blame that I am blaming others in my world for is in-fact what I have not taken responsibility for in my world, within myself.

The next blog: Self-Correction for 'Nothing I Do Is Wrong'.

Day 57: Nothing I Do Is Wrong

This blog entry is continued writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction from Day 56: I Am More Than You - Self-Correction, Continued,  Day 55: I Am More - More Than You - Self-Correction for Day 54: I Am More - More Than You - Continued,  Day 53: I Am More - More Than You , Day 52: I Am Above This - Continued - Self-Correction,  Day 51: I Am Above This - Continued, Day 50: I Am Above This, Day 49: I Am Perfect, and Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person



"Nothing I do is wrong."

Lol.

So, as I have been working on changing myself and my living with self-forgiveness and self-correction, I was given and opportunity to test my application and it did not work as when someone in my immediate world said, again, "Yeah, we ALL know that you're more than this, that you're better than this and that all the decisions that you make are right ..." and I reacted - I got real angry because I had told this person that I was working on this point of seeing myself as more, better, and right and instead of allowing me the space to figure it out and trust that I was working on it, they PUSHED.  I got pissed off, spouted off several 'F-Bombs' and walked away with an expression of, "Get the fuck away from me."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a moment of insanity when I bring the comment, "Nothing you do is wrong ..." back to myself.  I laugh, I rub my face, my eyes, and I push on my fore-head.  Within my mind, I say, "What the fuck -- Nothing I do is RIGHT ... what the hell is wrong with these people ..."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience uncomfortableness when someone outside of myself tells me, with a tiny bit of sarcasm, "Nothing YOU do is WRONG," - when I hear this, anger rises up from within me and I clench my teeth to suppress myself from exploding while the back-chat builds and builds and builds: "Jesus fucking christ, I'm walking this fucking point - cut me some slack here.  I'm writing it out, I'm doing the work - ARE YOU" -- and instead of breathing, I allow the back-chat and eventually release my back-chat on my accuser within complete energy possession.

Breeeeeeeeath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the expectation of others in my immediate world to support me within my writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction by reading my blogs, being gentle with me as I work on points, and being careful to not 'trigger' points that I am working on self-correcting.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the expectation of others to support me to exist within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in my mind see that others in my immediate world will support me by taking an interest in my writing, respect my honesty and my decision to take on the points that are coming up, and be gentle with me as I 'figure it out'.  In the picture in my mind I see others giving me a supportive hug, a thumbs up, a caring smile, and a quietness about them as they give me the required space to work myself out.

It Seems So Easy in my Mind - By Andrew Gable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the expectation of others in my world always supporting me to take over in my mind and thus allow myself to become energy possessed - where if I do not get the support that I expect from others in my immediate world, then I immediately go into back-chat towards myself as, "I do nothing right ..." and others as, "-I- am doing the work -- and -you're- not," because I believe that the others in my immediate world that I support should support me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that by allowing myself to expect for others in my immediate world to support me that I am accepting and allowing myself to self-sabotage my self-relationship and others relationships with themselves and expanding themselves to begin writing, self-forgiving, and self-correcting - instead, I tell myself that MY chosen way is the RIGHT way and in telling myself this, I demonstrate via my words, communications and physical expressions that any other way is wrong. Thus, instead of allowing others to develop a self-relationship, I am expecting that others, first and foremost, revolve and change around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and my relationship with others in my immediate world through not giving others my support when and as I see that they are not doing what I see as right by writing, self-forgiving, self-correcting, and reading Journey To Life blogs and in this, I have isolated myself from the people in my world because I see them as doing 'it all wrong' and thus expect that all must do it my way, the right way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "I do nothing 'right' -- but atleast -I- am doing the work and -you're- not," to exist within and as me when others in my immediate world do not support me by being gentle, being respectful, allowing me the space to 'figure it out', and being aware that my triggers/'buttons' may be sensitive.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask the others in my world to support me by being gentle, being respectful, and allowing me space to 'figure it out' before testing out my triggers/buttons but instead I reacted in back-chat of, "I do nothing 'right' -- but atleast -I- am doing the work and -you're- not."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately react in back-chat to others in my immediate world where in my mind I make assumptions instead of asking them for their support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to and react to my back-chat rather than establishing and developing real communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create mind-back-chat towards others within hearing, "We all know that you are more than this, that you are better than this, and that all the decisions you make are right ..." instead of physically communicating with them.

