Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations

Traumatic Event 2

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Here I am writing, Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations

I see atleast 4 separate personalities/characters with the Traumatic Experiences that I have walked in these writings thus far: The Helpless Victim, The Fighter, The Surrenderer, and The Victor.  Suggest for myself to write-out, self-forgive, and self-correct myself and my participation within and as these personalities.

There are times to speak and times to be silent.  I see that I have connected a positive meaning to the Word/expression Speak and a negative meaning to the Word/expression Silent - I immediately see where I allowed myself to define 'Speak' as a Good/Strength/Honesty and 'Silent' as Bad/Cowardice/Hiding-Something.  Suggest for myself to write out these Words, use the tools of self-forgiveness to become equal-to/understand these Words, and then to re-define these Words so that they can be lived without polarity.

I have connected/defined the expression of Stand Up to Fight and this clearly has not worked.  Suggest for myself to practically re-define/refine what it means for myself to Stand Up.

I have been continually attempting to force others to change for me according to my wants - even though I have been attempting this over-and-over-and-over again and not seeing any lasting change, I keep doing it.  Somewhere I decided to believe that I chose this life and that I hand-picked everyone and everything in my life/my world for the benefit/enrichment of myself.  Additionally, I have demanded that I be the center of attention and that all others are simply supporting characters where this is My Story and that others stories/lives have little to no significance and/or value in comparison to mine.  So, attempting to force/coerce/manipulate others to change is another way that I keep myself separate.

That to prove I am Right, I will compromise myself and place myself in harmful situations/events which shows that I value you my thoughts, my beliefs, my reactions, my excuses, my imagination, my wants/desires, and my fears above myself as real, living, and breathing physical substance.

That in order to feel better about myself as The Helpless Victim, that I must win to show myself and others that I have transcended these personality/character/experience/traumatic-events, that it is no longer me, that it is behind me, I am better than that, I am stronger than that, and in the end - I am The Victor.

I have been looking for the point in my lifetime where I fell because for some reason, I see myself as stronger during my early years.  Self-honestly, I see that this is not true - I did not experience myself as strong at all.  Additionally, I never have understood the best way for me to stand - so, how could I have ever stood?  And if I've never stood, how could I fall?

That others are not to blame for making me who/what I am - and that the decision to be dishonest was made by me.  It is the same as what I see in the world where we are given opportunities and within those opportunities we have a choice to make. No one but myself is to blame for my decisions made from/as my self-interests.

I have locked myself into a polarity trap within and as my Traumatic Events where if I can remember 'the positive things' and feel uplifted then the 'negative things' are simply the 'price I pay'.  While in this polarity trap, I have not allowed myself the time to consider/investigate how I experience myself - instead, I just run away to the next point within the trap.

When and as I stop fearing what I do not want to experience myself as/within and stop running from one polarity point to another,  I will assist myself in no longer accumulating stress as I will be walking, aligning myself to the points, and living self-honestly. 

Day 123: How Could You Do This To Me? -- Self-Commitments

Traumatic Event 1 - Part 4

Day 120: How Could You Do This To Me?
Part 2 - Day 121: Self-Forgiveness 
Part 3 - Day 122: Self-Correction
In this blog, I am walking Day 123: Self-Commitments





I commit myself to stopping my participation play-outs with/as/in my memories where instead of allowing myself to participate, going-all with, and imagine ideal outcomes, I commit myself to re-direct my memories to writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I commit myself to stopping my projecting my past experiences, memories, events, and traumas onto others as pre-determined blame, opinion, and assumption.  I commit myself to re-mind myself that when I project I am self-communicating and, instead of separating myself from this communication, I bring this communication back to myself where I investigate myself within this communication, write it out, self-forgive, and self-correct.

I commit myself to stop punishing myself with my past experiences and memories by first reminding myself that the past is not here - it is done, it does not define me, and there's nothing I can do to change the past.  Additionally, I commit myself to remind myself that me going back to my past over-and-over-and-over again is another point of self-communication that I am trying to ignore rather than become equal-to and change myself that it does not happen again in the future.    I commit myself to stop hiding from myself, allow myself to write out my past experiences, my participation in my past experiences, my reactions to my past experiences, and to take responsibility for myself within and as my past experiences with self-forgiveness.  From here, I commit myself to write self-correction and self-commitment until my past experiences no longer direct/move me and it is done.

I commit myself to stopping myself from defining/re-defining personalities/characters with 'if-then' statements by reminding myself of my commitment to stopping myself from attempting/trying to change and/or rescript my past experiences, events, and memories.

I commit myself to stop attempting/trying to force others into pre-defined supporting characters within seeing, realizing, and understanding that this is pointless, causes conflict, and sets me up for disappointment.

I commit myself to stop looking for apologies, remorse, regret and 'I'm sorry', from others outside of myself by assisting and supporting myself to give this to myself with self-forgiveness where I take responsibility for my thoughts, mind-participation/acceptance/allowance, my reactions, and my decisions that have physically and mentally caused me harm.

I commit myself to investigate ways of caring for myself, creating a safer environment for myself, and strengthening my self-trust.  Within this, I commit myself to assisting, supporting, and standing for a solution that will provide this care, safety, and self-trust for everyone.