Day 150: Fine-Tune Instead of Tuning-Out

Part Four of Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements for Self-Forgiveness on Day 145: Hearing What I Want to Hear.  Part Three is here, Part Two is here and Part One is here.



When and as I see that I have stopped hearing when and as I am in a situation, event, or change that I experience as uncomfortable, not understanding, nor having confidence in my ability to take responsibility for, I stop and I breath myself back to hear.  I see, realize, and understand that when I stop hearing, I have gone into my thoughts, reactions, fears, Ego and imagination rather than taking the opportunity to take a self-inventory of myself during this moment where a self-dishonesty emerged.  Instead of escaping into my mind where I cannot hear, I allow myself to breath and investigate myself.  In relation to this point of practically supporting myself to live my commitments and responsibilities self-honestly, I direct myself to write out what it is that is that I would like to do, the possible ways that it can be done, and the pros and cons as this will assist and support me in making a decision that is practical, considerate of the consequences, and best for all.

I commit myself to improve my hearing by assisting and supporting myself to work out problems in a practical, common sense way rather than immediately reacting with fear, escaping into my thoughts and imaginations, and making decisions for and as my Ego.  In relation to situations, events, or changes, I commit myself to utilize the writing process for integrating commitments and responsibilities that are important to me and/or assist and support myself with being self-honest and cool with myself. 

When and as I see that I am allowing myself to change, interact, have an experience, or learn from the world because of my immediate reactions of fear, I stop, breath, and slow down my processing.  I see, realize, and understand that these specific social fears that I have are created by memories of not being liked, being left out, or not being a part of the group.  As with my other childhood memories, this is the past that I am accepting and allowing myself to live in and not here.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that having these fears aren't necessary for me to participate with a group and that in-fact, group participation is MUCH more easier and enjoyable when and as I let my fears and memories go.  I continue to remind myself that my memories are not Who I Am and I assist and support myself to self-forgive myself for accepting and allowing these memories to change anything about Who I Am, how I relate to others, my stability, my common sense, and my perspectives.

I commit myself to stop allowing fear-based memories to define and/or change Who I Am, how I interact, what I experience, and what I learn from others, the environment that I am in, and the world by reminding myself that my memories are the past and it is not necessary that I live in the past nor use them to define my future - Who I Am is here, in this moment of breath.  As an additional level of self assistance and support, I utilize the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction for the points of fear-based memories that I am not effectively directing so that I can research the parts of myself that require removal, re-alignment, re-definition, and/or re-direction.

Day 140: I Need Adderall: Requirement, Addiction, or Justification?

With the assistance, support, education, and the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction I was able to let go my dependence on Adderall and the fear that I could not survive or 'be okay' without it.  In this post, I'm showing how this was done.




Writing

I have defined myself as An Addict – I say, “I Am An Addict”, and in my world this is perfectly acceptable to be An Addict and all that is required for one to gain acceptance is to admit it – and once one as admitted it, it becomes one’s justification for participating in activities that are considered ‘bad’ for oneself. It has been easy for me to be An Addict.

I have defined myself as addicted to several things.  I have often told myself and others that ‘if there’s something to be addicted to, I will be addicted to it’.

I am currently working on my addiction to Adderall and my obsession with this drug consumes me - so I will be focusing specifically on this point.

Every day that I wake up without Adderall, I begin with the thought and expression of myself as, “different day, same crap” – without this drug I experience myself as unsatisfied, unfulfilled, unmotivated, unhappy, and complacent. My general attitude is sarcastically as ‘yay – another day, woopty-doo, I wonder how much weight I’ve gained –today-!’. I do not want to leave my home and I am bored with the tasks that I participate in while being in my home.

