Day 117: How Has Stress Changed Me?

Traumatic Events and Stresses

 In the is blog series, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

Additional Content:
Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress? 
Day 116: How Do I React To Stressful Events?

How has stress changed me? 
How have I changed as a result of my reactions to my experiences?

I exist in constant and continuous dread of events, experiences, or problems that I cannot control because I fear the consequences if I were to fail and/or make the wrong decision. 

I do not trust others perspectives as being equally as applicable as my own and that in the event that I am given suggestions, I must be convinced that it there is potential for these suggestions to work.


I have polarized myself within and as two conflicting personalities: Weak and Strong - the consequence of this is that I am tense because of the conflict within myself.  In my mind, I see this experience of myself as being in the middle of a tug-of-war rope and being pulled in opposite directions while I strain, clench my teeth, and redistribute my weight to not get over-taken to either direction.

Within this picture representation I have within myself as the victim of polarity, I see that this is dishonest because I often choose to be either the Weak or Strong characters/personalities depending on what gets me what I want in that moment.

I realize that Life, as it has existed for me, did not come with an Instruction Manual as to how to become the Best Human Being For All and that because of this, I have created myself from what I've witnessed has worked for others and what was gained for themselves.  Many of the characters/personalities that I have stored within and as me are in-conflict.  And because I have been scared to say or do the 'wrong thing', I never trusted myself to be myself - and the personalities are so extensive at this point, that it's difficult to remember who/what that self is.  What I -do- remember is not being liked by many others prior to me changing myself as I see their faces and actions of disapproving, experience frustration, and/or not understanding my expressions.  I also continue to haunt myself with cruel spoken words.

I must keep myself physically moving and do not allow myself to relax and enjoy moments in life because I flee from guilt, worry, fear, and not wanting to face the uncomfortableness that I experience within my physical body.  Within this, when I am busy moving and in my mind, I do not experience the constant tingling-twitching-vibrating-pulsating sensation in my skin and I'm able to tune out the ringing in my ears.

I have surrendered to the thought, belief, and idea that there is nothing I can do to change my situation.

I ignore, disregard, or 'brush-off' the reflections of me that are seen in my world because I have already defined myself/my Ego identity.  I tell myself that no one knows me, my life, and my body but me - and this is interesting as it makes me wonder where/why I learned this scripted line as I'm seeing it is quite far from the truth.