Day 163: Excuses, excuses ...

"Truth and Lies"
Artwork by Andrew Gable
2013

 My last blog writing was on October 12, 2013.  In the past, I have missed a few weeks here and there but never to this extent.  The excuses started when I began writing in a personal journal instead of sharing writings in the blog and from there I told myself that I had other things that were more urgent for me to complete.  As the weeks passed, I would come up with other reasons: the computer isn't working, the computer room isn't clean enough for me to focus, I'm tired, I'm too busy with family responsibilities, I have to catch up on my TV series, and I just don't feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait over two months to write in my blog - over two months of procrastinating that I have allowed myself to accumulate the consequences of me not doing what I agreed for myself to do.  So, now, I am faced with points of worry, anxiety, fear, and anger that I have not directed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the excuse, "I've missed a few weeks of writing in the past and I was fine," to exist within and as me.  I allowed this excuse because it benefited me in the moment - if I had instead looked back to the times when I did not share writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment,  I was not 'fine' - in-fact, I experienced instability because I was not being self-honest and standing within and as my self-commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuse, "Writing in my personal journal fulfills my daily requirement for writing," to exist within and as me.  I got into this habit of writing in my personal journal when I was physically injured - this assisted with keeping myself stable at the time, however, after healing I was more than able to continue with my Journey To Life blog and decided to continue writing in my notebook because it was easier and it benefited me.  An additional problem that I saw but did not push myself to correct is that I would bounce from writing and self-forgiving one experience to the next with very little self-correction and self-commitments so I have not actually changed.  By writing in private, I decided time and time again to not hold myself accountable.

When and as I see myself allowing the excuse, "I've missed a few weeks of writing in the past and I was fine," I stop.  I realize that I am accepting this excuse/reason/justification because it appeals to my self-interest and it's what I want to hear in the moment - it's not actually a real account of events, just something that I worked out in my mind as to avoid self-responsibility - it is self-dishonest because time and time again I have shown myself that I am not 'okay' when I decide not to share writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I commit myself to no longer allowing the excuse, "I'll be fine if I miss a few weeks of writing in my Journey To Life blog," by when and as the excuse/reason/justification comes up, I remind myself that I have not been 'fine' when I decide not to share in my Journey To Life blog for longer than a week and instead of giving in to my self-interests, I remind myself of my self-commitment to share writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrections, and self-commitments in my blog and no longer accept and allow resistance as procrastination, excuses, reasons, and justifications. 

When and as I see that I am considering procrastinating or waiting to write in my Journey To Life blog, I stop.  I realize that when I procrastinate with writing in my blog that I create unnecessary consequence for myself as worry, anxiety, fear, and anger.

I commit myself to STOP procrastinating with writing in my Journey To Life blog by setting specific days of the week that I will write in my Journey To Life blog and doing it.

When and as I see that I am allowing the excuse/reason, "Writing in my personal journal and/or notebook fulfills my daily requirement for writing," I stop.  I realize that writing in a personal journal and/or notebook is self-support for when I am not physically able to use a computer.  Additionally, I realize that the decision to continue to write in a personal journal/notebook and not share my writings, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-correction is me not wanting to hold myself accountable and is me exercising my Free Will as spite. 

I commit myself to stop using the excuse/reason, "Writing in my personal journal and/or notebook fulfills my daily writing requirement for writing," by reminding myself that writing in my personal journal and/or notebook does not fulfill my commitment to share my process of writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrections, and self-commitments for change and within this, I commit myself to hold myself accountable and responsible by sharing my process publicly.