Monday, March 25, 2013

Day 120: How Could You Do This To Me?

Traumatic Event 1

How Could You Do This To Me?

In this memory, I reacted to this event with shock that the actual event happened and I felt betrayed, hurt, unloved, vulnerable, distrustful and angry that I was left to sort it out on my own. I have carried this memory within me as an 'Unforgivable Act' where every time I recall the instance, I experience that same betrayal, hurt, vulnerability, distrust, anger, and remind myself that love is a lie.

Within this, I questioned myself over and over again: Did I deserve this? Did I bring this onto myself?  If I had been better, would this have not happened?

The answer to these questions is that it was my fault and that I must have brought it on to myself because I was Not Good. At the moment, I did not see myself as an innocent but at the same time, I did not see that it was 'right'.  I mean, how can someone say that they love me and then direct an Unforgivable Act at me? And worse, that person showed nor expressed any kind of remorse.

So, here is where I recall my first conflict between wanting to be loved by someone and hating them at the same time and to make things worse, I expected and waited for an apology that never came.

Before this event, I had a belief that I was safe, that I was cared for, that I could trust others, and that there would always be someone to help me - and I had had experiences to prove this.  After this event, I told myself that I was not safe, that I was not cared for, that I could not trust others, and that the only person that could help me was myself - and I had an experience to prove it.

I also see that I have tried to separate myself from this memory as when I look back I am an observer that sees myself curled up, staying low, and trying to hide.  Within this, I see that I also created myself as The Victim as a means to get what I wanted which was to have another feel bad for me, to be sorry, and to never do it again - which does not happen from the source that I desired it from.

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