Day 130: The Helpless Victim - Fear Dimension

In this blog I am writing Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction for the Fear Dimension of The Helpless Victim Character that emerged from realizations while walking a traumatic event.  The initial writing out of the dimensions of this character can be read here: Day 129: The Helpless Victim.

The process from which The Helpless Victim Character emerged can be referenced within these posts:

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction
Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment





Writing from Day 129:
Fear Dimension
Ultimately, I fear being alone in this world.  I do not think that I can do this on my own and I do not think that I have the power to stand up for myself.  I fear standing up and saying, "From here, no more."  What will become of me if I do this?  What if I stand up and say, "No more" and that person writes me out of their life?  Worse, what if they hurt me, degrade me, defame me, and succeed in taking away what's important to me or the people/things that I have defined myself within and as?  What if I end up losing everything?

Fear Dimension - Self Forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear being alone in the world and because of this I fear what will happen to me if I say, "From here no more."  I fear that I will fail on my own and that I will screw up because there are still many decisions that I must stand for and stand as that I do not trust that I can be responsible with.  I fear that I will lose everything: my home, those I care about, my safety, my comfort-zone, and my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'being alone in the world' to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'what will happen to me if I say, "From here no more."' to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'I will fail on my own and that I will screw up because there are still many decisions that I must stand for and stand as that I do not trust that I can be responsible with' to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'losing everything: my home, those I care about, my safety, my comfort-zone, and my life' to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will hurt me, degrade me, and succeed in taking away what's important to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'others will hurt me, degrade me, and succeed in taking away what's important to me' to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my mind where my fear of loss, being alone, and failure exists - I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I am here, breathing, and not participating in my mind that no fear exists - there is no fear of loss, no fear of being alone, and no fear of failure until I have a thought and imagine myself within the thought as possible event - I am aware that this is not real but time-and-time again I continue to place myself in situations within and as my imagination that always lead to something bad happening if/when/as I consider changing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that when I engage a thought that I am accepting and allowing that thought to have power over me, direct me, and guide me until I find where I am scared and make myself believe that my thoughts and my fear are true and/or real.  I create my fear of loss, being alone, and failure simply to fear it.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my memories to assist me in my fear creation where I will go back to a time where I have experienced or been told that I will experience loss, being alone, and failure if/when/as I direct myself to go 'outside of the box' and/or go against my programming.  Instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that the past has no control over me and that I can change my behavior however or to whatever I see is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have scared myself into not making the best decisions for myself and my world.  I have used my fear of loss, failure, and being alone as excuses and reasons why I have done nothing to change my living and the world I live in in-spite of the evidence that I am required to act.

Fear Dimension - Self-Commitments
I commit myself to stop my fear of being alone, my fear of loss, and my fear of failure by re-Minding myself to breath when and as I see that I am engaging myself in a thought and/or imagination in my mind.  I commit myself to assist and support myself with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction for the self-created points of fear that emerge when and as I stop, breath, and self-honestly investigate myself.

Within this same application of breathing and using the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction, I commit myself to stop fearing what would/could/will happen to me when and as I am required to make a decision that is best for me and will change my living.  As I write this, I see, realize, and understand that this fear of what would/could/will happen to me is further connected to my fear of change - so, I commit myself to stop making excuses and reasons for myself not to make changes and to instead, make the changes that I have shown myself that I am required to make because it is practical, responsible, in alignment with me being honest with myself and best for me to do so.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing my memories to assist me in not changing/making changes by re-Minding myself  that this does not benefit me nor anyone else in any way - it only feeds my fear to keep myself within my program, within control, and within my prison. 

To further assist and support myself with no longer accepting and allowing myself to play-out The Helpless Victim character, I commit myself to write out, self-forgive and self-correct a specific memory that's emerging that I did not see as being a traumatic event.

Day 117: How Has Stress Changed Me?

Traumatic Events and Stresses

 In the is blog series, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

Additional Content:
Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress? 
Day 116: How Do I React To Stressful Events?

How has stress changed me? 
How have I changed as a result of my reactions to my experiences?

I exist in constant and continuous dread of events, experiences, or problems that I cannot control because I fear the consequences if I were to fail and/or make the wrong decision. 

I do not trust others perspectives as being equally as applicable as my own and that in the event that I am given suggestions, I must be convinced that it there is potential for these suggestions to work.


I have polarized myself within and as two conflicting personalities: Weak and Strong - the consequence of this is that I am tense because of the conflict within myself.  In my mind, I see this experience of myself as being in the middle of a tug-of-war rope and being pulled in opposite directions while I strain, clench my teeth, and redistribute my weight to not get over-taken to either direction.

Within this picture representation I have within myself as the victim of polarity, I see that this is dishonest because I often choose to be either the Weak or Strong characters/personalities depending on what gets me what I want in that moment.

