Day 188: A Weak Spot Exposed

Jess Kubacik Art
http://jesskubacik.com/

Awhile back, someone asked me a question about something that I am responsible for that I see that I'm not directing effectively.  When I was asked the question, I immediately experienced discomfort - I did not want to answer the question because I was aware that I was taking the question personally.  In my mind I worked it out that if I answered the question - no matter if the answer was positive or negative - that the situation would work itself out fine because I have this belief that the person asking this question is a caring sort of person.  

I then answered the question directly and honestly.  The other person, upon hearing my answer, expressed mild-shock and then frowned.  Which, again, I took personal and experienced guilt and self-disappointment that I was not able to effectively demonstrate being responsible for a point.

From this state of guilt and self-disappointment, I quickly went on the defense and into my Ego where I made myself angry with backchat about what a bad person this other person is for judging, criticizing, and not being the caring person that they should be - I told myself that this person should be ashamed of themselves - among other nasty things in my secret mind where I planned my revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience discomfort when and as I am asked questions that I have defined as personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a question that someone outside of me is asking and make it personal because the question exposed a weak spot within and as me - an area of my living that I have not yet been effective at directing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to see me in a positive way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others seeing me in a negative way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged negatively by someone that I want to be a caring person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cast another into the role of a 'caring person' where, when the other person was not able to be what I wanted them to be, I experienced mild shock and disappointment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to answer a question while in a state of reaction and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that responding while in a state of reaction will work out - which, it never does.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the reactions I'm seeing in others are actually my own reactions being mirrored back at me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt and disappointment with myself and within this, allow myself to go into guilt and self-disappointment rather than ask myself: how can I more effectively direct this point that I responsible for?

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to go on the defense and into my Ego with my personalities and have secret conversations with myself where I am always in the right, that I'm doing the best I can, and that either I can't change or I don't have to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nasty, backchat, and plan my revenge against others all because I do not want to put in the effort required to make changes that will assist me to be more effective with a point that I am responsible for.

I commit myself to use discomfort as assistance and support by when and as I experience the discomfort, to not go into reaction and instead use that moment of discomfort to see where I am not being effective, where I am not standing, and where I am not living up to my utmost potential.

I commit myself to stop making uncomfortable interactions a personal attack by when and as points come up that I see as a weakness reflected back to me from my external environment, to stop, breath, and do not allow myself to go into paranoia, fear, and my ego because a part of me that I am uncomfortable with is being exposed.  So, within this, I commit myself to, in such moments like this when my weaknesses are exposed to change my perspective and allow myself to instead investigate and try out various ways of changing the point until I am standing clear with the point.

I commit myself to stop desiring for others to see me in a positive way and I also commit myself to stopping myself from fearing others seeing me negatively by when and as I see myself desiring for others to see me in a positive way because I fear others seeing me negatively, I stop and breath.  I remind myself of my commitment to myself to no longer accept and allow myself to use others to feel better or worse about myself.  I remind myself of my self-agreement to communicate with myself and to bring back to myself these positive and negative experiences of myself that I am attempting to project upon others.

I commit myself to stop going into shock and disappointment when others do not respond in a way that I hope, belief, imagine and/or expect them too.  And I commit myself to stop attempting to force others into these character roles that I create for me and where I am apparently lacking because I don't want to change and create myself as these roles in a way that is ALL WAYS best.

I commit myself to stop allowing myself to become nasty, spiteful, and revengeful by when and as I feel that fear and anxiety building within me to breath and stop.  I remind myself to not go into this fear and anxiety as this leads to the same place time-and-time-again where I go into my Ego, I show myself how I am right and everything/everyone else is wrong, and then go about showing it to the world - which, never works out how I imagine it working out (in my favor) in my mind.