I make a decision at several points during my day to not call up and have my prescription for this drug filled at the pharmacy and I do this because of the commitments that I have made to myself as well as to show my self that I can stop this addiction with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am addicted to Adderall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and justification that I am addicted to Adderall to not stop taking the drug and when/as I am not taking/consuming the drug, I use this excuse and justification of myself being addicted to think about the drug and think of reasons to start taking the drug again so that I do not end my relationship with/to the drug. I tell myself: I am addicted to Adderall, I need it to be ‘okay’, I can’t stop this addiction, and I need this drug to gain control over my life/my body because my life/my body is out of my control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I Am An Addict and thus, within and as myself telling myself this I act out the part of an addict where I express myself as needing a drug, like Adderall, to make it through my day, my daily tasks, my job, and my over-consumption of food. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached the Word Addict to the Word Adderall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself and others, “I am addicted to Adderall – I am an addict,” where I tell myself within and as myself that I speak and play-out the part of ‘Admission of Guilt’ that I will not have to take responsibility for my decision to take Adderall, I will not have to change, and I can go back to taking it whenever I like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to Adderall because I told myself that it ‘could happen’ and gave myself permission to form an addiction to the drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replace Adderall with Sugar which I am well-aware is of almost equal harm to my physical body as Adderall. Within my walking this process of removing Adderall from life forever, I see that I punish myself with the sugar – I am aware that I feel physically like crap after I eat sugar and that I experience pain and discomfort in my digestive system – and yet, I continue. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand why I punish myself with sugar consumption.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt for abusing my body with Adderall – where a specific, observable indication of my abuse is my teeth that darkened, changed shape, began to break/rot, and became painful. Unfortunately, I never allowed myself to be shamed by the harm I caused my physical body because of the extent of separation I have created with my physical body where I see it as a separate entity for/from me. And thus, because I never allowed myself to be a shamed for what I have done, I have not changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself because I what I did to my teeth and ignored the problem – angry that I lost a tooth (a body part) and angry because of the amount of money I have had to spend to get my mouth healthy again because of the crippling pain. Within this, I am angry at myself that I had to live through an extensive amount of pain that pretty much had me unable to function before I directed myself to do anything about the problems in my mouth.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that ‘being angry’ at myself changed nothing in my application because I would still take Adderall if I saw a loophole and I would again not take care of my physical body within the justification and excuse that: It’s too expensive, I don’t have time, or I just can’t for whatever reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consequences of my Adderall abuse – even after I did research on Meth-Salts which are an ingredient in the drug and found that it can be linked to Parkinsons Disease. Because I don’t want to give the drug up and desire the physical/mental/emotional positive effects of the drug, I hurt myself, my physical existence, and the future quality of my physical existence – the future consequences of my actions/decisions are easy to ignore because I tell myself that, “I will be fine,” and that “I’m healthy. I never get sick. I am strong.” And that, “I age slower than others so I have more time to play with.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with ‘having to give up’ my Adderall addiction – where, because I did not want to let this point go, I continue to bring it up over-and-over again in my writing. I blame almost all of my problems on myself stopping taking Adderall – my weight gain, my lack of ‘energy’, my ‘not caring’, my lack of motivation to get up in the morning, my not wanting to participate with others in my world, my not wanting to exercise, my not wanting to leave the house, my not getting big projects done around the house, and my depressed ‘mood’. Because I am blaming my problems on something outside of myself, I am not standing – and as long as I allow it to continue, I will never establish self-acceptance and self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that, “I had to give up Adderall,” as if someone outside of myself was making me do it. When, in fact, it was a direct decision that I made to stop taking it because of the damage it can cause to my physical body, my self-development, and my standing as an example of a responsible, trustworthy human being. I have not seen, realized, nor understood that because I am separating myself from my decision to change, I am not allowing my decision to ‘stick’ because if I allowed myself to stick to my decision, I would change. And I don’t want this – what I want is an easy, ‘for now’ way out instead of the having to face myself.

Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that, “I had to give up Adderall,” for someone/something outside of myself as a means to not take responsibility for myself if I fail because if I decided to start taking Adderall again, I can say to myself, “I did not do this for ME. I did this for THEM. And until I do this for me, there’s no point in bothering to give up this point.” I have not seen nor realized that I have programmed myself to give up on my decisions and my commitments to live a specific way that is best for me because I have accepted this – I have heard it MANY times where we tell one another over-and-over-again, “If you’re doing this for someone else and not yourself, it will never work – you’ll just go right back to it.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself and others, “If you’re doing this for someone else and not yourself, it will never work – you’ll just go right back to it.” I do not see, realize, nor understand when I do this that I am giving myself and others a backdoor out of our commitments and life decisions – For myself, I am making it ‘okay’ for me to fail so that I do not have to experiencing myself negatively within guilt, shame, anger, or the imagined verbal abuse of my inner personalities. I have never allowed myself to embrace my guilt, shame, anger, self-abuse, and the personalities that exists within my mind because I have told myself that it is ‘too painful’ and pain is BAD – and anything BAD must be resisted, ignored, run-away-from.

