Day 184: The Gift of Reaction

Recently, someone said to me, "You're always trying to make it look like I'm not doing my job," and, "You're always so rude towards me."  I found that I took these statements as quite a hard blow because in my mind, I have this idea of myself as being a supportive and responsible person and in-relation to this specific person, I have given them care, I have sacrificed my time, I have provided them financial stability, and I have assisted them with work and social related skills.

I reacted to what they were saying about me because there was something that was being said about me that I did not want to face and be honest with myself about out which was that there were many times when I had been rude to this person and there were certainly times within my thoughts, my backchat, and my actions, where I had attempted to make it look like this person was not doing their job - where, I created a believable story in my mind of how this person is ineffective, unmotivated and distracted and a result of that, this person only does their work half-way or not at all.

Because I allowed this judgmental story of the other person to exist within and as me and did not direct the point to self-forgiveness and self-correction, I allowed myself to see myself as justified for being rude or would tell myself that I wasn't actually being rude and that I was being supportive which covered up the fact that I was handling another in a way that I would not like to be handled myself. And this is why I reacted because I was being held accountable for my thoughts, words, and deeds as well as, at the same time, being shown where I could change myself and improve upon how I communicate, share, and support others.

So, looking at it self-honestly, I am aware that I must change this point, otherwise, I am going to continue to be influenced by it each and every time that it comes up in my day-to-day living.  And the only way to change it is to stop allowing myself to go into my thoughts and backchats in regards to what others are doing and instead focus on my own participation and process and really get into perfecting how I am doing things and make sure that I am living up to my own expectations, my own guidelines, and my own principles.

During the time that this point opened up, I was working a lot of hours at work and so my solution for sorting out where I was not standing was to speak the self-forgiveness and self-correction during my 30 minute commute in the car to work.  This is where I saw that the other person - the one who said that I was rude and making it seem as though they weren't doing their job - was actually doing quite an effective job of supporting my self-awareness, self-honesty, self-responsibility and self-correction.  They did all the work for me and all that was required is that I open it up, take a look, be humble, embrace it, and be grateful for the gift of myself and the opportunity to change, to RE-ACT something about myself that is out of alignment.

Day 165: Trust - A Romantic-Mind-Fantasy - Part 2

Here continuing with Self-Correction and Self-Commitment from writing and Self-Forgiveness on Day 164: Trust - A Romantic-Mind-Fantasy - Part 1.

SELF-CORRECTION AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

When and as I see that I am and/or attempting to place my trust in others as per my romantic ideas, thoughts, imaginations in relation to Trust, I stop and breathe.  I realize that I am forcing and/or attempting to force myself as my mind onto others as a way to try to manipulate, control, and influence others to act in a way that benefits me as a mind and gives my mind ‘life’ and makes my imaginations, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and definitions real.  Additionally, I realize that, with my imagination I construct, accept, and allow what works best for me and me alone, so to continue to accept and allow myself to manipulate and control others with Trust is selfish, one-dimensional, and does not align with my decision to expand my awareness and actually care for the beings outside of myself.

I commit myself to stopping placing my trust in others by reminding myself of the nature/starting-point of myself within and as my desire to place my trust in others in the first place which is for my benefit only – as a being and as a mind – to manipulate and control others so that I do not have to change.  Instead, I direct myself to change, to be the change, and to actually allow myself to care for others with the decision, into a moment of breath, to not knowingly manipulate and attempt to control others.

When and as I see that I am attempting to make myself believe that I can trust others to do ‘what’s right’ or ‘what is best’, I stop and breathe.  I realize that this belief is SO not realistic and all deception – I mean, if it was aligned with me as equality and oneness, as who I am at a beingness-level,  and what’s actually best, I wouldn't have tried over-and-over-and-over again to make myself believe that Trust, as per my romantic-imagination-mind definitions, is real.

I commit myself to stop attempting to make myself believe that I can trust others to ‘do what’s right’ or ‘do what’s best’ by no longer accepting and allowing myself to go into the deception and self-separation – and, instead, allow my awareness to expand to see the world and all of us beings within/on/as it and acting for/in/as a way that is best for us all as a group – this is real trust.

