Thursday, March 7, 2013

Day 112: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 12

 How do I trap myself in my mind?

Within my Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud, this is what I've found:

When I see something as BAD it is a trigger for myself to ignore, deny, reject, and polarize that which I am seeing as BAD.

When I participate in a behavior that I see as BAD I experience GUILT.  The experience of GUILT is physically painful so I separate myself from my GUILT - I detach myself from my physical body and go into my mind where I can be blank and numb.

Within and as this blankness is where the excuse, justification, and lie of, "I don't know," and/or "I forgot," exists because I interpret myself as 'forgetting' or 'not knowing' when I do not get information as pictures from my mind.

When and as I see blankness and tell myself that "I don't know," and/or "I forgot," I will go back through my memories in search of things that I can identify about myself and my experiences that are GOOD and I will laugh-off the BAD, the guilt, the not-knowing, and the forgetfulness and tell myself, "I'm FINE!  What was all that guilt about? Geesh."

Instead of facing the things that I see as BAD, taking responsibility for mistakes, removing the triggers, and redirecting myself within self-correction, I have allowed the pattern of guilt, escape, excuses/justifications/lies, and being positive to keep myself locked into myself as my mind.

Bringing this point back to my not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud, what happens is that I literally self-sabotage myself because I made a self-commitment to say my self-forgiveness out-loud to assist myself in releasing myself with sound - I tell myself that NOT doing this is BAD and that it will slow down my process.  Additionally, if I do not live up to my self-commitments, this is BAD too.  So, if I tell myself that not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud equals BAD which I will manifest as a real experience within and as me with negative emotions which then I will then enter into my pattern of self-sabotage that leads to myself not living up to my self-commitments, laughing it off, and telling myself, "I don't need to say self-forgiveness out-loud all the time!  That's just silly and impractical.  I'm fine." - I like THIS voice, much better.

And then within my I Am Curious Character that saw while working on this review, I found and an additional layer of protection to keep myself locked into place which is I have defined 'Not Knowing' as BAD where I connect Not Knowing to abusive experiences that I have stored within my memories. I become very uncomfortable with myself and so I will trigger my I Am Curious Character/personality which is fun and thus I am able to experience myself more positively.  Within this character/personality possession, I direct myself within and toward a desired outcome of finding an answer, proving to myself that I knew all along, or doing something where I will see/prove to others how the world in-fact functions.  Because the energy build-up is so massive from the conflict within myself from bad-to-good over-an-over again - I tell myself that I cannot stop myself and that I must see this through - even if/when/as I see that BAD things could result.  My heart races, my physical expression goes from 'zippy' to 'agitated' over-and-over-again, and I experience my skin as opening, breathing, standing-up, and living - I 'feel' alive.  When the dust has settled, the outcome of this personality possession typically compromises my self-development and changes nothing for the best within myself and my world - instead, I have created yet another negative experience for myself to store as BAD within and as me for future pattern triggering.

What is really interesting within my process of self-observation is the huge amount of others voices I have stored in my memories. Wow.  I can recall personalities, spoken works, actions, and judgements of every human that I have gotten to know.  And when I do something that I question myself as, "Is this BAD?", I will gang up on myself with these personalities with their judgements and show myself over-and-over again how these people will react to me making a mistake.  For those personalities that are currently in my life or somehow nearby, I will show myself how each person will reject/leave me 'for good' this time.


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