|'The Hidden Dimensions of Self' by Andrew Gable|
Continuing from Day 43: Starting Over
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pair my back-chat-inner-dialogue responses to others with physical expressions of appearing stunned, sighing, dropping my shoulders, shaking my head in disappointment/disbelief, rubbing my face, and/or then retreating to a space separate from others where I sit, fold my arms over my mid-section, lean my head back, clench my teeth and stare at the wall and/or ceiling. It's within this physical state that I suppress my anger, frustration, and disappointment and make a memory relationship between the experience and label these experiences as precisely 'why I can't trust others' and then make a decision/plan of my future self and how to avoid this experience again by doing the work myself and/or delegating a task to another that has met my expectations time-and-time-again. I have not seen nor realized that this 'another' person does not exist for any extended amount of time and that eventually, the person that is/was meeting my expectations begins by expressing, "I will do this. But I don't want to ..." and it all goes downhill from here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instantly recall memories of negative experiences with others that are similar to experiences with others that I am having with others in any given moment and within that, allow myself to be directed by those similar memories as to how I told myself I would act/react if that similarity showed up again in my life - I have not allowed myself to slow myself down and see that this pairing/correlating of the past with a moment and responding as if I were in the past, keeps me in the past and keeps me in a pre-determined pattern which is easier than directing myself/situations as what is best in that moment.
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pre-determine my trust of others based on my past similar experiences with others instead of giving myself and others the chance to work out a practical solution/agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to teach myself and be taught by others that no one outside of oneself can be trusted to complete tasks that need to be done without constant and continual supervision, direction and/or reminders. Specifically, I have allowed myself to buy into the shared philosophy that 'If you want a job done right, you have to do it yourself' and 'When others are left on their own, they will behave like children'. Because I have accepted and allowed these tenets to exist within and as my leadership/management/home/life, they have become very real in my world where I end up doing more and more and taking on more and more because I do not trust that others will do it if I am not there 'lording over' them.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself that within my reactions and secret-mind-back-chat that I am actually communicating to myself about myself about why I do not trust myself - I do not trust that I am doing the job 'right', I do not trust myself to direct myself within choices/decisions that are in everyone's best interest, I am 'tired' of physically laboring for others when I do not see an immediate benefit for myself, and I would very much 'appreciate it' if another took on some of my task responsibilities so that I can relax for a few moments and enjoy some time where I do not have to 'worry'. Instead of being honest with myself about what my mind is showing me about what I really want within my own self-interest and thus taking responsibility, I projected it onto others.
When and as I see that I am allowing myself and my body to be consumed by work/tasks/duties/responsibility as indicated by me not taking breaks to rest, eat properly, and sufficient time in bed because I am worrying about time, obsessing, back-chatting, and/or responding to fear of survival/failure, I stop. I re-direct myself to support myself with moments off of my feet, food that is supportive for my body, sleep/resting in bed, and breathing to assist with the stabilizing myself, relaxing myself, and my continued investigation of myself.
I commit myself to managing my time to include resting, sleeping, eating quality foods, and supporting myself with daily blog entries, scheduled chats, and working on my assignments.
I commit myself to drinking water throughout my day and to limit my intake of frozen from concentrated juices and coffee.
When and as I tell myself I am thirsty and thus go to juice, coffee, and/or milk products, I stop. I re-direct myself to instead get/buy/fill a bottle of water and drink it.
I commit myself to, again, stopping my sugar addiction - and within that, for the next 21 days, I commit myself to removing sugar from my diet completely to assist with breaking this habit.
When and as I see that I am compromising myself, my body, my family, my studies, my assignments, my writing, my projects/'me time', and my life for a job/commitment/responsibility as indicated by anger, physical soreness, and/or back-chat that is a response to myself as a 'people pleaser' telling myself that my work is 'probably not good enough so it has to be flawless', I stop. I breath, separate myself from my task, and work out a plan on paper for what is absolutely required for me to complete the task - I return to my task and complete what needs to be done as per my written plan and when that is done, I remove myself from that task and then move on to go home, support my family, support myself, and/or support those that are supporting me.
When and as I see that I am distracting myself with other tasks that I see need to be done from a point of fear of agitating, annoying, disappointing, and/or giving others a 'reason' to think/communicate negatively about me, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that I am responding to my back-chat and taking others back-chat/negative communication personally and within that I am self-sabotaging and allowing myself as my mind to leach off of me. Additionally, I now see, realize, and understand that this is a pattern and patterns get me no-where/change nothing - So, I stop. I remove myself from the task and go back to my written time-task management plan. Nothing more, nothing less.
I will continue writing tomorrow.