When and as I see that I am living or attempting to live by my self-interested definition of ‘what is best for all’ as ‘what is best for ME’ by intentionally directing a situation in a way that avoids conflict, emotional turmoil, someone taking something personal, and/or any negative outcome so that I am not ‘inconvenienced’, I stop and breathe.  I realize that this is for my own benefit and does not assist and support myself and/or others to expand situations/events/problems with understanding and coming to solutions, as inter-personally and as a group, that are agreed are best and workable for all.

I commit myself to no longer live out a self-interested definition of ‘what is best for all’ and instead live ‘what’s best for all’ as directing myself and myself within potential conflict situations with assisting and supporting myself and others to investigate the problem, placing solutions that are worthwhile and/or equally beneficial to everyone, and living/walking/being the solution.

When and as I see that I am attempting to make others happy and/or make it possible for others to have a positive experience with me as to build Trust, I stop and breathe.  First, I realize that I am attempting to manipulate others into a Trust relationship with me and second, I realize that it’s not practical, realistic, nor possible to make anyone outside of myself do/feel/think/be any way that is not their decisions to do/feel/think/be. 

I commit myself to stop attempting to make others happy and/or try to create positive experiences for people for my own benefit.  I remind myself that happiness and positive experiences are energetic reactions, energy never lasts and so the happiness and positive feelings do not last – it is not real.  It is actually physically impossible to make another and/or be a catalyst of others happiness and positivity for the long-term.  So, instead of using my time to manifest Trust from manipulation, deception, and physical impossibilities, I commit myself to work on changing my self-communication and interpersonal communication from self-interest for positive energy to awareness, understanding, clarity, and specificity.

When and as I see myself going into the negative polarity of giving up on others, wiping my hands clean of others, abdicating my responsibility for others, and not allowing myself to be/become aware of the possible consequential outcomes of my actions and words within and as interpersonal communication, I stop and breathe.  I realize that I am acting/speaking as if I have free will and/or a choice to walk away from the messes I leave behind with the assumption/expectation that others are responsible to sort through the mess and clean it up for themselves – when the reality is that it’s not best if I walk away and do not take responsibility for others because of the mess, as consequence and as the things I ‘try to forget’, will keep building and building and growing and growing until the stuff is so deep that I have to face it.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my words and actions by allowing myself to be aware of the potential consequential outflows and by working on directing myself accordingly as what’s best for all – within this I will be taking responsibility for others by not creating a platform for others to accumulate unnecessary consequence for themselves. It’s a win-win – the less consequence I create for myself, the less mistakes I have to go back and fix, and the more this frees all of us up to work on what’s immediately here rather than adding more on to what we already are required to do.

When and as I see that I am wanting and/or desiring to place myself as my Trust in the hands of another from the starting point of desiring/wanting/needing to prove that my romantic-mind-imagination of Trust is real and to prove that physical reality is not real/wrong, I stop and breathe.  I realize that I am approaching Trust via my mind’s filter where I disregard what I am shown in physical reality and where I do not value myself as Life as indicated by my willingness to give pieces/parts of myself to something else to maintain an imagination and/or illusion.

I commit myself to stop filtering Trust via my romantic-mind-imagination filter and within this commitment I will assist and support myself with my process of stopping myself from separating myself from myself.  When and as the romantic-mind-imaginations of Trust come up, I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate and I do not go there – I commit myself to no longer feed this imagination with energy and allow myself to let go of this imagination and to no longer exist within and as me.

I commit myself to STOP living out my mind-fantasy of Trust which directs me to look for Trust ‘somewhere out-there outside of myself’.  When and as I see that I am going into my mind-fantasy of Trust as indicated by me separating myself from myself with that searching, imagination wandering, and desire to find ‘that perfect person whom I can trust’, I stop, I breathe, and say, “No more.”  Instead of allowing myself to go into my mind in such moments, I allow myself to be here, breathing, slowing myself down, listen to my self-communication, and within this, using my imagination to explore and investigate possible ways that I can direct myself as to prove to myself that I can be trusted with myself and so, slowly and surely develop a relationship with myself built on self-trust.