Day 166: Be Brutally Honest With Me - Part 1

"CONSUMED By The Idea of Yourself" - Charcoal and Chalk Pastel on Paper, 11x14inch, by Andrew Gable

Recently, a friend asked me to be ‘more honest’ with them than I’d ‘ever been before’ regarding my recollection of details of a past event that they were sorting through. I agreed to this and gave my friend all of the information that I could remember in relation to the event. I assumed that the truth would assist my friend to sort out, understand, and work on solutions for problems that emerged from the past event – this was not the case though. My friend, instead became depressed, would not talk with me the next day, became angry with me, and ultimately decided to end the friendship. I experienced shock for several days because it did not go the way I thought it would go because in mind, I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that honesty brings people closer together, that honesty is the best policy, and that good people are honest and speak the truth no matter what the consequences are because honest truth will save you … it will set you free. So, here again, I automatically act on the belief system that I have integrated into and as me. Someone asks for honesty, I answer them honestly. I do not question it – I just go right into it! And I do this again and again and again even though my being honest NEVER produces the positive result that I imagine.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree to be brutally honest with a friend when I was aware that their mental state was unstable as indicated by their emotional, pleading, and desperate tone of voice and expression with words that indicated depression on the phone. I believed that if I gave my friend what they were asking for – a brutally honest account of events and personal experiences – that this would assist them to stabilize. Instead of actually assisting and supporting my friend by asking questions, hearing them, allowing myself to fully understand the situation, directing the points to discussion and within this, getting them to a place where they are clear and stable, I automatically responded to a friend’s request without considering how the outcome of my brutal honesty would actually result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that the honest truth would assist a friend to sort out, understand, and work on solution or problems – in my mind I saw us looking at the information in a practical way, sorting through it together, getting to really understanding why this particular event occurred in the first place, and share perspectives on possible solutions. Because I was running the scenario quickly through my mind and seeing only how everything would work out and be a ‘bonding experience’, I did not consider the reality of a friend in that moment who required my attention, assistance, and support with hearing, understanding, and directing from a point of what’s best for the friend rather than what I show myself is going to work out for ME in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shock because a situation that I had worked out in my mind according to my beliefs about honesty, does not actually work in physical reality. Instead of seeing what I do, seeing the consequences, writing out my beliefs that I participate in, and self-correcting myself, I go into my mind to try to figure out ‘what am I doing or did wrong’ and ‘why am I not good enough’ as this distracts me from me showing myself that my beliefs are not real at all - my beliefs are blown to pieces in one moment – and I do not want to face the fact that what I believe about honesty is a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that honesty brings people closer together, that honesty is the best policy, that good people are honest, and that good people speak the truth no matter what the consequences are because the God’s Honest Truth will save you and set you free. Regardless of the fact that I see over and over and over again that honesty and being honest is/does none of these things, I believe it – I want to believe it. I want to believe it because I experience a positive feeling of hope for myself and my fellow human beings. I want to give honesty this power and authority because if I do and if it works out then we’re all okay! I mean, that’s the agreement right? If we’re honest then there won’t be so many consequences if any at all. WRONG. And if I had allowed myself to see, remember, and be aware instead of keeping myself in this belief bubble about honesty, I would have seen that these beliefs about honesty are some of the biggest lies I’ve told myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically act on the belief system that I have connected to Honesty – I do not slow down and go through the steps of asking myself questions nor do I direct myself in the best way – nope, I just go for it! If someone outside of me asks me for honesty, I tell them as much detail as I can remember which is often broken up so I go backwards and forwards on the timeline of events – which, as I look at it here is more like messy mind purging and less like clear communication of events. So, I do this mind-purge in addition to not directing a discussion to investigating and practicality – and I’ve never allowed myself to look at my behavior and changed it, no, I expect the person whom I’m in communication with to ‘take it as it is’ and ‘deal with it’. And meanwhile, my body is buzzing, I’m shaking, my chest is tight and my solar-plexus is in knots with fears and reactions because I’m not taking responsibility for myself, not respecting myself, and not being honest with myself.