Self-Forgiveness continued in next blog.

Day 50: I Am Above This

ART By Jessie Arias

"You're higher than the rest of us."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to hearing, "You're higher than the rest of us," from another outside of myself.  I am reacting to this statement because I, in fact, have placed myself as 'higher' than others from a point of survival - survival of my physical self in in the world system of money and survival of myself as a mind to maintain my 'sanity' as I have told myself that if I were to be/become the 'lesser', that others would see me as a stupid and a failure within a world where 'opportunity is everywhere and that one only needs to be smart, focused, committed, driven, and willing to do the work to get higher'.  I have told myself and shown myself that if I do not apply myself within this world system of money that I will end up as insane 'bum' on the street.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as higher within myself as my mind from a point of fear - where if I do not place myself above others, that I could potentially become others - ANY others, including an 'insane bum on the street' which is real fuckin' scarey to me.  I have not been honest with myself that I fear others lives becoming my own life because I do not see myself as being able to 'manage'/control the lives of others as myself.  And thus, instead of taking responsibility for my fear that other could 'infect' me with their lives, their drama, their problems, and/or their idiocy, it was easier for me to separate myself from others and place myself as 'higher'/'above'/better/MORE than others and distract myself with my 'higher purpose' rather than allowing myself to be/as/with/equal-to and one with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to roll my eyes/flutter my eyes in annoyance/exasperation, shake my head, and physically 'shut myself off' from others via blank-staring expressions, turning my lips downward in disappointment, and/or walking away in 'disbelief' of others.  I have not seen how this physical behavior is CLEARLY demonstrating/speaking my true nature which is essentially a person who sees themselves as 'above all of this' and 'not connected to it in anyway'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "Really ... I seriously cannot believe how stupid people are ..." and "if it were ME, I would have done <this> ... (insert Perfect Solution Personality)," to exist within and as me.  I have not allowed myself to slow myself to see that is me communicating to me how I would see myself in a similar situation - I would tell myself that I am stupid, that I failed, I am 'less than' others and that I can do 'better than that' and within not seeing this, I was also not allowing myself to see that this is myself not only judging myself but putting myself in direct competition/conflict with myself.

I commit myself to placing myself within and as others - and from within and as others, I commit myself to working with what I'm seeing/hearing within/from/as what is best for us all.

I commit myself to giving to others what I want for myself which is compassion, hearing, understanding, togetherness, and standing - standing for others when and as they are unable to stand for themselves and/or compromising themselves and within this, to give as I have been given.

I commit myself to stopping the separation that I've created as a barrier between others and myself for/because of/from fear - When and as I see myself separating myself from others, I stop and I breath through the fear as I see, realize, and understand that this is my mind's way of keeping me from realizing who I am as equality and oneness.  I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction and agreements with myself that I can commit to for change.

I commit myself to ending my competition-conflict relationship with myself by breathing, assisting and supporting myself with self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitments as I see, realize, and understand that it is a pattern of mine that I must break-free from in order to focus on what's really here - additionally, if I am to end the abuse of myself and others within the external world system of money, I must end the abuse of myself and others within my internal system of energy creation.

Day 49: I Am Perfect

This blog is a continuation of Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

ART by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

"You're perfect."

I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to react to hearing, "You're perfect ..." from another outside of myself by shaking my head, pushing my eyebrows together with concern and saying, "No! No, that's not cool.  That's not true at all.  I am NOT perfect." and then within myself as back-chat, I tell myself that I've messed up and look for a quick way out within the information and knowledge that I've accumulated to come up with an answer that's going to 'fix it'.  I have not allowed myself to see this is me judging myself and then defending myself with information and knowledge. Additionally, from and as a point of defense, I will become the Calm-Wise-Stable-Guru Character that smiles and speaks slowly and softly to gently guide whom I am communicating with toward the point by speaking accumulated information and knowledge because I have not stood equal and one with the point.