Day 136: Guarding My Thoughts and Words

When and as I see myself reacting to a topic, situation, or event within which I experience a compulsion to speak, I stop - I place a guard on my thoughts and words.  I do not participate - I remove myself if I must, get myself stable with breathing and then write out the topic, situation, or event and what I am seeing as a problem within the topic, situation, or event.  From here, I self-forgive for why I am reacting and what I want to say - which, I see, realize and understand is actually what I want to say to myself and work out a solution for. 

I commit myself to stop speaking when and as I experience a compulsion by allowing myself to be aware of myself within and as compulsion as indicated by imaginations that play into my fear, increased blood-pressure, movement in my solar-plexus, and jerky physical movements. 

I commit myself to further practice perfecting putting a guard on my thoughts and words by allowing myself to slow myself down so that I can stop myself when and as I am faced with a physical, mental, and/or emotional reaction. 

When and as I see that I am putting myself in-conflict with myself as indicated by the amount of thought, effort, time, justifications, and reasons for my actions, reactions, and my allowance of myself existing in-conflict with myself and others, I STOP.  I see, realize, and understand that this self-dishonesty takes a lot more time and effort to keep up and/or maintain and that it is best to make it simple for myself by taking a moment to write out what's going on and bring the points that emerge within this back to myself with self-forgiveness.

 

I commit myself to stopping placing myself in-conflict with myself by re-Minding myself that it takes a great deal more effort and time to justify my actions with reasons for 'why I did what I did' - additionally, I re-Mind myself that any reaction that I have after a thought is a response to fear -- that my thoughts are showing me who/what I am and because I fear what I am showing myself, I attempt to separate myself with a reaction when and as I say, 'Oh, that's not me ... let me show myself why'.

Within this,
I commit myself to watch my thoughts and to investigate where these thoughts are coming from by allowing myself to slow myself so that I can actually see/hear my thoughts and then look-back at my memories which will assist and support me in seeing and understanding where my thoughts are actually coming from and why. 

Day 135 - Speaking and Acting From A Point of Self-Interest

A point emerged within me today that I did not anticipate and before I took the time to sit down and write out why I felt so strongly, I spoke.  This is something that I have done a lot of and it does not align with my commitment to put a 'guard on my thoughts'. I see myself as justified in moments like this - I tell myself that I must be speak and that I must not be silent because others are counting on me to speak up when I see a problem.  Even though time-and-time again that I do this and the only outcome is me in conflict with myself or others in my world, I keep doing it.


I see that my weakness is me believing myself when I tell myself that others are going to get hurt, disappointed, or be taken advantage of and then I have an energetic reaction of anger and disgust - and from this point, my voice lowers and hardens, my personality changes, and I become forceful.  Instead of slowing myself down, breathing, and allowing myself to see how I am speaking to myself of myself and directing this, I let it fly with the justification, "It must be done.  These people must be informed, helped, or saved from the evil that is about to face them."

The thing is, there's A LOT of people on this planet that are getting hurt, disappointed, and taken advantage of in EVERY moment.  If this were real anger and disgust - it this was really me - this would be my existence in every moment of every breath.  But, it's not - I'm selective about where I direct my anger which is an indicator that I am doing this as not what's best for all but instead from my own self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to: when and as I see myself feeling strongly about a topic, situation, or event in which I am experiencing a compulsion to speak, to stop and place a guard on my thoughts/words - and within this, do not participate and instead write out why I am seeing a problem, why I am reacting, and what I want to say as what I want to say is something that I want to communicate to myself and problem-solve for myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in conflict with myself instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that placing myself in conflict with myself takes a LOT more effort, thought, and energy to create than simply stopping, writing, bringing the points back to myself using the tool of the self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am counting on myself to be able to communicate problems to myself and to responsibly assist and support myself to direct these problems into solutions and rewards.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ignore and/or try to separate myself from my backchat where I tell myself that I am/will be hurt, disappointed, or taken advantage of - where, I try to smooth over the backchat with positive thinking instead of facing the backchat, allowing myself to see where it came from and how it continued to accumulate through time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that when my personality changes that this is a flag-point for me to stop, breath, take a step back, and investigate myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the Words: You Can Save No One But Yourself.  I have been using the words as a point of abdication of my responsibility to others rather than a point of Self-Support for myself within the realization that when and as I see that I'm 'taking a stand' for benefit of others, that at this stage, I am still taking a standing from a point of self-separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a caring and supportive person based off of my definition of what I experience as energetic emotions, feelings, and thoughts.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I must let go of this definition of myself that I have created into a personality if I am to ever see, realize, understand, and become what a real caring human being is.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be angry, outraged, and disgusted at the fact that almost every other human on this planet exists with disappointment, abuse, and exploitation - and that instead, I pick-and-choose whom I will care enough to allow this anger, outrage, and disgust for.  Within allowing this, I do not see my self-interest as care is actually for a 'special group that I care for'.  Not only is this self-dishonest and not standing as an example of someone who is caring for life equally, it is also really limiting.

