Traumatic Event 2
Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Here I am writing Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction
When and as I see that I am experiencing movement within me and about to speak within and as my reaction, I stop, I breath and I stabilize myself. It has been suggested that I 'count my words' and so, from here, I direct myself to practice and test this application before I speak to see if it assists with removing the conflict and stress from my daily living. When and as I count my words, I look and see if what I would like to say is best and/or supportive at that moment - if so, I speak, if not, I remain silent.
When and as I see that I am aligning my expression of Standing to Fighting which is indicated by me becoming unstable, not breathing, a rush of adrenaline, and an increased heart-rate, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that fighting does not work - regardless of how I try to define it as 'not fighting but something else' - Instead of fighting, I remove myself, walk-away, and stabilize myself with breathing. I self-forgive myself for the points that I am reacting to and I integrate into myself a plan for self-correction.
When and as I see that I am attempting to force another outside of myself to change according to my wants and/or preferences, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that any change that another makes HAS to be SELF-DIRECTED - otherwise, there will be no real change - only temporary change. This does not fix or solve any issues, situations or problems that emerge but instead continues a pattern with the same starting points and ending points over and over and over again. Instead of distracting myself with others processes, I direct myself to focus on my own life-long process of awareness and development.
When and as I see that I am comparing my life to anothers life where I assign each a value and where my own value becomes More/God-Like/Magical/Enlightened as an extreme form of separation from others and myself as actually questioning and diminishing my value, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that continuing to allow myself to take this bait leads me further and further away from realizing myself as a human physical being and if I am to assist and support myself to remove and prevent stress from myself, that I must not allow the conflict with myself and others to accumulate. Instead of allowing the separation to remain within and as me unchecked, I self-forgive myself for the comparison/positive-negative value points that emerge.
When and as I see that I am about to go on a missive to prove my righteousness as indicated by my physical rigidness, pressure in my face, and bringing points back to myself over-and-over again that prove that I am right, I STOP. I see in the past that when I get to this point that I will 'fight to death' where I place myself in a position of compromising myself and instigating harm to myself physically - when and as I am in this possessed state, I no longer care nor consider the one life that I have been given as all that matters is that I Am Right. Additionally, I do not consider my responsibility to others or how my words and actions will effect them. This must stop. Again, instead of fighting, I breath, I remove myself, I walk away, I stabilize myself, I self-forgive myself for the point that emerged in which myself as my Ego attempted to defend, I get to the core/source/origin point, and I realign myself to self-correction.
When and as I see/hear myself telling myself, 'That's not who I Am anymore!' - I stop. I see that I am giving myself a part of me that I am attempting to separate myself from because I do not want to face and change myself. Instead of running away from the personality/character/experience that's emerging, I embrace it and investigate the origin point as I apply self-forgiveness.
When and as I see that I am going into my past to define/compare/value myself, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that believing any ideas I've had about myself in my past is a way for myself to distract myself from who/what I am here, now, and in the moment of breathing. Additionally, I'm aware that many of the memories I have about myself in the past aren't or may not be accurate because of the extensive amount of time that I have spent on changing the scenarios to fit how I would 'like' them to have happened and/or in such a way as to satisfy my self-interests and personality/character creation. Instead of looking for 'clues' that may define me, I direct myself to use my memories as a tool to understand myself here, as who I have become - and from this point, to work on solutions to become a person that is best.
When and as I see that I am blaming others for making me the way that I am, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that I created myself based on the opportunities and choices that were presented to me. Instead of blaming others for what I have become, I bring the blame back to myself and investigate where/why/how I accepted the things about myself that I see as Bad/Wrong. And from here, I work on removing these things about myself that are not aligned to me being the person that I can live with.