I realize that Life, as it has existed for me, did not come with an Instruction Manual as to how to become the Best Human Being For All and that because of this, I have created myself from what I've witnessed has worked for others and what was gained for themselves.  Many of the characters/personalities that I have stored within and as me are in-conflict.  And because I have been scared to say or do the 'wrong thing', I never trusted myself to be myself - and the personalities are so extensive at this point, that it's difficult to remember who/what that self is.  What I -do- remember is not being liked by many others prior to me changing myself as I see their faces and actions of disapproving, experience frustration, and/or not understanding my expressions.  I also continue to haunt myself with cruel spoken words.

I must keep myself physically moving and do not allow myself to relax and enjoy moments in life because I flee from guilt, worry, fear, and not wanting to face the uncomfortableness that I experience within my physical body.  Within this, when I am busy moving and in my mind, I do not experience the constant tingling-twitching-vibrating-pulsating sensation in my skin and I'm able to tune out the ringing in my ears.

I have surrendered to the thought, belief, and idea that there is nothing I can do to change my situation.

I ignore, disregard, or 'brush-off' the reflections of me that are seen in my world because I have already defined myself/my Ego identity.  I tell myself that no one knows me, my life, and my body but me - and this is interesting as it makes me wonder where/why I learned this scripted line as I'm seeing it is quite far from the truth.

Day 114: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 14

Why would I write out a Pros & Cons list before making a decision?



Here I am writing Self-Commitment Statements from Self-Correction and realizations within my process of reviewing my Journey To Life - Day 2.


I commit myself to stopping ignoring, denying, rejecting and/or polarizing points that I see as BAD by embracing the BAD/negative/wrong that exists within and as me and within this facing, assist and support myself through the process of facing, becoming equal-to, and standing within these points with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.


Within this, I commit myself to stop suppressing the physical pain/discomfort when and as recall memories/experiences by allowing myself to actually experience the pain/discomfort so that I communicate with my physical body about my reactions which will assist and support me within my investigation of myself.


I commit myself to stopping myself from retreating/escaping into my mind where I can go blank/fuzzy/numb by redirecting myself to here in my physical body in breath.

I commit myself to stop trying to find/prove the GOOD in me when I am faced with the BAD by simply stopping because I am aware of when I am doing this.


I commit myself to stopping myself from connecting my behaviors to the Word BAD.  Specifically, within this Journey To Life Review of Day 2: Self-Commitment To Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud, I commit myself to remove any more negative judgements that come up within and as this point and to stopping myself from re-connecting Not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud to FAILURE and as something BAD by continuing to assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction when/as/if this point resurfaces.

I commit myself to stop telling myself, "I am FINE!" and/or "There is no reason for me to experience myself negatively." When I slow myself down and actually hear myself, I am aware that I am doing this - so, first, to live this commitment, I work on slowing myself with breathing, stopping this, "I Am Fine" and/or "There is no reason to experience myself negatively," and then going back to see/investigate the process that got me here.  When and as I find my core-source-origin point, I use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to release myself from having to tell myself 'I Am Fine'.


I commit myself to no longer allow myself to step into my mind character/personality of I Am Curious as I see, realize, and understand that this is irresponsible and the amount of stress that I put on my body is intense which is a consequence of myself being in-conflict with myself.  I will live this self-commitment by instead of allowing myself to react to something I don't know (or that I tell myself might be fun), I stop, and direct myself to sit and write out the PROS and CONS before I move within a decision.  As an additional level of support, I self-forgive any reactions that come up within my PROS and CONS list to make certain that I am clear before I move.


I commit myself to stop judging myself with the personalities of those that I have known - I see, realize, and understand that I have stored/learned/programmed myself with others personalities from a point of fear of not surviving, being bullied, not being liked, and not fitting in - which, the consequences of this is that I have taken away my freedom to explore myself and myself physically in my world within and as my own expression - instead of caving-in, placing myself in-conflict, wearing myself down, begging for forgiveness outside of myself, beating myself up, and allowing myself to fall - I STAND.  I face the personalities/characters that I have allowed to exist within and as me and I sort out WHO each personality is, WHY I use them against/for myself, HOW I am allowing these to influence me in my decision-making process, and WHY I fear losing these specific personalities - in this sorting out process, I will use the tools of writing and self-forgiveness and then self-correction and self-commitments where I see that I can change. 

Day 49: I Am Perfect

This blog is a continuation of Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

ART by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

"You're perfect."

