Day 165: Trust - A Romantic-Mind-Fantasy - Part 2

Here continuing with Self-Correction and Self-Commitment from writing and Self-Forgiveness on Day 164: Trust - A Romantic-Mind-Fantasy - Part 1.

SELF-CORRECTION AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

When and as I see that I am and/or attempting to place my trust in others as per my romantic ideas, thoughts, imaginations in relation to Trust, I stop and breathe.  I realize that I am forcing and/or attempting to force myself as my mind onto others as a way to try to manipulate, control, and influence others to act in a way that benefits me as a mind and gives my mind ‘life’ and makes my imaginations, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and definitions real.  Additionally, I realize that, with my imagination I construct, accept, and allow what works best for me and me alone, so to continue to accept and allow myself to manipulate and control others with Trust is selfish, one-dimensional, and does not align with my decision to expand my awareness and actually care for the beings outside of myself.

I commit myself to stopping placing my trust in others by reminding myself of the nature/starting-point of myself within and as my desire to place my trust in others in the first place which is for my benefit only – as a being and as a mind – to manipulate and control others so that I do not have to change.  Instead, I direct myself to change, to be the change, and to actually allow myself to care for others with the decision, into a moment of breath, to not knowingly manipulate and attempt to control others.

When and as I see that I am attempting to make myself believe that I can trust others to do ‘what’s right’ or ‘what is best’, I stop and breathe.  I realize that this belief is SO not realistic and all deception – I mean, if it was aligned with me as equality and oneness, as who I am at a beingness-level,  and what’s actually best, I wouldn't have tried over-and-over-and-over again to make myself believe that Trust, as per my romantic-imagination-mind definitions, is real.

I commit myself to stop attempting to make myself believe that I can trust others to ‘do what’s right’ or ‘do what’s best’ by no longer accepting and allowing myself to go into the deception and self-separation – and, instead, allow my awareness to expand to see the world and all of us beings within/on/as it and acting for/in/as a way that is best for us all as a group – this is real trust.

When and as I see that I am living or attempting to live by my self-interested definition of ‘what is best for all’ as ‘what is best for ME’ by intentionally directing a situation in a way that avoids conflict, emotional turmoil, someone taking something personal, and/or any negative outcome so that I am not ‘inconvenienced’, I stop and breathe.  I realize that this is for my own benefit and does not assist and support myself and/or others to expand situations/events/problems with understanding and coming to solutions, as inter-personally and as a group, that are agreed are best and workable for all.

I commit myself to no longer live out a self-interested definition of ‘what is best for all’ and instead live ‘what’s best for all’ as directing myself and myself within potential conflict situations with assisting and supporting myself and others to investigate the problem, placing solutions that are worthwhile and/or equally beneficial to everyone, and living/walking/being the solution.

When and as I see that I am attempting to make others happy and/or make it possible for others to have a positive experience with me as to build Trust, I stop and breathe.  First, I realize that I am attempting to manipulate others into a Trust relationship with me and second, I realize that it’s not practical, realistic, nor possible to make anyone outside of myself do/feel/think/be any way that is not their decisions to do/feel/think/be. 

I commit myself to stop attempting to make others happy and/or try to create positive experiences for people for my own benefit.  I remind myself that happiness and positive experiences are energetic reactions, energy never lasts and so the happiness and positive feelings do not last – it is not real.  It is actually physically impossible to make another and/or be a catalyst of others happiness and positivity for the long-term.  So, instead of using my time to manifest Trust from manipulation, deception, and physical impossibilities, I commit myself to work on changing my self-communication and interpersonal communication from self-interest for positive energy to awareness, understanding, clarity, and specificity.

When and as I see myself going into the negative polarity of giving up on others, wiping my hands clean of others, abdicating my responsibility for others, and not allowing myself to be/become aware of the possible consequential outcomes of my actions and words within and as interpersonal communication, I stop and breathe.  I realize that I am acting/speaking as if I have free will and/or a choice to walk away from the messes I leave behind with the assumption/expectation that others are responsible to sort through the mess and clean it up for themselves – when the reality is that it’s not best if I walk away and do not take responsibility for others because of the mess, as consequence and as the things I ‘try to forget’, will keep building and building and growing and growing until the stuff is so deep that I have to face it.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my words and actions by allowing myself to be aware of the potential consequential outflows and by working on directing myself accordingly as what’s best for all – within this I will be taking responsibility for others by not creating a platform for others to accumulate unnecessary consequence for themselves. It’s a win-win – the less consequence I create for myself, the less mistakes I have to go back and fix, and the more this frees all of us up to work on what’s immediately here rather than adding more on to what we already are required to do.