Yesterday, I found an empty bottle of my Adderall prescription on my jewelry box – it was odd because it looked like it had been ‘placed’ there. I saw the bottle and immediately got excited, “I wonder if there is anything left in there? Did my partner find this and leave it out for me? Am I being tested to see how I will react to seeing the bottle? Does my partner want me to start taking this again – is he in hopes that if I see this bottle that it will trigger me to call up the pharmacy and re-fill it?” I held the bottle ‘lovingly’ in my hands, opened it up, I looked in and then ran my finger around the inside to see if there was a ½ of a pill or maybe some ‘crumbs’ – nothing. I smelled the bottle, and again nothing. I sighed, put the cap back on, and dropped my shoulders – I was a mixture of sad and missing it - I missed the relationship I had with the drug which I connected to a life without the pain, anger, and disappointment of being overweight.

I see that I have associated Adderall with giving me the ONE thing that I have always wanted for myself since I was very young and that is to have a normal-sized body – I was able to achieve this in a matter of months and I was free from a life-long experience of outside judgment, bullying, and non-acceptance. This is something that I have not been able to give myself – I have been on special ‘diets’ ever since I can remember – none of them worked. As I gain weight back, I experience constant fear, physical discomfort as my physical freedom to move diminishes and obviously, I make myself emotional within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to Adderall to give me something that I have not given myself. I have not been patient and have always wanted immediate results – and within this, I have not allowed myself the time to stabilize myself and my body and instead say to myself, “I will deal with this later, tomorrow, when I get a day-off, or when I get some time.” Which, I never do. So the problem accumulates because I do not give myself the opportunity to change/make changes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotion of ‘Sad’ to lack-of/missing Adderall. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself as longing/wanting/needed/craving Adderall where I allow my relationship with the drug to have power over me and change me mentally, emotionally, and physically in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience lacking and a deep void within myself in which I further experience myself as hopeless because of my desire for Adderall. I want to escape the pressure, the stress, and the physical discomfort that I feel in my body and see in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I take Adderall that the experience I have in/as my physical body is more aligned with my physical mind-body – when I am on Adderall I move my physical body extremely fast, I have constant physical reactions through-out my days, I am on High, I perceive myself as having an unlimited amount of energy, I communicate well with other’s as mind-consciousness systems, and I tell myself how good I feel and that this makes me happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a drug to force my physical body to align with my physical-mind-body – Instead of considering and/or allowing myself to work on aligning my physical-mind-body with my physical body where I am moving myself to make change rather than relying on an outside source. Additionally within this, because I never worked at aligning my physical-mind-body to my physical body, I have not tested to see if I could make a change with myself that is lasting – unlike drugs where I need to take them every day or twice a day to maintain my alignment.

Realizations

I see, realize and understand that I am not really addicted to Adderall. I am using the Word Addicted to justify myself wanting, needing, and desiring the drug so that I can have an excuse for myself to start taking the drug again because when/as/if I start taking the drug again, I tell myself that all I have to do to accept myself within my decision is to tell myself and others, “I am not in-control of this. This is stronger than me. It has power to give me something that I am not able to give myself. I need this to be okay.”

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using the Word Addicted to explain an experience of myself within want/need/desire where my want/need/desire is so strong that I tell myself that I may not survive/be stable without it.

I see, realize, and understand that I have connected Adderall to myself experiencing myself positively and because I do not like to experience myself negatively, it is easier to call up, get a prescription, go the pharmacy, fill it, and in the matter of moments, escape that which I see is negative about myself and my living. Via my Journey To Life blog, I have found that this is part of my pattern that locks me into not changing or considering a ‘way out’ so it’s best to stop it.

I see, realize, and understand that Adderall damages my physical body – and even though I am not aware of all the consequences of this abuse at the moment, I have investigated and found that use of amphetamines can cause/lead-to Schizophrenia and Parkinsons Disease. Additionally, I have been told that the drug ‘ages’ the body – and this is something that is definitely not best for myself as I have lots of work to do here before I leave this physical existence.

