Saturday, March 9, 2013

Day 113: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 13

Why do I tell myself that I am fine?

Here I am writing Self-Correction from realizations within my process of reviewing my Journey To Life - Day 2.

When and as I see myself ignoring, denying, rejecting, and/or polarizing a point that I am faced with because I have connected the point to being BAD/negative/wrong, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that if I do not stop, breath, face the point, and become equal-to what I do not like about myself and/or what exists within and as me, that my pattern of separating myself from my physical body, blankness, and searching for something GOOD within an experience/memory prevents me from ever actually changing my starting point of having a BAD experience - and within this, because I do not become equal-to and change my starting point, my pattern continues over-and-over-and-over again.  So, instead of ignoring, denying, rejecting, and/or polarizing a point, I re-direct myself to embrace the BAD/negative/wrong that exists within and as me and assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to release myself from the reactions that I use as a trigger to separate, not take responsibility for, and to not change.

When and as I experience physical pain/uncomfortableness from memories/experiences, I do not suppress the pain and I do not hide within my mind where I can make myself numb.  I support myself within and as the pain with breathing and direct myself to investigate the what my thought was that triggered my GUILT and/or SHAME as I see, realize, and understand that in this moment I have an opportunity to change myself and my living so I embrace the moment, explore the connections, and push myself to get to my core/source/origin point.  Within this, I direct myself to assist and support myself with the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to realize myself, how I function and why I do what I do and thus work on a solution to change with the tools of self-correction and self-commitment.

When and as I see myself searching through my memories to find reasons/data/proof for why I am GOOD/positive/right, I STOP.  I see, realize, and understand that I am about to complete the cycle of not taking responsibility for myself as I am seeking out reasons, justifications, excuses and/or flat-out lies to ease myself from my negative experience of myself instead of changing myself so that I no longer have to tell myself that I'm not BAD and/or that any negativity does not exist within/withoutside of me.  Instead of making a cover-up story, I re-direct myself, again, to breath and go backwards through my mind process of WHY I saw myself as having to flee from the scene, WHY I judged myself so harshly, and WHY I needed to provide proof/come up with a story that I could show myself why I am not only innocent but also righteous.

I commit myself to facing the things/events/scenarios/experiences/memories that I tell myself are BAD/wrong, negative/unforgivable - to take responsibility for my mistakes and to vigilantly work on removing myself from my pattern of: thought/experience/memory -> shame/guilt/fear -> escape/separation -> excuses/reasoning/justification/lies/positive-affirmations that keeps me locked into my mind and my self-interest.  I commit myself to discovering my triggers that initiate my patterns/programmed responses.  I live up to these self-commitments to myself by breathing, slowing myself, going back-wards through my processes and using the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

When and as I see that I am connecting NOT speaking self-forgiveness out-loud to BAD, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that when I connect my behaviors or lack of certain behaviors to BAD, that I am setting myself up for failure as I will manifest a negative experience within/as my relationship with myself and my process.  Within this, when and as I see that I am connecting BAD to my behaviors or lack of behaviors, I re-direct myself to investigate the connections and then trace the origins of my programming as to WHY I have set myself up in this way and from here, I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

When and as I see myself laughing at myself for my reactions and telling myself that, "I am FINE!" and/or "There was no reason for me to experience myself in this way!", I stop and I see that it is too late and I have completed the cycle of my abdication of myself.  I breath, bring myself back to here, and re-trace the details of my pattern.  I investigate why/where I was not effective in my application and self-correct myself.

When and as I see that I am about to step into my I Am Curious Character as indicated by myself 'Not Knowing' for sure the outcome/answer and thus I begin considering ways that I could find out and/or prove something to myself and others WITHOUT considering the consequences which is additionally indicated by me moving really fast and becoming agitated by outside distractions, I STOP.  I breath.  I slow myself down.  I direct myself to sit and write PROS and CONS of the decision that I am considering making and following through with.  I am now aware of the amount of stress that I put on my physical body when I possess myself with this character as I bounce back and forth between 'I should'-'I shouldn't'-'I should'-'I shouldn't'-'I SHOULD!' and that it requires several hours after the matter to get myself and my physical body stable again.  So within considering what is best for my self-development AND my physical body, I see, realize, and understand that writing out my decisions and moving in the direction that I find is best is absolutely required.
When and as I see myself reacting to and/or fleeing from the judgements that I have connected to the personalities that I have stored within me as memories, I stop!  I breath, slow down and study these personalities - why did I store/learn/program myself with these specific personalities and images?  Why do I keep these personalities within and as me even though I am not in-contact with most of them outside of my mind?  Why do I use these personalities to judge myself? Why do I use these personalities to hide from the negativity of myself?  How are these personalities influencing my decisions and my every day living? Why am I afraid that these people are 'going to get rid of me for good this time'? -- I see, realize, and understand that I have been running away from this judgmental group of dissonant personalities and pretending as though these are of no consequence because I don't like what they're saying. Instead of running, I re-direct myself to stand, face myself as my accusers, write them out, and self-forgive. 

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