Day 114: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 14

Why would I write out a Pros & Cons list before making a decision?



Here I am writing Self-Commitment Statements from Self-Correction and realizations within my process of reviewing my Journey To Life - Day 2.


I commit myself to stopping ignoring, denying, rejecting and/or polarizing points that I see as BAD by embracing the BAD/negative/wrong that exists within and as me and within this facing, assist and support myself through the process of facing, becoming equal-to, and standing within these points with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.


Within this, I commit myself to stop suppressing the physical pain/discomfort when and as recall memories/experiences by allowing myself to actually experience the pain/discomfort so that I communicate with my physical body about my reactions which will assist and support me within my investigation of myself.


I commit myself to stopping myself from retreating/escaping into my mind where I can go blank/fuzzy/numb by redirecting myself to here in my physical body in breath.

I commit myself to stop trying to find/prove the GOOD in me when I am faced with the BAD by simply stopping because I am aware of when I am doing this.


I commit myself to stopping myself from connecting my behaviors to the Word BAD.  Specifically, within this Journey To Life Review of Day 2: Self-Commitment To Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud, I commit myself to remove any more negative judgements that come up within and as this point and to stopping myself from re-connecting Not Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud to FAILURE and as something BAD by continuing to assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction when/as/if this point resurfaces.

I commit myself to stop telling myself, "I am FINE!" and/or "There is no reason for me to experience myself negatively." When I slow myself down and actually hear myself, I am aware that I am doing this - so, first, to live this commitment, I work on slowing myself with breathing, stopping this, "I Am Fine" and/or "There is no reason to experience myself negatively," and then going back to see/investigate the process that got me here.  When and as I find my core-source-origin point, I use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to release myself from having to tell myself 'I Am Fine'.


I commit myself to no longer allow myself to step into my mind character/personality of I Am Curious as I see, realize, and understand that this is irresponsible and the amount of stress that I put on my body is intense which is a consequence of myself being in-conflict with myself.  I will live this self-commitment by instead of allowing myself to react to something I don't know (or that I tell myself might be fun), I stop, and direct myself to sit and write out the PROS and CONS before I move within a decision.  As an additional level of support, I self-forgive any reactions that come up within my PROS and CONS list to make certain that I am clear before I move.


I commit myself to stop judging myself with the personalities of those that I have known - I see, realize, and understand that I have stored/learned/programmed myself with others personalities from a point of fear of not surviving, being bullied, not being liked, and not fitting in - which, the consequences of this is that I have taken away my freedom to explore myself and myself physically in my world within and as my own expression - instead of caving-in, placing myself in-conflict, wearing myself down, begging for forgiveness outside of myself, beating myself up, and allowing myself to fall - I STAND.  I face the personalities/characters that I have allowed to exist within and as me and I sort out WHO each personality is, WHY I use them against/for myself, HOW I am allowing these to influence me in my decision-making process, and WHY I fear losing these specific personalities - in this sorting out process, I will use the tools of writing and self-forgiveness and then self-correction and self-commitments where I see that I can change.