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using Adderall to give to me what I have not allowed me to give to myself – specifically in regards to the body-size/shape that I am most comfortable. Suggest here for me to continue to investigating this point for myself as I am seeing that the problem may not only be with my food choices and/or the quantity of food that I eat – it is also linked to the amount of stress that I have allowed to accumulate within/as me.

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using Adderall to force my physical body to align with my mind and my systems that I live in – and thus, I see a cool opportunity here to work on aligning my mind and my systems to my physical body.

Self-Correction

 

When and as I see that I am telling myself that I am addicted to Adderall, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is me justifying my wanting, needing, and desiring to start taking the drug again and not taking responsibility for the point. Instead of allowing myself to separate myself from my wanting, needing, and desiring to take Adderall, I direct myself to take the opportunity to explore points that I may have missed by breathing, slowing myself down, and investigating the process that led me to wanting/needing/desiring the drug as I see, realize, and understand that I have had a negative experience of myself that I am trying to escape from.

I commit myself to stopping myself from trying to escape from a negative experience of myself with the assistance of Adderall by allowing myself to actually experience the negative of myself so that I can work on understanding my negative experiences – within this, I will stabilize myself with breathing and assist and support myself with writing and self-forgiveness.

When and as I see that I am telling myself that I need Adderall because I have become or may become unstable, I STOP. I BREATH. I see, realize, and understand that I am able to stabilize myself by breathing and that this is better than any drug because it is here with me, it actually keeps me alive, and the effects are lasting and supportive.

I commit myself to question my wants, needs, and desires as I see, realize, and understand that I created these attachments and ‘lack of things’ in my mind. Within this point, I will continue to investigate myself and find out what I am not giving myself/allowing myself to have/punishing myself and why.

When and as I see that I am wanting, desiring, needing, considering, and/or thinking about calling in a prescription for Adderall because I am experiencing myself negatively – I STOP. I see, realize, and understand that I am facing my pattern that I have committed myself to stopping. I do not call, I do not seek out the drug, and I do not accept the drug if it’s offered to me. Instead, I breath until I am stable and then assist and support myself with writing out my negative experience and self-forgiving myself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from automatically telling myself that the only solution to my instability is Adderall – I see, realize, and understand that the solution to my instability is to stabilize myself with breathing – this is not something outside of me, it is something with/in/as me that I will have with me until I die. Instead of looking outside of myself for ways to stabilize myself, I re-direct myself remain here with myself and BREATH – this is ‘faster-acting’, more effective, and last longer than any drug.

When and as I see/hear myself showing/telling myself that I am in great health, that I am untouchable by disease, and that I do not age so it’s ‘okay’ to take Adderall because the reported consequences do not apply to me – I stop. I see, realize, and understand that even though I am not aware of the consequences at this moment, that there may be damage at a level that I cannot see. Also, as I see my world, I see that consequences are happening sooner than later and that it’s best not to get caught up in these consequences IN ADDITION to the daily consequences/tests that I am faced with – to allow this to happen would essentially be me giving up on myself.

When and as I see myself experiencing discomfort with myself within/as my physical body and thus consider Adderall as a possible solution to make myself comfortable – I stop. I remind myself that I do not need a drug to make comfortable. I breath and allow myself to be here with my physical discomforts as I see, realize, and understand that what I am physically experiencing is nothing to be afraid of, I do not have to separate myself from it, and it’s not weird – in-fact, being here with/in/as my physical body is a cool way to see how well I am doing within my process of sorting out and managing my life.

I commit myself to stopping myself from automatically telling myself that there is an easy way out for me – that everything will get easier for me if I call in my prescription for Adderall and that it’s ‘okay’ – I will do this by reminding myself that I have chosen to walk my process here – and yes, it is not easy but a ‘way out’ is self-dishonest and delusional. And from here, I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction until I have established a point of self-trust.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to place myself in a position of where I could get ‘caught up’ in Adderall again – I do not look for it and I do not accept the drug if it’s offered to me. When and as I struggle with this and/or am in a position of where I could potentially compromise myself on this point, I say, “No,” and remove myself from the temptation. Within this, I continue to work on points that emerge with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction until I am no longer struggling and/or in conflict with myself about saying No to Adderall.

