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| "CONSUMED By The Idea of Yourself" - Charcoal and Chalk Pastel on Paper, 11x14inch, by Andrew Gable |
Recently, a friend asked me to be ‘more
honest’ with them than I’d ‘ever been before’ regarding my
recollection of details of a past event that they were sorting
through. I agreed to this and gave my friend all of the information
that I could remember in relation to the event. I assumed that the
truth would assist my friend to sort out, understand, and work on
solutions for problems that emerged from the past event – this was
not the case though. My friend, instead became depressed, would not
talk with me the next day, became angry with me, and ultimately
decided to end the friendship. I experienced shock for several days
because it did not go the way I thought it would go because in mind,
I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that honesty brings
people closer together, that honesty is the best policy, and that
good people are honest and speak the truth no matter what the
consequences are because honest truth will save you … it will set
you free. So, here again, I automatically act on the belief system
that I have integrated into and as me. Someone asks for honesty, I
answer them honestly. I do not question it – I just go right into
it! And I do this again and again and again even though my being
honest NEVER produces the positive result that I imagine.
SELF-FORGIVENESS
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to agree to be brutally honest with a friend when
I was aware that their mental state was unstable as indicated by
their emotional, pleading, and desperate tone of voice and expression
with words that indicated depression on the phone. I believed that
if I gave my friend what they were asking for – a brutally honest
account of events and personal experiences – that this would assist
them to stabilize. Instead of actually assisting and supporting my
friend by asking questions, hearing them, allowing myself to fully
understand the situation, directing the points to discussion and
within this, getting them to a place where they are clear and stable,
I automatically responded to a friend’s request without considering
how the outcome of my brutal honesty would actually result.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to assume that the honest truth would assist a
friend to sort out, understand, and work on solution or problems –
in my mind I saw us looking at the information in a practical way,
sorting through it together, getting to really understanding why this
particular event occurred in the first place, and share perspectives
on possible solutions. Because I was running the scenario quickly
through my mind and seeing only how everything would work out and be
a ‘bonding experience’, I did not consider the reality of a
friend in that moment who required my attention, assistance, and
support with hearing, understanding, and directing from a point of
what’s best for the friend rather than what I show myself is going
to work out for ME in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to experience shock because a situation that I had
worked out in my mind according to my beliefs about honesty, does not
actually work in physical reality. Instead of seeing what I do,
seeing the consequences, writing out my beliefs that I participate
in, and self-correcting myself, I go into my mind to try to figure
out ‘what am I doing or did wrong’ and ‘why am I not good
enough’ as this distracts me from me showing myself that my beliefs
are not real at all - my beliefs are blown to pieces in one moment –
and I do not want to face the fact that what I believe about honesty
is a lie.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that honesty brings people closer
together, that honesty is the best policy, that good people are
honest, and that good people speak the truth no matter what the
consequences are because the God’s Honest Truth will save you and
set you free. Regardless of the fact that I see over and over and
over again that honesty and being honest is/does none of these
things, I believe it – I want to believe it. I want to believe it
because I experience a positive feeling of hope for myself and my
fellow human beings. I want to give honesty this power and authority
because if I do and if it works out then we’re all okay! I mean,
that’s the agreement right? If we’re honest then there won’t
be so many consequences if any at all. WRONG. And if I had allowed
myself to see, remember, and be aware instead of keeping myself in
this belief bubble about honesty, I would have seen that these
beliefs about honesty are some of the biggest lies I’ve told
myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to automatically act on the belief system that I
have connected to Honesty – I do not slow down and go through the
steps of asking myself questions nor do I direct myself in the best
way – nope, I just go for it! If someone outside of me asks me for
honesty, I tell them as much detail as I can remember which is often
broken up so I go backwards and forwards on the timeline of events –
which, as I look at it here is more like messy mind purging and less
like clear communication of events. So, I do this mind-purge in
addition to not directing a discussion to investigating and
practicality – and I’ve never allowed myself to look at my
behavior and changed it, no, I expect the person whom I’m in
communication with to ‘take it as it is’ and ‘deal with it’.
And meanwhile, my body is buzzing, I’m shaking, my chest is tight
and my solar-plexus is in knots with fears and reactions because I’m
not taking responsibility for myself, not respecting myself, and not
being honest with myself.
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