Here I begin writing out The Helpless Victim Character that emerged from the following writings:
Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction
Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment
As The Helpless Victim, I see that the world is a dangerous place and that everyone within this world has the potential to harm me physically, emotionally, and/or mentally. No one can be trusted - and if, for one moment, if I were to let my guard down with another, they would take advantage and victimize me in some way. When I am The Helpless Victim, I see that there is no way for me to change this - there is no help for me, there is no protection for me, and no one is going to stand up for me to make sure that I am always okay or to get me away from the person who is hurting, harming, victimizing, and/or abusive to me. In my mind, I have created the belief that people will stand up for others who are being harmed and stand against those that are harming - like, everyone should take care of each other - and yet we don't. This is frightening to me.
Also, as this character, if I am in a situation that I see myself as being trapped in where another is stronger than myself, I will project myself as needing the others help to 'be better' because I cannot help myself. This is where an extreme form of dishonesty emerges as I will use Helplessness to manipulate others as a defense mechanism and within this sell myself out. Because this is not who/what I want to be, this causes an extreme amount of conflict, confusion, and stress as the anger that I accumulate within myself that eventually blows - it's just like a bomb going off and my situation becomes unbearable which compromises me even further.
Ultimately, I fear being alone in this world. I do not think that I can do this on my own and I do not think that I have the power to stand up for myself. I fear standing up and saying, "From here, no more." What will become of me if I do this? What if I stand up and say, "No more" and that person writes me out of their life? Worse, what if they hurt me, degrade me, defame me, and succeed in taking away what's important to me or the people/things that I have defined myself within and as? What if I end up losing everything?
The thought that triggers this character is, "I might lose everything that I care about - I would be lost and no one will help me."
In my imagination I see that I lose everything and everyone in my life, that I will be homeless, that I will be broken, that I will be susceptible to much worse abuses, that I will live the rest of my life in regret and shame, that I will become a junkie, a bag-lady, live on the streets, push around a cart, go crazy, lose my teeth, be ignored, be repelling, and eventually die alone under a bridge somewhere.
Internal conversations: "It's a dog-eat-dog world." "I would rather die than end up as a bag-lady."
(And more - recorded in Backchat diary)
In response to my thoughts, imaginations, and backchats, I react emotionally with disappointment, worry, anxiety, sadness, feeling 'small', and anger.
My behavior becomes jerky and edgy. I begin moving around a lot and darting from one task to another. When I am sitting or at rest, I curl into myself where I pull my knees close to my body and wrap my arms around myself. When I'm full-blown into this character/personality/mind-possession, my eyes are WIDE open and I am on high-alert. I speak my incoherent thoughts out-loud as means to try to make sense and/or to get others 'on my side' to stand-up for/take care of/protect me and/or justify my behavior, fears, and reactions. My voice tightens and is either a 'small' voice or energetically forced.