Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Day 164: Trust - A Romantic-Mind-Fantasy - Part 1

It Seems So Easy In My Mind
By Andrew Gable

I see that I very much want to place my trust in others because I have a romantic idea of trust where, in my mind, I see the perfect trust as: trusting that others will always do the ‘right’ thing within considering what would have the best outcome for everyone.  Looking deeper, I see that within this ‘best’ or ‘right’ outcome, that the person should/would consider the experiences, thoughts, emotions, feelings, and  reactions of all the individuals that are included-in and/or are effected by what one does as to not create conflict, problems, or ‘hurting another’s feelings’.  I realize that my romantic ideal of Trust is not realistic nor is it practical and I understand that it is impossible to ‘make everyone happy’ in their minds and I have also come to realize that we are responsible for our individual experiences, thoughts, feelings, and reactions – and here, instead of allowing myself to be aware of how my thoughts, words, and actions affect others and directing myself from that awareness, I have gone into the opposite polarity of abdicating my responsibility to others by hoping and attempting to trust that others will take responsibility for their experiences, thoughts, emotions, feelings, and reactions, regardless of what myself and others say and/or do. So, I have used information and knowledge with my romantic idea of Trust and not done anything and still trusting that others will do the ‘right thing’- I see that I have changed the context of my imagination in regards to Trust in my mind rather than investigating Trust and looking at why I attempt to place my trust in others when I have learned in real physical time that to do so ends with self-dishonesty and self-distrust.  It is clear, however, that I am required to stop living out my mind-fantasy of Trust as something that exists separate from me in my external world and use my imagination of Trust as a starting point for self-communication and establishing self-trust that I will direct my words, actions, and thoughts in a way that is best for all.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in others as to act-on and/or act-in-response-to my romantic ideas, thoughts, imaginations, and beliefs in relation to Trust – within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see and realize that forcing myself as my mind onto others is me attempting to manipulate, control and influence others with what I have come to believe is Perfect Trust – a belief and definition that I constructed within/as/from the starting point of how I can benefit in the best way for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and make myself believe that others will always do the ‘right thing’ or ‘the best thing’, regardless that I observed and experienced over-and-over-and-over-again that others rarely, if ever, do the ‘right thing’ or the ‘best thing’ as per my mind’s judgment of ‘what’s right’ or ‘what is best’ and/or what is actually supportive for all – as an equal opportunity to have a life worth living – in physical reality.  I have not allowed myself to see how messed up my version of Trust is – it’s all about ME, what benefits ME, what’s right for ME, what’s best for ME, ME, ME, ME!!! When all along, Trust has nothing to do with me as an individual personality and everything to do with what is best for each and every one of us as a group living here on Earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and live by the principle that ‘what is best’ is to handle, be mindful of, and direct situations where the outcome prevents conflict, emotional turmoil, and/or any negativity on an individualized, personal level.   My starting point here is not from actual caring for someone’s reactions, it’s from my extensive hatred of conflict, emotional outbursts, and blame-projections – to place it simply: It makes me and/or the ‘others I Trust’ look bad if someone has a negative experience as a result of something that me and/or the ‘Person That I Trust’, is perceived as responsible for the negative outcome – and this is inconvenient for me because I do not like ‘looking bad’ OR taking the time to go back, investigate ‘what went wrong’, fix the mistakes myself and others have made, and work out solutions that all are in agreement on.  So here, again, I defined ‘what’s best for all’ as ‘what’s best for ME’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect Trust to ‘making everyone happy’ where if I can do something in such a way that ‘makes everyone happy’ with no negative reactions and/or outflows then I see myself as being seen by others as Trustworthy and someone that others can come to ‘make everything okay’.  Regardless of my awareness that it is not practical, realistic, nor possible to ‘make’ anyone do/feel/think/be any way that I would like, I continue to try.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to the opposite polarity of giving up on others, wiping my hands clean of others and abdicating my responsibility to others by saying, “I am not responsible for them.  It’s not my fault they are reacting.  It’s their responsibility to direct the points that come up for them,” as if I should be able to do, say, and think as a please and leave the consequential mess for someone else to sort through and clean up. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question why I place my Trust in others – regardless of the fact that reality has shown me time-and-time-again that me placing my Trust in others ends with me experiencing self-dishonesty and self-distrust, I do not investigate why it’s not working out for me and I do not test out other ways of being.  It’s become automatic where I want to give others my trust to such an extent that it’s a physical expression of handing someone my heart, myself as everything I believe and stand-for, and my life – I want someone to prove that my imagination of Perfect Trust is real and I’m willing to give up pieces of myself as Life as physical substance to get this proof.  Here I have not seen the obvious: that I am filtering this desire/want/need through and as my mind as indicated by my willingness to give up pieces of myself as Life so that I can maintain and hold-onto an illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out my mind-fantasy of Trust as something that can be found in the external world that’s separate from me rather than allowing myself to see, explore, learn for myself what Trust really is and how it can be applied in the external world, via my actions and decisions, that are best for all.  If I had not allowed myself to become distracted by trying to find Trust ‘somewhere out there’, I may have seen and realized that I could have just as easily worked on developing Trust within, as, and for myself by allowing myself to listen-to, communicate-with, and build a relationship-with myself.

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