When and as I see that I am attempting to force my physical body to move at the speed/frequency/vibration of my mind and/or my physical world by either considering taking drugs or creating an energy high for myself, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is pointless – for one, doing this to my body hasn’t really improved much in my world/my mind and two, going faster creates much more work for me later as it takes a lot more time to stabilize my body/my life than it would if I were to breath and move forward steadily.

I commit myself to aligning myself as my mind to my physical body and stopping myself from forcing my physical body to align with myself as my mind by allowing myself to be here in/as/with my physical body, breathing, and ‘getting toknow’ myself with/in/as my physical body as I see, realize, and understand that it is here in my physical body that I can check myself, test my progress, and/or communicate with myself about points that I must be self-honest with myself about.

Day 131: The Helpless Victim - Thought Dimension

In this blog I am writing Self-Forgiveness for the Thought Dimension of The Helpless Victim Character that emerged from realizations while walking a traumatic event.  The initial writing out of the dimensions of this character can be read here: Day 129: The Helpless Victim, Day 130: The Helpless Victim - Fear Dimension

The process from which The Helpless Victim Character emerged can be referenced within these posts:

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction
Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment

 


Writing from Day 129:
Thought Dimension
The thought that triggers this character is, "I might lose everything that I care about - I would be lost and no one will help me."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the Thought, "I might lose everything that I care about - I would be lost and no one will help me," to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this Thought as a way to scare myself into not changing, not doing what is best, and to not work on ways of improving my situation or allowing myself to step outside of my comfort-zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect, "I might lose everything that I care about - I would be lost and no one will help me," to fear.  What I have not seen or heard within this communication to myself that I live in fear that I will lose everything that I care about within and as myself, that I fear losing myself, and I fear that I will not assist and support myself within this process of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the THOUGHT to pop up in my mind as an image of me being cold, alone, scared, and everyone in my world that I have placed upon a pillar of importance as hating me, writing me out of their lives, and moving on without me.  I see anger and disappointment on their faces and I see them going about their daily lives where they choose to ignore me/pretend I do not exist.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that in the moment that the thought comes up, I have to decide whether or not I will participate with the thought.  It is here that I decide whether or not I will allow my fear to direct me or if I will direct myself to release myself from the fear with self-forgiveness and then stand within and as my decision to stand by/for/as my decision to change, do what is best for myself and others, work on implementing solutions that improve my situation, and pushing myself to step outside of my comfort-zone. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become The Helpless Victim for so long that I accept and allow myself to participate in and follow the Thought that presents an opportunity for me as an opposite of myself/who I have decided to be and my responsibility to myself and others/my world to stand as an example as what it means to do what is best, to improve the situation, and to push oneself to step outside of the comfort-zone. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and so not allow myself to live in awareness and direct myself within and as what is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this Thought to take me into my mind and place me in direct conflict with myself where I get caught up in my Mind where I completely compromise myself.  If instead I had allowed myself to practically walk myself through the process of making a decision that is best and living it - I would have improved my relationship with myself and given myself an opportunity to contribute as an example of how one can live with and as the point of not accepting and allowing The Helpless Victim character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the Thought to become more important/urgent and/or of greater value than myself stopping, breathing, and directing myself to make a decision that is best and to live it. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how one Thought/Picture/Image can control/determine the entirety of who I am in any given moment which shows the extent of which I have become influenced by the pictures and images within and as my mind, instead of living who I am here as the directive.

Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment

Traumatic Event 2

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction
Here I am writing Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment



I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to push others by placing a guard on my thoughts and practicing counting my words.

I commit myself to push through my own resistances and challenge myself.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to take others reactions within an event or situation personally by reminding myself that whatever another is experiencing is not actually about me and to instead look at my own reactions which are an indicator of where I am not being honest with myself.

I commit myself to no longer express the Words 'Standing Up' as 'Fighting' and instead practice simply standing, breathing, being here, being honest with myself, when to be silent and when to speak. 

I commit myself to no longer make every event, situation, and experience about my own self exclusively and reminding myself that I am sharing this world with others who are equally experiencing events and situations.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to do what I want and/or what's important to me only by practicing giving as I would like to be given and equalizing those things with what I require for my self-development.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to be The Helpless Victim by assisting and supporting myself to write out this character, using the tool of self-forgiveness, and redefining my living with self-correction.

