Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations

Traumatic Event 2

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Here I am writing, Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations

I see atleast 4 separate personalities/characters with the Traumatic Experiences that I have walked in these writings thus far: The Helpless Victim, The Fighter, The Surrenderer, and The Victor.  Suggest for myself to write-out, self-forgive, and self-correct myself and my participation within and as these personalities.

There are times to speak and times to be silent.  I see that I have connected a positive meaning to the Word/expression Speak and a negative meaning to the Word/expression Silent - I immediately see where I allowed myself to define 'Speak' as a Good/Strength/Honesty and 'Silent' as Bad/Cowardice/Hiding-Something.  Suggest for myself to write out these Words, use the tools of self-forgiveness to become equal-to/understand these Words, and then to re-define these Words so that they can be lived without polarity.

I have connected/defined the expression of Stand Up to Fight and this clearly has not worked.  Suggest for myself to practically re-define/refine what it means for myself to Stand Up.

I have been continually attempting to force others to change for me according to my wants - even though I have been attempting this over-and-over-and-over again and not seeing any lasting change, I keep doing it.  Somewhere I decided to believe that I chose this life and that I hand-picked everyone and everything in my life/my world for the benefit/enrichment of myself.  Additionally, I have demanded that I be the center of attention and that all others are simply supporting characters where this is My Story and that others stories/lives have little to no significance and/or value in comparison to mine.  So, attempting to force/coerce/manipulate others to change is another way that I keep myself separate.

That to prove I am Right, I will compromise myself and place myself in harmful situations/events which shows that I value you my thoughts, my beliefs, my reactions, my excuses, my imagination, my wants/desires, and my fears above myself as real, living, and breathing physical substance.

That in order to feel better about myself as The Helpless Victim, that I must win to show myself and others that I have transcended these personality/character/experience/traumatic-events, that it is no longer me, that it is behind me, I am better than that, I am stronger than that, and in the end - I am The Victor.

I have been looking for the point in my lifetime where I fell because for some reason, I see myself as stronger during my early years.  Self-honestly, I see that this is not true - I did not experience myself as strong at all.  Additionally, I never have understood the best way for me to stand - so, how could I have ever stood?  And if I've never stood, how could I fall?

That others are not to blame for making me who/what I am - and that the decision to be dishonest was made by me.  It is the same as what I see in the world where we are given opportunities and within those opportunities we have a choice to make. No one but myself is to blame for my decisions made from/as my self-interests.

I have locked myself into a polarity trap within and as my Traumatic Events where if I can remember 'the positive things' and feel uplifted then the 'negative things' are simply the 'price I pay'.  While in this polarity trap, I have not allowed myself the time to consider/investigate how I experience myself - instead, I just run away to the next point within the trap.

When and as I stop fearing what I do not want to experience myself as/within and stop running from one polarity point to another,  I will assist myself in no longer accumulating stress as I will be walking, aligning myself to the points, and living self-honestly.