When and as I see that I am wanting and/or desiring to place myself as my Trust in the hands of another from the starting point of desiring/wanting/needing to prove that my romantic-mind-imagination of Trust is real and to prove that physical reality is not real/wrong, I stop and breathe.  I realize that I am approaching Trust via my mind’s filter where I disregard what I am shown in physical reality and where I do not value myself as Life as indicated by my willingness to give pieces/parts of myself to something else to maintain an imagination and/or illusion.

I commit myself to stop filtering Trust via my romantic-mind-imagination filter and within this commitment I will assist and support myself with my process of stopping myself from separating myself from myself.  When and as the romantic-mind-imaginations of Trust come up, I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate and I do not go there – I commit myself to no longer feed this imagination with energy and allow myself to let go of this imagination and to no longer exist within and as me.

I commit myself to STOP living out my mind-fantasy of Trust which directs me to look for Trust ‘somewhere out-there outside of myself’.  When and as I see that I am going into my mind-fantasy of Trust as indicated by me separating myself from myself with that searching, imagination wandering, and desire to find ‘that perfect person whom I can trust’, I stop, I breathe, and say, “No more.”  Instead of allowing myself to go into my mind in such moments, I allow myself to be here, breathing, slowing myself down, listen to my self-communication, and within this, using my imagination to explore and investigate possible ways that I can direct myself as to prove to myself that I can be trusted with myself and so, slowly and surely develop a relationship with myself built on self-trust.

Day 129: The Helpless Victim

Here I begin writing out The Helpless Victim Character that emerged from the following writings:

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction
Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment




As The Helpless Victim, I see that the world is a dangerous place and that everyone within this world has the potential to harm me physically, emotionally, and/or mentally.  No one can be trusted - and if, for one moment, if I were to let my guard down with another, they would take advantage and victimize me in some way.  When I am The Helpless Victim, I see that there is no way for me to change this - there is no help for me, there is no protection for me, and no one is going to stand up for me to make sure that I am always okay or to get me away from the person who is hurting, harming, victimizing, and/or abusive to me.  In my mind, I have created the belief that people will stand up for others who are being harmed and stand against those that are harming - like, everyone should take care of each other - and yet we don't.  This is frightening to me.

Also, as this character, if I am in a situation that I see myself as being trapped in where another is stronger than myself, I will project myself as needing the others help to 'be better' because I cannot help myself.  This is where an extreme form of dishonesty emerges as I will use Helplessness to manipulate others as a defense mechanism and within this sell myself out.  Because this is not who/what I want to be, this causes an extreme amount of conflict, confusion, and stress as the anger that I accumulate within myself that eventually blows - it's just like a bomb going off and my situation becomes unbearable which compromises me even further.

Fear Dimension
Ultimately, I fear being alone in this world.  I do not think that I can do this on my own and I do not think that I have the power to stand up for myself.  I fear standing up and saying, "From here, no more."  What will become of me if I do this?  What if I stand up and say, "No more" and that person writes me out of their life?  Worse, what if they hurt me, degrade me, defame me, and succeed in taking away what's important to me or the people/things that I have defined myself within and as?  What if I end up losing everything?

Thought Dimension
The thought that triggers this character is, "I might lose everything that I care about - I would be lost and no one will help me."

Imagination Dimension
In my imagination I see that I lose everything and everyone in my life, that I will be homeless, that I will be broken, that I will be susceptible to much worse abuses, that I will live the rest of my life in regret and shame, that I will become a junkie, a bag-lady, live on the streets, push around a cart, go crazy, lose my teeth, be ignored, be repelling, and eventually die alone under a bridge somewhere.

Backchat Dimension
Internal conversations: "It's a dog-eat-dog world." "I would rather die than end up as a bag-lady." 
(And more - recorded in Backchat diary)

Reaction Dimension
In response to my thoughts, imaginations, and backchats, I react emotionally with disappointment, worry, anxiety, sadness, feeling 'small', and anger.   

Behavior Dimension
My behavior becomes jerky and edgy.  I begin moving around a lot and darting from one task to another.  When I am sitting or at rest, I curl into myself where I pull my knees close to my body and wrap my arms around myself.  When I'm full-blown into this character/personality/mind-possession, my eyes are WIDE open and I am on high-alert.  I speak my incoherent thoughts out-loud as means to try to make sense and/or to get others 'on my side' to stand-up for/take care of/protect me and/or justify my behavior, fears, and reactions.  My voice tightens and is either a 'small' voice or energetically forced.

Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self Forgiveness

Traumatic Event 2

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Here, I am writing Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist, push, and challenge authority regardless of the fact that I was shown time-and-time again that resisting, pushing, and challenging authority leads to negative consequences that could compromise my physical and mental well-being. I did not allow myself to consider nor see that there are times to speak and times to be silent - instead of practicing silence, I reacted to the events and situations because I saw it as a personal, unjust attack.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to stand up for oneself means that one must fight back - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect/define 'standing up' to/as 'fighting back' where my expression of standing up is fueled by fear, emotions, conflict, and anger.  I did not consider stopping, stepping back, and investigating a solution/redefinition of standing up because I've never allowed myself to be stable and clear of reactions so that I could redefine this for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make events and situations 'about me' - where it is always 'about me', 'what I'm going through', 'what's going on in my world' and 'what's being done to me' - I do not allow myself consider what may be going on within and as another outside of myself that would have created them to be as they are.  I see others' existences as though they are/have been created FOR me and for MY world so have no value/definition/expectation other than what I assign/connect to them.  The consequences of this separation are: I do not see that I need to change, I do not consider redefining who/what/how I am, and I attempt to force others to change to fit into my definitions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see:  When and as I saw that fighting did not work, that I went to the opposite polarity and sacrificed myself.  Additionally, I have not been self-honest about my decision to give in/fall because all-along, in my mind, my backchat was nasty and the expression of myself in this way was the ultimate form of spite as in my mind I was saying, "Go ahead.  You're only going to prove that I'm right and you're wrong - YOU'RE the bad person - not me."  Even as I played The Helpless Victim, I continued to challenge and test authority and continued to compromise myself and the one life that I have been given.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a calm, pleasure when, in one moment, it stopped and I saw a glimpse of shame and compassion.  Finally - I won and saw myself as better than another which is what I was looking for all along. As I remember it, from this point, I wanted to maintain this experience of myself so I was careful to be Good and show that I could be Trusted.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and be honest with myself that this is not The Day I Fell - no.  In fact, I have never stood.  So, how could I have fallen if I have never stood?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anyone outside of myself created me to be the way that I am.  In relation to this Traumatic Event, where I blame someone outside of myself for making me a 'skilled manipulator', I am in-fact, not taking responsibility for my decision to evolve myself in this way as I had been looking for a way to gain an advantage, I saw the opportunity, I took it, and I integrated it into an as myself because it served my self-interest, empowered me over another, and eased my fear of loss/survival.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest that: Who I am within this event and the subsequent events that lead to another being removed from my life is Guilty.  I experience Guilt because my actions had a direct effect on a life that I cared for - the truth is, this person cared for me, taught me skills, allowed me to do things that most others did not get to do, and invested their time in me - they were essentially doing what they had been taught was best and were functioning from the same fears and reactions as myself.   I have carried this Guilt with me since the separation but never allowed myself to be shamed and instead, allowed my Ego to stand for me, in the way, and to keep my separated from myself so that I do not change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to flee from the guilt of being a catalyst that damaged anothers life - instead of facing guilt and looking at why I am judging myself so harshly, I run away from it so that it will continue to play over-and-over-and-over within and as me.  If I had stopped running, investigated myself, and allowed myself to be shamed for my self-dishonesty, I would have changed and from here, could have prevented myself from repeating/refining manipulation, guilt, self-punishment, polarity, and Ego separation which would have assisted me in not accumulating this extensive amount physical consequence, energy accumulation and stress.

Day 124: The Day I Fell

Here I begin walking Traumatic Event 2.

The Day I Fell

I resisted authority, I pushed it, I questioned it, and I tested the limits.  For many years I fought against it and would not allow myself to give in - I would not for one moment allow the authority to know that what was happening was right, good, or in any way was what was best for me.  I remember the day when I finally gave up, opened myself up for whatever may come, prepared myself to take it until it was over, and said, "I don't care anymore.  Do what you're going to do to me and just get it over with."  And once I stopped resisting and fighting, the hand that was used to exert authority stopped.

For 10 years I stood up for myself and in the moment when I allowed myself to literally take myself off my feet and sacrifice myself, it was over - there was a sense of both calm and wrongness - like, what was done in the past had to be done yet there was a sort of shame in relation to the realization that I finally broke.

From here, I presented myself as controlled by authority - I became the Good One and the one that does as expected.  It's interesting - I had been told over the 10 years that I was a manipulator but did not actually become a skilled manipulator until after I fell.  Within a few months to a year, I found a way to get rid of the authority where I would not be seen as anything but an Innocent, Curious, and Honest Person - I ran with it and the every day problem was removed.

This is where I learned that being honest, being outspoken, testing, and taking a stand for oneself is not safe.  I learned, instead, that authority responds best to dishonesty, manipulation, and playing 'dirty pool'. I did not allow myself to let go of this memory so that I could use it to perfect my skills and show myself how to get what I want.

Up until I began writing this entry, I wondered where this behavior was rooted.  It's been destructive and I experience a great amount of shame for what I have done.  Now that I'm seeing it, I will continue with self-forgiveness in my next entry where I will be taking a closer look at how I reacted to Traumatic Event 2 and why, how I made myself feel in my mind and how I changed as a result.