Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations

Traumatic Event 2

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Here I am writing, Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations

I see atleast 4 separate personalities/characters with the Traumatic Experiences that I have walked in these writings thus far: The Helpless Victim, The Fighter, The Surrenderer, and The Victor.  Suggest for myself to write-out, self-forgive, and self-correct myself and my participation within and as these personalities.

There are times to speak and times to be silent.  I see that I have connected a positive meaning to the Word/expression Speak and a negative meaning to the Word/expression Silent - I immediately see where I allowed myself to define 'Speak' as a Good/Strength/Honesty and 'Silent' as Bad/Cowardice/Hiding-Something.  Suggest for myself to write out these Words, use the tools of self-forgiveness to become equal-to/understand these Words, and then to re-define these Words so that they can be lived without polarity.

I have connected/defined the expression of Stand Up to Fight and this clearly has not worked.  Suggest for myself to practically re-define/refine what it means for myself to Stand Up.

I have been continually attempting to force others to change for me according to my wants - even though I have been attempting this over-and-over-and-over again and not seeing any lasting change, I keep doing it.  Somewhere I decided to believe that I chose this life and that I hand-picked everyone and everything in my life/my world for the benefit/enrichment of myself.  Additionally, I have demanded that I be the center of attention and that all others are simply supporting characters where this is My Story and that others stories/lives have little to no significance and/or value in comparison to mine.  So, attempting to force/coerce/manipulate others to change is another way that I keep myself separate.

That to prove I am Right, I will compromise myself and place myself in harmful situations/events which shows that I value you my thoughts, my beliefs, my reactions, my excuses, my imagination, my wants/desires, and my fears above myself as real, living, and breathing physical substance.

That in order to feel better about myself as The Helpless Victim, that I must win to show myself and others that I have transcended these personality/character/experience/traumatic-events, that it is no longer me, that it is behind me, I am better than that, I am stronger than that, and in the end - I am The Victor.

I have been looking for the point in my lifetime where I fell because for some reason, I see myself as stronger during my early years.  Self-honestly, I see that this is not true - I did not experience myself as strong at all.  Additionally, I never have understood the best way for me to stand - so, how could I have ever stood?  And if I've never stood, how could I fall?

That others are not to blame for making me who/what I am - and that the decision to be dishonest was made by me.  It is the same as what I see in the world where we are given opportunities and within those opportunities we have a choice to make. No one but myself is to blame for my decisions made from/as my self-interests.

I have locked myself into a polarity trap within and as my Traumatic Events where if I can remember 'the positive things' and feel uplifted then the 'negative things' are simply the 'price I pay'.  While in this polarity trap, I have not allowed myself the time to consider/investigate how I experience myself - instead, I just run away to the next point within the trap.

When and as I stop fearing what I do not want to experience myself as/within and stop running from one polarity point to another,  I will assist myself in no longer accumulating stress as I will be walking, aligning myself to the points, and living self-honestly. 

Day 117: How Has Stress Changed Me?

Traumatic Events and Stresses

 In the is blog series, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

Additional Content:
Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress? 
Day 116: How Do I React To Stressful Events?

How has stress changed me? 
How have I changed as a result of my reactions to my experiences?

I exist in constant and continuous dread of events, experiences, or problems that I cannot control because I fear the consequences if I were to fail and/or make the wrong decision. 

I do not trust others perspectives as being equally as applicable as my own and that in the event that I am given suggestions, I must be convinced that it there is potential for these suggestions to work.


I have polarized myself within and as two conflicting personalities: Weak and Strong - the consequence of this is that I am tense because of the conflict within myself.  In my mind, I see this experience of myself as being in the middle of a tug-of-war rope and being pulled in opposite directions while I strain, clench my teeth, and redistribute my weight to not get over-taken to either direction.

Within this picture representation I have within myself as the victim of polarity, I see that this is dishonest because I often choose to be either the Weak or Strong characters/personalities depending on what gets me what I want in that moment.