I commit myself to stop looking for shame and compassion in others and to instead change myself in response to my own shame and align myself with compassion.  When and as I see that I am looking to others to show me what I want, I remind myself that these are flag-points for me to align to become a person that is in-fact Good and can be Trusted.

I commit myself to remind myself that the only way I can fall is if I believe in a definition of myself and that when I say or think, "I Am ...", that whatever it is must be written out, self-forgiven, and self-corrected.  I see, realize, and understand that at this stage, the self-definitions I have created for myself are dishonest and are the cause/catalyst of a lot of my stress, trauma, and conflict.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to blame others for the consequences that have emerged for the decisions that I have made.  Instead I take responsibility for my decisions and consequences by changing what I able to change and walking with what I cannot change until I can change.  

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to be/become a Skilled Manipulator as this character/personality is dishonest and has no integrity. I commit myself to stop this personality/character with writing, self-forgiving, and self-correction.

I commit myself to stopping my guilt by seeing my guilt as a flag-point of where I am not being honest with myself - I assist and support myself with self-forgiveness when and as the guilt emerges.

I commit myself to stop running from myself by reminding myself that if I do not stop, face myself, and change that whatever I am running from will continue to happen over-and-over-and-over again and that eventually, there will be nowhere left to run because I'll be dead.  Within this, I commit myself to no longer allow myself to squander away my one life for fear of myself and what will become of me.

Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction

Traumatic Event 2

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Here I am writing Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction


When and as I see that I am experiencing movement within me and about to speak within and as my reaction, I stop, I breath and I stabilize myself.  It has been suggested that I 'count my words' and so, from here, I direct myself to practice and test this application before I speak to see if it assists with removing the conflict and stress from my daily living.  When and as I count my words, I look and see if what I would like to say is best and/or supportive at that moment - if so, I speak, if not, I remain silent.

When and as I see that I am aligning my expression of Standing to Fighting which is indicated by me becoming unstable, not breathing, a rush of adrenaline, and an increased heart-rate, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that fighting does not work - regardless of how I try to define it as 'not fighting but something else' - Instead of fighting, I remove myself, walk-away, and stabilize myself with breathing.  I self-forgive myself for the points that I am reacting to and I integrate into myself a plan for self-correction.

When and as I see that I am attempting to force another outside of myself to change according to my wants and/or preferences, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that any change that another makes HAS to be SELF-DIRECTED - otherwise, there will be no real change - only temporary change.  This does not fix or solve any issues, situations or problems that emerge but instead continues a pattern with the same starting points and ending points over and over and over again.  Instead of distracting myself with others processes, I direct myself to focus on my own life-long process of awareness and development.

When and as I see that I am comparing my life to anothers life where I assign each a value and where my own value becomes More/God-Like/Magical/Enlightened as an extreme form of separation from others and myself as actually questioning and diminishing my value, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that continuing to allow myself to take this bait leads me further and further away from realizing myself as a human physical being and if I am to assist and support myself to remove and prevent stress from myself, that I must not allow the conflict with myself and others to accumulate.  Instead of allowing the separation to remain within and as me unchecked, I self-forgive myself for the comparison/positive-negative value points that emerge.

When and as I see that I am about to go on a missive to prove my righteousness as indicated by my physical rigidness, pressure in my face, and bringing points back to myself over-and-over again that prove that I am right, I STOP.  I see in the past that when I get to this point that I will 'fight to death' where I place myself in a position of compromising myself and instigating harm to myself physically - when and as I am in this possessed state, I no longer care nor consider the one life that I have been given as all that matters is that I Am Right.  Additionally, I do not consider my responsibility to others or how my words and actions will effect them.  This must stop.  Again, instead of fighting, I breath, I remove myself, I walk away, I stabilize myself, I self-forgive myself for the point that emerged in which myself as my Ego attempted to defend, I get to the core/source/origin point, and I realign myself to self-correction.

When and as I see/hear myself telling myself, 'That's not who I Am anymore!' - I stop.  I see that I am giving myself a part of me that I am attempting to separate myself from because I do not want to face and change myself.  Instead of running away from the personality/character/experience that's emerging, I embrace it and investigate the origin point as I apply self-forgiveness.