I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to react to hearing, "You're perfect ..." from another outside of myself by shaking my head, pushing my eyebrows together with concern and saying, "No! No, that's not cool.  That's not true at all.  I am NOT perfect." and then within myself as back-chat, I tell myself that I've messed up and look for a quick way out within the information and knowledge that I've accumulated to come up with an answer that's going to 'fix it'.  I have not allowed myself to see this is me judging myself and then defending myself with information and knowledge. Additionally, from and as a point of defense, I will become the Calm-Wise-Stable-Guru Character that smiles and speaks slowly and softly to gently guide whom I am communicating with toward the point by speaking accumulated information and knowledge because I have not stood equal and one with the point.

I commit myself to breathing and hearing when I am in communication with another about a point that I have not investigated within/as myself as I see, realize, and understand that it is not required for me to defend myself but rather that I require of myself to understand myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat of 'I messed up' to exist within and as me.  When I say, "I messed up," I am actually saying, "I failed," and thus not taking responsibility for my mistake because when I say 'I messed up'/'I failed', I stop investigating myself and do not work out a solution for myself for when and as the same point comes up for myself in the future.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and be honest with myself that when, instead, I say, "I made a mistake ..." that I will immediately go into a problem-solving process to assist myself from making the same mistake in the future.

I commit myself to removing my relationship that I've created within and as myself as 'A Mess-Up' where I no longer accept nor allow myself to use the excuse 'I Messed Up' and instead see, realize, and understand that I have simply made 'A Mistake' and mistakes can be corrected with practical, common-sense solutions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to go back into my memory and see where my reaction and conflict with hearing, "You're perfect," originated from.  Because between 6 and 12 years old, I would have wanted to hear that I am perfect as hearing it from outside of myself would have given me sooooooo much comfort as I learned, prior to these ages, how imperfect I was from my world and this shocked me as I saw myself as perfect.  I was AWESOME. However, when the world told me, over-and-over again how imperfect I was, I changed myself to prove that this wasn't true about me and thus, I looked outside of myself for confirmation that I made the correct changes and that I could/would now be seen as perfect.  What I did not/have not allow myself to see is that after the age of 12, I accepted and allowed the nasty spoken back-chat from others that said, "Oh. Look at her.  She thinks she's SOOOOOOO perfect ..." and within accepting and allowing that, adopted it within/as myself as a jealousy relationship and thus attached a negative meaning to the word, 'Perfect'.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positivity as: I AM AWESOME, a negativity as SPITE and JEALOUSY, and a neutrality as WAITING FOR CONFIRMATION to the word, 'PERFECT'.

I commit myself to simply being who I am and within that, keeping what's best for myself as/for all as Life and removing what's NOT best for myself as/for all as Life so that I can be someone that -I- accept and enjoy being with.

Day 47: I Know What You're All About ...

Continued from:  Day 46: That Is SO Not True About Me,  Day 45: Excuses, Excuses, Day 44: Task and Self-Support Management and Day 43: Starting Over

I commit myself to trusting that I am completing tasks, responsibilities, objectives, goals, chores and/or work  effectively and to the best of my ability. And within this commitment:

When and as I see that I am doubting myself and my abilities to effectively complete a task that is well within my ability to do so, I stop.  I breath through the fear of failure.  I see, realize and understand that I have NEVER FAILED - I have made mistakes - and as I make mistakes, I correct my mistakes, move on, test my correction and re-adjust if/when/as it's required to do so.

I see, realize and understand that correction is simple - in fact, I have been doing it my entire life within my character creation process - the difference now is that I go back and correct within the principle of what is best for all instead of what is best for myself exclusively.

When and as I see/hear myself back-chatting as others to myself and thus responding with my own dialogue that I pair with a physical demonstration that anticipates others expectations, I STOP.  I see and realize that I am talking with/to myself about my own expectations and I now see, realize and understand that to respond/react physically to my expectations by slave-driving myself and my body is NOT COOL and within this, I re-direct myself to self-forgive and self-correct myself in the moment then move on as additionally, I am seeing that it takes LESS TIME to stop, self-forgive, and self-correct and MORE TIME to obsess and fix details as a response to my back-chat that do not change/improve anything of substance.

I commit myself to no longer adopting/teaching myself philosophies and/or tenets that do not prove to be true in all cases and in every application.

I commit myself to allowing myself and others an equal opportunity for change and within this, I commit myself to breathing when in the company of myself/others and seeing who we really are rather than who I THINK we are.

When and as I see/hear/tell myself that I THINK any one person is any one 'way' or of one design as per my correlation of one to a memory of another, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that I am not seeing who myself and others really are - I am seeing us as who/what I've pre-defined us as within a past moment of fear that I stored within myself.  Within seeing, realizing, and understanding that I have been projecting past experiences with/of myself onto myself and others, I re-direct myself to instead breath through the fear and allow myself to BE in moments with myself/others and in this way, 'get to know' myself/others as who/what we really are.