I commit myself to breathing and hearing when I am in communication with another about a point that I have not investigated within/as myself as I see, realize, and understand that it is not required for me to defend myself but rather that I require of myself to understand myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat of 'I messed up' to exist within and as me.  When I say, "I messed up," I am actually saying, "I failed," and thus not taking responsibility for my mistake because when I say 'I messed up'/'I failed', I stop investigating myself and do not work out a solution for myself for when and as the same point comes up for myself in the future.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and be honest with myself that when, instead, I say, "I made a mistake ..." that I will immediately go into a problem-solving process to assist myself from making the same mistake in the future.

I commit myself to removing my relationship that I've created within and as myself as 'A Mess-Up' where I no longer accept nor allow myself to use the excuse 'I Messed Up' and instead see, realize, and understand that I have simply made 'A Mistake' and mistakes can be corrected with practical, common-sense solutions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to go back into my memory and see where my reaction and conflict with hearing, "You're perfect," originated from.  Because between 6 and 12 years old, I would have wanted to hear that I am perfect as hearing it from outside of myself would have given me sooooooo much comfort as I learned, prior to these ages, how imperfect I was from my world and this shocked me as I saw myself as perfect.  I was AWESOME. However, when the world told me, over-and-over again how imperfect I was, I changed myself to prove that this wasn't true about me and thus, I looked outside of myself for confirmation that I made the correct changes and that I could/would now be seen as perfect.  What I did not/have not allow myself to see is that after the age of 12, I accepted and allowed the nasty spoken back-chat from others that said, "Oh. Look at her.  She thinks she's SOOOOOOO perfect ..." and within accepting and allowing that, adopted it within/as myself as a jealousy relationship and thus attached a negative meaning to the word, 'Perfect'.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positivity as: I AM AWESOME, a negativity as SPITE and JEALOUSY, and a neutrality as WAITING FOR CONFIRMATION to the word, 'PERFECT'.

I commit myself to simply being who I am and within that, keeping what's best for myself as/for all as Life and removing what's NOT best for myself as/for all as Life so that I can be someone that -I- accept and enjoy being with.

Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

 

Withing my world, I'm hearing:
"You're perfect."
"You're higher than the rest of us."
"You're the bigger person."
"You are more.  More than us."
"Nothing you do is wrong."

I say, "No, no, no.  This is not how I want you to see me.  This is not my objective.  That is not cool at all." And within me I say, "This sucks - crap.  Where am I messing up here - I do not want this person to feel as though I am better than them because I've been there all of my life within that trap of seeing others as better than myself - please don't see me like that ..."

I'm taking it personal.  I'm even hearing spite resonating with the words as their spoken from others - spite mixed with honesty.  And it's that honesty that my Ego picks up on and I breath, smile, and within that honesty I experience a positive success and then use that energy within my communication that follows to cover-up and/or ignore the negativity.

We all want to be seen as a positive personality that is 'doing the best thing' and I don't like it when the truth of myself and my application is reflected back at me as honest spite.  To test this, I looked at myself and saw myself as separate from the others in my life - I've been in conflict everywhere in my life and the picture of myself that I see within my mind is outside of the group.  As the negative, I see myself firmly standing with my arms crossing my body and my foot tapping impatiently.  As the positive, I see myself with my arms open and myself saying, "Come here.  Communicate with me.  Let's work this out." And as the neutral, I see myself distracting myself with work or what's within my physical environment while I wait for them to 'come around'.  When I put my Ego into the picture equation, I am suddenly MUCH bigger than everyone else - am a giant, I am God-Like, I am a guru waiting for the flock to come into my arms where I embrace them all motherly and lovingly 'show them the way' ... and we all live happily ever after.

In my real, physical world I am seeing frustration, disappointment, sadness, loneliness, and anger.  I see heads shaking.  I hear of others being scared of me and see those others lingering around corners watching me like I watched others when I was experiencing myself as small and powerless - wanting to understand and 'help' but afraid to get caught in the cross-fire.

Continuing writing in the next post.