When and as I see that I am going into my past to define/compare/value myself, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that believing any ideas I've had about myself in my past is a way for myself to distract myself from who/what I am here, now, and in the moment of breathing.  Additionally, I'm aware that many of the memories I have about myself in the past aren't or may not be accurate because of the extensive amount of time that I have spent on changing the scenarios to fit how I would 'like' them to have happened and/or in such a way as to satisfy my self-interests and personality/character creation.  Instead of looking for 'clues' that may define me, I direct myself to use my memories as a tool to understand myself here, as who I have become - and from this point, to work on solutions to become a person that is best.

When and as I see that I am blaming others for making me the way that I am, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I created myself based on the opportunities and choices that were presented to me.  Instead of blaming others for what I have become, I bring the blame back to myself and investigate where/why/how I accepted the things about myself that I see as Bad/Wrong.  And from here, I work on removing these things about myself that are not aligned to me being the person that I can live with. 

Day 123: How Could You Do This To Me? -- Self-Commitments

Traumatic Event 1 - Part 4

Day 120: How Could You Do This To Me?
Part 2 - Day 121: Self-Forgiveness 
Part 3 - Day 122: Self-Correction
In this blog, I am walking Day 123: Self-Commitments





I commit myself to stopping my participation play-outs with/as/in my memories where instead of allowing myself to participate, going-all with, and imagine ideal outcomes, I commit myself to re-direct my memories to writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I commit myself to stopping my projecting my past experiences, memories, events, and traumas onto others as pre-determined blame, opinion, and assumption.  I commit myself to re-mind myself that when I project I am self-communicating and, instead of separating myself from this communication, I bring this communication back to myself where I investigate myself within this communication, write it out, self-forgive, and self-correct.

I commit myself to stop punishing myself with my past experiences and memories by first reminding myself that the past is not here - it is done, it does not define me, and there's nothing I can do to change the past.  Additionally, I commit myself to remind myself that me going back to my past over-and-over-and-over again is another point of self-communication that I am trying to ignore rather than become equal-to and change myself that it does not happen again in the future.    I commit myself to stop hiding from myself, allow myself to write out my past experiences, my participation in my past experiences, my reactions to my past experiences, and to take responsibility for myself within and as my past experiences with self-forgiveness.  From here, I commit myself to write self-correction and self-commitment until my past experiences no longer direct/move me and it is done.

I commit myself to stopping myself from defining/re-defining personalities/characters with 'if-then' statements by reminding myself of my commitment to stopping myself from attempting/trying to change and/or rescript my past experiences, events, and memories.

I commit myself to stop attempting/trying to force others into pre-defined supporting characters within seeing, realizing, and understanding that this is pointless, causes conflict, and sets me up for disappointment.

I commit myself to stop looking for apologies, remorse, regret and 'I'm sorry', from others outside of myself by assisting and supporting myself to give this to myself with self-forgiveness where I take responsibility for my thoughts, mind-participation/acceptance/allowance, my reactions, and my decisions that have physically and mentally caused me harm.

I commit myself to investigate ways of caring for myself, creating a safer environment for myself, and strengthening my self-trust.  Within this, I commit myself to assisting, supporting, and standing for a solution that will provide this care, safety, and self-trust for everyone.

Day 119: How Do I Change Myself To Not Be Stressed In The Future?

ART By Scott Cook

 Traumatic Events and Stresses

In the is blog series, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

Additional Content:
Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress? 
Day 116: How Do I React To Stressful Events?
Day 117: How Has Stress Changed Me?
Day 118: How Do I Change The Way I Direct Stressful Events?

I commit myself to stopping my reacting to unanticipated events, experiences, and problems with panic, worry, anxiety, and/or conflicting positive/negative reactions by breathing and stabilizing myself in the moment - once I am clear, then I will direct the event, experience, and/or problem.

Instead of ignoring my reactions that emerged in that moment, I commit myself to later investigating my reactions to an event, experience, and/or problem and supporting myself with self-forgiveness and self-correction for how to change when and as I face my reactions to a potentially stressful event, experience, and/or problem in the future.

