Thursday, October 25, 2012

Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person


Withing my world, I'm hearing:
"You're perfect."
"You're higher than the rest of us."
"You're the bigger person."
"You are more.  More than us."
"Nothing you do is wrong."

I say, "No, no, no.  This is not how I want you to see me.  This is not my objective.  That is not cool at all." And within me I say, "This sucks - crap.  Where am I messing up here - I do not want this person to feel as though I am better than them because I've been there all of my life within that trap of seeing others as better than myself - please don't see me like that ..."

I'm taking it personal.  I'm even hearing spite resonating with the words as their spoken from others - spite mixed with honesty.  And it's that honesty that my Ego picks up on and I breath, smile, and within that honesty I experience a positive success and then use that energy within my communication that follows to cover-up and/or ignore the negativity.

We all want to be seen as a positive personality that is 'doing the best thing' and I don't like it when the truth of myself and my application is reflected back at me as honest spite.  To test this, I looked at myself and saw myself as separate from the others in my life - I've been in conflict everywhere in my life and the picture of myself that I see within my mind is outside of the group.  As the negative, I see myself firmly standing with my arms crossing my body and my foot tapping impatiently.  As the positive, I see myself with my arms open and myself saying, "Come here.  Communicate with me.  Let's work this out." And as the neutral, I see myself distracting myself with work or what's within my physical environment while I wait for them to 'come around'.  When I put my Ego into the picture equation, I am suddenly MUCH bigger than everyone else - am a giant, I am God-Like, I am a guru waiting for the flock to come into my arms where I embrace them all motherly and lovingly 'show them the way' ... and we all live happily ever after.

In my real, physical world I am seeing frustration, disappointment, sadness, loneliness, and anger.  I see heads shaking.  I hear of others being scared of me and see those others lingering around corners watching me like I watched others when I was experiencing myself as small and powerless - wanting to understand and 'help' but afraid to get caught in the cross-fire.

Continuing writing in the next post.

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