Day 121: How Could You Do This To Me? -- Self-Forgiveness

Traumatic Event 1 - Part 2

Day 120: How Could You Do This To Me?
In this blog, I am walking Day 121: Self-Forgiveness



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to play-out the memory of myself within a shocking/traumatic event to incite thoughts of betrayal and being unloved to which I react with experiencing myself again-and-again as hurt, vulnerable, and angry.  Additionally, I use this memory to prove that others cannot be trusted and that, when I am experiencing a traumatic, shocking, and/or stressful event, the only person countable for support and assistance is myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I deserve to be hurt, betrayed, and unloved because of my bad behavior - because I have been bad, I tell myself that I have brought these things onto myself and that if I had been good that I would have earned better treatment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and force others into my definition of what a loving person is.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and force myself into my definition of what a loving person is.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood the great amount of conflict that I have created for myself by forcing myself and trying to force others into being something that is not real and that none of us are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect an apology from outside of myself instead of bringing this point back to myself and forgiving myself for the extensive amount of trauma that I make myself re-live over-and-over-and-over again.  Instead of facing my memories and releasing these memories with writing and forgiveness, I choose to cling to my memories as a reminder of why others deserve my spite, my anger, and my aggression as well as to remind myself why I deserve to receive spite, anger, and aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the memories of myself within traumatic events because I fear that I will forget and that I will 'set myself up' to get hurt again.  Within and as this fear of loss, I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I am manifesting these fear within my mind where I continue to hurt myself time-and-time-and-time-again - so, this fear is in-fact useless, has not protected me, and has not changed anything in my living at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that another outside of myself can provide safety, care, and trust.  Because of this image/belief that I created, I have been on the constant look-out for another that I can depend on to provide this for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for another to keep me safe, cared for, and show that others outside of myself can be trusted.  Within and as this desire, I have made decisions that are not in the best interest of anyone - including myself - and I have created undesirable consequences.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize, nor understand that the safety, caring, and trust that I'm looking for outside of myself are actually the points that I must bring/give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and separate myself from my memories and because of this separation, attempting to ignore, and running-away-from, I have not allowed myself to change my ways of living to establish my well-being, self-care, self-trust, and self-love.