I realize that Life, as it has existed for me, did not come with an Instruction Manual as to how to become the Best Human Being For All and that because of this, I have created myself from what I've witnessed has worked for others and what was gained for themselves.  Many of the characters/personalities that I have stored within and as me are in-conflict.  And because I have been scared to say or do the 'wrong thing', I never trusted myself to be myself - and the personalities are so extensive at this point, that it's difficult to remember who/what that self is.  What I -do- remember is not being liked by many others prior to me changing myself as I see their faces and actions of disapproving, experience frustration, and/or not understanding my expressions.  I also continue to haunt myself with cruel spoken words.

I must keep myself physically moving and do not allow myself to relax and enjoy moments in life because I flee from guilt, worry, fear, and not wanting to face the uncomfortableness that I experience within my physical body.  Within this, when I am busy moving and in my mind, I do not experience the constant tingling-twitching-vibrating-pulsating sensation in my skin and I'm able to tune out the ringing in my ears.

I have surrendered to the thought, belief, and idea that there is nothing I can do to change my situation.

I ignore, disregard, or 'brush-off' the reflections of me that are seen in my world because I have already defined myself/my Ego identity.  I tell myself that no one knows me, my life, and my body but me - and this is interesting as it makes me wonder where/why I learned this scripted line as I'm seeing it is quite far from the truth.

Day 114: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 14

Why would I write out a Pros & Cons list before making a decision?



Here I am writing Self-Commitment Statements from Self-Correction and realizations within my process of reviewing my Journey To Life - Day 2.


I commit myself to stopping ignoring, denying, rejecting and/or polarizing points that I see as BAD by embracing the BAD/negative/wrong that exists within and as me and within this facing, assist and support myself through the process of facing, becoming equal-to, and standing within these points with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.


Within this, I commit myself to stop suppressing the physical pain/discomfort when and as recall memories/experiences by allowing myself to actually experience the pain/discomfort so that I communicate with my physical body about my reactions which will assist and support me within my investigation of myself.


I commit myself to stopping myself from retreating/escaping into my mind where I can go blank/fuzzy/numb by redirecting myself to here in my physical body in breath.

I commit myself to stop trying to find/prove the GOOD in me when I am faced with the BAD by simply stopping because I am aware of when I am doing this.


I commit myself to stopping myself from connecting my behaviors to the Word BAD.  Specifically, within this Journey To Life Review of Day 2: Self-Commitment To Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud, I commit myself to remove any more negative judgements that come up within and as this point and to stopping myself from re-connecting Not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud to FAILURE and as something BAD by continuing to assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction when/as/if this point resurfaces.

I commit myself to stop telling myself, "I am FINE!" and/or "There is no reason for me to experience myself negatively." When I slow myself down and actually hear myself, I am aware that I am doing this - so, first, to live this commitment, I work on slowing myself with breathing, stopping this, "I Am Fine" and/or "There is no reason to experience myself negatively," and then going back to see/investigate the process that got me here.  When and as I find my core-source-origin point, I use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to release myself from having to tell myself 'I Am Fine'.


I commit myself to no longer allow myself to step into my mind character/personality of I Am Curious as I see, realize, and understand that this is irresponsible and the amount of stress that I put on my body is intense which is a consequence of myself being in-conflict with myself.  I will live this self-commitment by instead of allowing myself to react to something I don't know (or that I tell myself might be fun), I stop, and direct myself to sit and write out the PROS and CONS before I move within a decision.  As an additional level of support, I self-forgive any reactions that come up within my PROS and CONS list to make certain that I am clear before I move.


I commit myself to stop judging myself with the personalities of those that I have known - I see, realize, and understand that I have stored/learned/programmed myself with others personalities from a point of fear of not surviving, being bullied, not being liked, and not fitting in - which, the consequences of this is that I have taken away my freedom to explore myself and myself physically in my world within and as my own expression - instead of caving-in, placing myself in-conflict, wearing myself down, begging for forgiveness outside of myself, beating myself up, and allowing myself to fall - I STAND.  I face the personalities/characters that I have allowed to exist within and as me and I sort out WHO each personality is, WHY I use them against/for myself, HOW I am allowing these to influence me in my decision-making process, and WHY I fear losing these specific personalities - in this sorting out process, I will use the tools of writing and self-forgiveness and then self-correction and self-commitments where I see that I can change.