I commit myself to allowing myself to consider feedback and suggestions from others on how to handle/look-at/solve problems and unexpected events/experiences by first, stopping myself from going into my judgement of others, second stopping myself from thinking while others are speaking, and third, assisting myself to not be influenced by my thoughts and judgements of others by using the tools of writing and self-forgiveness.

I commit myself to stop devaluing others experiences by stopping myself from devaluing my own by investigating and researching myself, others, and the world.  Within this, I commit myself to stop dismissing others and actually allowing myself to hear.

I commit myself to relieving some of the stress in my living by allowing others to take on tasks, situations, events, problems, and experiences with me.  I do this within the realization that I am not alone when things get tough - and so, I remind myself that just because something looks 'tough' or 'impossible' to me, does not mean that the way that -I- see it is the way it -actually- is, it makes sense for me to discuss the task, situation, event, problem and/or experience with another that may have the solution.

I commit myself to working on stopping my personality conflicts/polarities with writing and self-forgiveness as these will assist and support me in understanding where my conflicts are coming from, when I created them, and why.

I commit myself to developing an awareness of myself within conflict, polarity, and stress by responding to the indicators from my physical body (clenching my teeth, licking my lips, sighing, etc.) with breathing, slowing myself down, and aligning myself to my physical body.

I commit myself to stopping myself from choosing a personality/character that suits me best in the moment by reminding myself that this places me in-conflict with myself and compromises my self-honesty, self-trust, and the development of my integrity/standing.  Additionally, I commit myself to removing the personalities/characters in which I am unable to stand by/for/as which are the personalities/characters I stored/memorized/scripted/created for my own personal gain, self-interest, and/or a means to keep myself locked in to patterns.

I commit myself to working on slowing myself down and to stop moving quickly from task to another by reminding myself that this behavior indicates that in my mind I am moving quickly from one point to another in my mind to which I am reacting to and ignoring/running from rather than sorting out.  An additional reminder to myself here is that if I do not allow myself time to relax, breath, and sort things out that I end up pushing myself mentally and physically to the point of burn-out.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to remove stress from my living by removing the conflicting Ego definitions of myself with the tools of writing and self-forgiveness within seeing, realizing, and understanding that none of these definitions are actually me.

Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3

Why do bullying, gossip, and other abuses exist?

This blog is a continuation of self-forgiveness for writings and realizations from Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.

In addition, I have included my assessment of the Problem, the Solution to be walked, and the Reward for myself as an outcome following through with my Solution.  



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses for the bad that I see in myself, others, and my world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn-away and ignore the bad that I see in myself, others, and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself within the statement of 'as above, so below' and 'as within, so without' when considering the relationship between myself and my world.  It is easier to see what's outside of me as separate from me and easier to take responsibility for what I see as outside of me and separate from me rather than seeing myself as a mirror-image.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that it is not only that I have been in agreement with what is here, it is also that everything that is abusive, deviant, spiteful, and directly against our agreed system of Morality exists within me and my mind.  Instead of facing the 'really bad secret stuff' and taking responsibility for it, I try to ignore it, forget it, or make it go away.

Problem: I am trying to suppress, ignore, and forget the experiences of my past which is not possible.  As much as I try, the pain from the reactions to my thoughts and memories persists.  I wish that I lived in a world where we could express our secrets openly to each other and I am greatly disappointed by the fact that we do not allow this - I found out the hard way at a very early age, when after expressing what was going on within my thoughts that was seen as 'bad', that others in my world would use physical force, bullying, threats, and gossip to be certain that I would stop.  And it continues, to this day.  So, to me, part of the problem here is that I must walk my secrets in-private, which anything walked in-private, to me, is a missed opportunity to assist and support another facing the same.

Solution: Bring my point of responsibility back to myself within my disappointment and 'wishes' with self-forgiveness. Assist and support myself with writing out each and every secret that I can remember, no matter how 'wrong' or 'bad' I have defined it to be, for myself in-private, and then use the tools of self-forgiveness and self-correction to release myself and prevent myself from these memories and experiences to have 'power' over me again.

Reward: No more suppression of myself with judgement, guilt, worry, shame, anxiety, fear, and remorse when and as I recall my past and within this, give myself the opportunity to live without the pain of these reactions.

Next: Self-Forgiveness for my disappointment in others not meeting the expectations of my 'wishes' or my picture of The Perfect World With Perfect People.